Something your parents did that you will not be doing?

[Catsandcannedbeans]

What is something (habit or behaviour) that your parents did that you will not be doing? I’m not really talking about things that are obviously harmful like “I won’t smack my kids” but things that you didn’t notice at the time but that retroactively really damaged you?

My mum always used to say she was ugly and imply she was unattractive without make up on, and I know she didn’t do this to make me feel bad but it made me feel horrible. Everyone has always said we look alike, and when I look at photos of her at my age we really look very similar. So she would be saying all this and in my head I just felt like she was calling me ugly. She also had an insane fear of ageing and would say she looked “so old”. She objectively doesn’t, and even now she looks good for her age, but you can’t tell her that. My sister also feels it impacted her self esteem, but not as much because she looks more like my dad (who unironically believes he is the most handsome man to ever live). It has taken me a lot of time to get over, and to be honest now I do think I’ve always been relatively good looking apart from when I was a teen and insisted on cutting my own hair. I don’t hold it against my mum at all, she is a really good mum so I am very lucky and I know she wasn’t trying to upset me or give me a complex she just has low self esteem.

My DD looks a lot like me, it’s something that’s commented on all the time. Even when I feel like shit I always make sure to not comment on it in front of her. Also I try and accept compliments graciously because you cannot compliment my mother, to the point where it’s sometimes very frustrating.

I don’t really have one relating to my dad, because he is just objectively quite a bad parent and was irresponsible (and really fun to be around as a kid). The only thing is he definitely treated me and my sister differently from my brothers. He was much more patient with us, and we definitely were better behaved (my youngest two brothers were a constant riot) but I think that’s a chicken and egg situation. If he had been less strict with them and been a bit more compassionate I think they’d have been a bit better behaved. I also think that’s a product of the time though. We treat DD and DS the same, but I think the vast majority of people do now.

I won't be an addict and I'll seek help if I ever lean that way (never say never, but, thankfully, I don't seem to have that gene or tendency).

Being stoic and stiff upper lipped.

I am now an adult and am struggling with bereavement because nobody shows their feelings, and I have a lot of feelings (which are met with oh go and get therapy, you must be depressed, which I know I am not - surely it is normal to be upset when somebody has died).
If my own children are upset, for whatever reason we will talk about it and validate feelings. And no, I am not a gentle parent. I don't mean petty things, but the big stuff yes.

My brother once said to me that his guide for raising his children was, "Whatever our parents did, do the opposite."
He is a superb parent, precisely because of this.
My father was a violent alcoholic. My mother ignored his violence, even when it was in her face. Once, my father threw a hot iron in my face. It left an iron-shaped burn. My mother's response was that she didn't see anything.
My parents made sure we knew that we were always last to their relationship. There was nothing that my father could do, no matter how horrific, that my mother wouldn't either defend or pretend not to see.
I love my husband and we try to be a united force in how we raise our child, but I cannot understand my parents' actions.

My mother also down-played any of our achievements. I still remember the time my father called me to tell me that I was nothing - I didn't have a proper job, wasn't married, didn't even have a car. I was, to quote, worthless shit and an embarrassment. I was finishing up an Oxbridge PhD, fully-funded, at the time.

My child isn't spoilt, but many of the things he wants, I get him. A toy in a toy-shop? To go into the special section at a museum? An ice-cream. I knew throughout my childhood not to ask for anything, because the answer was no. Their control of food in particular - never enough and always unpleasant - led to an eating disorder. I respect when my child says he doesn't like something or does really enjoy a certain meal.

I will never let my child grow up in a house with a constant fear of violence, or where the parent (my father) would sulk and be grumpy, or physically attack or verbally degrade the other parent. Still, to this day, my father has never apologized for anything. When we visit, he misbehaves, because he is jealous of the attention my mother is giving to her grandchild. Hence we visit rarely and briefly.

I could go on and on. In some ways, their violence was the making of me. It pushed me to university and beyond, precisely because I saw it as the only way to get away. I was the first person in my family to go to university. But I wouldn't wish my childhood on anyone.

Making things like puberty, shaving, BO, sex etc. seem shameful

Parenting through guilt. My parents were loving and caring and we were never smacked. But things like "I was so disappointed with you when you behaved like that/said that/didn't accept seconds of the trifle which you hate to pretend that you actually like it/were clumsy and knocked over that chair. It was so embarrassing" were said to me too often during my childhood.

I don't parent my kids that way. I tell them what I want them to do (reasonable things like "Get dressed", "stop making that racket", "put your shoes on"). Not abstract stuff like "be on your best behaviour" or "it's really important that you make a good impression". And then if they don't do it, I tell them what the consequence will be if they continue misbehaving. And then I follow through. I don't punish accidents or nervousness and I would never say to my child who wants to stay next to me at a party "For heaven's sake, CrispieCake, go away and play with the other children and leave me alone to chat to the other grown-ups" and then not notice my child hiding behind a pillar or under a table for the whole event.

Excuse abuse

Exactly the same here.
i has to get away and build my own life so even though I wanted to run away, I stayed and made sure I got good grades so I could go to uni, get a good job and get away from them.

Stay in an unhappy, sexless marriage.

Parents are in their early 70s and still together (will be 45 years married this summer, together for 55) but I grew up very much aware that there’s wasn’t a close, loving, affectionate relationship. I remember being about 6 or 7 and making Dad kiss my Mum goodbye before he left for work one morning and can probably only think of 2 or 3 other times where there’s been any physical gesture of affection between them.

At 15 I overheard an argument where my Mum wanted to know why my Dad had rejected her sexually (at that point for about 8 years) and was begging him to go to marriage counselling. To which my Dad responded there was no point, as he didn’t love my Mum and was only with her because he loved us kids. It was heartbreaking to hear my Mum breakdown.

