Funeral costs - do I need a reality check?

[cloudjumper]

For background - my SIL passed away a few weeks ago, and BIL is now organising her funeral. He’s told us that it will cost £6000! It’ll be a cremation.

I have never had to organise one myself, is that really what it costs to hold a funeral these days?!? If so, how can people afford this? Do you use life insurance etc? I’m just trying to get my head around this.

In 2023 I organised a funeral and it cost £6,500. That included a double slot at the crematorium, two limos for family and a special hearse. Flowers for the coffin were £300 and the wake cost about £9k with venue hire, catering and open bar for about 150+ people.

I know all about it I was on the PCC at our local church. Our vicar officiated at 2 recent family funerals at local crem. She was paid for her services. It was arranged via funeral directors. It was not a donation

And if you are in financial hardship, the church can waive the PCC portion of the fee.

Yes we’ve just had a family funeral costing around £7k That was for a fairly small funeral with one car, flowers and also the wake with a buffet. Nothing fancy but also not the most basic of everything. I too was shocked at the price.

Not in the Church of Scotland. Funerals are part of a minister's job and they are obliged to carry out a funeral for anyone within their parish without charging. Most families will give something to the minister but there is no fixed charge or an expectation that any payment will be made.

Did the families live outside the parish?

I don't think the vicar can be paid directly otherwise.

I’m an only child and have lost both parents in the last 12 months. A basic funeral with no cars, minimal flowers and a funeral tea in a cafe was under 4K. Neither parent was embalmed.
I want a direct cremation for me as the funerals offered no comfort or closure. Two family members who hadn’t bothered with my parents for years turned up at my Dad’s. I’m not sure why as it certainly wasn’t to support me. People seem to feel they’ve done their bit by attending the funeral and don’t bother supporting the bereaved afterwards.

Also sorry to hear about this loss.

The next step up (in terms of cost) from a direct cremation - at least for the Co-op - is a 'simple funeral', where the family is in attendance. However, they have to take the date and time given to them by the Co-op.

This is what my neighbour did when her husband died, and she was perfectly satisfied with the arrangements.

I've just checked and - pre-paid - that's over 3k.

My husband's funeral was between 4 and 5k. I chose the date and time for that. The cost included the services of a humanist celebrant and I also asked for a piper before and after the service, plus a florist's spray for the coffin. (The coffin wasn't the cheapest, but was far from being the dearest.)

This also included the cost of a limousine to take me to the funeral parlour where the hearse was waiting and then to the crematorium. This was during Covid. I didn't want a limousine - a smaller car is normally available - but I was told that it wasn't allowed because of regulations (possibly the Co-op's own regulations...no idea).

The limousine also took me home following the service.

Trigger Warning.

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I also paid for embalming. I honestly didn't know whether I should or not, but at the back of my mind was that his kids might come up from England and want to view him.

it's worth remembering what is probably included in that seemingly big sum.

care of your loved one's remains prior to burial/cremation
a coffin
fee for the crematorium
fee for the humanist or priest etc
the funeral directors will be at the crematorium on the day
casket for the ashes
a lair (what we call it in Scotland)
burial of the ashes/coffin in the cemetery/graveyard
flowers
a car if you need one
printing the funeral cards
a funeral tea
a gravestone - these are expensive.

If you have a good funeral director, they will help with all of the above, which is worth it's weight in gold three times over when you have lost a loved one.

@cloudjumper According to AI response to internet search on average UK funeral cost:
"The average cost of a funeral in the UK is around £4,706, but this can vary significantly depending on factors like location, type of funeral, and optional extras. Basic burials average around £5,033, while cremation costs are typically less, around £3,980. Direct cremation, a simpler option, can be found for around £1,557."
If your BIL is paying £2k above the typical cost for a cremation, maybe he's chosen to go with bells and whistles? Or the funeral director is particularly expensive?
You don't say if your SIL's death was unexpected or not? If she'd been ill for some time, is there a chance they planned her funeral together and he's just trying to adhere to her wishes?

That sounds lovely. Thanks for posting, it made me rethink my plans.

I still definitely want a direct cremation but realise the family may need to get together and have some kind of ceremony.

When my mother died I was surprised at how much the readings, singing and getting together for the "after party" and sharing stories about her helped.

