Daughter in hospital, what am I meant to do about work.

[123dontcomeatme]

Dd is 19 and has been in hospital since thur evening. She was originally in resus where i stayed with her till 4am, went home for a few hours and was back at 10am. She's on a ward now but still very unwell and not likely to be home for a few days..

There is only me visiting/ taking in clothes/ snacks etc. I have chronic fatigue and am exhausted.

I'm meant to be working tomorrow, what do I do? I can't think straight at all. Ive got it in my head that since she's 19 I'm meant to just work and visit after work but she's so unwell and I'm struggling myself.

I didn't work fri, I was with her in hospital until 4am, came home and slept for a few hours, packed a bag and went back in. I was planning on catching up with work over the weekend but I just can't. I ll need to be at the hospital at 10 again this morning.

What do people do in this situation?

I’m sorry to read this.

What hours do you usually work? And from where (office / home)?

I am reading between the lines here op, and I think you need to stay with her. I would be very frank and honest with your manager, and ask them for support, and a solution that works.

You are in an incredibly difficult position but this is not your fault, and you are doing your best.

Please get yourself signed off from work. They can give you sickness warnings all they like, but you have a disability and they have to make reasonable adjustments due to that. Unfortunately one of the downsides of chronic fatigue (other than the extreme tiredness) is how ill you become and how difficult it is to shake bugs off. Sounds like you are already struggling and this emotional hit you have taken with your DD is going to affect you too.
You are doing incredibly well to even be working with CFS/ME. (I'm not able to)
May also be worth joining a union, if you don't already belong, as they can be invaluable in situations like these.
Good luck and look after yourself x

In a similar situation I took compassionate leave, emergency leave for dependants (though perhaps your daughter too old) and then sick leave.

Check your works policy/ ask your manager.

Definately don t worry about your work.
Telephone your line manager first thing Mon am and say your unfit for work as exhausted,.
GP s are very good at offering sick notes in situations like this.
I hope you're daughter recovers well.

@Mumofoneandone says. You have a disability so have a protected characteristic. Although they could try and force you out due to sickness, you’d win at tribunal. I’d be inclined to sign yourself off for last Friday and tomorrow. Make a GP appointment to get signed off for the rest of the week.

Otherwise, https://www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants. There isn’t a set number of days/times allowed but your daughter can still be classed as your dependent.

Good luck and I hope your daughter gets well soon. I’ve been in your shoes too many times.

Oh, it's great that you know which hospital she's in which ward she's on and what the visiting hours are in that hospital on that ward

🙄🙄

I’m also reading between the lines following your updates.
Take the time to be with your daughter.
Speak to your manager, if she’s supportive she’ll want to support a valued employee through a difficult time. If you’re both trying to avoid additional sick leave then she may have discretion to authorise carers or special leave.

If you look after both yourself and DD at the moment you will be fully fit enough to do your job sooner than if you struggle on not being able to give anything your full attention and feeling you’re doing a bad job all round

Yes agree with PPs, if it’s an overdose she’s taken or some otherwise self inflected harm she’s caused herself then don’t hesitate to be signed off sick by your GP with stress/ exhaustion

Just because visiting is 10-7 it doesn’t mean you have to be there the whole day. You’ve got health issues yourself so running ragged isn’t going to help you! She’s an adult so can always phone you if she needs anything and just go in once a day for a few hours. If she’s as unwell as you say, she needs to rest too! Speak to you manager and see what the emergency leave policy is and discuss some form of flexible working on a temporary basis as to be honest she’ll probably need you around a bit more once she’s home!

As a manager I’d absolutely not expect you into work in this situation. Potentially able to answer any v urgent queries on text or in a quick chat if you were able to. Hope she’s better very soon.

If your dd is getting better then going to work could be possible. If she’s not recovering well then ask for time off. I’d say if possible work if your job is not critical (driving, observation skills, concentration skills) so that you can take time off when your dd is back home and needs looking after.

She hadn't taken sn overdose.
She's had a massive anaphylaxis reaction. Struggling still with breathing and dangerously low blood pressure which isn't coming back up.

