How lenient to be about behaviour of a teen revising for GCSEs

[Chocguzel]

How forgiving are you of behaviour when your teen is working hard and stressed by exams?

My 16 year old is studying hard - 6 hours every day of the holidays. Clearly they are stressed and not having a lot of fun although they are meeting friends about every third evening so it’s not like they are having no fun.

At home they are argumentative about everything which isn’t like them. They literally shout about everything and take contrary positions on even simple conversations like what to have for dinner or watch on tv. They constantly pick fights with their siblings which is slightly more like them but is driving me crazy. When asked to help with the tiniest task, like stacking the dishwasher after a meal, they say “I’m bloody revising” and stomp upstairs. Everyday they run up debt to us by buying snacks, meeting friends to study in coffee shops etc, and if we threaten to stop covering the costs they cry and shout that they are revising and we should be supportive.

Ops on how lenient to be about abrasive behaviour right now? If it wasn’t GCSEs I would be pretty furious about this behaviour.

I would assume this young person has never had a job. Six hours per day is part-time. Welcome to the world kiddo!
And yes, I did have a job at that age and yes I still had to do chores, I had to, or I'd have had no clean clothes and nothing to eat. And yes, I still got all my GCSEs.

No, I just have time management skills. My daughter is 6, nearly 7, and has been taught the same. - we do things we need to do, but don’t forget things like putting our clothes away or cleaning up after ourselves. Those values will stay in place no matter what.

To be honest I wouldn’t be allowing study at coffee shops. I suspect part of op’s DC’s stroppiness is the dc feeling stressed that the study isn’t progressing as well as they would like. Gcses are a first step in managing intense study periods; they need both guidance and support. I’d guide by suggesting they study in a more conducive environment and support by taking over some of their chores while they have an extra study load.

In our family we often step in where someone is under pressure. My DH recently had a time pressured business trip with a presentation that needed altering due to a client change of mind before he left. I stepped in and organised his luggage for him while he fielded it. I think teaching your dc those interpersonal skills of support and empathy is just as important as forcing them to load a dishwasher which they have been perfectly capable of from the age of 6. It’s not a skill people tend to lose …

Also degrees tend to be examined each year as opposed to after 2-3 years’ work and in addition you’re doing a subject you love. GCSEs are tough because many 15 year olds struggle with a certain skill set.

I certainly wouldn’t make my DD do any chores at this time unless she wanted to ( for example she tidied her room last night as a form of relaxation). She also gets money for edible “treats”

So you have no experience of teenagers at all, you know you still have paternal duties when your children are 16, 18 etc. for me that includes making life easier at very stressful time in your child's life. We all have Time Management skills in our household and thinking about this intelligently, in a broader context of the long-term implications of these exams, means that the dishes for my teenage son are not the priority, his exams are! Maybe it is different in your job but in mine and DH's knowing how to prioritise work is just as important as time management. Where I work, no point in distributing time equally to clients if one project is going to bring in a higher fee and keep everyone employed, that's just stupid!

But your argument is they are revising for 6-8 hours a day. 8 hours of pure leisure time is a lot. They can do some simple housework.

The amount of focus and concentration required to spend 6 hours revising is very different to most full time jobs.

Very few adults in full time jobs spend 6 hours a day intensely focused without distractions for that period of time as is required for revision.

I would suggest DCs’ standards for their grades (and the skills acquired from that) are vastly more important than the quality of their room cleanliness.

Agree. The truth is cleaning isn’t the masterful art some mumsnetters would have you believe. Most people can do it. It’s a question of priorities.

There are a certain number of hours in a day. When you have enough, it’s lovely to have everything spit spot, windows gleaming, flowers in vases. But an unmade bed during exams is not the high drama some of Mn like to make it out to be.

But, again. The argument is that they will spend 6-8 hours a day revising. Why can they not do housework in the remaining 8 hours a day?

I've been there. What I would counsel against is letting too much go as it is hard to "get back" to acceptable post-exams.

So - no to rudeness - challenge it every time. (Slightly) relaxed spending limits. Lower expectations of chores but they still have to clean up after themselves.

It's great your kid has high ambitions, but they will learn pretty soon that all 8s and 9s in GCSEs are fairly meaningless in life!

Well it's not so arbitrary as that, DS will do stuff but I don't insist on it. Neither did my Mum in this period and cleaning 'skills' were acquired. I mean seriously, how hard is it to learn how this stuff, it isn't!

Equally, I want my DS to have some down time, he is off seeing his girlfriend or friends or just listening to music as young people should do, plenty of time for boring adulthood!

