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Potential relationship with asylum seeker

132 replies

Taxswellian · 06/04/2025 11:00

Just that really. He is ten years younger. We share a sports hobby which is how we met. Same language. His asylum case is pending. My heart wants it. Small town in the north and think he'll stay here. My own child is an adult and in London so l currently live alone. Acrimonious divorce 5 years ago. Been happily single since. I'm slightly worried about being judged by family etc.

OP posts:
Taxswellian · 06/04/2025 20:52

Pp yes the running is connected to my volunteer work but also a hobby. I work in human rights. Lol at being assumed to be someone's futher wealth. How do you know he doesn't have his own? Thanks for all your contributions. There are many things to consider and l feel a bit clearer

OP posts:
Taxswellian · 06/04/2025 20:56

I'm fully aware of sex tourism in West Africa. I hardly think this is comparable.

OP posts:
Tbrh · 06/04/2025 20:59

Women marry and/or have children with men for security all the time, what's wrong if it's the other way around? Be cautious OP, but enjoy it while you can, it might turn out to be the real deal

Bigblubird · 06/04/2025 21:04

You don't want to tell your family, because you know there are red flags, and they are the most likely to point them out to your face.

How do you think your adult child would feel if he moved in (he'll need somewhere to live once he gets asylum or other permission to remain)? What's the age difference between him and your child?

I think this can go wrong in so many ways. Of course you're not vulnerable, just because you're a middle aged divorced woman, but you're obviously not as cynical as many of us on this thread, and he may be taking advantage of your kindness and openess.
You can google marriage traditions in his country - what age do men usually marry at? In Nigeria for example, Wikipedia gives 24 as average age for men for first marriage and 19 for women.

You say you know a lot about the asylum/immigration system - is it because he's told you? If it's because you work or volunteer with a group supporting asylum seekers eg through sport, your relationship would be very inappropriate.

You say he's well educated, won't have a problem getting a job, but have you asked him why he didn't simply apply for a work visa to work in another country?

Flutterbyby · 06/04/2025 21:09

Taxswellian · 06/04/2025 17:58

Sorry don't know how to quote. Being married here does NOT effect refugee status applications. Yes ll be careful but lm not silly or desperate. And certainly have no intention of marrying anyone. I don't need to wake up l used to volunteer with ( female) refugees. I know the system, thanks.

Honestly l was thinking he is the vulnerable one.
But l do like him and will proceed with caution.

You sound clueless. Once married, you don't need refugee status, you need spousal permission. It's much easier to get.

You definitely can't be certain he's going to get there permission he's seeking

Taxswellian · 06/04/2025 21:10

I do volunteer with asylum seekers but met him in a sport related to this he is not someone l was advocating for or mentoring in any way. Nor was he part of any group l was supporting. Moreso met him at a social running group that incudes asylum seekers.

OP posts:
FKAT · 06/04/2025 21:15

Taxswellian · 06/04/2025 20:56

I'm fully aware of sex tourism in West Africa. I hardly think this is comparable.

Is that directed at me? I was simply responding to another poster, not commenting on your relationship.

OogieBoogiO · 06/04/2025 21:30

I’ve watched too many episodes of “90 day fiancée” to say go for it. And I say that as a foreigner married to a foreigner who lives in a third country (met online).

MsJinks · 06/04/2025 21:35

Im going to approach this from your perspective of him being a genuine asylum seeker who has a good claim for refugee status - not that that means a straightforward grant and not that refugee status gives right to remain forever in itself.

As you work with asylum seekers you will be more aware than most how vulnerable they are - what they will have lived through/feared (the long term impacts of this), the escape and journey, leaving all they ever knew, now the wait without being able to work and with limited cash plus chance of being moved anywhere in the U.K. at short notice - it's so destabilising really if you think about it that of course you want to grab something steady, comforting, reliable.
But I'm not sure how much any asylum seeker is in a position to form a lasting relationship, though they will be missing family, and familiar things and basically some human connection/comfort so I'm not surprised they think they want to for genuine reasons.
I think you shouldn't really be going down this road with him, he is vulnerable, and if you care for him and you know all this through your work then why add pressure. If refused there's more stress waiting for appeal or to be returned which is all the worse if you have big attachments here.
And not thought about much, but there's further turmoil if/when granted as they're forced to find somewhere to live and something to live on within a very short space of time - potential pressure for you to pick up here which isn't great in a relationship to rush to this.
Honestly, I'd just be his friend if you want to support him - delay the rest - or at the very least keep yourselves very aware that it's just for a short time and really accept that - because he has big challenges to face whatever the asylum decision, and things will change massively for him and so for any relationship he's in and he won't need any additional pressure or stress at that time, just to focus on straightening his own life out.

ImmigrationLawyer · 06/04/2025 21:38

Getting into a relationship with a British woman who has an adult child is not much of a Plan B at all, for those thinking along those lines. In the event that his asylum claim is refused and he wanted to rely on the marriage / unmarried partnership (and they're not in that type of relationship yet in any event) then they would would have to show that there were "insurmountable obstacles" to the relationship continuing in his home country. Her not speaking the local language, not knowing anyone, being separated from family, not being likely to get a job - none of that is considered to be 'insurmountable obstacles.' A woman who already has minor children from a previous relationship (if they are in contact with their father) would be a Plan B, because there would be insurmountable obstacles to her leaving the children behind and / or to taking them and thereby ceasing contact with their father.

Plan C would be to leave the UK and apply for entry clearance as a spouse / unmarried partner, but decision makers will often apply Part 9 of the Rules alleging that a failed asylum claim constitutes an attempt to contrive to frustrate the intention of the Rules. Which then leads to a lengthy and difficult (and expensive) appeal process.

