Help me deal with my MIL

twolittlelovesandaman · 2025-04-03T19:40:38+00:00

I will start off by saying that I am a long term MN user but name changed cus this is outing. Also, to say that I am very empathetic when dealing with grief due to my job, and accept everyone grieves in different ways. My FIL died very unsuddenly and unexpectedly in November. He had undiagnosed heart disease, refused to take his prescribed statins, he died of a heart attack which was discovered after a post mortem. My husband went back to UK as soon as his dad had died (the day after on the first flight) to support his mother. He stayed for two weeks and really encouraged her to come back to where we live so we could look after her and help her through the first part of the grieving process. She initially said she would come and then changed her mind, which is fine. The difficulty we are having is now (almost 6 months later) she is phoning and WAILING (and I mean hysterical) on the phone like he died yesterday. She is saying very hurtful things to my DH (like “don’t you miss your dad!!”) presumably because he isn’t grieving in the way she expects him to. DH says he hasn’t had time process his grief because he’s so busy trying to support her and also carry on working and being a daddy to our young children. She is also being totally unreasonable, asking him to move back to the UK and move in with her etc. She won’t take any advice, we have suggested support groups, counselling, going for walks, getting a job or hobby, things to keep herself busy etc but she’s not interested. She lives nearby her sister, but has fallen out with her because the sister said she needs to try and have a life or she will be miserable. MIL is supposed to be coming over on Tuesday, for two weeks. She has requested special assistance at the airport (she is not disabled!) which as a person with a disability this has pissed me off but that’s an aside. She has refused to help us with the kids despite the fact it’s Easter. How do I stop her wailing from driving me insane and make it through the two weeks without committing murder?! all advice greatly received!

TomatoSandwiches · 03/04/2025 20:52

Has your husband taken time of for her visit or is it going to be just yourself having to put up with her mostly alone?

fiorentina · 03/04/2025 20:55

I’d also hope your DH has taken time
off to host his mother.
Shes grieving in her own way, but I do think she needs to consider your DC and how she behaves around them so hopefully your DH can mention this.

londongirl12 · 03/04/2025 20:56

What’s the plans for when she’s there for 2 weeks?

Zapx · 03/04/2025 20:57

I think lay out some expectations now- you cannot have someone doing that for any serious length of time around your kids… So I’d ask that if she thinks that’s likely to take herself off somewhere private?

Original poster

twolittlelovesandaman · 03/04/2025 20:58

It’s obviously Easter so DH will be off for some of it.
I am not taking any time off but I work shift work so will be around quite a lot. She booked the flights without even consulting us if the dates were okay so it’s a bit tricky!

OP posts:

Original poster

twolittlelovesandaman · 03/04/2025 21:01

The plans are im taking the kids out and about, suppose she will be tagging on if she wants or not… DH has told her that she’s not helping herself by behaving like this… but obviously it’s not landed. It’s having a massive effect on him, because she just goes over and over and over and over and over the same ground again and again and again… she doesn’t seem to care if the kids in ear shot or not! She’s behaving so selfishly, it’s driving me mad!

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Icanthinkformyselfthanks · 03/04/2025 21:03

@twolittlelovesandaman , your poor MIL. It’s still very early days for her, she may wail. This could be you one day and you don’t know how you will behave. You don’t. How would you hope to be treated?

Onlyonekenobe · 03/04/2025 21:03

You carry on with your normal routine. You give her as much attention and thought as you think is appropriate. You get out and leave the room when you’ve had enough. You should be good to her as your MIL, a guest, a woman who’s recently lost her husband - but that’s it. You’re not her emotional support dog. You’re not her therapist. You’re not her nurse. Treat her the way you think she deserves and needs to be treated and don’t pander. Leave any pandering to her son.

Original poster

twolittlelovesandaman · 03/04/2025 21:06

@Icanthinkformyselfthanks I can tell you what I would not be doing or behaving and that is alienating myself. I would wail in private and not upset/distress my family including two small children, EVERY BLOODY DAY.

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Icanthinkformyselfthanks · 03/04/2025 21:07

twolittlelovesandaman · 03/04/2025 21:06

@Icanthinkformyselfthanks I can tell you what I would not be doing or behaving and that is alienating myself. I would wail in private and not upset/distress my family including two small children, EVERY BLOODY DAY.

@twolittlelovesandaman , you think you know now but you do not.

Original poster

twolittlelovesandaman · 03/04/2025 21:09

Icanthinkformyselfthanks · 03/04/2025 21:07

@twolittlelovesandaman , you think you know now but you do not.

