What would you think if your mum never calls you or visits?

[Yellowrosesin]

Like what wouldn’t think or how would you react?

i guess, I react by just seeing much less of her

Just wondering why you send them money?

My mother was like this. She told me she 'didn't do home visits', visited her cronies though. When I tried to reset the boundaries with her later in life she told me 'children should come to the grandmother', although she barely went near her own mother.

She's currently widowed and none of her children want to know. I think it's a hierarchy thing, I'm more important than you and you should call on ME. Ridiculous!

Similar to poster.. I was eldest of 4 and was never favourite, more tolerated I think. Mum died 4? Years ago and I do miss her but she was not affectionate and very quick to judge/ criticise… my sister who was one of favourites struggles much more than I do with her passing.
i try very hard to be open and honest with my kids, and hound them daily for contact; even if it’s a quick “ how’s things”
never want them to feel like I do/ did x

Phone call once a week , odd text and send picture and things they’d find funny

meet up every school holiday , nit sure who initiates contact think it’s 50 / 50

Mine has the daughter she needs in my sister. My parents used to drive past my house to get to hers and would never call in on me. When DH was sick (terminally ill) she refused to come to our wedding, when he became palliative she told me how I was doing it wrong, when he died she refused to come to his funeral and that was the final straw for me, she hadn't once been there for me when DH was sick, would visit my sister and ignore me. I had all of DH's family there but not my own mum. She never calls and rarely texts, it all comes from me and I do it out of a sense of some kind of duty. I don't visit her at all.

I have a similar experience, my mother lives 10 mins away, never visits, has no interest in me or my children. Is offended if I don’t tell her stuff that’s going on but never engages with me or gives me important family news. Ignores my messages, doesn’t call etc.

I’m sorry you have a similar experience, it’s awful, having your mother not care about you, it cuts in a way that only people who experience it can understand.

This could be my mother in law. She has an amazing son and grandchild aged 10 that she doesn't see. We visited lots and lots 1.5 hours away prior to our son being born but we couldn't constantly be the ones to make all the effort. Despite her having no disabilities or issues, she just can't be arsed.

I don't have a mother in law, my husband doesn't have a mum and my son has no idea who grandma is. So sad. She retired 10 years ago, is 71 and does sweet fuck all. She didn't even call my husband when he recently had an operation. Scum. Luckily my family can rely on my parents to be amazing support (my husband calls both my parents for advice and support) and present and interested grandparents. I'll never understand it and could never be that way. My son will have me in his life.

Yes I was wondering too.

@Pomegranatecarnage and @Lazycatsitsonthemat.

Because they’ve screwed up their finances and can’t make ends meet without it. I earn more than my brother and stepsiblings. If I don’t send money then no-one else will.

Think you're actually right with the hierarchy theory

That I was off the hook.... thank goodness 😂

I would think she was not interested or playing games (unless its very sudden ir different behaviour and she could be ill or have dementia). I would try to match her efforts if she doesn’t bother I would also bother much less.

My mum is exactly the same as this. I stepped back awhile ago as she was game playing, playing us off against one another and prioritising one family member very blatantly above all others. It was bad enough her doing this to me but not to my kids.

I now see her when it is convenient, I try not to feel guilty, I only tell her what I want her to know and I think before I offer something and remember all the past hurts and how she has twisted my trying to do a nice thing or a genuine offer and thrown it right back at me, messing me about and or saying she will let me know etc. I used to end up feeling hurt sad and worthless (it took my until me fifties to learn and finally wise up).

My mum is like this. However she is permanently attached to my sister. I just leave them to it. I’m not begging for anybody’s love.

Leave them to it. It’s not your job to support them.

Have to admit, that made me laugh. Though I'm sorry for the lack of kind, consistent mothering.

I accept that my mum has limits. For me, my focus is my relationship with my DC. The past is done.

My mum was like this. I once made a decision to see how long it would be before she made first contact. Almost a year it turns out. She died last year. Sadly, I don’t think I miss her as much as I should and that seriously pains me each day, a guilt I will always carry. On reflection, she was a narcissist and we had a very dysfunctional relationship.

I don't think it's right to tell others how to deal with family situations like this.

Ok. You're entitled to your thoughts.

I hope you don't mind me asking but how was the grieving process? My mother does not have long left and I'm not sure how it is going to feel. Did you swing between sadness and relief or numbness? Or a complex mixture or it all?

Numb now a good word for it. We went from diagnosis to end stage cancer in 4 months so there was an element of chaos in it all too (too busy to really process what was going on). When I look back, I fell into ‘process’ mode, dealing with the practicalities whereas my sister was very much falling apart emotionally. We always said we had a different mum growing up.

Her passive approach continued after death in some aspects. She wrote her own eulogy, mentioned friends she had met recently, her neighbours, but not her daughters or grandkids. She bought gifts for a few people too to be given after she died. Daughters did get something but it was on a par with gifts she bought the random people who flitted into her life too. We felt then the ‘value’ she placed on us.

when my dad died, it hit me hard a few months later and took me a long time to come to terms with. I’m not sure this will happen with mum (hasn’t yet and it’s been just over a year).

Thanks for replying. Sounds tough tbh. Hope you can fund some peace now. I'm not looking forward to the funeral it will be a big family event and people will be looking to me / at me for a reaction and I know it will be a sort of numb reaction rather than desperately sad. At the same time it's your mum so you will feel sad on some level. Just wish she had cared enough to want to be close.

Very sorry that is not ok at all obviously
It’s very hard to have a hurtful mother and you do have to mourn the mum that you would have ideally liked to have had.
Helps if you can make your adult life as supportive as possible for yourself now and talk to people about how you’re feeling. Others do and will care for you, luckily your mum isn’t everyone. Your mum clearly had her own problems, but you are you, not her, try to hold on to that. And try not to carry her problems emotionally for her yourself as well. Easier said than done, I know. It’s very hard.

Thank you.

I'd got used to it by then and I just felt nothing when she died.

I was going to say maybe she just doesn't want to intrude but I can see from your posts that there's more to it than that.