Why the hell do SOME mums feel they can say anything they like to a daughter and be so critical ?

[Mycatisanevilgenius]

Why on Earth do they do it ?

it is because they see her as some sort of extension to their self so they can be as mean to her as they are themselves ?

just been out with a friend and we took her mum along, straight away the mum says to her, oh you need to cover your knees, they dont look good as you get older oh and your arms …

Then said oh you need to make sure your moisturising your neck while pulling a 🤨🤨face

seriously I bet she’d never say that to another person

I find I have to limit my contact with my mum as she can be a nightmare

but it stuck me this am
this
doesn’t seem to be a rare thing

so why do they do it ?

sad to say both of us didn’t say much
and I feel bad like I should I have stuck to for her more
I only piped up with something like oh you look fab in your summer dress

I think some of it is seeing the daughter as an extension of themselves.

I think some older generation mothers were very looks obsessed. You needed to maximise your body and face to "get a man" or "keep a man" 🙄.

Either way, it's not nice behaviour and seriously affects a woman's self esteem/self worth.

Because they are not good people.

Some women trade on their looks and as they fade they see other women as competition to be destroyed.
I know this from experience unfortunately BUT when it came to my DD not only did I never do it (maybe because being attractive to men wasn't my be all and end all) BUT I didn't tolerate it from my Mum either.
Its unfortunate because my Mum really did love DD but DD mostly remembers being told she looked awful, albeit in a much less direct and more sly way.

It could be a mixture of things: that's the way they were spoken to, ideas about how women should look or behave, anxiety or insecurity.

It must be, because I swear they wouldn’t speak to another woman that way

I’m sad I didn’t stick up for her enough but it’s so hard in the moment when your basically just shocked

My mum is like this, but it doesn’t bother me tbh. She’s the one person I can trust to give me an honest opinion!

What did you do and say to her to not tolerate it ?
I did say I think you look lovely in your summer dress

but even after that the neck comment came so doesn’t appear my comment registered or stopped her in anyway

just suprised me how common this is

My own mother (who is a good person and whom I love very much ) was like this a lot when I was younger (and yes it very much affected my self esteem) she was very looks and appearances and 'caring what others thought' obsessed. My whole family were very much of the mindset of "finding a man"- that was the life aim.

Luckily, I forged my own path. Self esteem never fully recovered, but Is much better these days. I'd also never ever do it to my own daughter. She has very good self esteem so far.

I did forgive my mum though. I think she was just parroting everything she'd been taught herself. They didn't mix far outside of their own family either, so no room for other ideas, thoughts and opinions. They weren't so educated and Informed of the psychology behind their words back then. I see no benefit in holding a grudge and my mum did actually "grow out of it " and stop doing it as i reached full adulthood. I think deep down she did learn that it was a mistake to be critical of a young girls appearance. She's more likely to compliment me these days , so I've decided to move on from it. It does leave lasting damage though unfortunately to how you view yourself.

Yeah but you could visibly see how it took the wind out of her sails

she turned up smoky bright happy, hair done, dress on

and then as soon as she said that
I saw her deflate a bit

This is why I hate any kind of 'but you should do x because it's family' or 'you shouldn't do you because family' attitude.
This is why when people moan about 'everyone going no contact over nothing these days" and 'blaming their parents over wverything' i think, possibly because they've been brought up in a society where for some reason it's seen as absolutely fine, if someone is blood related to you, for them to speak to you and/or treat you worse than a colleague or a friend or a stranger, for them to have expectations of you as a person simply because by accident of birth you are related - it's NUTS. We have been indoctrinated by the cult of family into thinking family should mean we don't need to try as hard to treat people well, and there are people out there breaking free of it and I applaud every single bloody one of them.

My DM used to do this, when I said I thought it was rude, she replied that as we're family we could say things like that.
However she wasn't very keen if I did the same to her.

I didn’t know what to say esp as it wasn’t said to me, and it’s not my mother
but damnnit was awkward and horrible and left me feeling yuk

i mean what do you even say as a bystander

I just used to say things like "I don't think so Mother" or "I think she looks lovely"
We also used to turn it into a joke behind her back and give "Grandma style" compliments to take the sting out of it.
I think it is actually quite common - we were at a Uni open Day with DD last year and she met another girl who came to speak to us. This girl said DD was nice and when I said we thought she was great the girl was incredulous that we would say something nice about DD in front of her. Poor kid attached herself to me all day (bit of a pain TBH) but she kept telling me she couldn't believe how nice I was when I am really not over the top or gushing.
The girls Mum came to meet her at the end of the day and started on her straight away for bothering people, I told her Mum it had been a pleasure and her DD was lovely. Her Mum just rolled her eyes.

And as for saying her knees and arms should be covered

I mean what should she do, go around in a giant paper bag and cover her face too, I mean if her arms are offensive then how dare the face be shown ?!

she only early 50s too not that should matter anyway

I’m wondering if it’s also not only seeing daughters as some sort of extension of themselves
it’s something to do with control

I think some older generation mothers were very looks obsessed. You needed to maximise your body and face to "get a man" or "keep a man"
This. Like when they comment on not having lost weight straight after giving birth saying they came home from hospital in clothes they wore before pregnant.

