How lenient to be about behaviour of a teen revising for GCSEs

[Chocguzel]

How forgiving are you of behaviour when your teen is working hard and stressed by exams?

My 16 year old is studying hard - 6 hours every day of the holidays. Clearly they are stressed and not having a lot of fun although they are meeting friends about every third evening so it’s not like they are having no fun.

At home they are argumentative about everything which isn’t like them. They literally shout about everything and take contrary positions on even simple conversations like what to have for dinner or watch on tv. They constantly pick fights with their siblings which is slightly more like them but is driving me crazy. When asked to help with the tiniest task, like stacking the dishwasher after a meal, they say “I’m bloody revising” and stomp upstairs. Everyday they run up debt to us by buying snacks, meeting friends to study in coffee shops etc, and if we threaten to stop covering the costs they cry and shout that they are revising and we should be supportive.

Ops on how lenient to be about abrasive behaviour right now? If it wasn’t GCSEs I would be pretty furious about this behaviour.

Breaks are important, but so is what they're actively doing for the time spent revising. It should be short bursts, breaking different information up and ensuring it's going in and checking it's being remembered and used, not rereading their notes or watching videos endlessly.

They're quite used to a whole day of lessons, with 10 minutes recapping one thing, a couple of minutes recalling vocab, 15 minutes organising and ordering information, reading a text, short answer questions, longer answer questions following a structure ... They should by now have flashcards made and and be using them. Something like a revision clock template and a timer can structure twelve five minute chunks an hour and cover lots of linked ideas. It's a bit dismissive to say that kids and most adults don't focus all day normally - it's totally expected in school.

who is staffing the school during these study slots? Teachers? Are they being paid?

Really? I disagree. It is not that long since I did my exams, up to and including post grad. Work is way harder and requires much more focus than revision I would say. You have other people relying on you, you are under pressure to keep your job to pay for your life, you have a boss to report to, you can't take breaks as and when you want or usually pick the exact hours to suit you.....

Because the limited time not revising that they should have (as in my view this 2 hours a day nonsense being spouted is totally insufficient) would be far better spend relaxing, exercising or spending some limited time socialising than washing dishes.

Even with 9 hours a day revising you have 5 spare.

Bet he's actually on his phone, is not doing much revising, is using snacks as procrastination, and is now panicking big time

I hate the ‘they’ as you don’t need to disguise the sex of your child and my advice would be different for boys and girls (not very different but subtly so, as they often revise differently and a shouty girl is less scary than a big guy asserting his authority).

Firstly, you need to revise effectively. We are all different here but it basically means 40-45 minute periods (unless doing a past paper) and at least 15 minutes break before next session.

One hour a day is not nearly enough and 6 hours is a lot (maybe too much). My own advice to my son (which he has mostly but not totally agreed to) is 4.5 hours a day with one day off a week over these holidays. They also need things to look forward to (days off, going out with friends etc).

As for behaviour, a little letting off steam should be tolerated, but only up to a point. They need lots of encouragement, a little slack, but also firm boundaries. Generally, I wouldn’t confront them in the moment but, once they had calmed down, I would discuss that it wasn’t acceptable and talk about consequences (loss of allowance, screen time etc).

Surely that depends on the subjects and do you honestly spend six hours a day working non stop? As an adult it is easier to process that stress than at 15/16. Equally, for me personally it is a maternal thing, I don't want DS to have the stress a working adult would. If you think it was easier, it sounds like you enjoyed studying as did I as does DS so respectfully why would you deny that for someone who is young, you have had your time of it and now reality bites but why should the OP's child or mine not have the joy, highs and lows of an academic education which is quite self indulgent I suppose compared to work but surely is a right of passage gor them just as it was for you?

Presumably. Or not. Are you implying the op is lying?

It's a mix - teachers can be paid for volunteering to supervise (or run a specific session), and support staff who have additional days in their contract on top of term time are on the rota, like cover staff, librarian, all those who would run homework club etc. It's been quite well attended by year 11 so far and gives them that focus of getting in, feeling in the same boat as their mates, but being directed back to it. For many it's working just by having a desk, equipment and someone to answer to, rather than lounging in bed at home while everyone has to work.

Yep. All sounds reasonable.

Why would you add to the stress, talking about 'consequences'. I don't really have consequences perhaps just natural ones, I've just always discussed respect and kindness and expectations are realistic of young people who are not adults.

