What would you think if your mum never calls you or visits?

[Yellowrosesin]

Like what wouldn’t think or how would you react?

i guess, I react by just seeing much less of her

Live less than half an hour away and she has a car and can drive

My mum has always been like this. Has something changed for your mum or has she always been like this? To be honest it has been heartbreaking not having a mum who cares or wants a close relationship. My mum is in her later years and not well so not sure how much longer she has left but there won't be a massive loss for me when she passes because I've never seen very much of her.

Is it normal behaviour or a sudden change?

My mum is like this and always has been. It has been incredibly upsetting in the past but it’s the way she was brought up too so as I’ve got older I feel sorry for her really - it’s not much of a relationship and certainly not with her grandchildren. I go and see her once every 2-3 months now and am broadly over any upset I used to feel.

I think ideally whilst I'd be really upset I'd try to accept the relationship for what it is and try to cultivate more fulfilling relationships elsewhere.

In general I've become very cynical about relationships with people who don't interact with you for more than a year or so. I don't see what purpose they serve.

I think my children would assume something was wrong if I phoned them , they hardly ever make or receive phone calls with anyone . It’s also a balancing act in terms of visiting , because they have their own lives and partners and I’m very aware of interrupting the precious time off work that they have together.
However I do message them every week , and try to make sure we see each other once a month as bare minimums . I love them both to pieces , but it is hard to know how much to contact them , I guess my point being does your Mum hold back because she doesn’t want to intrude too much and is waiting for you to issue invites or get in touch ?
I happen to be seeing my daughter for example about 6 times this month , but sometimes time just flys by , and then I will deliberately arrange something just because I haven’t seen her . If you want more contact with your Mum do let her know though , because contact works both ways .

always Been like this, she expects me to contact her
guess I just feel like stepping away alot now as, kinda did the let’s see how long it takes for her to contact me thing and she just doesn’t
but will also act entitled if she hears or finds out I’ve done something like say go somewhere inhale that I’ve not told her about

it’s like she feel entitled to know of I’m saying going somewhere unusual
yet she expects me to do all the running….

she will feel put out that she’s not informed

Also just to be clear this also includes messages
she will never message either

My mum was the same. She also lived half an hour away and drove. She only visited once after I had my first child. I didn't think anything of it or react. It was just her way. If I phoned home, it was always my dad I spoke to. She never ever phoned me.

I find that really really sad and odd. I have an awful relationship with my mother but if she behaved like that I would have cut her out of my life a long time ago.

I have the same as you. Was your mum always like this and do you know where it stemmed from? My mum was damaged by childhood abuse and abandonment by her mother and I genuinely think she can't love women because of it. She loves my brother and my son her grandson in her way. It's very sad.

I didn't have an awful relationship with her - she just wasn't a chatty, maternal person. We got on fine. If I'd 'cut her off', how would that have improved things?

Mine is exactly the same, other than ill health means she can’t come to me (we’re 2 hours apart). She never, ever invites me over. I have to ask to visit or video call.

I started an experiment as my new year resolution - to wait for her to proactively suggest seeing me, rather than me suggesting it. Still waiting…. Haven’t seen her or my stepfather for 4 months.

Mine also has a completely different relationship with my brother, where they’re in daily text contact.

Yes : my mum's mum was a very cold, angry woman. My mum did say (very late in life) that she was sorry she hadn't been very motherly towards me, but that she didn't know how. I worried how I'd cope with a daughter and was glad to have only sons.

Is there a history of trauma for your mum or do you wonder about neurodiversity in your mum OP? Not saying this to dismiss how it is painful for you at all, but there could be non intentional reasons for this which don’t mean that your mum doesn’t care for you or is trying to be hurtful to you at all.

Don't persist with your experiment. You can't gain anything by it. It may be that she just doesn't notice how much time has passed or maybe doesn't want to impose on you. (I'm a bit like that and have to fight against it. I have one friend who knows exactly when I last rang and sometimes it's much much longer ago than I imagined.)

Mine doesn’t visit and hasn’t called me for at least 15 years. Refuses to travel to see me and DD as it’s ’too far’ (3 hr train which they could do in 1st class and we’d collect them at the station) but she’ll happily travel the same distance to visit an acquaintance she barely knows. Like a PP, she didn’t have a great childhood which means she’s very selfish and just not very good at being a mum, which I’ve accepted and no longer put myself out to meet her demands anymore. My dad backs her up 100% in an ‘us vs them’ type of way which used to be quite hurtful as I was never on the ‘us’ side but I just don’t have much patience for either of them anymore.

completely agree with you @Theraffarian

Their lives are sooo busy and their down-time is precious.

I just do not want to seem needy (although I would absolutely LOVE to see more of them) cos they're pure, dead, brilliant 😍

Should I be contacting them more though? It is a fine balancing act, I think.

She was very abusive towards me as a child and can still have a few jabs at me even now as an adult

so I know I just have to accept this is never going to change and it’s just how she is

i dont really understand why even in my 40s it still can bother me

i need it learn and read up on how to just let go, i guess

That's so sad. However I have a daughter and a son and I can confirm it is just as easy to love my daughter as it is to love my son. I feel there is a void in my mother and a nothingness where love could have been. It is destabilising having a mother like that but now in my 40s I have gone on to have a life of my own. Has affected my confidence with people I think though.

I think this will always affect us to be honest. You can make a life around it of your own but neglect and avoidance by your own mother is heartbreaking. Sorry op.

@LillyPJ, thank you for your kind response.

However, I’ve had 50 years of screwed up family dynamic, and trying to be the dutiful daughter, and I’m done. My parents continue to accept the money I send them each month, so it’s not like I’m invisible to them.

As for not wanting to impose, she manages to stay in contact with my brother and his family, so why not me and mine?

My life is incredibly busy, working FT in a big job and being a single parent to three teens. I’m done making the effort when she and my stepfather do literally nothing all day.

this is interesting to me as when I found out I was pregnant with a dd I was so worried
after a lifetime of being told how girls/women are horrible…. But I’m al glad I had my dd, who I get along amazing with
she really helped me see life so differently
I think if I had only boys perhaps I would still fear women

@ChaChaChaChanges It sounds Iike you're a good person who's done everything you can. So I agree it's time for you to step back and focus on your own life and family. Hope it all goes well.