Show quote history

As I said in my starting post, I am not not sympathising or empathic to her situation, but she is not helping herself in any way and it is having an awful impact on my husband and my young children whom are my priority.

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Slinkyminky22 · 03/04/2025 21:10

twolittlelovesandaman · 03/04/2025 21:06

@Icanthinkformyselfthanks I can tell you what I would not be doing or behaving and that is alienating myself. I would wail in private and not upset/distress my family including two small children, EVERY BLOODY DAY.

I really hope you are more empathetic in person.

SoloSofa24 · 03/04/2025 21:13

Did she show signs of being self-centred and demanding before FiL died, or is this all a reaction to grief and shock?

If it is just her usual personality being amplified, then I would be sympathetic up to a point but would then start to be a bit blunt about her expectations. I say this as someone who was widowed very suddenly at an early age. I did not expect everyone to re-organise their lives around me and pander to my every wish.

Original poster

twolittlelovesandaman · 03/04/2025 21:13

Slinkyminky22 · 03/04/2025 21:10

I really hope you are more empathetic in person.

Show quote history

Do you think it’s appropriate to ring and wail in front of two small children every day?
because I do not.
do you think it’s appropriate to be awful to your only son because you are grieving?
because I do not.
Do you think it’s appropriate to emotionally blackmail your son because his dad has died?
because I do not.
Do you think we should disrupt our children’s lives, join her in her wailing, give up work and our entire lives and not live because a member of our family has died?
because I do not.
I am also sure this is not what my FIL would want.

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Original poster

twolittlelovesandaman · 03/04/2025 21:16

SoloSofa24 · 03/04/2025 21:13

Did she show signs of being self-centred and demanding before FiL died, or is this all a reaction to grief and shock?

If it is just her usual personality being amplified, then I would be sympathetic up to a point but would then start to be a bit blunt about her expectations. I say this as someone who was widowed very suddenly at an early age. I did not expect everyone to re-organise their lives around me and pander to my every wish.

Yes I think it is just her personality amplified… when FIL was alive he sort of diluted her and kept her in check a bit. I think it’s hard because DH has no siblings so EVERYTHING is on us and we aren’t down the road so can’t support her in the way we wanted to, especially in the beginning.
I just want her to enjoy her life rather than being stuck in this cycle of misery where she won’t leave the house or join in with life!

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User37482 · 03/04/2025 21:16

She’s grieving, she probably spent decades of her life with FIL, it must feel like someone cut off a piece of you. I think you should be a bit more tolerant tbh.

Original poster

twolittlelovesandaman · 03/04/2025 21:18

User37482 · 03/04/2025 21:16

She’s grieving, she probably spent decades of her life with FIL, it must feel like someone cut off a piece of you. I think you should be a bit more tolerant tbh.

We offered her to come and stay with us, so she wasn’t on her own. The kids could have jollied her on a bit and given her some distraction. But she wants to wallow. What more are we supposed to do? How long is this supposed to last? We cannot stop our lives and all wail for the next 20 years until she dies.

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saraclara · 03/04/2025 21:19

Losing a partner is terrible, and it must have been traumatic to lose him so suddenly in that way.

But despite having lost my own husband, I don't subscribe to the 'there's no wrong way to grieve ' approach. It's very wrong to cause distress to young children, or to make unrealistic demands on others for six months. The most important thing for me was to keep myself together for my children, and I saved my crying for when I was alone.

More importantly it's not emotionally healthy for her either. If she hasn't already had some grief counselling, she needs to be encouraged to, for her own mental health, and before she loses all the friends who would otherwise support her.

I'm afraid that when she stays with you someone is going to have to make it very clear that your children need to be spared any distressing emotional scenes.

ThisUniqueDreamer · 03/04/2025 21:23

Icanthinkformyselfthanks · 03/04/2025 21:03

@twolittlelovesandaman , your poor MIL. It’s still very early days for her, she may wail. This could be you one day and you don’t know how you will behave. You don’t. How would you hope to be treated?

I did think that. Imagine one day your son's wife we'll be telling him to stop pandering to you because you've lost your husband. Food for thought.

Original poster

twolittlelovesandaman · 03/04/2025 21:23

saraclara · 03/04/2025 21:19

Losing a partner is terrible, and it must have been traumatic to lose him so suddenly in that way.

But despite having lost my own husband, I don't subscribe to the 'there's no wrong way to grieve ' approach. It's very wrong to cause distress to young children, or to make unrealistic demands on others for six months. The most important thing for me was to keep myself together for my children, and I saved my crying for when I was alone.