Maybe some Dc still need them at that age. I agree many should be beginning to figure all that out themselves. The reality is they get stressed because they totally grasp the consequence of inadequate study equals lower grades.

How on earth did my question lead you to consider I am implying the poster is lying? I was asking a question.
Last week I asked whether teachers running revision classes were being paid. It seems that most are not paid and also some are expected to run them.
I am wondering whether these study sessions are run in the same way, that's all.

If your teen is working hard I'd cut a little slack. I wouldn't (and don't) tolerate rudeness from my revising teen though- it doesn't stop them being rude, but it is calmly called out each time.

Relaxing the rules over spending would be ok, I'm currently paying (dyslexic) DD to revise! She does maybe an hour or two a day, and gets easily distracted and overwhelmed. She's anxious about failing but not in a helpful motivating way, more like a deer in the headlights way, so I'm going with whatever helps.

A friend with three adult children said that this is definitely the worst part of parenting!

Ok. It was just without any context it came across as very challenging.

They are for us this holiday as we've got a particularly tricky cohort and it was decided that the more of them we could keep in, the better, and they also won't be going on study leave, but kept in lessons throughout the exam period.

It couldn't have been staffed to the extent it has been without offering some payment, but we've given additional weekly sessions after school since November, which were expected and not paid on top of the normal working day.

As each year goes by, we seem to have to do more and more for them, as they can't/won't do it for themselves.

I think just check in with them, ask how they’re feeling. Make yourself a safe person to vent to about the stress and the pressure. Remind them that this time will be over soon and that it’s all going to be okay. Then on another occasion (not as part of the same conversation, but when they’re not being snappy) remind them to be kind. Compromise on the chores, set a budget for the spending money and do this jointly if you can. So you might say ‘last week you spent £x out and about, this was a bit more than I’d like. What do you think would be a realistic amount we can stick to this week?

I know some will think I’m being wishy washy, but you’ve got a high achieving child that revises independently and you literally trust them with your bank card. So I think you can involve them in conversation about this, just not when you’re both feeling emotional and reactive. Good luck!

@mummytoonetryingfortwo

Any DC revising 9 hours a day (huge well done to them btw as that's really impressive) needs the other 5 hours to relax and get some exercise.

I can't believe that any parent would be telling a DC working that hard to empty the dishwasher!

And I can’t believe that you think hard work means you’re excused from anything but lazing around the house relaxing!

@mummytoonetryingfortwo

Yes, I do think DC studying hard for their GCSEs shouldn't be washing dishes.

This doesn't apply if they are moping about doing two hours a day, but I would certainly want them spending their limited free time relaxing or exercising if they are putting the hours in.

At my DCs' school, they were expected to work hard during Easter. However, the head was also explicitly clear with parents that they should not be doing chores and he would and did phone home to emphasise this where necessary.

I think you need a gentle chat op because the more I think about it, the more I think there are actually two possible scenarios here.

The first is a Dc who did well in their mocks and is very focused on getting their lesser subjects esp chemistry, which they struggle with, up to the 8s and 9s, and is working 6 hours a day on it and probably carrying the mental stress the rest of the time. It’s very easy to forget once we are all much further through our lives and careers that this will be a first for them in terms of a prolonged and extensive period of being examined.

The other scenario is a Dc who, despite good intentions, is actually frittering away both the study break and your money by hiding out with friends at the coffee shop.

Their results so far suggest to me the former scenario, but the grumpiness does make me wonder a bit about the latter. It’s sounding a tiny bit like “ the script” where men having affairs create conflict and distance because they know they are up to no good.

I think I’d have a chat to try to get to the bottom of it. Studying from home should be possible. Siblings shouldn’t need to be more disruptive than a public meeting place. If the study was happening at home the eating out costs would naturally resolve as well.

“Limited free time”, yet they have 6-10 hours a day not revising. That’s not limited.

I'm not sure about that. I know a lot of people who prefer to study outside their homes. I regularly visit a uni town and the coffee shops there are always full of students studying.

Realistically I just don't see how the OP's DC could be physically spending ridiculous sums in cafes over a two week holiday. This is really one area where she needs to unclench I think.

Quite, they have less time on a normal school day! They'd be in school 6 hours and have 1-2 hrs homework...

They've got MORE time now...!