I don't think there's too much you can do to be honest. She obviously completely lacks insight into her own behaviour. If you get your friend feeling the offence of it, and she challenges her mother, she'll likely be the type to label her daughter as "tut tut, you're so sensitive"

By all means tell her the mother is full of nonsense and praise her up. But this dynamic will be deeply rooted. You won't change the mother. Your friend obviously accepts her for what she is to invite her out with you.

I think the key is to almost pity them for their ignorance (because it's not usually well rounded life experienced people that do this ) and "rise above " it. Realise their silliness has no bearing on her. That's much easier said than done though

Yeah, my mum has absolutely no qualms in giving a detailed critique of my personal appearance and presentation at every possible occasion.

We’ve been out for family meals before where there’s ten of us, my mum and I the only women, mum herself won’t be wearing make up, neither will any of the blokes (obviously) but she’ll point out to the whole table that I’ve dark bags on my eyes and should be making more effort with my appearance by wearing make up. These days I’ll just ask her out loud in front of everyone why it is only my face that is unacceptable and so desperately needs to be covered up with make up, and that the other 9 people at the table (her included) get a free pass to exist?

She can’t answer that, so she tells me I’m being a bit prickly/spikey/sensitive in a really mocking patronising way.

At one point, I would keep a pack of make up wipes in my car, so if I pulled up at her house to visit and I had chosen to wear make up that day for my own reasons/activities then I’d sit in my car and remove it all before I went in to see her 🤣

What’s also crazy is that now I’ve lost half my body weight and I’m 6ft and a size 12 - she gives me so much more grace with the rest of my presentation, I’m allowed to be a bit unkempt or tousled now, because of course being tall, slim and striking compensates for so much in her eyes.

It’s all so fucked up.

I think women get it in the neck from all angles. It’s also partly generational, and not just mums who do it

My elderly Dad is obsessed with me and my sister’s weight. As is his partner. A visit does not go by without him observing whether we’ve put it on / taken it off etc regardless of whether we actually have (he’s overweight btw). And will say things like you’d be happier slimmer, or how dies DH feel about your weight (I’m tall and sz 16 for reference)

Note: he’s constantly offering food too - the f’ing irony!

i have to remind him that under no circumstances is he allowed to comment on my 2 daughters’ weight (teens). If I forget to remind him they get the same treatment

Not unusual too for him to have the TV on and there to be a constant stream of commentary about how ugly / fat various female presenters are

the male ones could look like a deformed toad and he still wouldn’t mention them

i love him but in this regard he’s a massive twat (and I tell him so). It’s been a source of quite a lot of pain, tension and unhappiness for me throughout my life . And he doesn’t even get it

if my mum was alive she’d be doing the same thing. She was very judgy. What’s all that make-up?! You look like a slut. Why aren’t you wearing makeup? You look like you’ve made no effort.

I’ve had these comments about my weight even when i was a sz 8

You're right it's so fucked up isn't it!?

I love the fact you purposely removed your make up 😂

I've had some corkers whilst young.

Told off for being "short" and questioning why I was short when they both weren't (seriously !)

Told off for having "stocky legs" "just like your dad's side , not like mine !" Laughing and scoffing.

"You'll be a size 16 like your nanna you will !" Said to 12 yr old me. Bulimia got me down to a size 8.

"Oh god, you've got a horrible side profile like me! "

"Oh god! You shouldn't have cellulite at your age!" (Pear shaped going through the throws of puberty) Mum apple shaped.

"Your legs look like bloody great ham hocks!" (Said whilst watching me jogging to try to lose weight aged 13)

God I could write a book.

I have forgiven her though. I genuinely think it was ignorance mainly and just parroting previous generations crap.

It's bloody harmful though and wouldn't dream of criticizing my own daughter like that !!!!!

As I say, I shouldn't really bang on about it as she genuinely has stopped it these days.

My mum was the opposite - if I couldn't decide what to wear to an event, her stock phrase was 'no one will be looking at you', which also wasn't great for self-esteem 😄

It did keep the clothes budget down - when 'no one would be looking at me', there was no need for me to have Levis, C&A jeans were just the same!

My MIL started in my DD when she was young, we rarely see her now and that's mainly because she's got a ticking timebomb so could die any moment so we placate DH as it's his mum (he knows too but feels he needs to at least see her for as short a time as possible). If she starts when we're there, we leave

I was raised in an all male house hold so did not have a mother to say anything to me.
Only when i saw her on visit days and i hated it.

My aunt does this, she's a bloody nightmare.

I was so proud of my DB, who was a teen at the time, when he went to bat for my lovely cousin when Aunt told her she had 'thunder thighs' in a dress - she was a teen girl who was a very talented athlete!

He told cousin she looked fantastic, and aunt that she was 'fucking rude' and that he'd have nothing to do with her if she was his mother.

It did rather put her back in her box!

I honestly think you have to go nuclear - not 'oh that's not very nice' or 'I don't agree' but 'how dare you be so rude, that's incredibly offensive and I'm going to leave now, I'm not going to be spoken to like that.'