How lenient to be about behaviour of a teen revising for GCSEs

[Chocguzel]

How forgiving are you of behaviour when your teen is working hard and stressed by exams?

My 16 year old is studying hard - 6 hours every day of the holidays. Clearly they are stressed and not having a lot of fun although they are meeting friends about every third evening so it’s not like they are having no fun.

At home they are argumentative about everything which isn’t like them. They literally shout about everything and take contrary positions on even simple conversations like what to have for dinner or watch on tv. They constantly pick fights with their siblings which is slightly more like them but is driving me crazy. When asked to help with the tiniest task, like stacking the dishwasher after a meal, they say “I’m bloody revising” and stomp upstairs. Everyday they run up debt to us by buying snacks, meeting friends to study in coffee shops etc, and if we threaten to stop covering the costs they cry and shout that they are revising and we should be supportive.

Ops on how lenient to be about abrasive behaviour right now? If it wasn’t GCSEs I would be pretty furious about this behaviour.

What teen has standards regarding dishwashing?

@TropicofCapricorn

The low expectations are from those who are obsessed with their DC changing beds and emptying dishwashers during exam season.

DC should be self centred to an extent during this time. It's an inherently stressful time and their needs absolutely should come first in the house.

That doesn't mean they spend 24 hours studying, but revising hard, relaxation, exercise and some time with friends should be the priorities.

The extraneous stuff needs to be removed so that DC can focus on these things.

It's about contributing to normal life, even when they "studying hard". They aren't being expected to go and work in the kitchen's for 6 hours in a pub here... Literally just not opt out of simple daily tasks and use "I'm revising" as an excuse for being lazy.

Yes, like I explained, many adults my DH and I included had children and studied as well as work, you aren't unusual. Of course you didn't socialise like a teenager because you weren't one, why do you resent them having that balance just because you didn't and completed your education a different way around. It is silly reasoning, not loading a dishwasher makes you self centred, my DS will offer to do it but I tell him not to as I don't want him to be bothered with that at the moment, he's a kind, laid back, peaceful, tolerant boy so stop with your ridiculous generalisations, you may want them to be true but I'm sorry they just aren't!

Parents can have high expectations for them working hard at GCSEs and that can include contributing to the household in normal way.
Spending ten minutes doing a boring task once a day absolutely will not take focus away from the studying.
Because they can study 9-3(or 4) and then 4 or 5 entire hours later,they can spend 10 minutes doing this incredibly simple task with zero impact on any part of their revision or exams or relaxation.

@mummytoonetryingfortwo

DC's 'standards' should be focused on their grades, not the sodding dishwasher!

I like the way this school puts it:

"Give your children a break from household chores during exam time. They are under enough pressure, so let them off the extra work until exams are over."

www.cfsacademy.org.uk/_site/data/files/documents/students/exams/6ED5E8849F84C42259B216B70CE34854.pdf

Absolutely ridiculous, they should be playing and having fun.

I don't resent them having a balance.

I just absolutely think they can and should do simple daily tasks around this revision.

It's ten minutes. Not ten hours..

I suspect a few posters on this thread haven't had children go through GCSEs. Or are tiger mothers. In which case I hope they are looking forward to their 10 9*s!!

I unfortunately am not a tiger mother. I therefore spoil and cosset my children throughout the exam period WHICH AS I KEEP SAYING HAS ACTUALLY STARTED!! They know that during this time I'm all about them and happily load their plate into the dishwasher and try not to tell them off. And I buy them treats. And my kids are hugely resilient and independent and helpful and polite and unspoiled. If I do say so myself. They just get to slack off during public examinations.

They're under pressure because the adults around them are telling them this is the only thing they should be focusing on.

Tbf tiger mothers would not dream of having their DC changing beds or washing dishes during exam season!

Yes good point!! 🤣

I would remove the card from Apple Pay. They need to be trusted with money. What if they bought something huge? I can’t afford lunch out every day. Give them some money and they need to make it work.

My 16 year old is the opposite end of revision. Head in the sand and not revising. Trying to gently tell him to revise. It’s all so overwhelming.

Yes he has exams but that doesn’t give him carte Blanche to be a dick to everyone.

Whereas you’d have them
focusing on the real essentials of life - dishwashing and bed making?

So the OP is better off having her DS not revising like your DS than him doing six hours a day? 😂

Unless Costa now sell gold dusted lattes, there is a physical limit to how much he can spend.

I’d be pretty lenient to be honest - their behaviour is very understandable. If I had that many exams in a few weeks and was stuck at a desk studying that many hours per day I’d be irritable too!

DD was usually a bit unpleasant around exam time due to stress, lack of sleep etc and her room was usually ridiculously messy as she didn’t have time to clean it. I just ignored it and let her get on with things. Now isn’t the time to pick battles OP!

My goodness, you're obsessed with this 'lazy' label, my parents were the same with me, my Mum who my DS went to stay with last week to revise also treated him like this, none of us are lazy, my parents both worked in professions, I work full time in a profession as does DH, we just have different priorities for our children. Our houses (my Mum's as well) are lovely and clean, being an Architect my DH is pretty keen on the aesthetic so we don't live in a shit hole. How did we manage this transition into adulthood so successfully you ask, when our parents were so indulgent!

No, I'd have them just carrying in as normal ... If they have been perfectly capable of emptying the dishwasher whilst working longer and just as hard, they can do it now.

They were going to school, doing homework after school, and presumably had started revising before the holidays ... And we're expected to empty the dishwasher then, so why, all of a sudden now they're doing less academic work, they are now suddenly able to opt out of very simple tasks?

It makes no sense to me that people are saying that they should drop absolutely every single responsibility because they're revising for 6 hours 🤷‍♀️

So what are you suggesting these parents do?

Maybe they just say: “Fear not Dc, because whatever happens in these exams, you will always have your dishwasher loading skills to fall back on. And if you fail and life is tougher thereafter, you will at least have developed plenty of resilience from wrestling those forks into the cutlery compartment.”

I think you are making quite a lot of the importance of the task.

They should expect them to do simple daily takes that they were perfectly capable of doing 3 weeks ago...

… and will be perfectly capable of still doing in a few weeks time.

Cross my heart, there is zero pressure from me, my DS loves his subjects, he is always listening to podcasts, asks me what I think about items in the news, any pressure he's applying is to himself as I have reminded him to take breaks and to go outside occasionally.

Christ, mine goes over the top if I even ask if he's doing any. He's doing 45 mins a day max, did none today and threw a fit when I asked when he was going to be doing anything today.

I think where this thread is getting us is that your son, Bear, needs to breed with Tropic’s niece and they will start a super breed of resilient, academic, house-keeping, empathetic high flyers!

I would say it was harder at 15 (wasn't 16 until GCSES were over) revising for GCSES and was more stressful as he wasn't as passionate about all 10 subjects. I definitely didn't expect housework help at that time. As he is nearly an adult, he is always offering to do the dishwasher or help with laundry and for instance, he put new sheets on his bed yesterday, he is in no way entitled, I just don't think this important at the moment.