Something your parents did that you will not be doing?

[Catsandcannedbeans]

What is something (habit or behaviour) that your parents did that you will not be doing? I’m not really talking about things that are obviously harmful like “I won’t smack my kids” but things that you didn’t notice at the time but that retroactively really damaged you?

My mum always used to say she was ugly and imply she was unattractive without make up on, and I know she didn’t do this to make me feel bad but it made me feel horrible. Everyone has always said we look alike, and when I look at photos of her at my age we really look very similar. So she would be saying all this and in my head I just felt like she was calling me ugly. She also had an insane fear of ageing and would say she looked “so old”. She objectively doesn’t, and even now she looks good for her age, but you can’t tell her that. My sister also feels it impacted her self esteem, but not as much because she looks more like my dad (who unironically believes he is the most handsome man to ever live). It has taken me a lot of time to get over, and to be honest now I do think I’ve always been relatively good looking apart from when I was a teen and insisted on cutting my own hair. I don’t hold it against my mum at all, she is a really good mum so I am very lucky and I know she wasn’t trying to upset me or give me a complex she just has low self esteem.

My DD looks a lot like me, it’s something that’s commented on all the time. Even when I feel like shit I always make sure to not comment on it in front of her. Also I try and accept compliments graciously because you cannot compliment my mother, to the point where it’s sometimes very frustrating.

I don’t really have one relating to my dad, because he is just objectively quite a bad parent and was irresponsible (and really fun to be around as a kid). The only thing is he definitely treated me and my sister differently from my brothers. He was much more patient with us, and we definitely were better behaved (my youngest two brothers were a constant riot) but I think that’s a chicken and egg situation. If he had been less strict with them and been a bit more compassionate I think they’d have been a bit better behaved. I also think that’s a product of the time though. We treat DD and DS the same, but I think the vast majority of people do now.

😂Don't you just miss the good ol' days!😅

Force feed them
Comment negatively about my appearance in front of them
Talk about diets or "dieting"
Own a set of weighing scales

I grew up with an eating disorder and there's no way on earth I was ever going to inflict that on my dd. She's now a teenager. Eats healthily/what she wants/self - regulates. Couldn't tell you what she weighs (no scales!), goes to the gym (to mainly exercise her mouth chatting with her mates!), loves school sports and is slim.

Also my dd knows she can talk to me about ANYTHING - drink, drugs, sex, periods, pregnancy etc and whatever happens to never think "I can't go home, my mum will kill me!" I tell her whatever happens can always be fixed eg unwanted pregnancy, although she knows I'd help her with contraception if she asked and if she gets drunk or takes drugs I just want her home safe so I can look after her. I suppose the basic point I'm trying to make is my daughter isn't scared of me like I was of my parents. And to this day I don't tell them anything about my life.

My parents are no longer with us but there's a lot of things I don't do that they did, particularly my mum.
For a start, I don't drink a lot, they both did and both died relatively young due to alcohol related health issues.
I'd never tell my kids i didn't want them. I'd never lie to one them about who their father is. I'd never threaten to have my grandchild removed from their care so I could take them myself. And I'd bever threaten to kidnap my grandchild either....
And I'd never choose alcohol over my family.

Despite what my mother and stepfather did to me…

Washed my mouth out with a bar of soap when I spoke out of line.

Hit me with a buckled belt.

Constantly called me names…and said I would be a prostitute.

Fed me “Sweets” in the kitchen when they once had visitors. I was rushed to hospital after being given an overdose of something that left me fighting for my life.

These are only some of the things that happened to me.

I got married and divorced and was a single parent for a long time.

Met my dp 25 years ago when my dd’s were 10 and 14. He is amazing and has given me everything I needed to get over my past. My dd’s love him as do I.

Both my dd’s are educated, successful and happy. They have traveled and know that we’re hear for both of them no matter what. They are loved and know that they are. They had a completely different early life to what I had.

I also have a dgd who at only 4 is grounded, headstrong, intelligent and she knows that she is loved.

I did everything I could to end the negativity, the nastiness and abuse that I endured.

And of course I’m nc with my family. It ended with me.

