Daughter in hospital, what am I meant to do about work.

[123dontcomeatme]

Dd is 19 and has been in hospital since thur evening. She was originally in resus where i stayed with her till 4am, went home for a few hours and was back at 10am. She's on a ward now but still very unwell and not likely to be home for a few days..

There is only me visiting/ taking in clothes/ snacks etc. I have chronic fatigue and am exhausted.

I'm meant to be working tomorrow, what do I do? I can't think straight at all. Ive got it in my head that since she's 19 I'm meant to just work and visit after work but she's so unwell and I'm struggling myself.

I didn't work fri, I was with her in hospital until 4am, came home and slept for a few hours, packed a bag and went back in. I was planning on catching up with work over the weekend but I just can't. I ll need to be at the hospital at 10 again this morning.

What do people do in this situation?

"hospital visiting hours are 10-7 to allow flexibility, not to increase problems. The idea is you pick an hour/two hours within that day to visit at a time that works round your life."

Absolutely this. I've recently spent nine nights on a hospital ward. My DH could only visit me for an hour or two from 7 p.m. onwards after he finished work. Some visitors spend ages there and tbh it can leave the patients really tired out.

I hope your DD is better very soon, OP. 🙏

Do you have MEcfs or chronic fatigue as a symptom of something else?

If this is mecfs, like pp said, you will be covered under disability regs. My sickness markers were removed after OH.

I think do what you need to do to look after yourself and your daughters just now. Take sick leave. I had to after bereavement.

But you need to have a look at adjustments I think if it's MEcfs. I've managed to keep working with getting these early on.

I was in a similar situation earlier this year - tried to juggle work with supporting my DP in hospital ( we don’t have any other family in this country) but ended up getting so exhausted I could barely function. Spoke with my manager - told me to take leave as sick leave due to stress which I did.

You should be able to self certify for 1 week after which you will need a GP fit note

Wish you and your daughter well

OP I don’t know how your workplace is, I would text my manager today (on a Sunday) about not being able to come to work tomorrow or the whole week. This would allow some more time to reorganise things at work and gives you peace of mind for today and the coming week.

You can self-certify for the first week, ask for more S/L after, if still needed. Best wishes to your DD.

Agree with this. In fact our local hospital has rife norovirus and has closed certain areas to visitors or one visitor for one hour per day. Unless she needs you to advocate for her you should not feel obliged to spend all day there and you need to look after yourself too. Is offering to work pt an option?

1. cut down your visits. An hour or so is enough. DD needs to sleep anyway.
2. rest. Go in to see her for one hour today, take her snacks and a book or magazine and tell her you're exhausted and won't be able for visiting again until tomorrow evening.
3. speak to your manager. Ask for a day's compassionate leave on Monday, then shortened hours (eg late starts to allow you to sleep) for the rest of the week, eg as unpaid emergency leave. If doybt your manager woukd refuse to offer any flexibility by way of unpaid time off.

It sounds like your current working pattern isn't great with your chronic illness. Any chance you could go part time in the near future? Can you simplify your life in general?Without wanting to be nasty, being ill for almost all of January, then for another separate week in February, and having time off again in March does sound like you need to do something differently to safeguard your health.

I completely agree with this.

I would ring up tomorrow morning and explain and say you’re not in a fit state to work, so you need to take Monday and Tuesday off unpaid.
(Hopefully your manager will be compassionate).

If your DD is in recovery already then by Tuesday she should be feeling much better.
So if she is still in hospital after that, then you can just visit after work.

As the PP said, use the next couple of days to organise yourself and make sure DD has everything she needs. Then when you do go back to work it will make things much easier.

I hope she gets better soon 💐

You are not taking the piss. That would be a very nasty thing to tell you. Its understandable you cant think straight, plus you have responsibilities around the hospital stay.
Please talk to your work and see what solutions they have. Being signed off with stress is ok too.

I’d offer to take unpaid leave. I would try not to take sick leave unless you really had to.

Annual leave isn't the correct option for a family emergency, or as op put it shes unwell herself and won't have the strength for work. All other options should be explored first before AL is considered.

