Page 5 | Why the hell do SOME mums feel they can say anything they like to a daughter and be so critical ?

ChiliFiend · 05/04/2025 09:27

HarLace1 · 04/04/2025 13:18

No idea but quite frankly my mother never ever said anything to me like that and I equally say nothing like that to my daughter. She's 10 and at this age they are so self conscious, the only thing I would say is, oh you've got such and such you need to wipe your mouth, or a snotty nose/ear wax visible, basic shit like that. Not, oh you're legs are too short u must cover them! Can u imagine!

Same, I think she's beautiful and I tell her all the time. Just as my mother did to me. It must be hard to break the cycle when it's ingrained; I'm glad this one isn't one I have to deal with. As if women don't have enough on our plates already without hearing this awful, demeaning, patriarchal crap from our own mothers.

FrenchandSaunders · 05/04/2025 09:42

“Letting yourself go” … haven’t heard that for years! Took me right back to the 70s picturing my mum standing in the kitchen with a slice of nibble, refusing to eat the meal she’d prepared for the rest of the family.

She was such a mixed bag, so feminist for her generation and women can do anything kind of mindset but she still got drawn into the whole slim/looks thing.

SquashedMallow · 05/04/2025 09:59

Another one. Mine used to come out with all these cringey things to both me and my SIL , "come on, let the girl go, she's got to go home and get tea for her man " (vomit ) "you best go, I expect your man will be waiting for his tea".

My SIL luckily started coming out with some very point proving feminist opinions, quite subtly , but the hint was most definitely conveyed

The frustrating thing is my mum then started acting like my SIL way of thinking was new to both of us and "rubbing it in my face" : "Sarah doesn't cook every day. sam help her. It's how it should be isn't it. Your dad cooks chilli at the weekends " with heavy 'its just YOU who is stuck in the traditional model. 🙄🙄🙄. I was always secretly rolling my eyes, but unlike my SIL, I didn't challenge/counteract her. But SIL (as brothers wife) will be respected. I'd have gotten the "sensitive" bollocks - hence not bothering to say anything!

mbosnz · 05/04/2025 10:03

My mother is 'sure' my sister having an eating disorder is down to Dad being very conscious about his own weight - he was pre-diabetic, and told he had to maintain his weight at a certain level, so of course he was!

My sister is VERY damned sure that her eating disorder was triggered (she was the pretty one you see, that was her whole identity, wrapped up and given to her in a neat little package) by Mum grabbing her tummy when she was sat down as a teen, and cackling away, saying 'you've got a fat roll'!

Bitch.

My friend was told by her mother, very matter of factly, 'it's a good thing you're smart, because you're never going to catch a man with your looks'.

One of the things that most hurt with my mother was her remark when she was told about her father sexually abusing me for a prolonged period (he was a serial paedophile), 'if only this town had prostitutes'. I was seven. To this day, out of all the things she has said and done, I don't know why this one broke me so much. She has said, before and since, so much worse. I mean, she was pissed off that her friend and neighbour beat her to it when it came to telling me I was a mistake, and how hard she tried to abort me! Again, I was seven. Bad year, seven.

QueefQueen80s · 05/04/2025 10:21

MidnightMeltdown · 04/04/2025 11:00

My mum is like this, but it doesn’t bother me tbh. She’s the one person I can trust to give me an honest opinion!

Too much honesty can quickly turn to cruelty. There’s no need to be like that.

SquashedMallow · 05/04/2025 12:02

QueefQueen80s · 05/04/2025 10:21

Too much honesty can quickly turn to cruelty. There’s no need to be like that.

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Absolutely.

