Funeral costs - do I need a reality check?

[cloudjumper]

For background - my SIL passed away a few weeks ago, and BIL is now organising her funeral. He’s told us that it will cost £6000! It’ll be a cremation.

I have never had to organise one myself, is that really what it costs to hold a funeral these days?!? If so, how can people afford this? Do you use life insurance etc? I’m just trying to get my head around this.

My Mums was £4k and we didn't skimp on anything really.
I put flowers from my garden that she planted on her coffin myself and we didn't have any cars which I suppose kept the cost down.
Cost wasn't an issue but some of the things suggested by The Funeral Home were completely unecessary to give my Mum the send off I think she would have wanted.
Funeral companies are Businesses not services and it is in their interest to "upsell", nothing wrong with that, we all have to make a living but its something to bear in mind

It doesnt have to cost that much.

The cheapest way is a direct cremation but no mourners or service are included. A cheap coffin can be used.

Is the funeral including a church service as well because that will add to the costs?

you dont have to use funeral cars to take guests nor do you have to pay for a pub or hotel to put on an after party either.

this is why a lot of people sort out funerals before they die and pay up front so members arent left doing all this. If your SIL has any estate that could be used to pay for her funeral after its been sorted.

sorry for your loss.

I think that's about normal and on the cheaper end. You can spends thousands more. It can be done cheaper, but it'd have to be a direct cremation with no mourners.

I've paid for 3 funerals in the last 5 years. The co op funeral, very simple was 5.5k.

The other co op funeral was more extravagant and was 9k.

The independent funeral, no family cars, wake at home, eco friendly was 6k.

My mum’s was quite small and was around £7,000 by the end of it all. It could have been cheaper but we did teas and food for everyone etc. We didn’t do funeral cars other than hearse, humanist ceremony, we did hire out part of the stately home with the woodland burial ground for the ceremony and then wake after. It was a woodland burial so had some associated costs with that (a tree for example!).

I think £6,000 isn’t unusual, but can be done perhaps a bit cheaper if there is a need to. But there’s a minimum level just to pay for undertaker, basic coffin etc.

Sorry for your loss.

Both my parents have planned their funerals in advance and are paying it off monthly, I suppose a bit like an insurance policy. They didn't want us to be worried about the cost of it, nor the organisation. I will probably do the same.

In the last two years I've been involved in funeral arrangements for both my dad (directly) and my brother (indirectly). Dad's was £6k and I'm still paying this off. This included a burial (his wishes) which I think is more expensive and there were a few other factors which pushed the cost up.

My brother's was £3.5k (cremation) but he had a payment plan which covered around 80% of this which definitely lessened the impact on his family. This was a wake-up call to me to start thinking about doing something similar. I'd hate to pass the cost burden to someone else on my passing. I don't personally like the idea of direct cremation but I can see why others do - I do think though that if it is my choice to have a funeral, then I should ensure this is covered.

One thing which stuck with me when we were talking through arrangements for my brother with the funeral director is that she acknowledged that there is a degree of upselling and that you can go as fancy as you like but nobody ever leaves a funeral saying "and the best thing about were the lovely handles on the coffin" so you can absolutely get away with plain and simple and nobody will judge you for it.

I paid just under 3 grand. No frills apart from the viewing bit. Cardboard coffin which was quite impressive really when I saw it. No cars for families.

Yes they can cost a lot more though. Some people need the performance I think.

Not at all a shocking price.

In my culture, funerals are extremely important and often the family spend tens of thousands on them. You can make them as cheap or expensive as you choose, but even the basics would cost a couple of thousand minimum.

Sorry to hear about your SIL. It doesn't have to cost that much but I can see how it easily could. I think even a very basic direct cremation with no ceremony costs at least £1k and an average 'normal' funeral plan pays out up to around £3k- £4k, and that's without lots of the 'extras', e.g. a burial plot (can be thousands depending on where), headstone (also thousands particularly a fancy one), embalming, horse drawn carriages, flowers, cars for the family...

Then there's the wake, obviously some people don't do one or just have people back to the house for tea which doesn't cost a lot but for a lot of people if you're expecting a high attendance using a venue or caterers is really the only option and it doesn't suddenly cost nothing to buy 100 people a cup of coffee and a sausage roll (and a lot of people do also allow for some alcohol or a full meal)...

How do people afford it, I think many older people save towards their funeral one way or another, funeral plan or just regular savings. Worth remembering the person's estate pays rather than the family, so even if the person doesn't have enough in ready cash for their funeral but does have assets like a house or car the costs of the funeral can be taken from this before the remainder is distributed to family/their beneficiaries. In the case of younger people dieing maybe unexpectedly, sometimes there's a life insurance payout or death in service/pension benefit that can help the family cover the cost (although technically these aren't part of the estate in the same way). Or sometime s family would just pay from their own pocket. There is still the modern equivalent of a paupers funeral if the person truly had no money at all but it's effectively a direct cremation, no service for family/ friends so people would often be willing to pay if they want a send-off...

Quite normal

It obviously depends on what you want. Like any thread arranging an event you will get people coming on telling you they arranged it for 60p

Direct cremation is a thing but doesn't come with a funeral so to speak, and won't include any costs for a wake.

