Something your parents did that you will not be doing?

[Catsandcannedbeans]

What is something (habit or behaviour) that your parents did that you will not be doing? I’m not really talking about things that are obviously harmful like “I won’t smack my kids” but things that you didn’t notice at the time but that retroactively really damaged you?

My mum always used to say she was ugly and imply she was unattractive without make up on, and I know she didn’t do this to make me feel bad but it made me feel horrible. Everyone has always said we look alike, and when I look at photos of her at my age we really look very similar. So she would be saying all this and in my head I just felt like she was calling me ugly. She also had an insane fear of ageing and would say she looked “so old”. She objectively doesn’t, and even now she looks good for her age, but you can’t tell her that. My sister also feels it impacted her self esteem, but not as much because she looks more like my dad (who unironically believes he is the most handsome man to ever live). It has taken me a lot of time to get over, and to be honest now I do think I’ve always been relatively good looking apart from when I was a teen and insisted on cutting my own hair. I don’t hold it against my mum at all, she is a really good mum so I am very lucky and I know she wasn’t trying to upset me or give me a complex she just has low self esteem.

My DD looks a lot like me, it’s something that’s commented on all the time. Even when I feel like shit I always make sure to not comment on it in front of her. Also I try and accept compliments graciously because you cannot compliment my mother, to the point where it’s sometimes very frustrating.

I don’t really have one relating to my dad, because he is just objectively quite a bad parent and was irresponsible (and really fun to be around as a kid). The only thing is he definitely treated me and my sister differently from my brothers. He was much more patient with us, and we definitely were better behaved (my youngest two brothers were a constant riot) but I think that’s a chicken and egg situation. If he had been less strict with them and been a bit more compassionate I think they’d have been a bit better behaved. I also think that’s a product of the time though. We treat DD and DS the same, but I think the vast majority of people do now.

If you read the Relationships board on here unfortunately you’ll read post after post about women in these marriages.

Terribly sad thread overall, so humbling to read. 💐 for all of you who suffered abuse, humiliation and neglect in childhood.

Well probably should have been called womansnet but if it had, since the word ‘woman’ has been virtually cancelled over the last 15 years, just as well eh?

Talk about mine or someone else’s weight in a negative manner. I always remember my DM on a “diet” all the time, as an adult I’m like DM it obviously doesn’t work otherwise you wouldn’t need to do it all the time. As a teen if made me always on a “diet” which in reality only made me put weight on.

My dad was one of those parents who would insist you finished your meal or it was served at the next one and my mum would rather you leave food than leave her table hungry or gave big portions. This has led me to be a morbidly obese adult who has portion control issues and massively struggles with food waste. I’m trying to reverse this (lost 28kg this year but still struggling with wasting food).

I never made our kids finish food, at most it was half your plate, and they must have had some veg. But I allowed them to decide when they were full.

Neither of my parents were good parents, although somehow mum made 3 pretty good kids who are the complete opposite of her 😂

You’re so lovely. Thank you for commenting. And your empathy. I know that my Mother was stuck. Religion. Finances. Family expectations. Codependency at its worst. My siblings and I were loved but we were never the priority.

Whenever there was a disagreement, argument, things said (by her) that were not very nice, she would ignore me for days.

There was no apology … and I would be on eggshells waiting for the atmosphere to lift. We would walk past each other in the house in silence, no eye contact. Until SHE was ready to just brush it under the carpet and like nothing ever happened. I used to try and make conversation etc but it never happened and I’d get one word replies.

Now as an adult I’ve noticed I cannot stand silence after conflict and me and my partner have 2 very different styles of conflict management which we work on all the time.

He is the type to walk away cool down and come back (which is hindsight feels like what my mum did but I never knew for how long) and mine is nip it in the bud and hash it out there and then, I DESPISE the uncertainty and feeling of being in a limbo just talk to me about it and often get beside myself with crying and shouting usually ‘just talk to me stop leaving me on my own’ which isn’t healthy.

Only now as I am older I realise how much it has affected me.

When I was down or upset about something SHE thought was trivial and not important it always used to be ‘well there’s always someone worse off’ and said things she had been through that were worse … all I needed probably was a hug.

I love my mum and she has definitely got better as she got older. But teen years and young adult years were tough with her.

@CrazyAboutFurBabies
The argument thing is hard, I know it causes a lot of people issues. me and my DP had really issues with the argument thing in the beginning. I would always have to go off and calm down (used to storm off to get some cigs or storm outside and chain smoke 🤢) and he always wants to talk it through there and then. But when I’d come back from the shop he’d be really upset thinking I was going to leave him and I’d be chilled out and ready for a proper discussion. He thought I was doing it to terrorise him and I didn't understand why he was so upset because always thought it was normal.

My mum used to drive off for 20 mins whenever we got into a huge fight, and I remember the first time I sobbed and sobbed because I thought she had a left me forever. Came back 20 mins later and started making dinner but I was still snot crying into my fish fingers. Once I remembered how that felt I always made more of an effort to let him know I’m not leaving I just need a min. Also I never tell my kids “get out of my sight” no matter how mad I am, but my kids aren’t feral like we were.

My mum also got better as she got older and I think a lot of it was due to not being with my dad.