Also, what is the benefit of pointing out and criticizing something a daughter can literally do absolutely nothing about ?(leg shape, height, etc)

Wheech · 05/04/2025 12:14

Mycatisanevilgenius · 04/04/2025 11:09

I’m wondering if it’s also not only seeing daughters as some sort of extension of themselves
it’s something to do with control

I think you're right. My mum still does this to me. She'll tell me I look tired, focus on a spot or a bit of rosacea, or in my (mostly immaculate) home zoom in on the tiniest bit of outstanding DIY or speck of dust, "That door handle is loose" as though I hadn't noticed. It's quite demoralising as I'm very proud of keeping the show on the road the way I do as a single parent with a successful career. The extension of self and control thing rings very true, like I belong to her and normal social rules don't apply.

QueefQueen80s · 05/04/2025 12:29

SquashedMallow · 05/04/2025 12:02

Absolutely.

Also, what is the benefit of pointing out and criticizing something a daughter can literally do absolutely nothing about ?(leg shape, height, etc)

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Exactly.. I can’t imagine saying one hurtful thing like that to my kids, parents are meant to be our safe place! Not full of poisonous insults. No wonder some people are mentally fucked up

Wornouttoday · 05/04/2025 13:10

@mbosnz Absolutely heartbreaking to read your post, especially the final paragraph.

I hope your life is peaceful now 💐

mbosnz · 05/04/2025 13:28

Wornouttoday · 05/04/2025 13:10

@mbosnz Absolutely heartbreaking to read your post, especially the final paragraph.

I hope your life is peaceful now 💐

Thank you @Wornouttoday . That is so kind!

It's a lot more peaceful. She's still her, but she's mellowed a bit, and lost a lot of her power to hurt me, thank you to my DH and amazing daughters. 12,000 miles helps a whole hell of a lot too, lol. Sorry for the dump. It was very cathartic!

Unsquaredancer · 05/04/2025 13:44

Christ Alive @mbosnz - that's sounds unbearable and I am shocked (probably naively) that people can be so cruel to those who are closest to them.

Good on you for coming through such an upbringing and having a loving family of your own. You must be a warrior queen ❤️.

I understand how pps are saying that our mothers were a product of their time and own upbringing but I don't think that excuses their actions completely. (Certainly not in cases of extreme cruelty as @mbosnz has described).

You don't have to follow your parents example- you can actively choose to do things differently but it is hard. I have tried to bring up my DDs differently in certain ways, for example telling them I love them and hugging them (things that weren't part of my childhood). It definitely didn't come naturally to me and at times felt very awkward and alien, which in itself is quite screwed up when I think about it. Thankfully DH's family are much more demonstrative which has helped to rub off some of my sharp corners.

TicklishMintDuck · 05/04/2025 16:23

My mum’s like this. I get on with her mostly, but she will comment without thinking about my weight and how I look.

PollyCreo · 05/04/2025 16:35

It's horrible. My mum's nowhere near as bad as as some on here but she's never once given me a compliment on my appearance.

I've lost 4 stone over the past 2 years (it was tough due to cancer treatment and steroids etc), I reached my goal weight around Christmas and all she could say was "You've lost enough now, don't lose any more". No well done or you look great etc 🙄 Even when my hair was growing back after chemo she criticised the style I had it in.

Her own mother was very cold and unloving so I guess she's incapable of being kind to me 🤷

PollyCreo · 05/04/2025 17:35

mbosnz · 05/04/2025 10:03

My mother is 'sure' my sister having an eating disorder is down to Dad being very conscious about his own weight - he was pre-diabetic, and told he had to maintain his weight at a certain level, so of course he was!

My sister is VERY damned sure that her eating disorder was triggered (she was the pretty one you see, that was her whole identity, wrapped up and given to her in a neat little package) by Mum grabbing her tummy when she was sat down as a teen, and cackling away, saying 'you've got a fat roll'!

Bitch.

My friend was told by her mother, very matter of factly, 'it's a good thing you're smart, because you're never going to catch a man with your looks'.

