How do you honestly feel about a baby having two mums?

[Corneliusthecamel]

Hi,

Recently, a close friendship has come to an end and it’s been difficult to process. Long story short - I am a woman married to another woman and I gave birth to a baby last year who was conceived via sperm donor/fertility treatment through the NHS. We are all really happy and she is beautiful.

A good, long term friend of mine has become increasingly distant over the past couple of years. I confronted her about this recently and she admitted that she struggles with my life choices and doesn’t feel it’s right that I have chosen to bring a baby up with another woman. She feels very strongly that a baby should have a traditional mum and dad unit where possible and feels that I am wrong for choosing this path.

Anyway, the friendship is over, and I think that’s the right thing for both of us - it’s not really possible to carry on when we both have such different views and experiences of the world.

But it has made me want to ask - what are your honest opinions of two women choosing to pursue fertility treatment and having a baby? Obviously it’s my life and I’m happy so in one way, who cares. But I truly didn’t think my friend held those types of views and often, people won’t speak their true thoughts in real life, so I am curious what people truly think about it

If your son has a baby, it will not be with another man. That is impossible.

He may raise the child with another man, but he’d have to use a woman’s body to create and gestate the baby. And that is exactly what it would be… “using” if he went down the surrogacy route.

Absolutely.

@Tigergirl80 are you adopted? Do you understand the difference? I am adopted and there is a difference, and it isn't old fashioned to think there is a difference. In fact it is old fashioned to think there isn't a difference. In the old days no care was thought about the adopted child (or birth mother) it was all about the adopters becoming parents. Now it is very much about what is best for the child.

With regard to donor conception (and surrogacy) it is all about the adults becoming parents, no thought about the child and their heritage, and what would be best for them with regard to their heritage.

You can 'disagree' all you want, but unless you are the parent of the child it's none of your business.

And you don’t think this little boy would have benefited from having his actual biological mum around him? Was he removed from her at birth?

Two loving & capable parents is great, whatever the sex. I do however absolutely oppose surrogacy - I think it is beyond unethical.

If what both female partners in a marriage want is to have a baby, I cannot see what the problem about them doing so is. Sad to lose a friend over it, but I think that is a great deal more her problem than it should be yours.

If two male partners in a marriage want to have a baby, the problem only exists if they use a woman to gestate it for them. If they adopt, that's great.

I wish all three of you every happiness.

It isn't about prejudice. That's a lazy response, sorry, as is the 'bigot' comment bandied around earlier in the thread.

There are a lot of ethical issues around using surrogates, of using a woman's body to create, grow and deliver a human baby and then often hand said baby over from birth. These are real issues which impact woman acting as surrogates and the babies. There are also ethical issues and conversations to be had around a child's right to know the person from whom 50 percent of their genetic heritage came from. The people raising the child cannot dictate or set and expectation that love conquers all and that it doesn't matter, because genetics do matter to a lot of people.

Nobody is arguing that gay parents can't be very loving, caring parents, of both sees, but l, ultimately, all angles have to be considered when you're bringing a child into the world and the mechanics of how this happens absolutely IS important.

I am really sick of labels such as 'prejudiced' and 'bigot' being wheeled out to shut very reasonable conversations down.

But who are the parents? The ones who order the baby or the ones who make it?

@Meadowfinch that’s a completely different scenario and sounds like a great set up if everyone’s happy. None of those children were born knowing they would never know their biological parent.

I don’t think an anonymous donor should be allowed unless the child already has a father ie they’re donating as the child’s father is infertile

It's not prejudiced to want the best for any future children.
For me, as a fellow homosexual, it would depend on how your son went about having kids.

I think as a society we need to look after and protect children’s best interests and so yes, it is all of our business.

Honestly it’s delightful, it’s a wonderful wonderful thing. My own son is donor conceived and I’m a single parent. I’m really happy that he can look at families like yours and understand the diversity of what love looks like

@ChocolateCinderToffee actually it should be our business. It's only because people started to interfere in magdalene laundries and make it their business that practices like that stopped. It's only when people started to realise that adoption was about the interests of the child and not primarily the adoptive parents that things changed.

At the moment donor conception and surrogacy is all about the resultant parents and not the best interests of the child (or surrogate, with respect to surrogacy). The law is starting to change when it comes to donor conception (in this country anyway) so that it can't be anonymous anymore. So some people go abroad so it can still be anonymous, where are these people thinking about what is the best interest of the child?

Personally, I don’t care what gender the parents are or who they live with as long as the child is loved, nurtured, and well cared for.

Your son CANNOT have a child with another man. It’s biologically not possible.

He could ‘buy’ one from a woman, but would that really be in the best interest of the child?

Conflicted.

My nephews have two dads, and are loved and nurtured beautifully. My dad isn't my biological father, who I have not met and have no need to know, so love and nurture are where it is at, for me.

I totally agree with this

There are so many stories of donor conceived children (now adults) struggling with not knowing half of their genetics. More weight should be given to the feelings of the children involved.

Currently it’s all about the wants of the parents. Having a child is not a right imo.

🤮 well that lowered the tone of the thread quite significantly

I totally agree.

Absolutely no issue with it at all, I’ve already spoken to my son about some children having different family dynamics as me and his dad split so he has a mum and a dad and then another mother and father figure in our partners, and within the conversation I brought up that some people have two mums or two dads as well