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Potential relationship with asylum seeker

132 replies

Taxswellian · 06/04/2025 11:00

Just that really. He is ten years younger. We share a sports hobby which is how we met. Same language. His asylum case is pending. My heart wants it. Small town in the north and think he'll stay here. My own child is an adult and in London so l currently live alone. Acrimonious divorce 5 years ago. Been happily single since. I'm slightly worried about being judged by family etc.

OP posts:
uncomfortablydumb60 · 06/04/2025 15:29

Listen to your head, not your heart
I’m cynical but I’d be wondering if he was hoping a relationship would give him a right to stay

40weeksmummy · 06/04/2025 15:40

No no no and again no.
Don't be stupid, ffs...

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 06/04/2025 15:41

Matcha95 · 06/04/2025 14:24

How do you know be wasn’t on the search for an older “desperate” woman to assist with his visa efforts?

I would be too cynical for it all.

Same here

AxolotlEars · 06/04/2025 15:55

Tell your heart to get a grip!

pompey38 · 06/04/2025 16:13

AgnesX · 06/04/2025 14:41

You do know that a lot of asylum seekers are educated and literate don't you ....

No they’re not , a very small number of them are and they’re definitely not seeking relationships with women 10 yrs older than them

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 06/04/2025 16:16

If his application is unsuccessful, would you join him in his country ?

InSpainTheRain · 06/04/2025 16:16

I'd say do, not pursue it. You are going to get dragged in way too quickly and way too deep. I'd also never be able to put our of my mind that it was for the visa. Sorry OP!

AgnesX · 06/04/2025 16:20

Apart from being pedantic, did you notice that the OP stated that they speak the same language.

She also didn't state the kind of relationship that they have anyway..

springbringshope · 06/04/2025 16:23

Mylovemine · 06/04/2025 14:42

You are a vulnerable person and you will regret this

Why is she vulnerable? Because she’s a woman?
jeez. She’s been happily single for years. She’s not desperate. She likes the man.
it’s like people can not conceive that an asylum seeker might actually be a normal human.
OP I would go into it but with caution because you don’t know the future of his status and that’s a real problem. I don’t see you as some stupid naive weak woman. I suspect you are fully able to be rational

ZigZagJigsaw · 06/04/2025 16:50

MuffinsOrCake · 06/04/2025 14:39

If you offered him marriage, would they give him the visa?

If it’s a spouse visa rather than asylum then the OP needs to earn a set amount c30k from memory, in order to sponsor a non British / Irish spouse. Rules for EU are a bit different. But he’s not from the EU if he’s claiming asylum.

If he’s aiming for asylum then I think having a British spouse would help demonstrate that he is settled here, which makes it harder to deport him.

Either way, an older, desperate woman with an average or above salary is a good bet for him.

WilfredsPies · 06/04/2025 16:50

I think you’d be mad. Utterly mad.

it’s like people can not conceive that an asylum seeker might actually be a normal human 🙄 Of course he’s a normal human. He’s probably a lovely man from a lovely family and I’m sure he has the same dreams, hopes and ambitions for his future as anyone else has. But as normal as he is, he is different from someone who has settled status in the UK. And those differences are potentially going to leave the OP heartbroken and out of pocket.

OP, if you’re going to give it a go, you absolutely must discuss what will happen between you if his application is refused and he is returned to his home country. What are you prepared to do? What is he expecting from you? Will his family be pressuring him to marry someone local if he returns? How old is he? If you speak the same language, are you familiar with his culture? How likely is it that he’s got to his age without already being married? Or will his family accept that he’s in a committed, long distance relationship with a woman he won’t be having children with? If he returns, will he be safe? Can you cope with the worry if he has to leave his home and go into hiding? Or, if he’s perfectly safe at home, with no problems, will you be questioning why he felt the need to claim asylum? Can you trust him if he’s capable of that level of deception?

If he has a solicitor (which is highly likely) who finds out he’s dating you, they’ll obviously want to highlight your relationship. Will you be willing to support his claim to have established Article 8 rights in the UK? Will you be ok with a relationship moving at a much faster pace than you’re happy with? Like him moving in before you’re ready, so he can say he’s in a committed relationship? Will you be happy to stand in an appeal hearing and have to answer questions about your relationship? And what happens if you get together, you support his claim and he’s allowed to stay on the basis of your relationship, and then he scarpers the week after his documents come through. Will you be on the phone to the Home Office, expecting them to take immediate action against him?

Are you prepared to accompany him back to his home country if his application and any subsequent appeal is refused? If not, are you prepared to marry him so you can sponsor any application he makes for a visa as a fiancé or spouse to get him back here permanently? Or sponsor his visa application as a visitor if you don’t want to consider marriage? (bearing in mind that he’ll need to demonstrate he’s a genuine visitor and he has no intention of remaining in the UK after his visa expires) And you’d probably have to help work out how to pay for it as well because visa costs and international travel obviously aren’t cheap. Or are you prepared to visit him in his country once or twice a year and maintain a long distance relationship, knowing that it’ll never progress beyond that point unless you move to be with him?

This man comes with more problems than you can possibly imagine unless you’ve been through it before. And the above are questions that you need answers to before you decide to have a relationship with him, not once you’re in the midst of feeling butterflies and thinking that he’s your Prince Charming.

MissMarplesNiece · 06/04/2025 17:18

My advice is run a mile.

