How do you honestly feel about a baby having two mums?

[Corneliusthecamel]

Hi,

Recently, a close friendship has come to an end and it’s been difficult to process. Long story short - I am a woman married to another woman and I gave birth to a baby last year who was conceived via sperm donor/fertility treatment through the NHS. We are all really happy and she is beautiful.

A good, long term friend of mine has become increasingly distant over the past couple of years. I confronted her about this recently and she admitted that she struggles with my life choices and doesn’t feel it’s right that I have chosen to bring a baby up with another woman. She feels very strongly that a baby should have a traditional mum and dad unit where possible and feels that I am wrong for choosing this path.

Anyway, the friendship is over, and I think that’s the right thing for both of us - it’s not really possible to carry on when we both have such different views and experiences of the world.

But it has made me want to ask - what are your honest opinions of two women choosing to pursue fertility treatment and having a baby? Obviously it’s my life and I’m happy so in one way, who cares. But I truly didn’t think my friend held those types of views and often, people won’t speak their true thoughts in real life, so I am curious what people truly think about it

Lucky kids who have parents who love them. I don’t feel comfortable with doner/IVF etc because I’m not convinced that the needs of the children in these cases have been prioritised. However, that’s in terms of actual birth, distinct from raising kids. Basically I think any couple who can’t conceive naturally ought really to adopt a child who already exists and needs a loving family. Who cares what gender that is.

Is the child lucky if they want to know who their dad is, and their mums are unable to tell them anything about them and they have to wait until they are 18 to find out?

Poster: ask a question SPECIFICALLY about lesbian relationships

Posters: take opportunity to bash gay men

i haven’t read the whole thread but I imagine someone has said something about trans people.

i am genuinely shocked by this thread and saddened by what mumsnet seems to be becoming.

This thread has really made me think about this more carefully.
I am actually quite uncomfortable with the idea that there are babies conceived with the full intention of them not knowing anything about 50% of their genetic makeup or half their family.
I’m also uncomfortable with adults being put on the birth certificate who are not biological parents.
I don’t have any issue at all with the non-biological mother legally adopting the baby to have parental rights.

You should read and not make assumptions.

Honestly, I have no issue with a same sex biologically female couple raising a child, but I would see them as one mother and her girlfriend/wife, not as two mothers.

One is related to the child, one is not.

I don't doubt that as a couple they can raise a child well, I just don't believe the one who didn't give birth is really related to the child.

I think anyone who can love, support, make a child feel safe, have fun and give them time - will make wonderful parents whether thats as a Mum and Dad, 2 Mums or 2 Dads or whatever the family unit looks like for that child.

There are so many children looking for foster care and adoption I think its the qualities of the people that are important ❤️

Same here. I was an 'oops' baby referred to by a PP. My parents were older (34 and 45) and had never wanted children. I was an accident and they didn't have an iota of love for me. None of my grandparents loved me either. I was an extremely 'easy' child in that I was very obedient and quiet. I left home at 16 to their relief and mine. I've been severely depressed all my life. I would have been so much better off with parents who loved and wanted me, regardless of their sex.

The important thing is that the children are loved and cared for.

I've known homosexual couples of both sexes bring up fabulous well balanced children when they have a solid relationship. I would rather a child is loved and cared for than what sex their parent chose to marry

Two mothers is fine. Two fathers is not.

Absolutely doesn’t bother me. I have many friends who are same sex married with children (women) I don’t feel the same about two men (although I don’t know any) I think a baby needs its mother and two are even better IMO.

I have a lot of qualms about the increasingly commercial nature of the fertility industry. I worry for children whose parents put their own feelings above the child's wellbeing (for example, those parents who are adamant that the child has a donor not a father- the mum may have used a donor, but that man is the father of the child, even if that word is uncomfortable for the adults involved)

I have no qualms whatsoever about two women raising a family.

For people saying mums are so more important than dads, are you bringing up sons to think this?

Some of these comments!

I feel literally nothing about any number of families - two parent, one parent, grandparents as carers, any sort of religion or colour or combination of all the above. Literally nothing except hope that the child will be loved and cared for as so many aren’t.

if anything I have an added respect for families who had to work harder to exist - same sex, adoptive families, single parents by choice - as they had to purposefully create their family, often at great expensive or logistically challenging circumstances.

Idc personally I think whatever 2 genders are together if the babies loved and wanted I'm happy.

I had both my parents in my home, both schizophrenic narcissists who I'm no contact with. I hate them both. Traumatised me massively growing up and in my teen years. I would swap them for 2 men or 2 women who loved me in a heartbeat.

Are many people specifically saying this, or is it mostly concerns about surrogacy?

As long as the child is loved it doesn’t matter who their parents are. Does your friend also turn their nose up at single parents?

role models of any gender are a great idea but can come from inside and outside the family unit

My goodness. The hate on this thread about children having two men as parents, is absolutely disgusting. There was a little boy in my daughters class brought up by two men and they have given him a great life. I'm not talking material things. Just general love,care, attention and a safe home. What any child wants! Some people need to get in the real world ffs.

You asked for honest opinions… as a donor conceived person I don’t agree with children (and adults) being deliberately deprived of a relationship with their biological parent in order that the other parent can have a genetic child.

A child who has a loving, consistent caregiver(s) is luckier than a lot of kids out there. Whether that be two mums/dads/single parents/grandparents etc etc. Your ex friend is a dick. Congratulations on your lovely little baby

Im so sorry. I hope you have a better life now.

this is entirely one of my points - just because two people can physically create a child together doesn’t mean they should. So the reverse can also be true.

I'd say any child brought up in a loving home with any parent that puts them first is a lucky one.

My parents split when I was a young teen and neither could put my sister and I before themselves. It was a tough childhood and something I've really struggled moving on from as an adult. I read threads on here daily about people in toxic relationships and want to scream THINK OF THE DAMAGE YOU ARE DOING TO YOUR KIDS. But can't.

Whether you’re two women, two men, a man and a woman, or a single person who has other support set up I absolutely don’t care. Congratulations on your new baby and on having one less bigot in your life and around your child.

A man can’t gestate a baby. Conceiving a baby with the intention of removing them from their biological mother is abhorrent.

Sometimes it is necessary but it should never by design.

@SheilaFentiman a number of posters have said 2 mums are better than one, which I assume is giving the impression that mums are better than dads. Many are saying having the biological mum is really important, very few are saying having the biological dad is as important.