How lenient to be about behaviour of a teen revising for GCSEs

[Chocguzel]

How forgiving are you of behaviour when your teen is working hard and stressed by exams?

My 16 year old is studying hard - 6 hours every day of the holidays. Clearly they are stressed and not having a lot of fun although they are meeting friends about every third evening so it’s not like they are having no fun.

At home they are argumentative about everything which isn’t like them. They literally shout about everything and take contrary positions on even simple conversations like what to have for dinner or watch on tv. They constantly pick fights with their siblings which is slightly more like them but is driving me crazy. When asked to help with the tiniest task, like stacking the dishwasher after a meal, they say “I’m bloody revising” and stomp upstairs. Everyday they run up debt to us by buying snacks, meeting friends to study in coffee shops etc, and if we threaten to stop covering the costs they cry and shout that they are revising and we should be supportive.

Ops on how lenient to be about abrasive behaviour right now? If it wasn’t GCSEs I would be pretty furious about this behaviour.

I don't think that is fine during GCSE revision (or at any time to be frank!) Why is she stripping and changing everone's bed every single week??

That aside, I think there is a vast difference between being at school or work for 6 hours and doing 6 hours' revision. The latter is intense and completely draining either for those who want or need 8s and 9s who cannot afford to gamble with marks/mark schemes or those who are endeavouring to push their 4s and 5s into a 6 or striving for a 7.

I am old but I remember my parents doing everything for me in those dreadful weeks before exams, where the sun is always shining and you're stuck in your bedroom going over and over the same thing and panicking.

Often too, DC will be forced to interrupt their revision to come down for meals and are therefore keen to get back and not lose momentum.

For goodness' sake, let them off for a bit.

I have to admit it was far easier to get all 4 of my DC to do chores and extra work and music practice when they were 7/8, then when they were 14/15.

So those with young children going on about how much work and chores 15 year olds “should” be doing, I hope you are getting the hours in now, whilst you still have a lot of influence! Many teens are lazy and stubborn and some are their own worst enemy. Plenty are nocturnal and for some parents, getting them up before 10am to do some revision is no mean feat. And many are risk takers or chancers so will just leave things to the last minute.

It’s also showing a bit of kindness. They are good kids. Normally I’ll leave mine to make their own lunch for example but at the moment I’m cooking extra healthy stuff for lunches and dinner and cutting them some slack. Not cracking the whip and inspecting bedrooms..

@SeaSwim5 ,

You seem to have some very extreme views which are the opposite of most posting on here, including educationalists.

I am also starting to wonder if you know what a dishwasher is? It takes less than 3 minutes to unload a dishwasher and maybe 7 to load it. Are these really too much to ask a healthy teenager who is doing a few hours of revision a day?

When I was asked by pupils to suggest a revision timetable, it would look something like this:

9AM: 90 minutes past paper in one go.
coffee/tea break: 15 mins
10:45AM: mark paper with mark scheme 45 mins
11:30-12:30 relax and have early lunch
12:30-1:15 revise different subject representing some text into a mind map or decision tree (changing form is good for memory).

1:15-1:30: short walk or workout
1:30-2:15: problem solving in Maths or a Science
2:15-2:30:tea/drink break
2:30-3:15: final session, maybe language practice.

(Some prefer to do later or earlier depending on whether they are morning or evening people).

That is a solid day’s work roughly equivalent to a school day. Then you have the rest of the day off.

It is not overly onerous, nor should it be. Your mind can only take in so much in a day. It does, however, leave room for a few chores and a social life.

The home revision for the actual exam is part of a much longer process that starts with revision for the December/January mock exams. If you don’t start early (and work solidly throughout the course), you can’t catch up on a last minute frenzied flurry.

it has never crossed my mind that changing their own bedding would count as a chore for a teenager. It’s their own bed. On a par with ‘get themselves dressed’

Well, they’re not wrong…
It’s a bit dramatic to suggest them paying for their lunch is running up debt, unless they’re dining at the Ivy, maybe?

@Newbutoldfather

It is not an extreme view in the slightest to say that teens should not be doing chores during GCSEs. As I say, I have never met a parent who would insist on changing household bedding during this time.

I have also found a whole heap of guidance from schools advising similar from a cursory google search.

www.soarvalley.aspirelp.uk/assets/GCSEsupport-A4-Booklet.pdf

"Recognise the importance of the GCSE exams and preparation time. Reduce chores and keep disturbances to a minimum."

rawmarsh.org/students/exam-information/

"Parents must recognise how important these exams are and not ask them to do too many chores or look after brothers and sisters."

This was a really sweet and considerate post. It captures exactly what I remember about exams and how it feels to see everything bursting into life outside while you feel like you are stuck in a castle turret dragging a ball and chain around.

