What would you think if your mum never calls you or visits?

[Yellowrosesin]

Like what wouldn’t think or how would you react?

i guess, I react by just seeing much less of her

My MIL very rarely contacts my husband. When we first got together I used to prompt him to phone her or visit. I stopped after a few years because it was always one sided. It didn't change when we had our daughter. It has amazed me that she expects the grandchildren to fawn all over her when she puts no effort into the relationship. Except her daughters children they are of course treated differently 🙄

It suprises me how many people are in the same boat, but then when you think about how many horrible people there are in the world, hardly suprising a lot of them are parents

These posts resonate so much! I have 4 half siblings, I grew up being led to believe their dad was also mine. He was incredibly emotionally, mentally and physically abusive towards only me (and my mother) and I could never understand why it was only me. Until one day at the age of about 12/13 I was looking for something and happened upon my birth certificate which had a different surname and birth fathers name on it. It was years before I found the courage to approach my mother with this information, she confirmed that I had a different father. Many years later I tracked my birth fathers family down, they're lovely.

My relationship with my mother was never amazing (since come to realise during counselling they she was also incredibly emotionally and physically abusive to me too) but it worsened after I'd tracked down my birth fathers family.

I rarely hear from her, she never rings, I gave up ringing years ago as my phone conversations were always about how my half siblings are, she was never interested in me. I used to go visit frequently (an almost 4 hr round trip or overnight stay) buy it got harder when I had my 2nd child as she didn't have enough room, I can't afford hotels, and both children are terribly car sick. So we stopped visiting, she's been over a handful of times since, it's now been several years since we last saw her, my youngest doesn't really even know who she is. It hurts to know she visits my half siblings frequently but can't make the same effort for me.

I've come to accept (with the help of counselling) that she's never going to be the mother I want and need. I'll never, ever forgive her for treating me the way she has, and never forget her telling me that she wishes I'd never been born and I ruined her life. 😪

Luckily, my MIL is amazing and everything I needed in a Mum. 🥰

My mum also expected me to do all the contacting, so much so I did point out once that her phone line worked both ways! When the kids were small I was run ragged, working including night shits, weekends and I came to feel dread at having to make the duty phone call twice a week. She would just tell me long winded tales about people I had never met and would show no interest in us or the kids.

Weird thing she had a really close relationship with her mum, dad and brother so not sure what was behind it as I was her only child.

My “D”M is like this too. If I do phone her or call in she tells me long stories about people I’ve never met but never asks anything about me or my family.

One DC has recently had a big birthday. She’s complained that she feels left out but has never phoned or messaged me or her DGC to see what they were doing or wish them Happy Birthday. Just bizarre.

I’m actually a bit annoyed at myself giving this headspace

im so sorry, northward triggering for you or anyone else

It's to be expected op. It's tough not having a close relationship with our mothers from a psychological standpoint it affects our sense of self and self esteem a great deal. I can't imagine not wanting to be close to my daughter and son. I want to always be close to them and they know I will always go out of my way to do that. If your mum cannot be there for you then realistically who can you expect to be there for you? So yep it's difficult and can take up a lot of headspace don't beat yourself up. I have times where j ruminate on it and can feel sad and lonely but I try to put that energy into my kids instead to break the cycle.

Thanks yes what your saying makes total sense to me
alot of the time I don’t think about it
but every now and then it can get in my head
maybe that’s just me accepting it more and more over time

Do you actually ask her over? For lunch or whatever?

I have to say mil's relationship with my DC improved when the kids were old enough for smart phones. The teens and nana have their own relationship which doesn't involve parents which is nice.

We have also had the calls where nana has given us chapter and verse on the other GC and as soon as we've said anything about ours, has said " that's nice dear, got to go'... And hung up.

Obvs she did child care for the other GC and had them to stay but when we've asked for help it's been declined.

