Help me deal with my MIL

[twolittlelovesandaman]

I will start off by saying that I am a long term MN user but name changed cus this is outing. Also, to say that I am very empathetic when dealing with grief due to my job, and accept everyone grieves in different ways.

My FIL died very unsuddenly and unexpectedly in November. He had undiagnosed heart disease, refused to take his prescribed statins, he died of a heart attack which was discovered after a post mortem. My husband went back to UK as soon as his dad had died (the day after on the first flight) to support his mother. He stayed for two weeks and really encouraged her to come back to where we live so we could look after her and help her through the first part of the grieving process. She initially said she would come and then changed her mind, which is fine.
The difficulty we are having is now (almost 6 months later) she is phoning and WAILING (and I mean hysterical) on the phone like he died yesterday. She is saying very hurtful things to my DH (like “don’t you miss your dad!!”) presumably because he isn’t grieving in the way she expects him to. DH says he hasn’t had time process his grief because he’s so busy trying to support her and also carry on working and being a daddy to our young children. She is also being totally unreasonable, asking him to move back to the UK and move in with her etc. She won’t take any advice, we have suggested support groups, counselling, going for walks, getting a job or hobby, things to keep herself busy etc but she’s not interested. She lives nearby her sister, but has fallen out with her because the sister said she needs to try and have a life or she will be miserable.
MIL is supposed to be coming over on Tuesday, for two weeks. She has requested special assistance at the airport (she is not disabled!) which as a person with a disability this has pissed me off but that’s an aside.
She has refused to help us with the kids despite the fact it’s Easter. How do I stop her wailing from driving me insane and make it through the two weeks without committing murder?!
all advice greatly received!

It's surprisingly difficult to find bereavement counselling. I tried contacting Cruse, but nothing was available - in spite of what their literature says.

I contacted my GP, hoping that something might be available. I was offered Diazepam.

I'll add that in my case, the people who got me through the first few months were good friends who took it in turns to phone me. They were both widows and had both been the carers for their husbands. Unlike me, they were both fortunate enough to have children close by.

One of them would phone me each afternoon and would just let me talk and cry. I was fully aware that they were just sitting there with their crossword puzzles while I talked, but it helped a great deal.

Thinking about it, I didn't cry during the two phone calls I got from my husband's adult grandchild. I think the only time that I sobbed when speaking to DH's DIL was when I phoned to tell her that my husband had died. In fact, I remember DH's daughter crying down the phone to me.

I'd say that the huge mistake made by the OP's MIL was staying on her own immediately after the funeral: she'd have done better, I think, if she'd been with her family.

Being with people does help. My problem was having no immediate family and also having no job to return to: I'd had to take early retirement two years early in order to look after my husband. I did try returning to work as a supply teacher - and no, I didn't sob in front fo the children - but schools mainly want younger, cheaper members of staff. (In Scotland, rates are set consistently across the board.)

I'm hopeful that when the OP's MIL visits that it will be beneficial to all.

In many ways, the second year is harder - you hit the realisation that they really aren't coming back and that you have to navigate life without them.

@WearyAuldWumman , I’m so very sorry for your loss. You were my age when you lost your dear husband. I think now about which one of us will be left and it troubles me. I don’t want to be without him but equally I don’t want to leave him. At the age you lost your DH I can imagine it was a bit of a shock. My husband and I recently had a conversation in which we discussed that from each day forward now we must consider it may be the last we share on this earth. 😔
I certainly didn’t think about these things when I was younger when death was not breathing so closely on my neck, I don’t expect many do but honestly I know my boys and their lovely wives would offer a lot of help but I remember my poor dad after he lost my mum and the fabric had been ripped from his existence.
The lack of sympathy for the OP’s MIL’s loss is shocking to me but perhaps the OP is just not yet able to comprehend the potential devastation of the loss of a life partner.

