Funeral costs - do I need a reality check?

[cloudjumper]

For background - my SIL passed away a few weeks ago, and BIL is now organising her funeral. He’s told us that it will cost £6000! It’ll be a cremation.

I have never had to organise one myself, is that really what it costs to hold a funeral these days?!? If so, how can people afford this? Do you use life insurance etc? I’m just trying to get my head around this.

You have to consider who the funeral is for. Certainly not the dead person.
Generally it's for the relatives who believe the fancier the funeral, the more people will think the deceased was loved.
It's all so much bollocks

£5-6k including small reception after sounds about right, although it's a while since I last organised one.

Can I suggest you consider what sort of Order of Service, music, flowers or donation etc you would like and keep a record of it. I have arranged three funerals and it's the most paralysing aspect. It's so hard wanting to do your best by someone, hoping they would approve, whilst trying to organise all the logistics and other death admin all whilst grieving and feeling devastated.

He always said don't waste money on a funeral, bury me in a cardboard box. He was cremated, but I did consider a cardboard coffin. They are outrageously expensive!

They are expensive because they need to have so much reinforcement to take the weight of an adult.

I'm sure, but the cheap wooden coffin, was less environmentally friendly and far less expensive.

Is this what relatives believe?

Again (a bit like weddings!) - if you are having any kind of gathering, there just are minimum costs. You can avoid expensive flowers, fancy coffins, lots of cars for mourners - but it’s nice to have a room for a wake, refreshments, and a celebrant or minister to lead things.

Of course, you can have a direct cremation with no one there, just as you can go to the registry office with a couple of witnesses from the street. But it’s not a gradual scale of cost if you decide you want to have friends and family there on the day. It’s a significant step up.

We paid £4,500 a few months ago and with food and drinks maybe £5000. We didn’t skimp at all but did buy the cheapest coffin , no cars and did the food ourselves. There were about 50 mourners and it was a cremation.

My mums funeral last year cost just under £4k. That included one bouquet of flowers, pretty much the cheapest coffin, the celebrant and two cars. We did not view the body and carried the coffin into the crematorium ourselves so only two funeral directors/drivers needed.

This did not include the food and drinks in the pub afterwards, we catered for about 40 people and had quite a party which my mum would have wanted so it added quite a lot to the total cost.

Im not a fan of all the extras on offer preferring a simple ceremony hence no fancy coffin or urn for the ashes.

Crematorium doesn't have a parish as such.

@snoopyfanaccountant we'd never seen the man walking before the hearse at any funeral we'd been to except on the telly....fair dos if that is what happens though. And they might have tried to explain it but the whole thing tends to be a bit of a blur as you organise it.

One thing which stuck with me when we were talking through arrangements for my brother with the funeral director is that she acknowledged that there is a degree of upselling and that you can go as fancy as you like but nobody ever leaves a funeral saying "and the best thing about were the lovely handles on the coffin" so you can absolutely get away with plain and simple and nobody will judge you for it.

Have to agree with this.

My mum died 8 years ago and I sorted everything for her…..the cost then for funeral, burial , wake etc was £7000….the one thing that stuck in my mind about it all was the three funeral cars for family ( she was Irish so no skimping on the amount of cars) cost £1050 …..8 years ago !!!!

Did the people live outside the vicar's parish?

If the funeral is for parishioners, the diocese and PCC get the money, regardless of whether the funeral takes place in the church building or on council property.

It's pretty standard IME. You won't see it if you are sitting in the church.

It never used to happen in my part of Scotland - no cane, etc. Now it does. I honestly think that it's come about because people have seen it on television.

I highly recommend a book called "We all know how this ends" by Anna Lyons and Louise Winter.

It was my parish priest not my parent's vicar no mention of 'donation' just whatever she charged applied to the funeral directors bill

The funeral director handles all the finances. That's part of their service, They will then pay the PCC, and any fees to the organist and verger if it's in church. If the deceased lived outside the parish, the vicar or other clergyperson can keep the money as a fee if retired.

My mum's was £2000. £1600 for attended direct cremation, and an extra £400 because I chose a special coffin.

Funerals I think started about £4000.

My mums was £1,700 last year, direct cremation with a local funeral director. Her ashes were buried in a family plot. The headstone and wake were extra. Just what she wanted.

You are aware there are lots of different denominations with lots of different arrangements ?
Also that, for many people who have contributed to the life of the Church, there will often not be a fee charged by the Presbyter, Organist, etc, let alone anyone not even involved.

Clearly, from the context, I was referring to the Church of England.

We organised DMs 18 months ago and it came to just under £6k. Rough prices but humanist ceremony, cremation, hearse and a family car I think came to just over £5k, "Mam" and "Grandma" flowers were around £500, and a wake for around 30 people was £300.

It was all very sudden and she was only 61, so it wasn't something we had discussed. She could be a bit eccentric and we thought she might have liked some kind of woven wicker style coffin. They were more expensive and the funeral director could have pushed us down that route but he basically said there's not much to gain by spending more because you maybe feel some sense of duty (not his exact words!), bells and whistles wouldn't change the service we'd receive and that we should go with what we're comfortable with. That was reassuring to hear.

We did an unattended direct cremation and we left the crematorium to deal with the ashes. ( I think they get scattered in the grounds of the crematorium) for my Dad. We didn’t have any service or ‘celebration’. It cost around £1300. It was just what he wanted and just what we all wanted. My whole family are doing the same.

Can I just add for those interested in direct cremation, the companies that advertise on tv are ripping you off and your loved one will likely be placed in a remote storage facility.

You can arrange a direct cremation with a local funeral director and local crematorium. It will be cheaper and the cremation will take place quicker.

Traditional funeral directors tend not to advertise direct cremations as they don’t make as much money, but they are available without using the companies that advertise on tv.

We also looked at a wicker coffin for Mum but were put off by the higher cost compared to wood - we ended going with the cheapest which we know Mum would have preferred! I did see a cardboard coffin ( think Amazon box!) which might have suited Mum as she loved getting parcels from Amazon but we wondered what would happen if it rained!

The wake cost a lot as we ordered lots of food that Mum enjoyed and left a card behind the bar for all the drinks. Mum loved a party and everyone who knew her agreed she would have been happy to pick up the tab!