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Original poster

How do you honestly feel about a baby having two mums?

852 replies

Corneliusthecamel · 16/05/2025 14:26

Hi,

Recently, a close friendship has come to an end and it’s been difficult to process. Long story short - I am a woman married to another woman and I gave birth to a baby last year who was conceived via sperm donor/fertility treatment through the NHS. We are all really happy and she is beautiful.

A good, long term friend of mine has become increasingly distant over the past couple of years. I confronted her about this recently and she admitted that she struggles with my life choices and doesn’t feel it’s right that I have chosen to bring a baby up with another woman. She feels very strongly that a baby should have a traditional mum and dad unit where possible and feels that I am wrong for choosing this path.

Anyway, the friendship is over, and I think that’s the right thing for both of us - it’s not really possible to carry on when we both have such different views and experiences of the world.

But it has made me want to ask - what are your honest opinions of two women choosing to pursue fertility treatment and having a baby? Obviously it’s my life and I’m happy so in one way, who cares. But I truly didn’t think my friend held those types of views and often, people won’t speak their true thoughts in real life, so I am curious what people truly think about it

OP posts:
dontcomeatme · 16/05/2025 17:18

Me and my wife are raising our 2 DS in a same sex marriage. But we are not 2 mums, I think there is so much crap around sex and gender these days that we want our boys knowing and understanding that they only have one Mum, and then a second mum/parent. We feel strongly about this because a little boy in the primary school I work at honestly believed both of his mams were biologically his mam and suffered serious bullying because of this. So I am Mummy and my wife is (not her real name) Mama Chelsea, for example. Our boys have never been confused. And I LOVE rough play 😁 growing up with brothers will do that haha.

Feel the same about 2 dad's as PPs 😶

Crushed23 · 16/05/2025 17:18

Completely indifferent. Same with two dads.

I mind my own business about most things, plus what is there to worry about about a child having two loving parents really?

CautiousLurker01 · 16/05/2025 17:19

No issues here. My DD is lesbian (and v young with no interest in human babies as would prefer the 4 legged variety) but I hope that one day, if she meets the right woman, they may still consider having a child together. I’d be 100% supportive and readily available to babysit for them 🥰

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 16/05/2025 17:19

Would I actively end the friendship? Nope
Do I think the child might end up having to explain their family set up again and again
and that might cause them stress? Yes, possibly, but I’d assume you are raising them within a community where they don’t feel different or othered.
Do I think children that have a traditional one mother, one father set up are in a better position in society? Possibly but ur would really depend on whether the marriage was happy, the parents were decent people etc
Do I think you have the right to have a child with another woman? Yes I do.

So short answer is your ex friend is a bit of a dick and having her out of your life will probably be a good thing in the long run.

NancyJoan · 16/05/2025 17:22

Some of the most brilliant kids I know have two mums. I cannot fathom anyone having an issue with it.

I do have concerns around surrogacy, but that is a separate conversation.

crumblingschools · 16/05/2025 17:22

@Coconutter24 shouldn't be about what is best for the donor, should be about what is best for the child. The child should have access to their genetic history, and in best situation have access to the donor parent from early on.

@EmBear91 as other posters have said the difference for adoption, is that a child is not purposely created to be adopted, it is unfortunate circumstances that give rise to a child being adopted. They are not taken away from their birth mother unless really necessary. At all times it is the child's best interests that are forefront of any decision that is made.
Where donation/surrogacy is involved a child is being purposely created who will generally be missing at least 50% of their genetic makeup. The best interests of the child come last in the decision made.

Coconutter24 · 16/05/2025 17:24

crumblingschools · 16/05/2025 17:22

@Coconutter24 shouldn't be about what is best for the donor, should be about what is best for the child. The child should have access to their genetic history, and in best situation have access to the donor parent from early on.

@EmBear91 as other posters have said the difference for adoption, is that a child is not purposely created to be adopted, it is unfortunate circumstances that give rise to a child being adopted. They are not taken away from their birth mother unless really necessary. At all times it is the child's best interests that are forefront of any decision that is made.
Where donation/surrogacy is involved a child is being purposely created who will generally be missing at least 50% of their genetic makeup. The best interests of the child come last in the decision made.

No part of my comment did I say that is what is best for anyone

alloutofcareunits · 16/05/2025 17:26

My female cousin and her wife have two daughters through IVF, I also have a colleague in the same situation. No problem with this whatsoever, they’re all very loving parents. For those of you sharing concerns re two dads, does this apply to those who have adopted children? Or just those using a surrogate? I have a male colleague who adopted two older boys with his husband, they’ve been fantastic parents to two very traumatised boys who might have ended up in care much longer if not for them. However, I’m not supportive of men renting women’s bodies so they can have their children for them…..

isthatmyage · 16/05/2025 17:31

Wisterical · 16/05/2025 14:29

I think any child with two loving parents, of either sex, is a lucky child.