Stop offering her solutions. The last thing grieving people need is dam suggestions. Just listen to her.
Keep being sympathetic without any judgement. 63 is very early to be a widow and there is the added shock as she had no warning. And its totally her own business if she books assistance at the airport. Maybe its her first time flying alone and she feels more secure. I am her age and while l wouldnt book assistance l wouldn't like my adult kids to judge me if l did. What is it to do with them?
Your children should not be listening in to her calls. Just do the opposite to what ye have been doing. It's only 2 weeks. It won't be easy but there is an end.

And yes, I do understand that it's difficult when you're supporting someone who's been bereaved.

I finished up supporting a widow who was bereaved 4 months after me. We met on social media and I felt sorry for her.

I'd get texts late at night asking if I was still awake - she needed to talk: always on Facetime. I'd always reply, because I felt guilty leaving her on her own. The problem is that 4 yrs later, the demand to speak in the wee small hours was still ongoing. In spite of trying to arrange specific times for the calls, I was getting woken up in the middle of the night.

I was woken up by the phone ringing at 4.20 in the morning. I turned over and went back to sleep. The next day, I found a message from 4.21 "If you don't want to speak to me any more..."

I explained that I was happy to talk but had early morning appointments. The reply was "I understand..."

Nevertheless, I've set "Focus" on my phone to stop me being disturbed during the night. I'm still coming to terms with my own loss and I can't help others if my health deteriorates again.

I have no siblings. At my age, I've lost both my parents. My husband was all I had. (The world becomes a much smaller place when you're a carer.) It's been a long haul to get myself to the stage that I'm at now.

I'd say that for the MIL, a pp's suggestion to use phone only instead of Facetime is a good one. If OP's DH hasn't already done it, maybe set aside a specific time for the phone calls with an activity organised for the children, if possible?

I've now read that she's refused grief counselling? In some towns, it's possible to attend a Bereavement Cafe. No expectation of counselling - just the opportunity to speak to other bereaved people. I'm not sure how much good counselling does, to be honest - the widow who was phoning me is still in receipt of counselling and I strongly suspect that she now has a drink problem. (She always had a bottle when she Facetimed me.)

I'm not surprised. I recall people suggesting that I should have a drink, etc. It's really not a good idea when you're on your own.

There are also FB widow groups, but that might not be something that the MIL would consider.

@Icanthinkformyselfthanks

Thank you. That's very kind.

When I had been widowed 4 months, I recall a widow friend telling me "It's very early days for you.." and that's the stage that the OP's MIL is at - early days.

I’m another widow (18 mths in after 43 years together). OP you have no idea - and how could you? I still find the actual physical presence of other people the most comforting of all - at home alone the silence of his absence is deafening. Your poor MIL - her only son living abroad and a DIL who thinks grief should be over and done with in 6 mths.

Sorry for your loss.

I think some comments like these are a bit unfair towards op.

Obviously it goes without saying that MIL has been through something awful and it's an absolutely devastating and massive change in her life. But it is a change that's happened and as harsh as it may sound she does still need to take some level of personal accountability. It is unfair of her to put all her grief on her son when she could avail of other supports. None of this is easy but she also is doing nothing to help herself - it's not fair or reasonable for her to think others will not eventually put boundaries in place while she acts this way.

It's not sustainable for her ds to be having his mum wailing down the phone every day, upsetting his children and refusing any other form of support he offers and then landing an extended stay on them with no warning. Obviously there is no time limit on grief but 6 months is a long time for the son to be dealing with this to the point he's not been able to address his own grief 6 months later! I think op is doing her duty as a wife and is looking out for her husband in this instance.

Sometimes when awful things happen we need other people to enforce their boundaries so we are almost forced to lean on more sustainable sources of support and start to stand on our own two feet again.

I do think that assistance is a good idea.

I flew the summer of the year that I lost my husband and then the following summer. Both times, I was extremely anxious. I'm still not back to what I was, 4 yrs later.

Assistance will make it easier for the MIL.

This is how you have spoken about her, your DH's mum who lost her DH a few months ago and lives in another country:

She has refused to help us with the kids despite the fact it’s Easter. How do I stop her wailing from driving me insane and make it through the two weeks without committing murder?!

Thank you @ladeedar .

