Something your parents did that you will not be doing?

[Catsandcannedbeans]

What is something (habit or behaviour) that your parents did that you will not be doing? I’m not really talking about things that are obviously harmful like “I won’t smack my kids” but things that you didn’t notice at the time but that retroactively really damaged you?

My mum always used to say she was ugly and imply she was unattractive without make up on, and I know she didn’t do this to make me feel bad but it made me feel horrible. Everyone has always said we look alike, and when I look at photos of her at my age we really look very similar. So she would be saying all this and in my head I just felt like she was calling me ugly. She also had an insane fear of ageing and would say she looked “so old”. She objectively doesn’t, and even now she looks good for her age, but you can’t tell her that. My sister also feels it impacted her self esteem, but not as much because she looks more like my dad (who unironically believes he is the most handsome man to ever live). It has taken me a lot of time to get over, and to be honest now I do think I’ve always been relatively good looking apart from when I was a teen and insisted on cutting my own hair. I don’t hold it against my mum at all, she is a really good mum so I am very lucky and I know she wasn’t trying to upset me or give me a complex she just has low self esteem.

My DD looks a lot like me, it’s something that’s commented on all the time. Even when I feel like shit I always make sure to not comment on it in front of her. Also I try and accept compliments graciously because you cannot compliment my mother, to the point where it’s sometimes very frustrating.

I don’t really have one relating to my dad, because he is just objectively quite a bad parent and was irresponsible (and really fun to be around as a kid). The only thing is he definitely treated me and my sister differently from my brothers. He was much more patient with us, and we definitely were better behaved (my youngest two brothers were a constant riot) but I think that’s a chicken and egg situation. If he had been less strict with them and been a bit more compassionate I think they’d have been a bit better behaved. I also think that’s a product of the time though. We treat DD and DS the same, but I think the vast majority of people do now.

Because there are multiple threads and topics that have nothing to do with children, and even a 'Mumsnetters Without Children' topic.

Also, people without children are entitled to a view on child-related societal questions that affect all of us (and in some cases are funded by all of us) such as education, safeguarding, 'should children be allowed in pubs' etc.

This is such an interesting post and comes at a time when DH and I revisit lots of aspects of our childhoods and how we would like to do things differently to our parents. For me:
Being told ‘you’re silly’ or ‘don’t be stupid’ far too often when you’re trying to express you’re feelings.
handing me a booklet about periods one day rather than sitting down and explaining!
never engaging with me in activities like board games, reading together, playing outside. I was expected to entertain myself all the time whilst they just sat in front of the tv. I would never do that to my child
finally, live in an unhappy marriage that they both refuse to do anything about and it just gets worse as they get older

Being told “you almost killed me when you were born, I wish I’d never had you”

and “Ergh, you’re ugly”

I’m really close to my mum now, she said these when I was a hateful teenager but they still stick with me.

Boiling my knickers on the stove in the same pan I used for potatoes.

Reading back through this thread makes me feel sad that so many of us didn't get the childhood we deserved. Also makes me happy that so many made sure their own children's experiences were better and broke the cycle x

Being very judgemental about weight and appearance. I remember the phrase ‘she’s let herself go’ being banded about about friends and neighbours if they’d put on weight or been seen out without makeup. Always female though - I don’t remember any bloke’s appearance ever being criticised when I was growing up.

Also, my parents didn’t really socialise in the way me and DH do. They had a few friends but only ever saw them at planned events like weddings. There was no socialising really. I love my friends and love meeting up for meals or walks or to go shopping or just popping round.

Overfeed my kids

Never say I love them or hug them

My mum cared about her own clothes, diet, make up and appearance, but not mine. Never took me shopping or for haircuts. So I just had to figure it out myself with only J17 and More mag for advice! When she found those hidden in my room I was in huge trouble, so it was like I had to be isolated from everything. To this day I don’t know if it was control (she’s very narcissistic) or that she was trying to keep me young/innocent for as long as possible. I had to wear basic plain baggy joggers and tees that she had chosen, while all my friends had nice up to date jeans and tops. I know that’s the trend now but I definitely stood out back then! I endured very dark hairy legs and bushy brows til I was way into my early teens and made a few friends who were a year older and showed me how to shave and pluck. I couldn’t have anything a normal teen girl might have until I had a part time job and money to buy make up, tweezers etc, plus I also had terrible painful acne for years. I don’t know if medication for spots was available back in the late 90s and 00s, but I once had a course of antibiotics for something and they briefly cleared right up, so I’m sure medical stuff must have been an option. I was bullied and miserable and binge ate for years. She knew how much it all upset me but never tried to help me with any of it. She dieted constantly but I was never allowed to, even though I was clearly overweight and unhealthy. Now I have a daughter, if she shows interest in her diet, appearance, style or is worried about body hair, acne etc I will do my best to help her make informed choices and let her do what she needs to do to feel comfortable.

I agree, I think the positive here is we can all try to appreciate giving our kids a better up bringing! I read something a while ago that stuck with me, something along the lines of 'one day your kids will tell their story of growing up, make it a good one'

My DM used to frequently say to me when I was in my late teens "if you come home pregnant don't think I'll be raising the baby"

Wtf ?! I wasn't bringing boyfriends home, I went to an all girls school. I didn't really know why boys. She had no reason to think I'd be having a baby as a teenager or early twenties. It was such a weird thing to say and she obviously was sick of children.

I had children in my 30s and we live somewhere else and she wishes she saw her grandchildren more.

Why the vitriol re a request I was never going to make?

My DM would never take my side in an argument/conflict with friends or boyfriends it must always be my fault.