My mum always told me not to be sad (she still does actually) and I think it’s really unhelpful as it’s healthy to have emotions. I only remember the times when it’s been about animals dying (my fish dying, seeing dead animals on walks) but I imagine she will have said it at other times too. I think it’s just because she didn’t/doesn’t want to see me upset/crying as it makes her sad/upset too but being sad is a perfectly normal emotional response and I want my child to feel like it is okay to express all of his emotions with me and in general.

My mum had affairs when we were children and was open about it even taking us on days out with the boyfriend then back home to dad I would never ever do this, she should have left the marriage not behaved like this. I would never ever have an affair and I have more loyalty to my children and husband

The use of food. If you don’t clear your plate you won’t get a desert. Using food as a reward. You can only have sweets as a special treat/reward/punishment.

I’m ok with my kids having their desert if they haven’t finished their main meal. I personally can get bored rather than full if a portion is too big. But sometimes my kids don’t even want a desert because it’s not seen as a big deal.

I recall not being allowed to go somewhere as I wouldn’t eat my tea. It was something I genuinely didn’t like. I tried it and didn’t. I was sent to my room and told it would be there for breakfast. It wasn’t and when we were older and left at the table to finish and told we couldn’t leave the table til we finished we would often sneak it into the bin to make sure it wasn’t offered for breakfast!! lol. I try not to make a massive deal out of food in general.

I do like my kids to try things. But as a fussy child myself (almost force fed school lunches by dinner ladies) I just keep re offering things. My youngest has gone from really picky, beige only foods, to making herself salads more recently.

The dentist told us instead of banning sweets that they should eat them with a meal if they were going to have them. So on occasions when sweets are about my kids sometimes have them as desert. Or after yoghurt.

It’s also true what they say about grandparents changing their tune from when they were parents. They give my kids alsorts I wasn’t allowed.

They thought as long as they were happy with their choices, that we should be too and that we had no right to be upset that they'd divorced because it was all about how they felt.

I would never make my kids feel as lonely as we were made to feel. I would never look at them, knowing that they were so sad, and get annoyed at them for it.

I won’t be tying my ideas of success to monetary gain. My DM did that and it has given me an enormous inferiority complex in spite of my being actually pretty successful.

Hitting, starving and neglecting.

@celticprincess oh I know about grandparents changing their tune… last week I picked up my kids and my mum was feeding them them sweets that were… blue. She would have never let me eat anything bright blue as a child. I don’t mind in the sense I don’t think a few gummy sharks will kill them, but I know if my nan got caught giving me or my siblings contraband like that she would have read her the riot act. I did eat the rest of them on the way home, once I was out of sight of course.

I absolutely love my parents and maybe the fact they were very young when they had me is a massive contributing factor but there is a lot of things I do differently to them:

1. I don't smoke - I had very severe asthma when I was younger but still have vivid memories of being inside houses and cars where there was smoking.

1. I would show my mum things I had done at school or things I was proud of and the only response I would ever get was a disingenuous 'very good'

1. I make sure that wherever possible I attend any school event or activity parents are invited to because I remember the absolutely heartbreaking moments when you look for a parent and they're not there.

1. As a teenager when you start thinking about what you want to do for work or in life in general I was always dissuaded from a lot of things because my dad would say things like 'you won't be able to do that it's a lot of hard work' or similar responses. I always make sure to tell my children if they're willing to put in the work on something they really want to do then they can achieve it.

These may seem like minor things and probably are to people that have had much worse childhoods than myself but for a child who was painfully shy and had very low confidence i certainly feel like it helped to hold me back and deterred me from doing things I really wanted to do.

My mum was the same and it took me a long time to make peace with food.
And it’s just a distant memory now.
But with the kids I taught them healthy eating and never forced them to sit at the table until they’d eaten everything’
All have a healthy relationship with food.

Stay in a marriage that’s dysfunctional, toxic and utterly miserable …

@Catsandcannedbeans you know, I’ve never actually asked.
I think I’ve mentioned it in conversation but she never answered or said anything and I’ve never asked specifically.

I was so conscious of what I did with my kids, still hate hearing eyes bigger than your belly and having to have a clean plate.
never pushed my kids to take part or do something they’re not comfortable with, I was such a shy self conscious child and hated being pushed to do stuff.

ive always got on with my dm, as i say brilliant grandparents. Couldn’t ask for more and they’re great parents now, dont know if it was just they were young and sign of the times 80’s

How many of you 80s kids got the ‘eat up your food, there’s kids starving in Africa’ comments when you wouldn’t eat your dinner!!