But there was no comfort in seeing the coffin or viewing her body and I hated the fact that there was a long wait for the funeral, over 3 weeks.

close friend died in March, she signed up for a direct cremation with one of those companies. She had only paid 3 months before a terminal diagnosis of cancer. It cost £1800. I would recommend instructing a local funeral director as people have to travel quite a distance once deceased and seems unnecessary, people when waiting a few hours for them to collect the body. Funerals are for the living and we have all struggled with fact there was no funeral, but we do plan to scatter her ashes in the summer. Funerals are very expensive.

£6k sounds reasonable to me but it’s really dependent on the family and what they expect from a funeral.

I come from a family where funerals are an important part of mourning and a mark of respect because they celebrate who our loved one was and bring together everyone they knew.

Some of that’s expensive like catering, cars, carefully curated flowers, etc but we also spend days pouring over photos to make a photo display, perfecting eulogies, etc. We see it as the final act of love rather than a functional event.

I hate how its expected to spend a lot of money on a funeral. I understand the wanting to give someone a good send off, but equally, its fine to not spend the money of you don't want to.

Someone close to a friend died and my friend had a huge argument with another family member about how they were expected to send a big flower arrangement and that they had to have cars and had to have this and that because if they didn't then it would look like they didn't care. It ended up being such a waste of money just to keep up with what the family member expected.

£6,000 for a cremation and £10,000 for a burial is what I have in my head as the "standard" cost - but of course that would be variable for both depending on a huge number of choices.

She had no funeral plan, but her will states to pay it from her estate, so thankfully I don't have to cover the cost myself.

Funeral costs are one of the priority payments of the estate, whether or not it is in the will. I'm glad she gave you peace of mind by putting it in, though.

DH and I have booked and paid for direct cremations for both of us. There's a thousand in cash put in with each plan for the dcs to do whatever they want afterwards.

@SeaPainting I totally understand where you are coming from regarding direct cremations, but my husband and I don’t have any children and grandchildren, my husband is an only child, and I have one brother and niece, so there would not be much point in having a church or crematorium service to be honest. I do have lots of cousins, but not seen many of them for years, and most of my husbands cousins are either 20 plus year’s older than him, and their children are about the same age as him.

Husband and I have discussed this, and we would probably have a small gathering at a restaurant/hotel/our home where we could invite people to share memories in a less formal way.

I’ve arranged 3 funerals in recent years

one was fancy, burial with horse and carriage the whole lot, that was 7k plus wake

second was another burial, no horse and carriage 5k no wake.

last one was last month, my aunt who died suddenly at 59, direct cremation with local funeral director, they allowed us to hold a small ceremony on viewing and it was absolutely the best funeral and way to celebrate my aunts life, so personal and had 6 hours - that cost just under 2k and had her ashes back in a beautiful urn.

made me realise we didn’t need the usual ceremony, just family with my aunt, remember our memories, we even decorated the coffin with messages and pictures, so so lovely

A friend had a direct cremation and several weeks later his widow hosted a 'remembrance' at a local club. She put a buffet on and photographs out. It was a much happier occasion because some time had elapsed.
Our family is spread all over the place so we have paid for our direct cremations and our families will have time to arrange to meet up and probably do some sorting out at the same time.

We paid £7k for my father’ funeral. I tried to keep costs as low as possible but my mother and sister wanted particular flowers, there were big costs associated with moving his body back to our home town, he was cremated then interred. I reckon I could have shaved another £1000/£1500 off the costs but my mother and sister had forgotten/forgiven all the grief he gave us in the bereavement. He did not have a funeral plan and had spent everything he owned

dying is an expensive business

I recently arranged a funeral for my son. Including embalming, flowers and celebrant, order of service, service at the crem. It all came to just over £4k. It was well-done. The wake afterwards was not included in this, a close friend paid for that.

Yes, that's a pretty normal price. Most people pay for it from life insurance or from a death payout from a pension or the money is released from their estate. A lot of people, even if struggling day to do, do have that kind of money across all their savings and property ownership that can be released on death. It's significantly less than the average wedding cost. But as others have said, it can be done for less, if that's what the family want.

Depends where in the UK I suppose. My nephew's funeral 18 months ago was £3500 and that included a great deal of moving the body/coffin across long distances multiple times (don't ask).

My mum's 2 years ago was £2500 with less faffing about but did include soup/sandwiches for 75 at a local hotel afterwards.

Both were burials rather than cremations though and I'm aware our local undertaker is an incredibly kind and generous man who does his utmost to keep costs down. Sadly we've had many occasions to use his services over the last 10 years.

Yes, I have told everyone I want a cardboard coffin when I go. It is much better for the environment.