Treat my kids differently.
All pur life my Dm has treated my Dsis and I different to our brothers. They are always right, we aren't. They start a family argument, it's Dsis & mines, fault and we should apologise etc. Then wonders why we don't want a reunion 9 years down the line!

Also yes another with a mother who was on a constant diet, we were told we needed to lose weight, even at a size 10. I never mentioned diets around my kids when they were younger (now adults)

I guess feeding us rubbish food and choosing to send me to a terrible school would be my things I wanted to change. That said, I always felt loved and safe and I have (hopefully) been able to pass that on, so on balance I’m grateful for the parents I had.

I'm not a parent but if I were I would try not to traumatise them by shouting at them all the time in an unpredictable fashion

Go to South Africa on holiday.

Comparing them to other children, accusing them of being jealous all the time and telling them how they should feel about things and making them feel like a burden.

Agree! I have a terrible relationship with food and passed it on to my step children, I didn’t even know it was a problem as to me it was normal! But I’m not doing it to my grandchildren!

I came on here to say that I will be looking after my health better than my parents did so that my kids do not spend their adulthood worried about me and looking after me in sickness. Obviously bad luck befalls many people but so much is in our control and affects how well we age.

But… what happened in South Africa?

Being materialistic.
Being houseproud.
Putting material objects first.
spending fir today and not saving due tomorrow.
Staying together even though they argued constantly and appeared at times to really dislike each other.

Hitting. “A clip around the ear” wasn’t unusual in the sixties. “It never did me any harm” was the attitude. Maybe not for some- it was water off a duck’s back for my older sister, for example, but I was a more sensitive child and the memory of it still upsets me today. I grew up lacking in confidence and was determined that my own daughter should be brought up differently. As a result, she is confident, loving, sociable and successful and, most importantly, is not and never has been, afraid of me.

Told me not to hit back but to tell a teacher instead.If a child hurts my child he has full permission from me to defend himself.Bullies are more likely to leave well alone if they think they'll get the same back.
I was bullied at school and wish my parents had told me it was OK to hit back in self defense.

Wow 😢

I was forced to clear my plate even when full. As was my mother when she lived at home. I was then forced to diet from the age of 11 because I was in fact well developed and not fat yet. But my mother was fat and so she expected me to be the same and I remember the first time she made me take part in her dieting madness. Two boiled eggs in the morning. A bowl of iceberg for lunch. Two tinned hotdogs (nothing else!) for dinner. Lemon water all day. I was fuckin starving. And miserable.
And my weight has yo-yo’d ever since.

My son was allowed to finish when full. Has never been told no, was just taught about nutrition as we went shopping/cooked. We didn’t allow any negative/shaming talk around food when he was little. He is more self-limiting than most adults, really slim and active and makes good food choices at 12. It’s the one thing I know I did right as his mum. Broke the cycle.

I was also told, when I tried different hobbies to see what I’d really like to pursue (music most likely), that I never finished anything I started (who “finishes” a hobby?) and therefore I wouldn’t be allowed to take part in anything.
I was only in primary.
I think my mother just couldn’t be arsed.
I joined choirs in senior school and have sung in choirs even as an adult. Give a girl a chance.
I would never undermine my kid’s confidence like that.

I mentioned it before, there are loads of other examples, and no, I don’t talk to her. Haven’t in years.

ETA: Oh, and I don’t lie to my kids! My mother came home one parents evening and told me my English teacher had told her I was really slacking, lazy etc (straight A student) so I confronted the teacher and she told me that she didn’t say any of that to my mother at all.
I never told my mother I knew. As a result my son comes along to all teacher meetings!

I was coming on to say exactly this. Also have a 9 year old DD and it's something I'm very conscious of. I'm early 40's....I think it was a generational thing.

Finishing when full is another thing DS will always be allowed to do. I was made to eat everything especially when we’d gone out to eat as it was seen as a waste of money otherwise. I’d leave restaurants feeling sick and bloated. It took me until my 30s to train myself out of it and now I’ll happily leave an expensive steak unfinished if I’m done, I’d rather leave remembering the lovely satisfying meal.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, that’s horrible

Spending money on cigarettes when there was barely money for food or new clothes and the electricity meter was always running out. Oh and I developed asthma and always stank of smoke.
Too much emphasis on looks. Like it was an achievement to be pretty. The flip side, comments when I put on weight, I was "big". I ended up with an ED of course.
Always being told to stop crying or stop being oversensitive. I always tell my child they are allowed to feel upset and hold them and let them cry.
In thrall to men. Putting me in some very uncomfortable situations because their wants/needs trumped mine.

@Redro as soon as I found out I was pregnant I stopped smoking and we moved flat. I really didn’t want my kids to stink of smoke like I did, and I sure as shit didn’t want them to smoke!! Smelling of smoke was so embarrassing. Sometimes if we go away without them we do smoke, but only in jammies that we bin at the end of the holiday. Probs OTT but I don’t want my kids smelling it.

Blinkered focus and obsession with education to the detriment of developing life and social skills
(or identifying that I'm naturally deficient in these. and maybe needed some sort of guidance before being released into the world).

Mum was (still is) generally quite dogmatic in her belief systems and also naive to the wider world and it affected us siblings in different ways. I think she thought we naturally become adults at 18 and all that other stuff would fall into place.