Is it not 'as that'

I teach GCSE. I think you're being very supportive of your child.
I assume they're taking regular breaks as 6 hrs intense study without regular breaks is unsustainable. Quantity is not indicative of quality. Studies have shown people can only maintain that level of concentration for about 20 minutes.
You may want to support your child by agreeing a realistic timetable of study including regular breaks. The Pomodoro technique can be helpful.
I doubt the efficacy of studying in a coffee shop. The library would work. Set a weekly budget for eating out. You may also consider inviting his study group to your home and providing lunch/snacks.
As far as chores go, washing dishes etc can be a great way of switching off the brain, allowing it to process information. It can also contribute to reducing stress through mindfulness.
Regular exercise is also a must to manage stress levels.
All this said, you may want to pick your battles. If results don't meet expectations children are not above blaming parents for taking them away from revision with chores etc. Ensure everything is agreed.
There is so much pressure on our young people to do well in exams often to the detriment of their wellbeing.
Make sure they know you love them and will support them whatever their results. A failed exam is not the end of the world.

Six hours a day when not actually in school is about the right amount and what is recommended by many schools. Ours is open for bookable study slots, so kids can have a couple of focused hours, or stay all day 9 til 3. But it's not really about where, other than the fact coffee shops with mates are not that conducive to concentration. It's about having a clear plan and sticking to it. It's easier for them if they have to be accountable and still have some routine and basic expectations.

So he is able to socialise despite being so stressed, but not look after his surroundings.

I find it very interesting that the young people being referred to are all boys.

Which is why I think it’s ridiculous to expect that of a child with a developing brain.
Surely there must be a happy medium?

Yes, I agree and the clean house with everything in it's place is a nice feeling but I'm mid 40's but I certainly didn't care about that at 16,17, 18 probably started to care at Masters degree level as I seemed to be in my bedsit quite a bit to study. It's just growing up.

I've got one doing GCSEs this year and one doing 'A' levels. I'm lenient around the house ie put your used plates in the dishwasher, and turn a blind ear to a bit of snappiness and surliness.

My ds was being extremely stroppy and argumentative a few weeks ago. After some intervention to organise his revision (realistically an hour or two a day) he's notably less anxious, so much less stroppy.

In your position op, I would ask dc outright about how they think their revision is going and if they say all is well, question why they're so angry about everything. My ds didn't seem able/willing to work out quite simple things like start your revision with what you know will be on your first paper - I suspect he's not the only 15 year old who needs some help with that type of thing.

The OP isn't expecting it though, some teenagers are just that way inclined. My DS wants at GCSES but he loves the specialisation at A level and has a passion for his subjects, he buys books on the subjects, he listens to podcasts on the subjects for pleasure. He is naturally inquisitive and he is lucky as obviously he knows more about the subjects from that reading around but in my case, no one is forcing him to study for hours, he is just driven and Intellectual.

Wasn't not 'wants'.

I think I’d be encouraging my child to take breaks and not overdo it.
If they are getting stressed and stroppy (as OP states), then perhaps her DC is actually pushing themselves a bit hard.

I'm not the OP, my DS isn't particularly stressed but it is a stressful time no doubt about it. You have imagined your proposition as his girlfriend equally has nothing to do around the house at the moment, neither did I and I am a woman who was that age in the 90s, I have a DD and she is treated the same. Maybe it is because you have a young DC and you don't seem to realise the world they are inhabiting now, fewer professional jobs, more graduates going for them, shitty housing costs, massive student debt, it is not easy out there, they need all the help with their education that thet can get.

Yes, possibly, I found GCSES to be more stressful than this time around with A levels as there were too many subjects to revise and DS is like me and prefers specialising.

Op I think this is the post you really needed to hear.

I wouldn’t be too stressed about dishwashers etc in the bigger picture but the alarm bell for me is WHY they are finding such a simple task so triggering?

As others have said, when all is going well it really isn’t a massive task - and actually its the sort of thing I tend to gravitate to to avoid the hard stuff! Whenever I have a big project I find myself itching to do household tasks because they are simple, achievable with a known outcome. I guess that’s why I’m not too hot under the collar about the idea of pushing tasks on Dc during exams as they can actually become an escape route to avoid tackling the study.

But I think the grumpy demeanour when you are providing so much in the way of support would worry me in the sense that I think it is suggestive of things not going well.

I think rather than approaching this as a “ you need to be spending less and doing more to help” issue, I’d be saying “ Is the study going to plan because we are allowing indulgence on treats and yet you still seem too stressed to do a basic chore? There is still time to change the approach to study but it needs to happen now. Social things can be embraced over summer.”

Also sometimes students like to study in groups as it feels more of an “ all in the same boat” environment. It doesn’t mean it is helping the study itself!!