Sounds like Queen Victoria going into mourning for the rest of her life when Albert died - and expecting the entire family and household to do the same.

Your number one priority is your children.

I agree, being subjected to an onslaught of wailing is not ideal and could be very frightening. I'd suggest you both take annual leave, you take charge of the childcare (as in taking them out, away from the noise), he takes charge of his mother. Some careful and supervised time with their grandmother could be valuable.

He must tell her in clear terms to stop asking doesn't he care about his father, and remind her of everything else he must hold together, as well as dealing both with his own grief, and with her reaction. He is under a lot of stress and pressure with this, and her asking him to move back in with her is not on.

Then start conversations about getting grief counselling, maybe GPs' help, and beginning to rebuild her life. Your MIL is my age, so potentially 30 years to go, all being well!

I'm sorry Bourdic. This is a tough time for you.

I'm skipping over the last half of the replies as this is clearly a very emotive issue for many. OP, you asked how to cope?

My suggestion, such as it is, echoes the advice above about removing the kids as "Granny's very sad again, let's leave her to it" (preferably in kinder words).

I'm also going to suggest using your professional empathy skills for a fixed period every day - say half an hour or so - at roughly the same time every day. Give her grief your full attention, then finish by offering a cup of tea or a trip to the park with the DC.

It's also an opportunity to use her as a babysitter. Go out with DH for some adult, mummy-free time. He needs to both process his own feelings and experience being himself, with you as his wonderful wife, and waiting staff to clear stuff up for a change.

Give me strength.
THAT WAS TONGUE IN CHEEK.
Have you read the entire thread?
If you had you would see we (I) have offered to have us live with her, to buy a multi gen house and have her here permanently, invited her here after the death of FIL, found her bereavement counselling both group and solo which she refused to attend, showed her online support, she refused.
What more do you expect me to do? How else are we supposed to support her?
We both work full time with two small children and no family here to help (which yes, we chose so it’s not an issue) I do not have the capacity to listen to the same thing a billion times over. If that makes me a bitch then so be it. She needs to help herself. She can cry and wail and whatever for as long as she needs, but not to my husband solely. She needs to find another outlet for her grief. It is not fair for my husband to shoulder it all, when he is trying to process his own grief. If this was in twenty years time we would be in a different place and able to give her more time or whatever, but it isn’t. It is now and unfortunately, our young children are the priority.
I don’t see why that is unreasonable for so many here.

OP I absolutely feel for you and you have had some harsh responses here. I have some experience of bereavement, losing my mother as a relatively young adult and close friends much younger, but you are absolutely right prioritising your own family and I do not think you should have to indulge your MiLs outpourings. Yes it’s tough but she is lashing out in anger/grief and gradually losing the sympathy of others, including her own sister, and possibly her only child, your husband. Please don’t feel bad for prioritising your family and protecting them from her.

@WearyAuldWummanthank you for your replies. I want to support my MIL, preserve my husbands mental health and also my own as well as hopefully teaching my children about death, dying and grief. I want to help my MIL in the long term but how can I help and support her if she won’t listen to anything we suggest? How long am I supposed to sit in this awkward space where she wants to go over and over and over the situation?
Im aware this sounds harsh and I don’t mean it to, but going over it doesn’t change it. Nothing we say is the right thing, everything we do is the wrong thing. It is going to be a very long twenty five years for her (and us who are her only support. She had a very symbiotic relationship with FIL, no friends etc) if she doesn’t somehow start to accept that she has very sadly been widowed and start to accept help to start rebuilding her life. Everyone thinks I’m being cruel and horrible but I’m trying to be practical. Someone told me that I should stop making suggestions or something. What should I do? Nothing? She’s fallen out with her sister and her sister in law, everyone else in her small circle has had enough of her behaviour.

Well she's not sharing it is she - she's hogging it. There's the difference. Her DH hasn't had a chance to grieve himself.

Op doesn't sound self absorbed in the slightest. She has 2 small kids. She sounds like someone who has enough on her plate. She's offered as much tangible support as possible.

And she's mentioned multiple times her concerns for her husband actually....

