Why the hell do SOME mums feel they can say anything they like to a daughter and be so critical ?

[Mycatisanevilgenius]

Why on Earth do they do it ?

it is because they see her as some sort of extension to their self so they can be as mean to her as they are themselves ?

just been out with a friend and we took her mum along, straight away the mum says to her, oh you need to cover your knees, they dont look good as you get older oh and your arms …

Then said oh you need to make sure your moisturising your neck while pulling a 🤨🤨face

seriously I bet she’d never say that to another person

My mum never did this to me, but used to be horribly critical about other women's physical appearance. As an adult I pulled her up on it a couple of times, and to her credit she mostly stopped it.

A lot of women are obsessed with their weight & then project that onto their daughters.

My mum is quite critical but often correct & she does compliment.

It’s always aimed at daughters as well

I think some fathers are harsh on sons though.

My Mum wasn't like this at all but I think she wasn't typical for her generation from what I hear. My MIL is quite restrained with me - i can tell she's desperate to comment but stops herself - she says things like 'you look lovely, all made up' to mean I should wear make up more, or 'those trousers look, er, comfy' so I just ignore her. She's very critical of other women though and I do pick her up on it. Women who criticise each other's looks, expecially mothers to daughters, are the absolute worst. I expect a lot was made of her looks by her own mother and she's never questioned it.

Lord alot of these were said to me as well- word for word in some cases!

My mother has always been very concerned with appearances for the benefit of other people. So if I ever transgressed in some way- like not reacting to something in the manner she thought I ought; or not making her look good in some weay (usually by appearances but also achievements) she would get verbally and occasionally violently abusive.

I'm 52 now and a few years back gave up my job as a solicitor. Even now she cannot tell anyone I am mostly retired and doing temp agency work (admin, retail etc) when I feel like it- she pretends I am a high level legal consulltant and makes up complete bollocks. Like this week I was in Oxford for a mini break but she told everyone I was lecturing at the university. She;s too ashamed of me otherwise. She lives in a completely different country and before I visit or she visits I cut out the size tags in my clothes because she is disapproving. And once she cancelled a family get together because I was now 13 stone and she said to me ' I did not think you'd want them to see you like this'.

My mum makes terrible comments to me about my ‘shape’ and has done since I was a size 8 teenager and apparently ‘well-covered’ I.e. fat. Wrecked my self confidence and gave me bulimia. I still can’t bear to look at my body in the mirror - it’s like it doesn’t belong to me (especially now I’m overweight and mid fifties). I have never commented negatively on my children’s looks - I tell them they are beautiful and look fantastic if they ask me. And I don’t talk about my own weight in front of them. Society does enough to make women and girls feel bad about themselves (and I can’t protect my children from all of that, unfortunately) but they are fucking well not getting a complex about their bodies from me.

She says the odd thing about my girls but I ignore any comments about their bodies and tell her I think they look lovely and can wear what they want. I tell the children to ignore any harsh comments but I should really have distanced myself from her the instant she started. Have no idea why she’s like it because she is a very kind, loving, caring person. - it’s almost like she thinks it’s her duty to point things out.

I honestly think the day I started weighing more than her was the happiest day of her life.

Envy. Narcissism. Automatic repetition of patterns from their own childhood. General meanness.
Pick one or all of the above (usually all of them go together).

I'm sorry 💐🙏
The good thing is I bet you are consciously unlike them with your own children. Or, at least, you can be. Because you are aware.

Oh yes then the tell if reply ohhh you’re. So sensitive

I mean what’s a good response to that ?
i’m not sensitive you’re just rude ?!
Seems so like they’ve got you triggered

you know what made me the most sad about this morning tho, she turned up literally so bright and bouncy
sun had out a spring in her step
and I was like honestly like, I saw the light in her eyes dim a little, right in front of me 🥺💔❤️‍🩹

Yes I am completely different with my children.

I had my first when I was 37 and fell into deep PND. Because all of a sudden I was thinking about my upbringing and thinking; 'How could she have treated me like that?'. It was having my own child that made me realise how fucked up it was.

Once when I was under a huge amount of work related stress I heard my mother's berating words come out of my mouth with my child when he dropped a glass and smashed it everywhere. I was SO shocked that the next day I put myself into counselling and that was actually the trigger that made me leave my very toxic workplace. I realised that when stressed I parroted what I had heard growing up and I made it my mission to never ever again replicate her 'parenting'.

@BlossBurger yes they do think it's their duty. I think it's because they're so egocentric they don't quite understand that others have their own identity. Everything revolves around them and they usually manipulate everyone else's relationships in very unnerving and odd ways.

My mum didn't comment too much on my appearance because I was slim and wore makeup. Not sure if she commented on my sister's appearance but she developed an eating disorder in her teens....then went on to constantly criticise my appearance.

It’s a classic isn’t it. I used to get ’everyone else is thinking it, they just won’t say it to your face.’ ‘I’m just looking out for you’ (while making me feel so low about myself).

And don’t forget ‘if I could go back to your age I’d stay as slim as possible, you’re going to look back and regret this so much’ any time you have white bread or a second helping.

For those saying it’s generational, parroted from previous generations, why then are there also so many comments from women saying they wouldn’t dream of doing it to their children? Genuinely interested in whether there is a shift and if so what that is? Media is now more inclusive but it was horrendous in the 90’s.

