Interesting article about the effects of divorce on womens finances, particularly pensions

[PyongyangKipperbang]

And the difference to the effect it has on men. You wont be surprised to read that they are better off than we are after divorce....

https://inews.co.uk/inews-lifestyle/stay-home-mum-50-divorced-no-pension-3628292

I think some women sadly make shitty choices about having children with shitty men, and then find that it's easier to project that shittiness on to all men than to own the poor choices that they made.

Well I think a lot aren't exposed to good examples so have lower expectations unfortunately. Certainly my upbringing shaped what I look for in a man & my MIL was the breadwinner which definitely influenced my DH in terms of what parenting should look like to him.

You see it on here so often, they don’t want to go back to work or only PT, or their work has to be around school hours. When asked why their DH can’t cut his hours / find another job than one where he does zero childcare the posters are always very reluctant.
Let’s not pretend most SAHM would prefer to go to work, often the ‘joint decision’ is them wanting to stay home and their husband agreeing (but would be fine either way).

It’s not about having regrets about working post time it’s about not acting like women are children. You can’t possibly have “just noticed” your pension pot is smaller due to years/decades working part time.

erm, yes i have

my dh could not have had flexi hours, he would have been laughed out of the factory
not all working men let alone women could have flexi hours.

I think there's lots of reasons why it happens. The obvious one is that it's pretty much impossible to understand in advance how profoundly having a baby changes everything. It's difficult to comprehend the responsibility of having a child until you've had one. A man can make all the right noises about 50/50 parenting and then fall short once reality hits. Leaving the woman with a choice - does she step back to an equal degree to the detriment of her children, or step up to fill the gap?

It’s got nothing to do with your DH or flexi hours.
You’re an adult woman, you can’t possibly claim you didn’t know and “just realised” that decades of putting less into a pension meant it was obviously worth less.
Come on! You chose to work part time but you’re surely not stupid. It’s a ridiculous claim.

@Sofiewoo
open your mind to different opinions and attitudes, that might help you realise we are not all the same.
i never gave my pension any thought

You’re just illustrating the problem. Why were you expected to make all the sacrifices? Ok, so your DH’s factory wouldn’t entertain flexi hours. What about him simply going part time? Him finding another more flexible job? Campaigning for paternity equality in his workplace?

As long as women keep accepting this as the default nothing will change. And yes, ideally this is men’s fight, you’d hope they actually want to be involved parents (and many modern workplaces do now offer enhanced paternity and the same flexibility for men and women) but women need to refuse to accept that men simply cannot have flexibility at work for childcare. The default mindset should be 50/50. Men making no changes to their life and work after becoming a parent and women making all the sacrifices shouldn’t even be an option on the table.

I'd also like to point out that the industries that make it possible for both parents to work full time - nurseries and elderly care - are absolutely dependant on women being willing to work in low-wage (often part time) jobs.

You cannot blame this on individual women making bad choices while ignoring the fact that our society and much of our economy is reliant on the part time, low paid workers that you are deriding.

my dh made changes, working over time, 60 hours a week
you are wearing rose coloured glasses if you think men can work flexibly.

I think fathers can have a strong nurturing instinct, absolutely. Sometimes more so than the mother. Your dad sounds wonderful. But in my personal experience and from what I observe on MN, it's much less common.

Well he certainly wasn't perfect but he's a great dad & we are still very close now. My mum was also great & who I go to for any DIY & practical help. My mum has 5 sisters & 2 brothers & my uncles were all pretty hands on tbh despite the majority of mums not working or working p/t. My DH again has flaws as do I but has a great relationship with dc.

Honestly some of the posts on MNs about their completely crappy partners just depress me so I don't read them anymore.

Yeah I think that poster is talking BS to be honest and it's something women tell themselves as it's easier to say that women should be default parents than they made a poor choice of father for their DC. My DH is just as good a parent as I am and is extremely hands on, as he has been since DDs were born.

The article doesn’t take into account the huge percentage of unmarried couples either.

I stopped work when had a baby as I just couldn’t handle it TBH and we could afford it. Ex p would do zero childcare or nursery pickups so I’d have never seen my baby and been stressed and exhausted. I just didn’t want to. He promised to share his pension when I flagged all my worries and the vulnerable situation it put me.

Then we split and of course he didn’t and now I’m screwed!

actually for myself i found part time work, in the NHS, extremely difficult to find.
took me a long time, and i cherish it

you are wearing rose coloured glasses if you think men can work flexibly.

Some men can

only some

So? Some women can't either

@Marshtit how old are you?

only some

So you agree with me then 😆

60 this year so too old for this conversation by the sound of things with all the talk of flexible working patterns, full time affordable child care etc.,

I think people are so short sighted in the baby years. You see it all the time on MN, women mostly looking to give up work or reduce hours because their salary is eaten by childcare costs. Not adding in lack of pension, career progression and long term financial stability to the equation. And of course the male partner couldn't possibly have any flexibility at all

Then there's the unequal labour division which means a working mother may still end up doing 90% of the childcare arrangements and housework so even more temptation to give up their work. There's a tendency to martyr ourselves either way and men will allow us to do this.

I've always worked - through the hard years and demanded equality both at home and work. We need to take responsibility for our choices.

I'm referring to after the event though. Even if she agreed it so the sale went through, the Judge would've had to approve it later (potentially after the sale had gone through).

And of course the male partner couldn't possibly have any flexibility at all

where exactly does this happen? @smileymileysmiley

The article doesn’t take into account the huge percentage of unmarried couples either.

If you want dc marriage generally offers more protection, obviously can't always plan it that way.

The attitudes on this thread are utterly depressing. Family, children and balance are out of the window. All about earning money. How very sad that we have come to this.