Why do you feel the need to visit her OP? Is it "duty" or are you still hoping for a relationship? In your shoes I would back off and have minimal contact. As she was abusive to you when you were growing up, maybe tell her that that is the reason you want to see her less, then at least she will have to face up to what she has done in the past. (Though tbh she probably won't). Do you feel as though you are flogging a dead horse? Does each visit or contact leave you stressed out? Please look after yourself, psychologically as well as every other way. 💐

This is exactly why I used to keep up contact, a sense of duty because she's my mother. I've since realised that there's zero loyalty from her side, so why do I feel like I should give her my time! I'm now very minimal contact.

I'd wonder if she was ok and pop in and visit or harangue her to meet.

My mum is like this, she does have health problems and I suspect an undiagnosed mental health disorder. She was very emotionally abusive growing up and I do forgive her as as I get older I can see there was clearly undiagnosed trauma type disorder but unfortunately the big damage has been done and very hard to repair. Really sad as it also caused me and my sisters to have fractured relationships. Sorry op it’s hard isn’t it

Do you want to talk and visit more or do you just feel like you 'should'?

I phone my parents once a week, they never phone me. Visiting takes place a few times a year, always me even though its just a half hour car trip for them and an hr train ride and 40 minute walk for me. In fact my mother often tries to put me off visiting!
It doesnt really bother me though. We arent estranged and get on really well. Its just that none of us are particularly sociable and dont feel the need to constantly be in each others lives.
So you can have perfectly amicable relationships with parents that just arent close ones.

I think honestly for me the lack of actual effort or emotional effort has been so shockingly lacking I accepted a long time ago I didn't have a relationship with my mother and I never would. To think I lived in London in my twenties and she only came to visit me once - I was there 10 years and it was just over an hour away - and with my kids who she does seem to love more than me there is a reluctance to come this way to see us. I know with a different mother (not genetically possible but you know what I mean) / wife my dad would have done so much more. Now mum is quite frail and old I don't see her because the dynamic is still the same. Sometimes now she will say she misses me?? Which sounds strange. I think that's a looking back on her life thing and missing a relationship we haven't had??

Mine lives 10 mins away and I could count on one hand the amount times she's made the effort to visit us. She doesn't call or message either but I do pop and see her a couple of times a week so there's no need. The lack of visiting doesn't bother me that much but since my kids got older and don't want to go over they've basically got no relationship at all. In fact they don't have much of a relationship with any of the GPs because they rarely see any of them and the GPs make no effort to stay in touch with them which I think is so sad.

My relationship is the same with my mum. I always go there, she doesn’t visit or see her grandchildren. 1/2 hour drive away - she doesn’t work.
My autistic son hates her new place so I can’t take the kids down there anymore 🤷🏼‍♀️

My mum never visits any of us really. Except for my sibling that has her favourite grandchild.

Oh I've told her how herabuse effected my growing up and she just denies it, oh that didn't happen, then acts offended and says we'll hope you're perfect mother the etc

Pure darvo

Learnt about dario on here and it was amazing to me how that summed it up spot on

I just need to go super low low contact

My mother turned against me when I was 11, I left home at 18, best thing ever, no contact 40 years later

My mother only contacts me when there is some drama she can tell me. For example during lockdown she wasn't interested in how we were, especially the teenagers. She just wanted to know if we knew people who'd died. Drama.

She used to visit more when the children were little but she's lost interest. We can't visit her because she lives in a small house and the only spare room is her step-granddaughter's. Her mother never took an interest in us, really. She's taken after her.

I just shrug. I have some happy memories of being a little girl but there's not been much going on since then, and it was a long time ago.

When mine had trouble reaching me 15 years ago (at the time I often worked evenings), she told me she’d never phone again. She hasn’t. I phone about once a week. But it’s affected the relationship.

I do suspect neurodiversity - in both of us.

It sounds like you’re being stubborn. You both sound ridiculous if I’m honest.

If you want a relationship with your mom, suck it up and arrange for a monthly brunch together. A coffee morning occasionally.

We really don’t have long on this earth. Stop being petty.