Yes, my mom was like this when I was a teenager. It was awful. Now I think she was jealous of me and of my looks when I was becoming a woman. She kept criticising me in front of dad when I was there and also behind closed doors. Once she even did that in front of my friend. Especially, every time I bought some clothing the colour or length of she didn't approve of. She criticised my hair all the time (I have difficult, half-curly, fluffy hair) and hated it when I wore it down, and not pinned together in a plait or a pony. She commented on my skin and even on my breasts (!) Like she was trying really hard to find a flaw in me and make other notice it. Luckily, I don't have daughters.

I think I do have a different attitude towards our children these days. As a former teacher, I saw a distinct shift in the 1990s, especially around the time of The Human Rights Act.

Your poor friend OP. I bet she went home feeling so hurt and upset. When people are bright and smiley and high vibe it lifts everyone around them. We should all be wearing lovely dresses and showing our knees if we want to. I hope your comments made her feel a little better.

I'm forever being told I'm in the wrong for going nc with my narcissistic mother

'But she's your mum!'

Why the hell should I put up with comments like 'ugh,you need to loose some pork' (I'm a size 14,she's a size 28/30)

'Your feet are massive' (same size as her feet)

'That dress/skirt/trousers make your arse/tits/arms look massive' (if i dared to wear anything even a tiny bit tight,better than the shapeless dresses she wears)

'You don't suit that outfit' (see above)

'You are really ugly with make up on' (she's never worn it in her life)

'You need to wear make up to look nice' (see above)

Your hair doesn't suit that new cut/colour (she's always had the same cut since she was little)

I coloured my hair different colours over the years 'oh for fuck sake,that colour washes you out/makes you look old/makes you look like a prostitute' (???)

(I went grey) 'ugh you look so old' (same as her hair colour'

'Your tits are too small and your legs are too fat,you get that from your father' (she was a massive woman herself,but my father is a beanpole)

'That handbag makes your arse look fat and dulls your eyes' (never did understand that one)

'What do you look like?'

'You need a better bra as your tits are saggy' (new,freshly fitted bra but hers was just a cheap,saggy and ill fitting bra that supported nothing)

This,combined with her nasty actions made me go nc

It's like she wanted a dd that looked like the image she had in her head (a carbon copy of herself) and unfortunately I'm not it-i take after my father

But I'm the one in the wrong for telling her to fuck off

She wouldn't dream of saying any of this to my brothers

Yes, I have an overly critical mother too. It's one of the reasons I am low contact.

Apparently I am too old to be wearing my hair this long, or I was until alzheimers kicked in and now its 'lovely'

I love my mum to bits, she’s fab, but she can be like this sometimes.
“Are you going out with your hair like that?”/“That dress is very short.”/“You’ve got a little ladder in your tights.”/“I’m worried the shape of your coat bulks you out too much,”/“That jumper is very bright…maybe too bright?” She always says it with a smile and in a jokey way but it still really pisses me off. I always snap back and say no one else I know feels a need to comment on my appearance the way she does. Then she just laughs it off and says she’s joking..:but it’s not really a joke is it!

No idea but quite frankly my mother never ever said anything to me like that and I equally say nothing like that to my daughter. She's 10 and at this age they are so self conscious, the only thing I would say is, oh you've got such and such you need to wipe your mouth, or a snotty nose/ear wax visible, basic shit like that. Not, oh you're legs are too short u must cover them! Can u imagine!

My mams the same. Shes not so direct sometimes and will say things like “my neighbour asked me what on earth has Northeastmammy done to her hair!” When really she’s saying her opinion but making up someone else has said it. Drives me mad! Any good news I have she’s not supportive. Always thinks she’s had it hard and doesnt like how I’ve made my life better with hard work than she did. I wish I had better support from her but I focus now on being the mam I should have had towards my daughter. Baffles me how some women treat their daughters to say what they want! I look at my 10 year old daughter and could not say the things that have been said to me!

Bloody good for your DB, taking on your Aunt like that.👍

Different reasons I think.

Some people have kids because they've given up on themselves and their own flaws and want a restart. Once the kids start to get a bit older and they realise that no one is a perfect flawless human being (and the kids have inherited a lot of their genetic traits they were trying to escape) they have that disappointment that they felt in themselves resurface and try to make things "perfect".

Some people see their family as representative members of an organisation and want each member to be representing to what they see as the highest standard as they're representing the whole group.

Some people it's a deep insecurity from being treated like that themselves and it's an ongoing cycle.

My mum used to secretly throw my clothes away if they didn't have sleeves or were pale colours because she thought I was too fat to wear them.

@SquashedMallow and @BlossBurger - I feel your pain. Another one here who grew up being constantly told how chunky I was and how she (DM) and DGM (her mum) had such tiny waists and had always been so "lovely and slim" - whilst getting offended if you didn't eat the cake they had made.

Seven years of bulimia later I vowed that if I had DC I would never, ever make them feel conscious of their weight or general appearance. I can still remember the day my mother looked me up and down (probably at the age of 12) and said "well I suppose we had better get you a bra, my girl" in a disapproving voice, as though I had done something wrong by developing breasts. I am 56 now and it still has the power to upset me.

DM is in her mid 80s now and so judgemental about everyone. I have stopped taking her out for coffee or lunch because of her "there are so many overweight people here" monologues said in an exceptionally loud voice.

I made a conscious decision when I had my DDs that I would never comment on my weight or appearance in a negative way, and certainly never comment negatively on their bodies or appearance.

It's so awful and much as I have tried to "forgive " I don't think I ever will. It's taken me the best part of 40 years to reach a place where I am comfortable in my body. The other thing is that looking back I was probably a size 12 when I had my eating disorder.