Something your parents did that you will not be doing?

[Catsandcannedbeans]

What is something (habit or behaviour) that your parents did that you will not be doing? I’m not really talking about things that are obviously harmful like “I won’t smack my kids” but things that you didn’t notice at the time but that retroactively really damaged you?

My mum always used to say she was ugly and imply she was unattractive without make up on, and I know she didn’t do this to make me feel bad but it made me feel horrible. Everyone has always said we look alike, and when I look at photos of her at my age we really look very similar. So she would be saying all this and in my head I just felt like she was calling me ugly. She also had an insane fear of ageing and would say she looked “so old”. She objectively doesn’t, and even now she looks good for her age, but you can’t tell her that. My sister also feels it impacted her self esteem, but not as much because she looks more like my dad (who unironically believes he is the most handsome man to ever live). It has taken me a lot of time to get over, and to be honest now I do think I’ve always been relatively good looking apart from when I was a teen and insisted on cutting my own hair. I don’t hold it against my mum at all, she is a really good mum so I am very lucky and I know she wasn’t trying to upset me or give me a complex she just has low self esteem.

My DD looks a lot like me, it’s something that’s commented on all the time. Even when I feel like shit I always make sure to not comment on it in front of her. Also I try and accept compliments graciously because you cannot compliment my mother, to the point where it’s sometimes very frustrating.

I don’t really have one relating to my dad, because he is just objectively quite a bad parent and was irresponsible (and really fun to be around as a kid). The only thing is he definitely treated me and my sister differently from my brothers. He was much more patient with us, and we definitely were better behaved (my youngest two brothers were a constant riot) but I think that’s a chicken and egg situation. If he had been less strict with them and been a bit more compassionate I think they’d have been a bit better behaved. I also think that’s a product of the time though. We treat DD and DS the same, but I think the vast majority of people do now.

My mum was and still is, obsessed with dieting. She's been on every diet you can think of and it's all she ever talked about when I was growing up. As a result I don't have a great relationship with food. I've seen her constantly restrict herself and then binge over and over the cycle continues.

I never talk about dieting or weight in front of my children. DD9 is healthy and active. I workout at home most days and during school hols she likes to join in. I tell her it makes me happy because exercise releases happy hormones. We eat healthy meals but there are no "good" or "bad" foods. Everything in moderation.

Have children 😃

Smoke

Same never wanted kids anyway.

Overfeeding my kids

Making finish everything on your plate or commenting upon how much or little you are having (means you learn not to listen to your own body cues and makes you self-conscious about what you are eating).

Smoke (never once had an interest/try 🤢)

Always commenting on her own weight negatively and expressing how ugly she is looking in the mirror (she’s not to us and would never criticise our bodies or appearance but it then doesn’t model a positive acceptance of your body and good body image).

Bad mouth my dad (even 20 years later, they are divorced and with good reason to bad mouth so not that, and imo I am allowed to as is my dad), then means you feel the split loyalties between your two parents which is not fair on a child or even adult. Go and discuss your frustrations with another trusted party if you have to, not us!

Be very reluctant to things like going to doctor or engaging in things that will help like counselling/mental health support (like for goodness sake, just look after yourself and get your physical/mental health/any other issues sorted rather than putting up with it when you don’t have to!)

Quite cathartic this 😂

My mother told me she wished she’d never had children. I’d never say that to my children, even though I think it sometimes.

Constantly refer to me as being tubby and a barrel. Would never say anything like that to my children.

Alcoholism 🤷🏾‍♀️

I don’t have kids, but if I had I would have done my best never to dismiss or invalidate their feelings. My mum’s done it to me my entire life, and even as an adult I still struggle with confidence around certain things as a result.

When my brother was 16 and I was 14 that they had enough of being parents having never really wanted children anyway and whilst we still lived in their house we had to do our own cooking, washing etc, they stopped coming to parents evening, went on holidays without us including going to Australis for 4 weeks right when I was sitting GCSEs. As soon as we were coming up 18 they wanted to know the date we were moving out and made sure we stuck to it. I will never do that

My children have grown up so as far as parenthood is concerned I know what mistakes I avoided, which mistakes I repeated, and which new mistakes I made.

Even in their eighties my parents take pride in saving from their pensions and taking a flask and a few biscuits on outings instead of wasting money in a café. I will not do that, and nor do I intend to try to manipulate my children with talk of "your inheritance".

Heavy drinking

My mother sadly felt that should sacrifice her every happiness for her children, but we knew and felt guilt and sadness over it for many years. Even now that she has passed away it hurts so much that she felt the need to do that.

Never apologise when I’ve done something wrong. My mother quite literally could never admit that she’d been wrong about anything and never apologised, ever, for anything.

Smoke

Parent 1:
Smoking
Always being at work
Going on holiday without the children and leaving them with randoms.
Moving miles away from where I chose to bring up my kids.

Parent 2:
Alcoholism
Wasting my children's inheritance
Not being an active grandparent

My dad went to Florida without us.

Golfing with his mates.

Brought me back a wooden chanter thing he clearly picked up in the airport on the way home.

Would resent taking me to dentist appointments. Made constant promises of taking me to play football or snooker, just the two of us, then moaned when I had the audacity to remind him he said we would do these things on the day they were supposed to be happening.

Children aren't for everyone but once you have them, at least try to act like they aren't a fucking burden on your perfect life.

Getting married. My parents made it look so joyless, and still do. I’ve never married and neither have my siblings.

My DP had a drink and an argument every Friday night like clockwork.
Saturday would be one or both of them hungover and them not speaking. By Sunday things would be getting back to normal.
Rinse and repeat.

Have screaming arguments on the landing while the children tried to sleep
Sunbathe until burnt
Drink drive
Use a chip pan with fat always in it
Go to Butlins
Drive without a seatbelt
Own an ashtray

I’ve done everything in my power to make myself and my life as different as possible from theirs

I have lots of memories surrounding drink, sitting in the pub with parents late at night, drinking in the house, arguing. They worked and led pretty normal lives but these memories live with me and I would hate to do this to a child

My Mum was a single parent and I was an only child and I get that being a single parent is a lot, but she never wanted to play with me. I can never remember her sitting down and playing a board game or make believe or doing crafts or whatever. I used to sit on my own and play snakes and ladders or ludo with a doll or a teddy and I’d take both turns. My DS is an only child and he will NEVER have to do that.

Also as already mentioned her obsession with her weight. It continues, she text me only today she’s lost 3lb and often documents to me what she’s eaten in a day, as if she wants some kind of acknowledgement for being ‘good’. She never exercised though and any kind of exertion was a big deal that deserved reward. It’s sent me the other way anyway, I don’t own scales but I eat in a balanced way and exercise in a balanced way. I hope to raise my Son to see regular exercise as a normal part of life, not a hardship or a way to justify treats.

Retire, probably.

I always feel bad for kids when I see them trying to get their parents attention and they're too busy on their phones, very sad