Why the hell do SOME mums feel they can say anything they like to a daughter and be so critical ?

[Mycatisanevilgenius]

Why on Earth do they do it ?

it is because they see her as some sort of extension to their self so they can be as mean to her as they are themselves ?

just been out with a friend and we took her mum along, straight away the mum says to her, oh you need to cover your knees, they dont look good as you get older oh and your arms …

Then said oh you need to make sure your moisturising your neck while pulling a 🤨🤨face

seriously I bet she’d never say that to another person

@Poppymeldrum

She wouldn't dream of saying any of this to my brothers

You can bet your sweet life on it. My Granny was 4.11 both ways and blessed with a sister who was a slim little doll, quite a burden in the early 20th century, when clothes suited first, dainty Edwardians, then Daisy Buchanan types. Granny was reliable and conscientious. She could manage a household on a shoestring. She was a great cook and she loved to read. She was her own person But instead of learning from her experience of being devalued, she saddled my mother and her two sisters with her baggage about weight and looks. They were all lovely young women, not that it would have been OK if they looked like blobfish. And they all grew up thinking they weren't good enough. My uncle? He swanned into adulthood and thereafter like some sort of deity. Why is it that respect is the default setting for sons, while parents think they can say what they like to their daughters?

I just thought of more deranged shit my mother does; steals my selfies from my own insta/socials, to edits them in Facetune with AI, and then reposts them on her Facebook saying “my beautiful daughter” 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Absolutely lost her mind.

Coupled with telling me (when I was struggling with infertility) - “I don’t know why you’re so bothered about having children anyway, they don’t thank you for it”.

I get 'oh you've got a big spot' wheneve ir I have one!

My granny thought there were standards to maintain & going out looking slovenly with bitten nails & a stained tracksuit for lunch etc not on. There’s a line, is this the wrong attitude? She was an elegant icon who never commented on looks or weight but poise, yes & appropriateness of dress.

My mother was like this and always asked have you put weight on(I hadn’t) and have you dyed your hair it looks really ginger, I almost never colour my hair and I don’t know what she thought was wrong with red hair. Also got told I was so sensitive if I bit back , made sure I never did the same to my own daughter , it’s a complete lack of any filter when their mouth is open

My mother did this until the day she died aged 94. One of the last things she said to me was ‘You’re fat’ - she knew that I was on hefty doses of steroids and quite unwell.
I had low self esteem for my entire life, it’s not going to change now I’m 72.
The only thing I learned was to never ever behave like her towards my DCs.

My mam used to do this so I repeatedly told her not to comment on my appearance unless i specifically asked. Any time she made a remark I would say not interested in your opinion thanks and then she would say i was hurting her feelings. She did really try as I got older to be less critical but she found it so hard not to say something. There's a comedian jarlath regan who does videos about things mammys say and it's so accurate 😂

Equally. Possibly it's only your mum that tells you the absolute truth ?

I remember my Mum always telling me to hold my stomach in. When i was a child
what was that all about?

I think women were far more preoccupied with manners & standards in times past. Not all of it bad. In some way the lyrics of ‘Keep Young & Beautiful’ sum up the pressure felt.

Why on earth would anyone think that negative opinion they hold about another person's appearance is so vitally important it must be heard regardless of how it will make the receiver feel. If a mother was really concerned about, for example, her child's eating habits, and that they were getting obsese, wouldn't they sit their child down quietly and say 'darling, I'm worried about you' and then leave it be as the message was already delivered, not a lifetime of some off hand 'you're fat' comments. Absolutely ridiculous to suggest that its done for anyone's benefit. I strongly suspect mothers like these say these things because they don't feel 'heard' elsewhere in their lives.

Totally agree - if your mum can't say it, who can?

My mum used to tell me if I'd put a bit of weight on ir an outfit didn't look great. I'd storm off saying I didn't care but would always get changed! 😁

Yes, my mum and her friend are like that. They do have friends of their age who aren't like that. They are more intelligent than my mum and her friend. Unfortunately I was an ugly duckling whereas my mum was good looking and she could be very unkind about my looks

I think a lot of women are actually very jealous of their daughters, whether they are willing to admit it to themselves or not.

All those Mums who have been strict, critical even, do seem to have happy &’successful daughters. I do think there’s a line between treading on eggshells & ‘telling it like it is’.

I can only answer for my mother. She has somehow never quite grasped that I'm not her, or an aspect of her, so she doesn't grasp that I have different priorities, and that 'not offending other people by the sight of my 52 year old knees' or whatever, isn't high up my list of priorities, especially not when I'm finishing a book.

Why on earth would telling your daughter to cover her knees and arms as 'they don't look nice as you get older' be at all likely to create a happy and/or successful daughter? It's pure internalised misogyny.

The current generation of young adult women is much more looks obsessed than any previous generation.

Not that, obviously.

That’s a good point. Social media (?) Back to 50s?

I did a 40 hour flight, thousands of pounds, to go look after my mother.

It was precisely 72 hours before the constant picking at my behaviour, my looks, and my life began.

I was seriously impressed. I didn't think she'd hold out more than 24 hours.

That is so true!!!!!* *
My mother is appalling when it comes to criticism and it has given me a major complex that I'm only just recovering from that's taken alot of work.

@Daisyvodka and @AngryLikeHades some close friends especially those with w critical mother possibly internalise this too? One I haven’t seem for a year greeted me with ‘nice blouse, shame it’s dirty’.

This is another classic I got !!!

"Oh you've got a massive pluker on your chin !" Said with horror !

"Oh whatever is the matter with your face?! " Tut tut (whenever I had a hormonal acne outbreak ) it was like it was my fault !!

The worst one is comparing me unfavourably to a relative of my dad's that apparently I was "just like" both physically and personality wise. My mum made it very very obvious she hated this person and was very much a family "reject". So how she thought constantly comparing me to her was going to make me feel I don't know !?

Anyway - I'm sorry to all the lovely women on this thread that have also had their self esteem dragged through a hedge backwards during their formative years , but then told how "sensitive " they were 🙄. Thank goodness it seems to be dying a death in modern times to behave like that.

I thought I was the only one who had that from their mum.

I did see the funny side of it years later when we were shopping for my wedding dress and she told me to hold my stomach in and my diaphragm up.

The wedding shop assistant (probably the same age as DM) told her to stop picking on me!