100% this

Fgfgfg · 16/05/2025 17:31

I'm glad you went down the 'official' NHS route. Ex friend of mine was a sperm donor to a lesbian friend of a friend. He basically used the couple to birth and raise a baby that he wanted. From the start he had plans to go to court and apply for residence. Thankfully it didn't work out and the court saw through him but it was a very stressful time for them (and the reason he's an ex friend).

thornbury · 16/05/2025 17:32

DH's boss is about to have a baby by surrogate with her wife (in US). I have discomfort about that but not about two mums even though I know logically it's through IVF or something. I've taught several children with 2 mums, all were boys.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 16/05/2025 17:32

Double love.

As long as there are males in their life like uncles or friends, it's fine.

You and your friend have taken different paths as we all do, regardless, as we live and learn.

Joystir59 · 16/05/2025 17:33

I honestly think two mums to be the safest and most nourishing parenting situation of all. Congratulations on achieving your lovely family.

menopausalfart · 16/05/2025 17:34

I would have loved to have two parents who loved me. I wouldn't have cared if it were two women or two men.

CarrieLite · 16/05/2025 17:36

I don't have an opinion because it's none of my bloody business! If 2 people love each other and want a child together, then that child will be very lucky to be brought up in a house with 2 loving people. It doesn't matter what sex the parents are.

As an aside, my youngest is gay and whilst she is adamant atm she doesn't want kids, I know that very well may change when she gets older. Obviously, if she does decide she wants kids, it will be with her future wife.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 16/05/2025 17:36

Fgfgfg · 16/05/2025 17:31

I'm glad you went down the 'official' NHS route. Ex friend of mine was a sperm donor to a lesbian friend of a friend. He basically used the couple to birth and raise a baby that he wanted. From the start he had plans to go to court and apply for residence. Thankfully it didn't work out and the court saw through him but it was a very stressful time for them (and the reason he's an ex friend).

I'm not keen on this being paid for by the NHS. The OP doesn't have a fertility problem.

minuette1 · 16/05/2025 17:37

Never thought about it too much, I guess I would think of one as the 'real' mum and the other as a step mum. Although I suppose if one woman's eggs were used and the other woman carried the child I would see them both as the biological parents.

bluesinthenight · 16/05/2025 17:38

I wonder why so many posters are mentioning two dads when OP is asking specifically about our attitudes to two mums.

For what it's worth I love the idea of a baby having as many parents of whatever gender. Babies should be loved and cared for.

OSU · 16/05/2025 17:39

Wisterical · 16/05/2025 14:29

I think any child with two loving parents, of either sex, is a lucky child.

This

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 16/05/2025 17:39

alloutofcareunits · 16/05/2025 17:26

My female cousin and her wife have two daughters through IVF, I also have a colleague in the same situation. No problem with this whatsoever, they’re all very loving parents. For those of you sharing concerns re two dads, does this apply to those who have adopted children? Or just those using a surrogate? I have a male colleague who adopted two older boys with his husband, they’ve been fantastic parents to two very traumatised boys who might have ended up in care much longer if not for them. However, I’m not supportive of men renting women’s bodies so they can have their children for them…..

I have no problems at all with same sex couples of either sex adopting - good on them.

I think surrogacy in all situations is wrong.

Gettingbysomehow · 16/05/2025 17:40

I'm absolutely fine with it. But it's shst you think that's important. Nobody else opinion matters.
I have a bi friend who was married to a male and he was vile to her and the kids. They were all unhappy. Now she's been married to a woman for a few years and the children are thriving.

Dizzy8 · 16/05/2025 17:42

Wisterical · 16/05/2025 14:29

I think any child with two loving parents, of either sex, is a lucky child.

This 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

AJ2025 · 16/05/2025 17:42

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

CopperWhite · 16/05/2025 17:43

bluesinthenight · 16/05/2025 17:38

I wonder why so many posters are mentioning two dads when OP is asking specifically about our attitudes to two mums.

For what it's worth I love the idea of a baby having as many parents of whatever gender. Babies should be loved and cared for.

Because equality. If it’s ok for one sex then it has to be ok for both.

Children deserve both mothers and fathers. That there are some children who don’t have one or the other isn’t a reason to create that situation and force it upon children when it’s clearly not what’s best for them.

Mjaxten16 · 16/05/2025 17:43

i was brought up by one woman, so can’t see anything wrong with two! My own dad was absent; my stepdad was as useful as chocolate teapot, and didn’t see him after aged 8, my siblings , were even younger. that so for me two loving parents of either same sex who love their child and give them a good life is good enough for me

your friend sounds ignorant. Many families have mum and dad, domestic abuse, all sorts of trauma so as long as it’s two loving parents then there is no issue