No. The manager doesn’t need to know today and they are entitled to rest days too( assuming it’s a non working day.) And don’t do it by text/email. This needs a proper conversation about options. Plus if you speak to your manager they are more likely to understand how stressed you are etc.

Well, obviously, I said I didn’t know how her workplace is. I know everybody is entitled to proper time off work etc, just an observation as I have received the occasional message about changing sites or a change of work and I didn’t feel put out (as employee rather than manager).

When my DD was in ICU I took a week and a bit off work to be with her. I wasn’t paid for that time, and yes, that’s goodwill they never got back.

I got sick notes from my doctor - my daughter was in a coma for 7.5 weeks. I just rang and explained the situation and was given a two week note and then rang back for further ones as they ran out. Hope she's OK OP xx

When I was 19 I had an emergency with an abscess on my tonsils. Then eventually surgery to remove them later that year. I was away at uni. One parent came the day I was admitted and again day of surgery, other than that they were at work.

I entertained myself with books, puzzles etc. Went back to my uni house after discharge where my housemates would periodically check I was OK.

Obviously you should have been off on Friday, no questions asked. But tomorrow you should really be in work and visit her after. She's now an adult and no longer in significant danger. Of course you're tired with your chronic fatigue on top of the adrenaline from last week. So don't go for full visiting hours today and rest. Visiting hours doesn't mean someone has to be there that whole time.

I had this recently with my 18 year old and had used my holiday allocation. I was told to be where I needed to be and we’d figure out the rest later. A mixed bag in my return the very high up manager told me i didn’t need to make any time up as there was always give and take but my immediate line manager has indicated I do need to make up the hours. I am keeping a log and doing an extra half hour here and there and will make it up slowly. To be honest I’d be doing those extra half hours anyway when we are up against deadlines

Now she's on a ward you don't need to visit for 6 hours. That's overkill. And outside of the norm.

An hour or 2 is absolutely fine. In fact of your flaring that bad then take a day off visiting and rest. You can also use amazon and have things sent straight to the ward if needed. Just pack a bag with enough food, clothes and toiletries for a few days. There shouldn't be anything else she needs.

Bet people hate working there! Some management just have zero people skills.

Op’s dd has had a very serious medical incident and is not well. I couldn’t focus on work if I tried under those circumstances, and would want to tell certain managers to go fuck themselves (under my breath of course) if they showed no compassion.

My DD is the same age and was in hospital with a very complex fracture recently. She was so unwell and in so much pain that we ended up having to stay 24/7 with her, which the hospital were happy with. She was there for a week in total, but absolutely needed us there. When she was discharged it was heavy going supporting her at home. I’m lucky because I’m self employed and can be very flexible in my hours, but if I had been in a traditional job I probably would have needed to take a month off to care for her.

Her daughter is an adult and doesn’t need her mum with her all day. She could take half day off work on Monday or just visit after work. I was also seriously ill in hospital in my late teens and my parents didn’t stay with me all day.

19 is not an adult! Stop being ridiculous. I'm sorry your parents didnt stay with you, that doesn't mean other parents shouldn't put their teens first. There's no judgement. I understand parents need to work but that doesn't mean we should begrudge a 19 year old of having their mum there. I certainly would want my mum with me at 19.

18 is an adult so 19 is definitely an adult. When do people become an adult then? 30? My parents visited for a couple of hours but they didn’t stay all day.

Poor poor girl.
Stay with her. Work can wait.

If I was your manager I would send you straight home if you came in.

Your daughter’s health is far more important than what your boss may think of you.

That depends on whether what the boss thinks of her results in her losing her job. OP seems to have been off work for more than half of this year so far, and has had warnings. So if her daughter is on an ordinary ward, it seems as though going to work and visiting her for an hour or two afterwards night be sensible. She can presumably be contacted if there's any change.

Take compassionate leave - your daughter nearly died.

If compassionate leave isn't an option, then call in sick. Get your gp to sign you off for a fortnight and then see where you are - you're in no fit state to work.