More importantly it's not emotionally healthy for her either. If she hasn't already had some grief counselling, she needs to be encouraged to, for her own mental health, and before she loses all the friends who would otherwise support her.

I'm afraid that when she stays with you someone is going to have to make it very clear that your children need to be spared any distressing emotional scenes.

Edited

Thank you for actually understanding and I’m very sorry for your loss. ❤️
I do not think it is emotionally healthy for her but cannot seem to make her see that. I have tried to encourage counselling both online and in person but she just won’t. She wants to go over and over and over it and just will not see that she still has so much to carry on for… what is the other alternative? She curls up and dies? She has no routine anymore (except phoning us up to wail) and I do not think that’s good for her… I think she needs a new purpose!

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SoloSofa24 · 03/04/2025 21:28

How old is she, by the way? From what you say it sounds like she is not actually that old, so really does need to come round to the idea of making a new independent life for herself.

My grandmother was widowed suddenly in her late 50s, just as my grandfather (mid 60s) was about to retire. She, by all accounts, really could not cope (or decided she couldn't cope...) with living alone, so ended up coming to live with my family for the next decade or so, which I think on balance was not a good thing for her or for us, even though short-term it meant she got company and my mother got help with childcare when she went back to work. There was a lot of deliberate dependency, emotional manipulation and so on going on. Eventually she did move back out again, but by then she was older and had lost the chance to really build a new life and social circle for herself in her home city.

I am just saying this as an illustration of what can happen if you pander too much to someone at that stage of widowhood.

ladeedar · 03/04/2025 21:30

twolittlelovesandaman · 03/04/2025 21:06

@Icanthinkformyselfthanks I can tell you what I would not be doing or behaving and that is alienating myself. I would wail in private and not upset/distress my family including two small children, EVERY BLOODY DAY.

I amnot understanding how in any way this is impacting your children?

saraclara · 03/04/2025 21:33

ThisUniqueDreamer · 03/04/2025 21:23

I did think that. Imagine one day your son's wife we'll be telling him to stop pandering to you because you've lost your husband. Food for thought.

Show quote history

If I'd behaved like OP 's MIL six months after my husband died, I'd very much hope that a friend or family member would have taken me on one side and told me that my behaviour was damaging others as well as being self-destructive.

But I didn't, because my kids needed me, and I needed my family and friends to want to stick around.

OP's MIL's behaviour is far from the norm. Not even close. I don't know anyone who's lost a partner who has behaved remotely like that.

Original poster

twolittlelovesandaman · 03/04/2025 21:34

SoloSofa24 · 03/04/2025 21:28

How old is she, by the way? From what you say it sounds like she is not actually that old, so really does need to come round to the idea of making a new independent life for herself.

My grandmother was widowed suddenly in her late 50s, just as my grandfather (mid 60s) was about to retire. She, by all accounts, really could not cope (or decided she couldn't cope...) with living alone, so ended up coming to live with my family for the next decade or so, which I think on balance was not a good thing for her or for us, even though short-term it meant she got company and my mother got help with childcare when she went back to work. There was a lot of deliberate dependency, emotional manipulation and so on going on. Eventually she did move back out again, but by then she was older and had lost the chance to really build a new life and social circle for herself in her home city.

I am just saying this as an illustration of what can happen if you pander too much to someone at that stage of widowhood.

Thank you for your kind response, I’m getting a roasting here but honestly I am very tired of it all, supporting someone who is across an ocean is tricky, but our life is not in the UK and it probably never will be again.
she is 63.

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YourSnugHazelTraybake · 03/04/2025 21:34

twolittlelovesandaman · 03/04/2025 21:13

Do you think it’s appropriate to ring and wail in front of two small children every day?
because I do not.
do you think it’s appropriate to be awful to your only son because you are grieving?
because I do not.
Do you think it’s appropriate to emotionally blackmail your son because his dad has died?
because I do not.
Do you think we should disrupt our children’s lives, join her in her wailing, give up work and our entire lives and not live because a member of our family has died?
because I do not.
I am also sure this is not what my FIL would want.

Show quote history

The fact you think she's CHOOSING to behave like this is showing a complete lack of empathy. She's lost her husband of many years unexpectedly, and it's only been six months. Quite frankly you sound awful. She's not wailing in front of the kids, she's on the phone, you're the one allowing them to hear that. We lost my step dad three years ago, it took almost a year before my mum could say his name without tears, she still misses him every day. That you think she should be getting over it after only 6 months is appalling and you sound horribly selfish.