I would tread carefully especially as an inlaw. Funerals are emotive, there are times when we made compromises (we had a printed cardboard coffin rather than wood), and it's important to remember what's important to you in the context of upselling and that it doesnt make you a shit family member if you dont go for the brass handles

However we were inundated with people the other way who kept saying how they wouldnt want a fuss if it was them (which i didnt find helpful), and isn't it stupid to spend so much etc. My mum was dead i wanted to make a fuss, have a service and spend time with family (and feed them!).
Maybe it's different for other people but we actually felt more pressure to cut costs than the other way. I wouldnt question the spending if its not an immediate relative

my MIL had a funeral no cars for mourners did all our own flowers etc but still cost £4000 FIL had a direct funeral no mourners just taken for us one morning then we had the ashes after but was still over a £1000

My parents both died within the last five years. They weren’t well off, but had saved money for the future, including their funerals. Mum paid for dad’s funeral out of their savings, and we did the same for Mum’s funeral. We used a local independent funeral director: they were excellent. For both we had the hearse, good quality coffin, large floral tribute on top of the coffin, one funeral car for immediate family, humanist celebrant, cremation, ashes, urn. Just under £4,500. We paid for food and drink for after the service separately, But altogether, it would’ve been around £5,000.

I'm guessing he's going with a company under the Dignity or Co-Op Funeral Care banners. That's a great way to over-spend. You are usually far better off with an independent funeral company. There's no shame in shopping around. It's a very big amount of money to spend.

Sorry for your loss. It's about 1500 more than either of my parents recent funerals. For both, I paid deposit amount and rest was paid from their estates via solicitor.

My DH is currently organising his Mum's funeral which is costing about £4k. However that doesn't include hire of a venue and catering for the wake which is still to be arranged so I can well believe it is going to be closer to the £6k your BIL is describing once all that is paid for.

There are some costs that are massively overpriced.

I was shocked at the cost of my sisters funeral a few years back and started looking into it for the first time in regard to my own funeral and what I could do to alleviate any stress on my Dd who would be responsible for organising it.

I have found out that you can in fact do a DIY funeral, Humanistic Organisations have a lot of interesting info.

I knew my sister wanted a biodegradable coffin, but at the funeral she was in a standard wooden coffin. I asked my niece and she said there wasn’t any difference in the price. I looked online and saw woven coffins for £100. (This was a few years ago).

I think because death is something we don’t want to think about, we are out of touch with the costs associated with it. Does anybody generally know what the trade price of oak, pine coffins are?

As said, funeral complains are a business and products and services will be priced at the rate the market will bear. A £4,000 designer bag does not cost 40 times the cost of a £100 bag to make.

Plus, I think most people would feel it was unseemly to haggle about costs when arranging the funeral for a much loved relative.

Its not that funeral companies are worse than other companies who are in a position to overcharge (some vet practices have been accused of this), it’s just business.

Yes 6k for the funeral we have just organised. Then 2K plus drinks at the reception. Its was a well attended but standard funeral.

Independent, family run business worked with us to plan my DF’s cremation, last month.

£6,500 including celebrant and her eulogy writing, hearse and three cars. They also printed an provided the order of service and pall bearers. DF had to be transported elsewhere for pathology and stayed in the chapel of rest for three weeks. No viewing as advised.

Funeral directors locally do have a note on their website that encourages families to ask for a quote, so very transparent.

Company used included no pressure and no ‘upsell’. They suggested the most basic coffin, unless we had preferred ideas. No pressure to pay for photos running in the crematorium.

Flowers were extra and paid to another company. Wake was extra.

Sounds perfectly normal. You can pay more, or less, it’s all about what you/they want. Did my mums just before Christmas, it was a bit less as it was a direct cremation with a humanist celebration of life event, cardboard coffin and all. All what she wanted. We splurged on flowers as she was a botanist and gardener.

I think you have to be careful about this kind of suggestion though unless it's asked for

For me part of what I was paying for was the ease of someone else taking control of a lot of the planning. I wanted to go and chose out of a catalogue and didnt have the time/energy to "shop around"

I had a family member who kept "helpfully" suggesting how we could cut costs but a lot of it required more work, organisation on my part (when I was suddenly plunged into grieving as well as the masses of admin), or it came across as how to penny pinch for what was the biggest deal of my life at this time. I felt like i was having to justify each decision when I was living day by day

I'm obviously not saying that was the case for you, and it's totally different planning your own

Its just that I found the pressure wasn't on having an extravagant affair, but to justify to people why we had plumped for flowers etc. I found there was a real focus on direct cremation, and it was like people thought i was mad for not going for it

In this situation unless exceptionally close with the Dbil or where he is worried about money, I wouldnt be suggesting DIY funerals, shopping around etc if he is comfortable with what he is chosing for his wives funeral and not asking for opinions

Forgot to add that we also had the bodies dressed and prepped (Not sure how else to describe it) for viewing.

My husband and I talked about this last week and both said ffs, there’s nothing to prove to friends and relatives in the event of our deaths. Do not spend thousands getting me cremated and a big do. Literally the cheapest you can get away with. It’s a joke, it’s like a fucking wedding

My mums was just under 6k three years ago. That did not include the wake. We didn’t go overboard either.

For my father last year we did:

Direct cremation with no family present: £1400
Lovely service in his church with readings, hymns etc followed by a buffet in the pub: £850 + flowers

We had a photo of him in the church on a small table where you might otherwise put the coffin.

Sorry but you are out of touch with the costs. This is why direct cremation and other such companies are becoming so successful.