My DM became friends with the DM of my boyfriend, and after we split up she used to meet her and ex bf’s new girlfriend for coffee or lunch, great have fun but don’t came back and tell me how wonderful/gorgeous she is and how happy he is now

DM always apologising in advance for my behaviour when dropping me at a friends party

DM making comments to my adult friends along the lines of “I don’t know how you put up with her”

My Dsis does the same to me and wonders why I never spend time with her, and if I comment on it then I’m being too defensive 🤦‍♀️

My kids complain I stand up for them too much 😂

My Mum used to make me go round every member of the family at a family gathering and give everyone a kiss to say goodbye. I do NOT pass this on to my daughter. She has to kiss nobody unless she chooses to.

Oh god - you’ve just unearthed a memory I had buried very deep 😂

And leaving pants soaking in the bathroom sink in cold salt water for half a day so everyone could see them ☹️

That sounds horrific. I am absolutely terrified of the dentists because of my parents. Luckily I don’t really have any issues with my teeth now, but I always try and show no fear when I take my kids even tho I sweat at the thought of the dentist. Normally their dad takes them (he also has to accompany me which is so embarrassing but I’m way to scared to go myself) but the handful of times I’ve taken them I always try and be really positive. I guess it worked because they both love the dentists.

Honestly my mum still brings up her horrific labour when I was born and it honestly almost put me off having kids. She had me at 40 tho and I had DD at 21 so I definitely think that helped a lot. The only benefit to her telling me how horrific hers was is that I was prepared to be there for 24 hours plus, and when I was done in 6 I was so relieved. Now I know more I realise she had bad care and a lot of complications so I feel very angry for her.

Thanks for your responses I’ve really enjoyed reading them even tho some made me a bit sad.
I’ve thought of another one my mum did that actually is very benign but annoys me. She used to tell me I “didn’t like” certain foods she either didn’t like herself or didn’t want to cook! I didn’t know I liked fish till I was 17, now I love all sea food! She robbed me of 17 years of shellfish, fish and chips, prawns, and tuna jacket potatoes! Marrying my irresponsible and sometimes drunk farther I forgive but I don’t know if I will ever let that one go.

Pretend mental health issues aren’t happening/ sweep things under the carpet.

Be pragmatic about needing care in old age

Advising me to ignore bullies - “they’ll lose interest” - no they won’t, they’ll keep going until they get a reaction.

Being utterly prudish about sex and regarding sex before marriage as absolutely disastrous. The phrase “no man wants secondhand goods” was said numerous times.

This was an eye opener when I’ve sat and actually thought were they good parents on the whole, they were in that we had no money but we didn’t go without the main things like food, holidays were camping and great fun, second hand clothes and my dm attended all sports days, school events and parents evenings
I don’t recall playing much with my parents and my dad could be a right arse, as an older teen I was still in for 9 even if it meant coming home alone, everything was someone’s fault if he couldn’t find something or something broke you did it deliberately
I have a very good relationship with them since I moved out early twenties and they were brilliant grandparents, dd mellowed lots

but the standout issue for me was I had to go to court twice as a young teen first I was attacked and robbed - the police were brilliant took me to court and out for coffee after parents nowhere to be seen, hard as we were intimidated by the defendants family.
second time I was witness to an awful bar fight and I got a lot of heat from the friends of the aggressors again I went to court with my friends parents, mine never mentioned it

when I was held up with a knife on a tube I didn’t even tell them there was no point.

@CeliaCanth I got the opposite advice for bullies, my dad told me to hit the girl who bullied me back and I did, at full force, in the face… she did stop bullying me I guess, but my parents did get called into school. I honestly don’t know what the right advice is when it comes to bullying, but the whole “ignore them” thing never seemed to work either. Don’t think I’ll be telling mine to batter them back tho, despite the fact it did feel good.

@Hecksonaplane wow that’s awful! I’ve been to court when I was 19 and had to get my dad to go with me because I was scared of the aggressor (when I worked in a pub). It’s good the police were nice to you because that’s a bit hit and miss. Did you ever ask your parents why they didn’t go?

@Catsandcannedbeans talk about from one extreme to the other😀

My mum always expected me to be an adoring audience for all her stories but never cared about any of mine. Everything was always about how amazing she was and my only role was to listen and clap and do housework.
When I got my own kid I was surprised to find how I was automatically interested in everything they got up to and I loved hearing their stories. It made me realize that parents should back out of the limelight and let their kids learn to shine.

Drink heavily.

I strive to ensure I will never ever be like my mother , she manages to make me feel absolute shit all the time . I do everything for her , she’s rude , ungrateful, petty , mean and doesn’t give a flying fuck about anyone. Criticises everyone no matter how well they are doing. No one loves her, does anything , blah blah blah. I will be there out of duty but not love . ( and no she isn’t suffering from any illness to excuse her behaviour )

what I have learnt is that I give my own children everything support wise , no demands , no expectations of anything , be proud of all things and allow them to room to grow and be happy. And safe in that knowledge I know they are happy to be around me and love me and actually like me .

I agree, we all deserved better. Hopefully, we’ve all taken the lessons we learned and do better than our parents.

My parents were both self centred. My dad was largely absent and made little to no effort to know what was going on in my life even as a little girl I couldn’t get his attention. He massively favoured my brother.
My mother made me complicit in her affair through my teens. Then aggressively refused to acknowledge the impact it had on me when it came to a head at age 15. She is dominating and jealous and critical of anyone me or my brother are close to, including partners. There was no affection in our house.
I don’t have children, I never had the urge but also didn’t want to risk being a bad parent like mine were. I met my fiancé after menopause but it’s taken me decades, counselling and 15 years of no contact to get to where I am now. I am nothing like her.