I'm not oblivious to the issue of people finding a handy girlfriend in the UK and pledging undying love to the prospect of a future visa, but a woman with an adult child would be a terrible option.

Also, asylum claims are taking YEARS to determine at the moment. It's natural for people to get on with their lives - joining hobby clubs and getting work (once they've been waiting for a year they can apply for permission to work in shortage occupations) and forming relationships. I wouldn't assume that someone in this position is cynically contriving a sham relationship.

It sounds to me like the major issue OP has is whether her family would be sniffy about it - and they might be, but that's rarely a determining factor in relationships.

TomatoSandwiches · 06/04/2025 21:39

How do you even know he likes you in a similar way op?
What if he doesn't have any feelings for you and you make him uncomfortable?
It could make him retreat from the running club which I assume is a source of support for him.

augustusglupe · 06/04/2025 21:42

Can’t believe the earlier comments about telling your family ‘white lies’.
God no, I wouldn’t be getting involved in this in a million years!!

Karatema · 06/04/2025 22:19

My friend, a few years ago now, was in a relationship with a foreign national, about 20 years younger (may have been a little more) and married him. As soon as they’d been married long enough for him to stay in UK, he left.
She was heart broken. Her SHL stopped him from taking half her assets!

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 07/04/2025 06:57

I don't know why you bothered posting OP. Given your responses, you clearly don't want to hear other people's opinions.

TropicofCapricorn · 07/04/2025 07:04

I'm far too cynical as well...I would not get into a relationship with him.

TropicofCapricorn · 07/04/2025 07:08

augustusglupe · 06/04/2025 21:42

Can’t believe the earlier comments about telling your family ‘white lies’.
God no, I wouldn’t be getting involved in this in a million years!!

I agree, if you're starting a relationship and having to lie about things to your nearest and dearest... That's a concern!!

TropicofCapricorn · 07/04/2025 07:08

OP - if this was your daughter coming to you and asking about this... What would you say to her?

That's what you do.

Livingbytheocean · 07/04/2025 07:48

Not a chance in hell. For so many reasons, the biggest one being its unlikely he will stay in the long term or might be deported. I wouldn’t want the stress of such an uncertain relationship, and would never trust his intentions fully.

I prefer equal relationships with men are financially and emotionally stable, from a good family if I want to have children and share the same values, beliefs and outlook so we match for a life time, and not short term attraction that burns out quickly in my experience.

Runningoutofpatiencefucksandmoney · 07/04/2025 08:00

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 07/04/2025 06:57

I don't know why you bothered posting OP. Given your responses, you clearly don't want to hear other people's opinions.

Yes, I agree with @george . I've only read your responses OP, and some replies, but it seems like your mind is already made up and you came here expecting validation, which you're not getting.

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/04/2025 09:47

If he is high profile and in danger in his country, would there be any risk to you or your family if you were involved?

That’s the thing that would give me pause.

TonTonMacoute · 07/04/2025 10:42

I can't see what's in it for him, frankly. Have you asked yourself this?
A woman 10 years older than him who has a grown child and no desire to have any more. What future does that sound like for him? Won't he want a proper family, marriage and children if he settles here permanently?

Set up sounds weird to me, for these reasons.

Psychoticbreak · 07/04/2025 12:06

TonTonMacoute · 07/04/2025 10:42

I can't see what's in it for him, frankly. Have you asked yourself this?
A woman 10 years older than him who has a grown child and no desire to have any more. What future does that sound like for him? Won't he want a proper family, marriage and children if he settles here permanently?

Set up sounds weird to me, for these reasons.

So a british guy say going for a single parent 10 years younger than him with no intention of having more kids in your opinion is not a viable option either? Bizzare. The thing I am learning today is that you are useless to a man unless you are willing to procreate with him.

BobbyBiscuits · 07/04/2025 12:13

It's not necessary to discuss his migration status or whether he passed the 'life in the UK test'. You wouldn't mention such things about a partner normally would you?

Of course the only issue I can think of is you might get really close and then his claim fails and he's kicked out. Which would be sad for you both.

Other than that just go for it. You like him. There's no shame anyway in fleeing conflict or persecution. I guess I might worry that they might have witnessed lots of really terrible hardships and death etc. So their mental health could be affected. But even that is a very broad assumption..

Sugarfish · 07/04/2025 12:38

OP you sound like you’ve thought a lot about this and considered the risks. I think you already know what you want to do but are perhaps hoping for some validation?

From my experience it can work out. In a previous job I met four women who started relationships with men from West Africa. They’ve had a 50% success rate. 2 couples are still together and have been happily living together in the UK for the past 10 years. The men in these relationships are from families that aren’t overly conservative and have welcomed the women without wanting them to convert religion or anything like that. That might make a difference as one couple broke up because the culture clash was just to different for them to get past. The other couple broke up because the man was just using her for money. But you get dicks from every walk of life.

I would say go for it but just keep your eyes wide open and don’t ignore things that make you feel uncomfortable. You only get one life, take a risk every now and then!

DancingLions · 07/04/2025 12:57

they would have to show that there were "insurmountable obstacles" to the relationship continuing in his home country

This is spot on. I know someone this happened to, she showed me the letter from the home office. I was really shocked. She was told they could live in his home country and she could keep in touch with her adult DC in the UK via online methods! They ended up splitting up as he couldn't find a way to stay and she didn't want to leave.

People think all you need to do is get married and job done. But it's a million times harder than that and very expensive.

I don't know if this man's using OP or not. But I wouldn't continue the relationship regardless. Not until his claim is successful and you're on an equal footing. Anything else isn't fair on you or him. The sensible thing to do is keep it friendship only at this point.