How lenient to be about behaviour of a teen revising for GCSEs

[Chocguzel]

How forgiving are you of behaviour when your teen is working hard and stressed by exams?

My 16 year old is studying hard - 6 hours every day of the holidays. Clearly they are stressed and not having a lot of fun although they are meeting friends about every third evening so it’s not like they are having no fun.

At home they are argumentative about everything which isn’t like them. They literally shout about everything and take contrary positions on even simple conversations like what to have for dinner or watch on tv. They constantly pick fights with their siblings which is slightly more like them but is driving me crazy. When asked to help with the tiniest task, like stacking the dishwasher after a meal, they say “I’m bloody revising” and stomp upstairs. Everyday they run up debt to us by buying snacks, meeting friends to study in coffee shops etc, and if we threaten to stop covering the costs they cry and shout that they are revising and we should be supportive.

Ops on how lenient to be about abrasive behaviour right now? If it wasn’t GCSEs I would be pretty furious about this behaviour.

However, the head was also explicitly clear with parents that they should not be doing chores and he would and did phone home to emphasise this where necessary.

How does that work in practice? Is the head asking all the pupils if they are doing chores and then phoning the parents and telling them not to ask their children to do chores? What defines chores? Keeping their room tidy? Replacing the toilet roll? Is it a very high achieving school or a struggling one?

You can easily spend £15 each time.

@rosemarble

It was a high achieving school.

The head made clear to all parents that DC shouldn't be asked to perform chores before or during the GCSE period.

He told students whose parents ignored this instruction to tell him. He would then phone these parents and basically give them a bollocking to ensure it stopped immediately to allow DC to focus on studying.

You could well be right. I just wondered with the grumpiness …

He's a prat. Of course they should be doing every day tasks... Doing the dishwasher takes 10 minutes, it's not as if the child is being asked to build an extension or something...

The child studying 6 hours a day has time to do basic household tasks.

@TropicofCapricorn

So effectively £150 over the Easter holidays presuming he is spending that every day?

Hardly worth getting annoyed about in the grand scheme of things unless there are real financial difficulties.

That wouldn't cover a few days' fees at most private schools.

@TropicofCapricorn

Any parent making an issue of stacking a dishwasher during the GCSE period (provided a DC is studying hard) deserves to be told where to stick their dishwasher in my view.

I should probably start my own thread, but has anyone had any luck getting a child with ADHD to do anything at all yet?
things that make zero difference to how much she’ll study…

1. rewards- she’ll take them if available but it won’t make any difference to studying. Even if something massive -say a car - she might sit at a desk but her brain wont take anything in
2. asking nicely (will result in less)
3. asking not nicely (will result in less)
4. offering to help plan (no thanks she said)

are we just stuck waiting to the last possible moment (and no where near enough time to get through the whole content) for the ‘urgency’ dopamine hit?

and - if they’ll get 7s with no study, but capable of 9s if they did, would you just chill?

I think the biggest issue here is that they’re doing far too much revision. 6 hours is excessive. And it’s unlikely that their friends are putting in so many hours. I know my son and his peers aren’t and he’s top set in every subject.
Id be encouraging some balance to reduce to feelings of overwhelm and stress, plenty of outdoor active time and time spent with friends. You’ll likely find that the behaviour improves on its own.
Re the behaviour itself. I’d still be enforcing consequences for poor behaviour, you can be empathetic to the motivation behind the behaviour while still making it clear it’s unacceptable to treat you that way.

Interesting. I don't think that would fly at my son's school.
It creates a situation where the teenager has one over on their parents - "if you ask me to run the hoover round I'll dob you in to sir".
I suppose if the parents have agreed then it's fine.
Does it work? Do the students all focus on studying while not lifting a finger around the home for 3 months?

@arethereanyleftatall

I wouldn't be chilling as I think all DC should be working as hard as possible to get the best grades they're capable of.

If she won't study under her own devices, I'd be making a timetable for her and telling her that's what she is now following. No privileges (screens, going out, money) if she won't follow it.