I agree that I don’t think a bit of kindness and leeway at that time results in slovenly entitled adults. My mum used to make me lovely lunches I remember.

But you were an adult, if you have a family you probably don't have the social life of a teen. As I posted previously my DH qualified as an Architect when our first was a baby so as it is part 3 that is a full days work and the studying and exams after work, sponsored by work and exams in a city that was 3 hours away from where we lived, I also completed a professional 2 year qualification, it is a different ball game, being young and studying is not the same at all and teenagers should expect a life, you had your teen life why would you be bitter about that as someone who completed a degree as an adult.

Good for you but I don't study like that and neither does my DS. I don't get how you think in such black and white terms, my DS loves his subjects he doesn't see it as a chore or even a timetabled thing. Some people are just like that and I'm afraid you have to accept people differ from you, it's called, 'tolerance'.

That's probably because you have a young child and you seem to lack empathy.

My goodness, why would you put them on a back foot in such a competitive world over a petty dishwasher load. Honestly, you have your priorities all wrong!

I have empathy. I also know I’ll be raising my daughter to be resilient enough that she can empty a dishwasher and revise.

Wow, maybe you should work on your aggression and hostility over people you don't know. Chill out.

Blimey, they won't be out on the back foot for having to empty a dishwasher... It will have zero impact in their revision.

Is your daughter going through GCSEs too? Havent read the whole thread. Good luck! It's not fun.
I think it's good to avoid making a big deal if a child is visibly stressed and getting agitated and cross. It's a symptom of stress and good to not get on a child's case a week before exams if they aren't like that usually. Give them some slack. Don't go mad about the dishwasher for the next few weeks or get them to refund treat money. If a parent did that I would think them pretty weird and unsupportive.

You, and the rest of the family, can’t tolerate this behaviour all the way through to the end of GCSE’s, so you need address it. I’d pick a couple of things you need to change, rudeness to family, helping round the house, or budgeting on snacks, and set some ground rules. Get them a revolut card or something and give them a reasonable budget to stick to per week, and make it dependant on doing a couple of minor chores and generally maintaining a pleasant manner towards the family.

But having your mum getting angry at you might not be ideal. I'd chose my battles in this period.

No, I didn't socialise like a child, because my time was spent working full time, raised kids, studying and managed the house...

Look, make all the excuses you like for allowing the child to be lazy and self centered, but at the end of the day, the 16 year old can still do the dishwasher. They have plenty of time, it's not a hard task and absolutely will not negatively impact their exams. If they were capable of doing this very very simple and quick task 3 weeks ago, they're perfectly able to do it now, as they have more time available to them than then.

So many people have such low expectations of their children, it's absolutely shocking.

The child is only doing GVCSEs and only spending 6 hours a day working. 3 weeks ago she would have been spending 8-9 hours a day working, maybe more. I really don't understand why posters have such low expectations of their children, and allow them to opt out of simple daily tasks to help everyone.

It would be absolutely different if the child was expected to go out and work a couple of shifts or they were being asked to do the weekly shop and all cooking etc.

But honestly, the kid is being asked to empty a dishwasher. that's it...

I don't have low expectations of my children. They do chores, clear the table, load the dishwasher, mow the lawn etc. All unpaid. But if one was so stressed by the exams (that have already started btw) that they started getting angry and if this was unusual behavior for them obviously I would say to them (just for the gcse period) go and watch tv or have a bath or something to relax. Certainly not bollock them. Once the exams are over then obviously normal behaviour is expected.

Everyone manages stress differently and this is the first time for most kids that they need to do a proper exam. Schools and their friends are probably also hyping them up.

What is resilient about emptying a dishwasher!

I want my teens to not care about banalities like learning the art of dishwasher loading, I want them to be consumed with passion for their subjects so that learning is not a chore. I want them to be able to develop the intellectual capacity to recognise how to deliver an argument without name calling and disproportionate anger, to not seethe with intolerance of other people's choices. If you aren't allowed to indulge that as a teenager when you are starting your adult life, if you have to be a mini version of a middle aged or thirty something, then in my mind, something has gone wrong!

Has your DD done her GCSEs? What was your experience? My DS1 was highly stressed. My DS2 currently doing them is not. Same upbringing. Same chores.

And I want my children to know that a stressful period is no justification for dropping their standards.

Your children can be "consumed with passion" and empty the dishwasher you know.

Stop making excuses for raising lazy self centered children.

Honestly, anyone would think the OPs kid was studying 16 hours a day, not 6.

I really don't understand why now the kid is working for 3 hours less each day "revising", this absolves then from completing simple daily tasks that they were perfectly capable and able to do when working for longer periods of time.