Help me deal with my MIL

[twolittlelovesandaman]

I will start off by saying that I am a long term MN user but name changed cus this is outing. Also, to say that I am very empathetic when dealing with grief due to my job, and accept everyone grieves in different ways.

My FIL died very unsuddenly and unexpectedly in November. He had undiagnosed heart disease, refused to take his prescribed statins, he died of a heart attack which was discovered after a post mortem. My husband went back to UK as soon as his dad had died (the day after on the first flight) to support his mother. He stayed for two weeks and really encouraged her to come back to where we live so we could look after her and help her through the first part of the grieving process. She initially said she would come and then changed her mind, which is fine.
The difficulty we are having is now (almost 6 months later) she is phoning and WAILING (and I mean hysterical) on the phone like he died yesterday. She is saying very hurtful things to my DH (like “don’t you miss your dad!!”) presumably because he isn’t grieving in the way she expects him to. DH says he hasn’t had time process his grief because he’s so busy trying to support her and also carry on working and being a daddy to our young children. She is also being totally unreasonable, asking him to move back to the UK and move in with her etc. She won’t take any advice, we have suggested support groups, counselling, going for walks, getting a job or hobby, things to keep herself busy etc but she’s not interested. She lives nearby her sister, but has fallen out with her because the sister said she needs to try and have a life or she will be miserable.
MIL is supposed to be coming over on Tuesday, for two weeks. She has requested special assistance at the airport (she is not disabled!) which as a person with a disability this has pissed me off but that’s an aside.
She has refused to help us with the kids despite the fact it’s Easter. How do I stop her wailing from driving me insane and make it through the two weeks without committing murder?!
all advice greatly received!

The difficulty we are having is now (almost 6 months later) she is phoning and WAILING (and I mean hysterical) on the phone like he died yesterday.

For that alone you are being cruel

You think after six months she should be getting over it.And she should only be wailing if he died yesterday

That's often not how grief works
There's no time scale, and I can tell just by that you've never lost anyone significant.

When I had a major bereavement, it was numbness and forgetting they died. I kept thinking, oh, I'll tell so and so that. Or I'll send them that, and then i've remember they're dead and I can't.

I i have to say going into the second year it's been harder. Yes, you read that correctly.The second year, the year after the first year they died.
When I just lost the person, I'd seen them recently, and they'd been a big part of my life, so it wasn't immediately so acute. When it was getting to around 6 months or so I began to think okay, i'm bored of this now.I really want to see you again.

The more time goes on, the more distant I feel from for them and the more I miss them. It will probably subside, but it's going to be a while. But you are extremely cruel, but after six months you think she shouldn't be wailing, and she should have been wailing the day after.Who are you to tell her when she should grieve

Because my husband does the majority of the childcare as I am the bread winner. So, everytime she rings on FaceTime, the children are there and witnessing her behave like this. Thats how.

OP has not said that MIL should be over it. She's saying that this particular grief behaviour is unhealthy for the family, and for MIL herself. And it is. She's already lost her sister's support and I'm guessing her friends will be have had enough too.

She needs grief counselling and she's refusing it. It's not up to her son (who's lost his dad, after all) and his wife and kids, to have to endure this every day.

I have seen more death than you realise. I am without a dad, and with only one grandparent remaining, so do be quiet.
I didn’t say she can only cry if it was yesterday. You have misunderstood. Crying I don’t have an issue with at all, wailing hysterically? It’s not appropriate to do that in front of two small children and the point of my post was to ask how to manage that bearing in mind she arrives on Tuesday!

To be fair, it’s really not for you to tell her how she should grieve, when it’s right to move on, that she should be rebuilding her life etc etc.

On this you are being wholly unreasonable. I’m guessing she was married to this man for longer than you’ve been alive?

Your duty is to your children. And as far as they’re concerned, there’s a middle ground between “jolly hockey sticks” and wailing every day.

Let your DH look after yourself and his mother. You really don’t need to be involved. It won’t help the situation. If you insist, well that will be on you.

I had sympathy with you when you first posted. Now you just sound like you want to bring her to heel because her grief is inconveniencing you.

Thank you so very much for articulating what I have failed to do so 😊

I don’t want to tell her how to grieve, that’s an individual thing. But I do think she needs to find someone else to talk to that’s not my husband as her grieving journey is having a massive impact on my husbands mental health and therefore my children’s well being.

Unfortunately it’s on your husband to refuse to take her calls. If she wants to go over and over and over it and wail and cry hysterically then she can do that to her hearts content with a grief counsellor. But your husband needs to tell her this and that he’s no longer prepared to speak to her about it because of the impact it’s having on his mental health and that of his children.
As for how to cope with her whilst she is there. If she starts wailing I would say to the the children ‘oh dear. Granny is feeling sad again, we better get out of her way’ and leave the house or take them to another room and close the door. Put a film on or something. If you don’t give it attention then hopefully it will stop

Okay so we’ll all stop working, wail each day, only wear black and never leave the house again.
would that suit your idea of how we should be grieving?

Thank you so much re: kids That’s a really good idea! 😊
it’s tricky because she has no one else to talk to but I do wonder if he stopped being her emotional punchbag it may encourage her to look for some professional help!

I've lost my husband, and while I agree that losing a grandparent or even a parent, doesn't compare, I'm still on team OP.

Grief does not give anyone an excuse to damage others.

Hey op, I'm sorry you're getting a very unfair roasting.

Your poor MIL is clearly not coping, but I have to say her reaction does not fall in normal parameters. Yes, of course it's devastating to lose your partner, but her ongoing reaction is not ok for her or people afoul her. She needs professional help.

That said she's heading over to you right now.

