Potential relationship with asylum seeker

[Taxswellian]

Just that really. He is ten years younger. We share a sports hobby which is how we met. Same language. His asylum case is pending. My heart wants it. Small town in the north and think he'll stay here. My own child is an adult and in London so l currently live alone. Acrimonious divorce 5 years ago. Been happily single since. I'm slightly worried about being judged by family etc.

Your family's reaction may be less judgement and more genuine concern for you, as they know you well and might see this as out of character and troubling. If you're already defensive enough to be fearful of telling them because of 'judging', it feels like you've got reservations yourself that you're deflecting onto them and don't want to hear. Which might be well founded.

So if you’re sure he’s 100% legit and know everything there is to know about the asylum process as you say, what are you wasting our time for? You’ve made your mind up already. Go for it and hope to hell it doesn’t blow up in your face, I suppose.

There is no such thing in the UK

My concern is his vulnerability . He's from West Africa. His situation is well documented in newspapers so l know it's real. Political situation. He is named. No more kids for me. God no. I suppose my concern is the power dynamic given l am not as vulnerable and yes the assumptions of family who are conservative and have no dealings with other cultures.

Oh come on! Don't fall for it!

Of course he's interested in you, you're his plan b if they don't grant him asylum.

The hobby is running.

Take it one day at a time, enjoy what you have together, try not to overthink the future.

I agree. Enjoy the relationship for what it is right now.

I meant his family situation back home. Some cultures get married and have children young, what if he has family back home

Even if not and even if u don't want or can't have any more children but he might?

Be careful you are not being used. Do not get pregnant.

Kindly OP, your family will just be concerned about you. You have also been through a traumatic divorce by the sounds of it too. I would be equally concerned if my daughter was in your situation.

It’s all too high risk for me I’m afraid.

If he is named and the reason for his asylum application is well known then be his friend op.
If he is vulnerable and you consider him to be so in comparison to yourself you should not pursue a romantic relationship with him but continue to get to know him.
If further down the line ( after he is granted asylum ) and the more you understand about each other seems to suit you can come back to making a move.

There is no rush, you could introduce him to your family slowly, if things change in the future there will be a background relationship so it wouldn't be a surprise, their potential concerns would already be nullified.

It really annoys me when everyone mentions the visa as if the only thing you have to offer is this. Whilst this is true in some cases, where the partner Is considerably older in most cases in my experience it's not. I have several friends who married a foreigner and have been together many years happy. I would have no issues being with someone claiming Asylum, they are human and have human wants and desires like all of us. Just take it slow and see where it goes, if it works out great and if doesn't enjoy the time you have together. No regrets just lessons.
talking of west Africa, I know Gambia was colonised by the English, was part of the commonwealth and speak English as a first language. I know many Gambians here who are happily married to English ladies. So many English men are complete arseholes some are good its the same with all nationalities.

The main issues with power dynamics is if you’re him because you like the fact that he’s vulnerable and you’re in a more powerful position than him.

As long as you’re not controlling or enjoying the fact that he’s vulnerable, then I can’t see anything to worry about.

I think you are over thinking things at this point. Just enjoy getting to know each other and cross the other bridges if/ when they arise

Lots of asylum seekers pursue relationships with British residents to help secure a visa through marriage. This is not a myth.

There are also plenty of British women who enjoy relationships with asylum seekers / economic migrants because they can attract a better looking / younger partner than they would normally and because they like the idea of themselves as a saviour / rescuer. This is also not a myth and was a key point of discussion among those who volunteer in Calais camps.

Odds on a middle aged West African man will have a wife and family back home.

OP: Should I do this thing?
Everyone: No, don't do it, you would be mad to do it!
OP: Well here are all of the reasons you are wrong, I'm going to do it anyway!
Make sure you mention Mumsnet when they film you for the documentary!

I know many Gambians here who are happily married to English ladies.

Sex tourism among older European women exploiting younger African men is very well established. Gambia, Tunisia, Egypt, Morocco etc. You can delude yourself it's a wonderful romance across cultural barriers (indeed I do know a couple of ones that lasted) but it's primarily for economic reasons.

Completely agree with all of that.

Personally I would never be able to get past the possibility, however slight, that I was being groomed purely because that man knew he'd be wise to secure himself a lasting relationship with someone with a nice home and some money. Sometimes I am sure these men don't even see it in such cynical terms as that. They probably want a relationship anyway so of course it's a win/win for them, if they can find someone they can be happy with and it makes them safer from deportation.

But even if an asylum seeker felt I was someone he could genuinely love and be with long term, that deep down fear that I was being used as a means to an end would mean I'd never really trust him or believe he was with me for the right reasons. And that's no basis for a relationship.

Plus, as you say, the chances of him already having a wife and family back home is very high.

Yes, you have to ask yourself why on earth all these charming, handsome young men who could resumably have their pick of women their own age would want to saddle themselves to much older women who cannot even give them children, don't you?

Maybe OP was born here but her family speak Arabic eg….same as the asylum seeker.

OP how is it that you've met this man through running and you just happen to have worked in an area closely related to immigration and asylum? Is that pure coincidence, or is this running group somehow connected to your job or some voluntary work that you do with asylum seekers? Have you deliberately put yourself in an environment where you are meeting and mixing with asylum seekers in a social or professional capacity, or both?

I’m obviously nowhere near cautious enough, but I think you have to take happiness where you find it.

I was terribly worried when my 21 year old daughter got together with a 30 year old man, but three years on, it’s working. She’s been through an awful lot in her life (like your man has, although very different circumstances) and is mentally far older than her years.

I wish you every happiness

I was thinking this. One near us was moved over 200 miles at 8 months pregnant with less than 48 hours notice.

You need to be looking at this with your head not your heart. You are a good "catch" for him, you are a middle age divorcee, you have a home, money and are a citizen of a country that he is hoping to be given the right to settle in, what is he bring to this relationship?
You don't want to tell your family because you know that this "relationship" is sheer bloody madness. Of course he wants to be with you, you are his future to wealth until he doesn't need you any more.