I've known two women who got into relationships with asylum seekers and in neither case did it work out well. One of them is one of my friends and like you is older than the man. My friend is smart, has a good career and has generally got her head screwed on, but her heart overruled her head when she met him. She also spoke the same language as this man and had spent time working in his home country. It was sweetness and light until after they married and then he did a 180 degree change. He didn't work so she supported him. He wanted expensive clothes, took over driving her car which wasn't good enough so she upgraded. She rented a flat which he thought wasnt good enough so she rented bigger and more expensive. She paid for legal advice for him. He spent all day in cafes with men from the same community as him, or going to the gym. He did nothing around the flat even though she worked full time. She had a baby which he said gave him rights to stay in this country. She then found out he was seeing younger women. In fact it turned out that a lot of his friends, even the married ones, had young British girlfriends. It was a dreadful time for her. Her family had warned her about him and they stood by her and helped her untangle herself from him.

The other woman I knew through another friend. She met a man who was a failed asylum seeker but he was waiting for an appeal. She supported him financially, he crashed her car driving it illegally, she worked because he wasn't allowed to. He also spent his time in cafes with his mates while she worked full time and did all the work in the home etc. Her family fell out with her over him and she had no support from them even when she had a baby. She suffered a lot of DV.

I don't think all asylum seekers are the same as these two men and I know there are people who come to this country who have had an horrendous time and who deserve compassion and support. But amongst them are the chancers who will use whatever means they can, even if that means duping women, to survive and thrive in this country. I wouldn't want to take the chance that I was getting romantically entangled with one of them.

Taxswellian · 06/04/2025 17:23

Thanks for all the responses. Sorry for the delay to answering questions. Yes he speaks English, plenty if countries are English speaking. He is educated to university level and will be in a position to earn a decent salary. Re the application. I'm almost certain he will be granted refugee status. No being with him has no effect on this. That's not how it works. And anyway ld never marry again. I'm certainly not desperate. Is ten years really that surprising an age gap? Anyway lots to think about. I appreciate all responses.

OP posts:
Taxswellian · 06/04/2025 17:24

Lol lm fully away of chances and scammers but in all demographics.

OP posts:
Augustus40 · 06/04/2025 17:25

The father of ds, my ex, is 10 years older than me. Nothing unusual at all so far as I know.

Taxswellian · 06/04/2025 17:27

To be very very clear you do not get refugee status by marrying . You get it through genuine fears of persecution in home country. This myth re visa in not relevant to people seeking asylum

OP posts:
UndermyShoeJoe · 06/04/2025 17:40

I don’t think people are saying he would get status by marriage but then he could try for a spouse visa or even use right to family life as an add for his claim.

Basically if it seems too good to be true and there could be devious reasons. Be very very careful.

Breambrune · 06/04/2025 17:44

Taxswellian · 06/04/2025 17:27

To be very very clear you do not get refugee status by marrying . You get it through genuine fears of persecution in home country. This myth re visa in not relevant to people seeking asylum

There is no myth about people trying to seek marriage in order to remain in a country…as my friend will attest, the man she met and married whilst he was illegally here and claiming to be an eu citizen, came out slowly over the relationship that he was not from the eu ,sucked in slowly , after all the hoops she went through , visiting him in the detention centre, even moving elsewhere before being able to both come back to the uk legally as a married couple ( this was some time ago) , he left her within a couple of years . Yes you are being naive as an older woman.

Langdale3 · 06/04/2025 17:47

Heed all the warnings in this thread, but in fact, you are best placed to assess the risk / benefit.

It can be a really long wait until they achieve refugee status, where they are allowed to work / claim benefits. I don’t know what current wait times are like, Labour pledged to process cases faster, but a man I know with a strong case had to wait 9 years. This was about 5 years ago.

During this time they will have no income to speak of and are not allowed to work. You will find yourself paying for almost everything for them beyond the very basics. If you want to share a takeaway or go to the cinema, you will probably have to pay. And they can be moved to different accommodation at short notice, including immigration centres, where visiting them will be difficult. Perhaps you already know this.

He could certainly use your friendship, as it can be a difficult and lonely time during the wait, but be cautious about a relationship.

Glitchymn1 · 06/04/2025 17:50

Date and have fun, but I wouldn’t move him in or get married. But I’d say this if he wasn’t an asylum seeker! Protect yourself financially and protect your heart.

fairgame84 · 06/04/2025 17:53

Spouse visa or unmarried partner visa is a much quicker and easier route than asylum so be mindful that this isn't his plan in getting into a relationship with you.
I say this as someone who's husband is on a spouse visa, the whole visa/immigration process is hard going.

AngelinaFibres · 06/04/2025 17:54

Breambrune · 06/04/2025 11:55

This is a man that is 10 years younger than you?you do realise he is probably hedging his bets by trying to find alternative ways to get a visa? If he is granted asylum then fair enough but please don’t put yourself in that position now.

This. If he can prove he has a 'family' life here it helps his case. Be very very careful.

AngelinaFibres · 06/04/2025 17:56

Taxswellian · 06/04/2025 17:27

To be very very clear you do not get refugee status by marrying . You get it through genuine fears of persecution in home country. This myth re visa in not relevant to people seeking asylum

Please wake up.

Taxswellian · 06/04/2025 17:58

Sorry don't know how to quote. Being married here does NOT effect refugee status applications. Yes ll be careful but lm not silly or desperate. And certainly have no intention of marrying anyone. I don't need to wake up l used to volunteer with ( female) refugees. I know the system, thanks.

Honestly l was thinking he is the vulnerable one.
But l do like him and will proceed with caution.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 06/04/2025 17:59

sorry, OP, wouldn't give it the time of day.

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