I'd make sure that you and DH have a joint coping strategy and do a tag team approach. You'll need to be very patient with each other as this is likely to create lots of friction. Also worth preparing the kids as much as you can. Even tiny kids can understand if you explain that she's a bit OTT but that you will keep them safe.

You may need to be very direct with MIL though. - including leading her away from the kids if she starts to wail - "mil you need to stop that as the kids are getting upset. Take yourself out for a short walk/to another room".

I do feel for her but at 6 months she needs help to cope both what are clearly and understandably very deep emotions.

It's interesting that the two widows on this thread (I'm one of them) seem to be more sympathetic to the OP's point of view than everyone else.

I agree with@saraclara - from what the OP says, her MiL is refusing all attempts or suggestions to help her deal with her grief in a healthy way, but instead is focusing it all on her son, to the detriment of him and his family. This is not healthy or sustainable. I sympathise with both the OP and her MiL, and I think it is fair enough for her to ask for suggestions on how to deal with her MiL's behaviour if she is about to arrive for an uninvited visit and presumably continue with her hysterical wailing in front of her grandchildren.

Sorry OP but that is an absolutely pathetic way to attack your MIL.

Oh the poor DCs! DH never thought to just use the phone without facetime.

She lives overseas and calls upset. That's it.

Thank you 😊
Despite what people are saying here, I do only want the best for her and for everyone.
id like to think (in time) she will see that she has a lot of life left and can fill it with lovely things (like her grandchildren) im not expecting that to happen tomorrow or really any time soon but i do feel like the extreme reaction from her is making my husband cross (because he can’t have a conversation with her about anything!) and having a big impact on their relationship which may be long lasting and that would be a big shame.

I’m not attacking anyone. I want to help her and my husband who is baring the brunt of her extreme emotions and not dealing with his own.
why can’t she speak to a therapist?
or join an online group? (Sue Ryder run a great one!)
or a walking group.
Or lots of other things to keep her busy and into a new routine.
she won’t do it. She’s not interested in taking any of our advice, she we have to sit in this really uncomfortable space. where she wants to repeat herself x 100000000000 and expects my husband to come up with different answers each time, he simply cannot do it.

Thank you so much 🥰
sometimes I feel when I’m here on MN I’m in a different universe! X

I’ve had friends like this who get anxious and repeat the same thing over and over again like they’re expecting me to come up with other advise. It’s emotionally draining and you end up not knowing what else to say to them because you’ve said everything you can and you just end up repeating yourself.
Your DH has to be the one to say to his mum if its too much for him.
Your main focus has to be protecting your kids so speak to DH and maybe tell his mum it’s easier if she calls when the kids are in bed? Then they’re not overhearing the phone calls
When she’s over you and your husband need to agree a strategy. If she starts wailing and it’s upsetting the kids then he redirects her to another activity or the children to another activity. If you can both have time off it’ll be easier to “tag team” it he can support his mum and you can redirect the children.
Maybe try and organise some activities you know she’ll enjoy - might help her think about things other than her loss and potential new hobbies for back home

@twolittlelovesandaman , I understand that.
It’s very easy to focus on one side of a situation. I thought you had come here to ask for perspective. If really all you wanted was to have your irritation with your MIL confirmed and to look for justification for your subsequent actions perhaps you should have said. No problem for you Mumsnet is extremely ageist and very anti MILs I’m quite sure many, many who respond will give you what you were looking for.

Again, I'm older than MIL, also widowed, and I agree with OP. There is nothing ageist or MIList that I can see in the OP.

MIL needs help, and her son (who is also grieving) and her grandchildren, need a break from all the high emotion. It's not healthy for anyone involved.

I feel really sorry for your DH, he needs to grieve his father also but it seems your MIL is incapable of giving him space or support for that either.

Having a quiet cry over sharing a memory etc is fine and healthy, wailing to an audience at this point is beyond me and I wouldn't be a part of it.

If she continues to be so... performative with her grief infront of everyone then I think a calm conversation about it being counter productive and inappropriate infront of the children especially should be had and reset her expectations.

I completely agree with @SoloSofa24and @saraclara etc. OP is not being unreasonable and I think she has been unfairly attacked. I was widowed last year at the age of 64 after 32 years of marriage

It's interesting that the two widows on this thread (I'm one of them) seem to be more sympathetic to the OP's point of view than everyone else.

And now three of us.
When you've carried your grief, yet also managed to recognise and consider your children's grief at the loss if their father, too, it's irritating to see someone who has no care for how the other bereaved family members feel.

Yes, everyone grieves differently, but there is no widow that I know who has behaved like OP 's MIL, and has alternated and hurt all those who would otherwise be their support.

She needs to recognise that she needs help, for her own sake as well as theirs.

I know that I was wailing down the phone after my husband died. In my case, it happened during lockdown - so I was on my own in the funeral car and returned to an empty house.

I didn't phone others, trying not to impose - but I recall being in a state whenever I did get a phone call.

DH's adult children and grandchild had opted not to travel to the funeral during Covid and there was no offer to "bubble up".

I'm glad that the OP's MIL had her son with her for a fortnight, but it would have been better for all concerned if she'd accepted the offer to visit them after the funeral.

I don't think she'll be going about wailing in front of the children when she does visit. When I was finally able to visit relatives and was invited to stay with my cousin and her husband for a few days, I found it an immense comfort just being with people.

I was nearly 61 when I was widowed.

Re: the request for special assistance at the airport.

I was wishing that I'd requested this when I flew from Scotland to England to stay with my cousin. I'm not as fast as I used to be - I just made it to the gate in time, even though I listened for the announcement.

Also, you'd be surprised at how badly 'widow brain' can affect someone. I went from being the person who organised everything (since I was my husband's carer) to having great anxiety around coping on my own and doing things like navigating security, etc.

I think that it's very sensible of the OP's MIL to request assistance.