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Original poster

Help me deal with my MIL

107 replies

twolittlelovesandaman · 03/04/2025 20:40

I will start off by saying that I am a long term MN user but name changed cus this is outing. Also, to say that I am very empathetic when dealing with grief due to my job, and accept everyone grieves in different ways.

My FIL died very unsuddenly and unexpectedly in November. He had undiagnosed heart disease, refused to take his prescribed statins, he died of a heart attack which was discovered after a post mortem. My husband went back to UK as soon as his dad had died (the day after on the first flight) to support his mother. He stayed for two weeks and really encouraged her to come back to where we live so we could look after her and help her through the first part of the grieving process. She initially said she would come and then changed her mind, which is fine.
The difficulty we are having is now (almost 6 months later) she is phoning and WAILING (and I mean hysterical) on the phone like he died yesterday. She is saying very hurtful things to my DH (like “don’t you miss your dad!!”) presumably because he isn’t grieving in the way she expects him to. DH says he hasn’t had time process his grief because he’s so busy trying to support her and also carry on working and being a daddy to our young children. She is also being totally unreasonable, asking him to move back to the UK and move in with her etc. She won’t take any advice, we have suggested support groups, counselling, going for walks, getting a job or hobby, things to keep herself busy etc but she’s not interested. She lives nearby her sister, but has fallen out with her because the sister said she needs to try and have a life or she will be miserable.
MIL is supposed to be coming over on Tuesday, for two weeks. She has requested special assistance at the airport (she is not disabled!) which as a person with a disability this has pissed me off but that’s an aside.
She has refused to help us with the kids despite the fact it’s Easter. How do I stop her wailing from driving me insane and make it through the two weeks without committing murder?!
all advice greatly received!

OP posts:
Davros · 04/04/2025 19:01

If you say so. That’s not what I’m reading

Flutterbyby · 04/04/2025 19:16

ladeedar · 04/04/2025 18:52

Op is moaning about her mil who doesn’t even live in the same country and who has just lost her husband a few months ago. I’d say it’s the people defending her attitude that are horrible.

Perhaps if she hadn’t talked about her mil like she was dirt she might have had more sympathy. Asking for tips on how not to murder her and exaggerating/mocking her phone calls and making out her DH has no choice but to put her on FaceTime for the DCs to listen to has not done her any favours.

Show quote history

If that how you choose to read it, no wonder you're defending everyone being dicks to OP.
You're wrong though

vriirfblred · 05/04/2025 00:44

Gymmum82 · 03/04/2025 21:48

Unfortunately it’s on your husband to refuse to take her calls. If she wants to go over and over and over it and wail and cry hysterically then she can do that to her hearts content with a grief counsellor. But your husband needs to tell her this and that he’s no longer prepared to speak to her about it because of the impact it’s having on his mental health and that of his children.
As for how to cope with her whilst she is there. If she starts wailing I would say to the the children ‘oh dear. Granny is feeling sad again, we better get out of her way’ and leave the house or take them to another room and close the door. Put a film on or something. If you don’t give it attention then hopefully it will stop

That sounds so manipulative.

Lavender14 · 05/04/2025 01:39

ladeedar · 04/04/2025 18:52

Op is moaning about her mil who doesn’t even live in the same country and who has just lost her husband a few months ago. I’d say it’s the people defending her attitude that are horrible.

Perhaps if she hadn’t talked about her mil like she was dirt she might have had more sympathy. Asking for tips on how not to murder her and exaggerating/mocking her phone calls and making out her DH has no choice but to put her on FaceTime for the DCs to listen to has not done her any favours.

Show quote history

Ops mil doesn't live in the same country because she's turned down ops suggestion of her living with them full time. (Understandably as she may not want to leave certain memories yet). I didn't remotely get the idea that she's spoken about her mil like she's dirt. That's quite a leap. She's very rightly concerned about the impact mils behaviour is having on ops dh and what impact it will have on her dc when mil comes to visit. She's attempted to lighten her post with some light hearted comments which have obviously not been received as she's intended but I think it's been very clear from her posts and actions to date that she does want to support her mil and does have empathy for her.

mbosnz · 05/04/2025 10:21

When someone's significant other dies, IIRC, my mother was told not to make any major decisions or life changes for at least a year. Understandably, if you think about it, you're not in a very good frame of mind for making such decisions. It may be more 'convenient' for OP and her DH to 'help' his mother through her grief if she moves to them, but I think MIL is very wise to resist doing this at this point.

Everyone grieves in different ways. Some people are very emotive in their grief, and yes, those around them may find it very uncomfortable. Also, grief is not linear, so this stage for MIL may stop and start for a while.

It is okay to put boundaries in place. Tell MIL that if she is grieving in a manner that is inappropriate around children, that may distress or frighten them, she needs to take herself off, or the children will be removed, until she can conduct herself in a manner more child appropriate. Tell MIL that you know she is grieving, but that does not give her licence to say hurtful things to her son who also lost his father, and who is also grieving, who is doing the best he knows how for his family, which must be his priority, and his mother.

But it has been SIX MONTHS. You sound like you love your DH, OP. How would you feel if he suddenly dropped dead? Do you honestly and genuinely, hand on heart, know without a shadow of a doubt, that your grief would not be wild and all consuming a mere six months after losing your life's partner? That you would not be angry at the world for not stopping, and lashing out, in confusion, anger, and sorrow?

WearyAuldWumman · 05/04/2025 13:07

mbosnz · 05/04/2025 10:21

When someone's significant other dies, IIRC, my mother was told not to make any major decisions or life changes for at least a year. Understandably, if you think about it, you're not in a very good frame of mind for making such decisions. It may be more 'convenient' for OP and her DH to 'help' his mother through her grief if she moves to them, but I think MIL is very wise to resist doing this at this point.

Everyone grieves in different ways. Some people are very emotive in their grief, and yes, those around them may find it very uncomfortable. Also, grief is not linear, so this stage for MIL may stop and start for a while.

It is okay to put boundaries in place. Tell MIL that if she is grieving in a manner that is inappropriate around children, that may distress or frighten them, she needs to take herself off, or the children will be removed, until she can conduct herself in a manner more child appropriate. Tell MIL that you know she is grieving, but that does not give her licence to say hurtful things to her son who also lost his father, and who is also grieving, who is doing the best he knows how for his family, which must be his priority, and his mother.

But it has been SIX MONTHS. You sound like you love your DH, OP. How would you feel if he suddenly dropped dead? Do you honestly and genuinely, hand on heart, know without a shadow of a doubt, that your grief would not be wild and all consuming a mere six months after losing your life's partner? That you would not be angry at the world for not stopping, and lashing out, in confusion, anger, and sorrow?

A well reasoned post, mbosnz.

theresnolimits · 05/04/2025 13:20

He died in November and it was completely unexpected so she had no time to prepare. That’s not even six months - you’re carrying on as if this has been going on for years. Of course it won’t be like this for ever but give the woman a break. Her only son and grandchildren live overseas, she’s shocked, scared and lonely. And you think she’s unreasonable because she didn’t want to throw herself into a new social life?

For this trip I think you bite your lip, carry on with your normal plans, listen but let your DH deal with the emotions. And wait and see.

BTW I don’t understand how she is ‘weeping and wailing’ down the phone to your kids. Surely you just take the calls in another room? You have total control over that.

If it helps, my DMIL told my DH he had ‘killed his father with stress’ 6 months after he died. We ignored it because we knew she was in a terrible place.

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