But if you're idea of grieving is spending 6mths of daily wailing down the phone all I can say is - good luck to your future DIL's. They're going to need it.

Say what you like.
You obviously have not read the entire thread.
Go back, read all what I have offered to do for her, and then come back and tell me what a horrible cow I am. I HAVE TRIED MY BEST TO SUPPORT EVERYONE.
I am kind, I am good. I work hard, am a pretty good parent, a good wife and I want to help her, despite lots of things she has done in the last 20 years that many would not put up with. I want the best for my husband and my children as well as my MIL. I feel I am allowed to be frustrated that she will not help herself.

You want to support her in the way you’ve determined she should be supported. From what I gather, you haven’t been physically with her since your FIL died? That almost certainly will be very different from FaceTime. What makes you think she wants your advice - or that your advice is worth having? Just sitting with, listening, holding a hand not presuming you know what she needs to do to ‘feel better’. You don’t know what it’s like OP - you can’t so stop behaving like you do. And when she arrives, it’ll be important for her and your DH to have time together to share memories and feelings. I think your comment about her getting travel assistance spoke volumes - you seem to be looking for things to criticise.

@Bourdic I don’t think it should be over in six months at all, grieving goes on for as long as it takes. I’m not a total fool. My frustrations come from the fact that despite lots of offers of help and support from us, MIL has decided that she’s going to decline all of it and solely use her son (my lovely DH) as an emotional punch bag and ring up every day wailing.
do you think it’s appropriate that she says “your dad would be ashamed of you for not being here with me?” And “you should come and move back and live with me?” And “don’t you even miss your dad?”
It’s hampering his grieving process which is not right. He is trying to “get on with it” best he can. She doesn’t want to help herself but won’t let us help her either, she wants to wallow in it, which isn’t good for her or anyone else.

You're fine OP. Just ignore.

It's an incredibly difficult situation. You can't help someone who refuses to help themselves.

I do hold hope that when she does come to visit, seeing her Grandchildren in person and being around people will help her immensely.

So I think you have to park the last 6mths - go into it with a clear head and just see how it goes.

Maybe practice some holding the boundaries phrases - e.g 'Susan, not in front of the kids, ok?'. Little things like that and if she refuses - have your car keys to hand. Have a 'go bag' ready. Not knowing how old your kids are but a bag put together that at a moments notice you can say - 'right kids we're off out - hopefully when we're back you'll have had time to pull yourself together Susan'. Then grab it and go - could be quite useful.

I would just play those 2 weeks with having an eye on always being in a position to leave. If you're the type of family who spend an hour in the morning downstairs in your pj's - maybe don't do that, maybe be dressed. So if it starts to kick off you can bow out with minimal fuss and just get the kids out with a trip to the park or something.

But at the same time - do leave some room for her to have her moments when the kids have gone to bed though. You have to strike a bit of a balance.

And actually it could be that you create some space to look back at some nice memories. Maybe get a photo album together, or put a little video. Or mention something fun e.g do you remember when we went to XYZ location and FIL did/said this funny thing. Oftentimes when people are grieving they actually want to talk about the person they are missing. Bringing him up in a positive way, that maybe brings a bit of a chuckle - can be really helpful.

So really my advice - be prepared for anything but go into it with an open heart. You may find that being around you, her son, her Grandkids she feels immensely better almost immediately, or there could be a couple of days of outpouring to begin with and then she might feel better. You're likely getting the snippet of the day when she's feeling her lowest and that's why she reaches for the phone - so to you being so far away, that's how it feels all the time. You might find in person, it's not quite as intense.

Also try and think of things to keep her busy - does she like cooking, gardening, dancing - maybe plan a couple of activities that might help her get back into a positive space.

I think you have to find a balance. If it's a nightmare - well it's 2 weeks, you know? For your DH's sake you probably need to grit your teeth through it. Make sure you've got some space for yourself in those 2 weeks as well. E.g book in a dinner with friends in the middle - so you can find a balance with it all.

You're not a nightmare OP, nor selfish or self-absorbed. I'd be feeling every bit as apprehensive if I were in your shoes.