Don’t get me wrong. When my kids want want want and don’t get and then get upset I do tell them that they are lucky to have the things they have because some of the children they go to school with probably can’t afford all the nice things. Well, I used to in primary. Now they’re secondary they have made new friends with kids from the more well off side of town who do seem to have all the nice gear and money for going out. Whilst we aren’t poor and destitute I am a single parent family so them I do have to remind them that their friends have two parents with two incomes.

Yep, that video is etched in my mind forever… Can’t unsee it.

My Husband's estranged parents were pieces of crap to him, because he was born with congenital scoliosis and cross-eyes (the latter corrected by op). He had quite a few physical things that the doctors thought (at the time, 50 years ago), meant he had days to live. He went on to live a relatively normal life, mainly because of his Grandparents who loved/supported him for him. And told him he could do anything he wanted. His 'parents' did knock his confidence, though...I am forever telling him what a gorgeous, sexy person he is inside and out (which he is). But, when you have your own caregivers in your formative years reinforcing to you that your differences make you inferior to your peers, this also leaves you vulnerable to others exploiting you, such as employers, and others from wider society ect, because you feel inferior (I soon made him realise he most certainly isn't)...I had an awfully abusive childhood as well, went in care at 14, then through a succession of abusive foster homes, culminating in one that was 'pro-ana' and judgemental over any physical differences. Not good, as I am extremely short and have problems with weight gain, due to severe medical issues. He got me, too, and, of course, understood my low self-esteem. Adored me fat or slim. and my confidence increased exponentially. So we made a success out of our lives and have really happy, well-balanced children, as we observe others and reject the idiocy/cruel parenting methods that we were subjected to, and follow others that demonstrate decent ethical compasses that appeal to us, that we adjust to make our own. I can't imagine being capable of being so awful to anyone deliberately (especially a vulnerable child that is your own?), then physically look them in the eyes and see the pain and confusion that you'd caused.

Not make time for them and miss schooling events ‘because of work’

Take time off work when they are unwell. I wouldn’t just leave them at home alone

make them wear an old school jumper due to being too tight to buy a new one so had to either wear the old jumper or get one out of lose property. same with not buying new school uniform as and when needed so they wouldn’t have to walk around with trouser half way down their backside to hide the holes in their shoes

not give any lunch money so they either go without or go to a friends house and hope they’ll feed them

treat them so obviously different to their siblings, so much so you begrudge the sibling and don’t have any sort of relationship with them

Begrudge any a favour they ask me to do by reminding them of it at any given chance

Be funny with money towards them

Your children are not ‘due’ an inheritance. Bit entitled.

Some of the replies to this are very serious and rightly so but I have never taken my daughter on holiday to Wales to stay in a 1970s caravan. It always, always rained.

Why is there no shocked or gobsmacked react button?

Ooh, parents are getting a bashing!
Yes, I could add a few things, BUT I think they did their best at a time of great change (after the war years, through the swinging 60's, permissive 70's, jobless 80's, etc.)
Yes, also, re diet, every womens' magazine went on about diets constantly. Our mothers must have felt very attacked. Knickers soaking? What were they supposed to do? We didn't have auto washers then to throw things in 24/7! Dads weren't around because they worked hard, single wage then, most mums didn't work outside the home.
Obviously I'm not referring to some of the awful things people have posted about, but being made to eat your dinner up & wearing a too small jumper aren't life changing, in my opinion!

Oh so many! My mum has the following traits that I am working very hard not to emulate:

1. Complete over reaction to the slightest bit of mess. It put us on edge all the time. She was a SAHM all her life, was not very social and became really obsessed over the way her home looked.

1. Very low self esteem and running herself down constantly. I do have this too to an absurd level (for example, never being able to accept a compliment) but since having kids, I am trying to be more conscious of this and work on it.

1. Never praising her own kids but full of praise for other people (including other people's children!). It was incredibly damaging for us kids who tried to seek her approval all the time.

1. Never learning to do things for herself (including dealing with finances, driving etc)

This looks terrible but overall I know she loved us alot and cared for us all really well (in the physical sense). However, as I've got older I am very aware that some of her behaviours have had lasting consequences for me and my siblings.