Over time, they’ve fallen into a strange companionship, where they basically coexist in the same house. I know money was a factor for my Mum in not divorcing and she still feels lonely. For my Dad, he was quite happy with the status quo and as my Mum came to terms with the fact the marriage was dead, and arguments stopped as she stopped caring, he’s been able to carry on in his own bubble. Neither of them could really afford to start over again, so I think they’ve become, if not satisfied, at least resigned to their lot.

It made me determined to never settle for marrying someone who I wasn’t sure was the one. DH and I met when we were both 28 and we were together for 7 years before we got engaged, 9 by the time we married. It will be 15 years together and 6 married this summer and whilst we have had our ups and downs like any other couple, we are best friends, love each other and are still very much in love with each other and work together as a partnership. We also still fancy the pants off each other and have sex at least once a day, the same as when we first got together.

Oh and to steer well clear of dodgy timeshares in the Canaries….

I wouldn't criticise EVERYTHING not cut chunks out of my children's hair as a punishment.

@notnorman, I am sorry you had a very similar childhood. We were tremendously brave to make our paths out of this and create far different lives for ourselves. I raise a toast to you.

Similar dysfunction here

massive well done for getting through this and beyond !

you sound like a fantastic mum !!!

@BrentfordForever, I am sorry you had to go through this too. It took me years to realize quite how dysfunctional it was. We were all tremendously brave to make different lives and become different parents. (Naturally, my mother thinks my son is tremendously spoilt. I couldn't care less).

yes good point.. funny enough if I could make a choice, I would chose that childhood again.. and I bet you would do too …

one thing I ll say when my dad died I forgave and made peace.. not worth having any bad feeling inside

sending lots of love
xxx

Bought a house for less than mid six figures 😭

Holy. Fuck. 💐

Tell my dc their flaws so that they can correct them. I don't mean character flaws. I mean things like posture and skin. Similarly to another poster, my mum also told me all about her perceived physical flaws. Guess what - I'm also terribly self-conscious about them in me. My dc don't know this, I hope, because I've tried my best never to tell my dc that I disliked or was bothered by any part of myself. (This has actually had a good effect on me, because I have learned to like myself and be comfortable in myself as I am.)

And I refuse to tell my dc that they should be frightened of things. My dm put such nonsense fears in my head.

My dc all have things that are outside the stereotypes of beauty: scoliosis, disproportions, scarring. They are all physically confident and comfortable in their bodies.

I got one thing right!

Smoke, smack your children, be controlling, work very little.

I had a great childhood but there's still small things I'm going to do differently.

We used to eat quite limited food and dessert every night. My kids eat healthier and have much more exposure to all sorts of fruit and veg (not that they always eat them) and hardly ever have dessert.

My parents weren't into appearance and so didn't comment on appearance as kids but they also didn't allow us to explore self-expression through clothes. They are think feminine things (dresses, makeup, long hair) are silly and are conservative about things tattoos, piercings, hair dye etc. I let my kids to express themselves however they want. My daughter loves pink so she gets pink (with some encouragement to try other colours too).

I'm also going to give my kids pocket money so they can save and buy things they want and not have me tell them it's silly or not needed.

Stop my children from pursuing higher education, letting them get burnt to a crisp in the summer, letting them ride horses without hats, leaving them alone in hotels while they go to the pub, never showing physical affection.
This is very cathartic. Thanks op.

A lot of the boards have nothing to do with parenting. You don't need to have children to post about kittens, redundancy, paint colours, cancer treatment, how to prune roses, or what you've been watching on the telly, do you?

Some people without children are on this forum for another reason. There are specific areas on here for people to talk about their infertility.

Comparing to other kids, never admitting there wrong or apologising. Telling me im not good enough. Giving zero privacy. Obviously hitting and stuff but it's the emotional stuff that affects you.

My parents very rarely bothered to organise family activities / days out during the school holidays. In fact from age 11 I was left to babysit my 6 year old sister while they were at work, all summer. My grandparents were living next door, but we basically watched a lot of tv. I was also expected to tidy up the house, cook dinner, even making my parents bed! My mum would throw a tantrum if she found something was not clean enough (obviously, because I was distracted watching tv) and would call me a lazy pig.

Marry a 'wonderful' man who treats his own children like dirt, then stay with him after he predictably does the same to yours... but divorce the 'sociopath' when he starts on you.

Become an alcoholic.

Talk endlessly of the terrible, horrifying things 'the family' has done to each other going back to great-grandparents childhoods...

Refuse to spend Christmas for over a decade and counting with your grandchildren because of the Christmas their mother didn't come to see you because the lazy cow was in hospital...

Like pp, my mother is a great example of parenting, I just do the opposite to her approach and know I'm heading in the right direction for my children.

Op, great thread.

@BrentfordForever, I am glad that you were able to forgive. I think I have too - in large part because, after a life-time of alcoholism, my father is no longer the violent man who terrorized me, but a weak, frail, old man, who I pity. I see that, in many ways, he always felt his life (and himself) was a great disappointment, that his bullying was rooted in very low self-esteem (which probably began with his own father, who was also a violent alcoholic who terrorized his family, particularly my dad, but died young).
I agree that holding onto anger feels awful and that it is better to let it go. I think, when he dies, I will be sad - sad that we could never have a different relationship. But, when I see my own child, I just cannot understand how anyone could treat a child the way my brother and I were treated. Mixed feelings, definitely.

Having read the thread, I got off very lightly, and have no proper troubles to impart. But making me and my sister sit and eat everything on our plates was one thing that I have never done to my own children, and won't tolerate it with my grandchildren either. Yes it is frustrating, but if they don't like cauliflower, they don't like cauliflower, put it in the bin, move on.