@BelfastBard

On no planet is 6 hours excessive for the Easter before GCSEs. Parents are doing a huge disservice to their DCs with this nonsense that a few hours of revision is harmful.

Clearly this level of work is not possible over a full year, but it's absolutely beneficial in the GCSE period. They then have months off to chill in the summer.

There is a reason why white British DC are outperformed by other ethnic groups. Some of the measures employed in these cultures are excessive, but 6 hours revision is perfectly possible and reasonable.

In those circumstances yes, I’d just chill!

Certainly wouldn’t be buying a car!

I think for some students gcses just aren’t a good fit. They require juggling a lot of relatively shallow snapshots across a non-specialised range of subjects. That necessarily caters to rote learning more than a deep understanding. As a op noted upthread, many gcse high-flyers hit problems later on as the focus and skills change. It sounds like it’s just wrong for your Dc - and 7are more than respectable in those circumstances.

I just find the babying astounding.

@SeaSwim5 ,

Of course teens can do some light chores while studying for GCSEs. The head who said they shouldn’t sounds bonkers.

Adults work a lot more than even 6 hours per day and still have to manage their houses.

The more life is normal around revision, the less stressful it is. That includes normal expectations. We are talking table laying, loading dishwashers etc, not ‘Cinderella’ work; it is a few minutes worth.

I sometimes think GCSEs are fetishised by some pupils and, for some ‘high performing’ schools, they care more about the school results than the pupils’ welfare.

If you start early and work smart and organised, you can achieve really well with 4.5 hours x 6 days a week (in hols and study leave). What really well means will depend on the individual, but if you are a straight 9 pupil, that amount of work will allow you to achieve it.

@rosemarble

Yes, the school got excellent results and DC went on to great unis/other pathways.

I'm sure they were then able to do their own chores without having had to slave over a dishwasher during GCSEs.

A 16 year old has PLENTY of time to contribute to the household with this simple task.

Revision is important, but so is remembering that there's a balance.

Studying doesn't absolve you of your obligations, nor is emptying a dishwasher an onerous task for them.

If the parents were expecting them to... Make all bed, do their laundry, get the weekly shop in, mop the floors, clean the bathroom and make dinner ... Then fair enough. But honestly this child has ore time than during term time, and the adults around them should be reminding this child that exam prep, whilst important,is not the best all and end all.

No wonder kids suffer from exam stress and anxiety when we're sitting there saying "CANCEL EVERYTHING AND STUDY".

@Newbutoldfather

4.5 hours is not enough for the few weeks before GCSEs.

There is no fetishisation of GCSEs. The fact is that for this 2/3 month period, DC should be focusing on their revision and relaxation.

They have a whole summer ahead to scrub the kitchen or whatever else parents expect.

Slave over a dishwasher 🤣🤣🤣 5-10 minutes of putting plates in a cupboard... 🤣🤣🤣😂

@TropicofCapricorn

They shouldn't have more free time than during term time if they are working as hard as possible towards their exams.

As I say, DC doing two hours a day should be doing chores as usual.

DC should have very limited free time during GCSEs and this should be spent on relaxing/exercise.

Isn't it odd how people manage to hold down a full time job, do a degree, run a house and raise kids (that was me btw), still got a 1st Class degree... .but a poor ickle bubby 16 year old who has 10+ free hours each day can't possibly be expected to empty a dishwasher...

It’s not a big job @TropicofCapricorn but I think that’s why some can’t see the point of battling over it if, as in ops case, it has become a heated issue.

What I’m wondering about is WHY it has become one.

@TropicofCapricorn

Yes, the famous "I had it hard, so so should everyone else" argument.

Frankly I want my DC to have a better life than I did, not make them suffer.

I’d imagine because it’s an easy task that spoilt children think they don’t need to do.

@AeroMeChocChocIt was in 2011. Not that long ago though, admittedly pre-update. Big standard comprehensive and I did triple science myself. They just spent a couple of years ramming as many GCSEs on us as possible and then they stopped again after me. They also made me do A Level maths in Yr11 instead of GCSE.