One of the things that most hurt with my mother was her remark when she was told about her father sexually abusing me for a prolonged period (he was a serial paedophile), 'if only this town had prostitutes'. I was seven. To this day, out of all the things she has said and done, I don't know why this one broke me so much. She has said, before and since, so much worse. I mean, she was pissed off that her friend and neighbour beat her to it when it came to telling me I was a mistake, and how hard she tried to abort me! Again, I was seven. Bad year, seven.

Fucking hell, I'm so sorry 😔

BlossBurger · 05/04/2025 18:54

PollyCreo · 05/04/2025 17:35

Fucking hell, I'm so sorry 😔

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Me too @mbosnz 💔

JG24 · 05/04/2025 19:20

curious79 · 04/04/2025 11:20

I think women get it in the neck from all angles. It’s also partly generational, and not just mums who do it

My elderly Dad is obsessed with me and my sister’s weight. As is his partner. A visit does not go by without him observing whether we’ve put it on / taken it off etc regardless of whether we actually have (he’s overweight btw). And will say things like you’d be happier slimmer, or how dies DH feel about your weight (I’m tall and sz 16 for reference)

Note: he’s constantly offering food too - the f’ing irony!

i have to remind him that under no circumstances is he allowed to comment on my 2 daughters’ weight (teens). If I forget to remind him they get the same treatment

Not unusual too for him to have the TV on and there to be a constant stream of commentary about how ugly / fat various female presenters are

the male ones could look like a deformed toad and he still wouldn’t mention them

i love him but in this regard he’s a massive twat (and I tell him so). It’s been a source of quite a lot of pain, tension and unhappiness for me throughout my life . And he doesn’t even get it

if my mum was alive she’d be doing the same thing. She was very judgy. What’s all that make-up?! You look like a slut. Why aren’t you wearing makeup? You look like you’ve made no effort.

I’ve had these comments about my weight even when i was a sz 8

Edited

My dad used to do this to me. He's obsessed with whether people are fat or not (I am)
I just stopped contacting him when I was in my twenties for a few months, and when another relative asked why I had stopped ringing him I told them it was because of his comments, and they fed it back to him.
Since then he's got the message and 10 years on he never comments on my weight. So it worked!

Bikergran · 05/04/2025 19:43

Mycatisanevilgenius · 04/04/2025 10:50

Why on Earth do they do it ?

it is because they see her as some sort of extension to their self so they can be as mean to her as they are themselves ?

just been out with a friend and we took her mum along, straight away the mum says to her, oh you need to cover your knees, they dont look good as you get older oh and your arms …

Then said oh you need to make sure your moisturising your neck while pulling a 🤨🤨face

seriously I bet she’d never say that to another person

Because some people, including some mums, are toxic b*tches. When I was in my 20s, I was out with a friend, and had to pop into my mum's for something. Friend came in with me. Mum was delighted to see us, and commented how pretty I looked in a new outfit. My friend's eyes filled with tears, she said in her entire life she didn't remember her mother saying anything like that to her, even on her wedding day, her size and weight were commented on. Her mother was a horrible cold woman.

PollyCreo · 05/04/2025 20:03

Bikergran · 05/04/2025 19:43

Because some people, including some mums, are toxic b*tches. When I was in my 20s, I was out with a friend, and had to pop into my mum's for something. Friend came in with me. Mum was delighted to see us, and commented how pretty I looked in a new outfit. My friend's eyes filled with tears, she said in her entire life she didn't remember her mother saying anything like that to her, even on her wedding day, her size and weight were commented on. Her mother was a horrible cold woman.

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I can relate to that. I've often felt like asking my mum why she bothered having children when she clearly feels nothing for them.

I moved abroad 20 years ago and don't miss her at all, my brother feels the same way about her.

KittenPause · 05/04/2025 20:07

My DM has done this me my whole life. She does it to my DC

when we pull her up on it she just says it’s normal and she’s allowed to because she’s their DGM

needless to say we don’t visit her much and only really to see my DDad

Why the hell do SOME mums feel they can say anything they like to a daughter and be so critical ?

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