She's 19, not 19 months. You've been doing a lot, she may still be very unwell but she's improved a bit by the sounds of things. Certainly if she's asking for stuff she must have turned a corner. She can wait, you need to catch up on sleep and then get into work.
Going forward, a bag with snacks, a couple of books or whatever and an hour's visit after work would be fine, she's old enough to understand you have a job to do and workplace responsibilities.

I think the best idea is phone your manager and tell them you are stressed out because of the situation and give yourself a week. It sounds like you need a decent time to sleep anyway before you return to your job. I do send Best Wishes for your daughter to have a speedy recovery. I wonder is there anyone else who could do some of the visits so you can get a decent sleep in. If not it might be a god idea on one f the days visit her for the afternoon only and stay at home one evening so you can sleep.

The impact on you is very stressful. I’d ask your doctor to sign you off sick if needs be. It’s not ideal but needs must.

I’m so sorry that your daughter is ill .

As a manager of a team I would be horrified and upset ( whilst not making it about me ) that you even doubted what to do here .
Mine all know that family comes first in times of trouble , as I appreciate their input and commitment all year round .

All I’d be asking is that they take care of themselves and their daughter and giving me updates on the progress of the patient ( couldn’t care less when they are back at work again , the workload would be for me to cover )

Please don’t even think about working at this time . You are not taking the P but attending to your current priority .

Wishing your daughter a speedy and full recovery .

Speak to your manager first thing Monday, explain the sitation and that you havent slept. Off to take it as sick leave, annual leVe fron next year or compassionate leave. Explain you can not work Monday and might need to adjust hours for the week as you need to get back to the hospital for her. Depends on your role but most prople would be ok with this.

It’s not taking the piss to be in the hospital with your daughter who’s very ill, surely your work will understand that?

If you don't want to take sick leave - and I can understand why not - I would ask your manager whether:

• can you have a week off unpaid to look after your daughter?
• can you be allowed to take a week of next years holiday early?

Hope she’s on the mend soon OP.

If there are complications you are hardly taking the piss.

Do you realise how much you get in goodwill by being kind to employees? I'm glad I never worked for your organisation.

making yourself ill over hospital visiting isn’t sensible.

Putting yo ur job at risk when you are already on an absence warning is not sensible.

hospital visiting hours are 10-7 to allow flexibility, not to increase problems. The idea is you pick an hour/two hours within that day to visit at a time that works round your life.

when your daughter is back at home presumably you will go to work? Why not do that when she is being looked after, if you can?

i would visit her 10-1 today, then go home and rest ready for work tomorrow. If you are still too ill to work tomorrow then you have no choice to be sick, but you have plenty of time to rest.

Hope your daughter recovers soon.

It sounds like there’s a few big girl pants on conversations needed here.

1. With your daughter. Her health is important, as is yours. She sounds like she could benefit from a reminder of that. Yes she’s needs support, and reassurance and company. That doesn’t mean it’s ok to run you ragged with lots of requests for stuff to bring in / wash / get from the shops. If it’s not available from a petrol station you can stop outside on the way to / from, or the hospital shop - then she can wait. It doesn’t do either of you any good for you to get ill too. Yes, this will be tough for you as you want to do everything you can for your daughter who’s been dangerously ill, but to be there for the long term you need to not break yourself in the short term. Being bored does no one any harm.
2. Have a sensible conversation with your manager. Actual conversation, not text or email. Although you can set it up like that. Explain the situation and what you feel your options are. They’re probably along the lines of:

Come to work as normal all week, knackered and distracted. Take Monday to sleep and visit daughter, and do rest of week as normal, knackered and distracted. Do an hour or two on Monday to clear decks / reassign stuff, and then off sick until you’ve recovered from impact of daughter issue on your CFS. Do massively reduced hours each day and use rest of time on daughter and rest. Self declare sick until you’ve recovered enough to work.

3, Have a sensible conversation with your daughters doctor about how next few days are likely to look, and tell them you need to make plans with work and managing your CFS. Ask about likely time frames, and what she’ll need after discharge. It’s often the case that the patient needs more from family after they’re discharged than they do while they’re in hospital at which point it’s important to pace yourself.

Today is Sunday. Hopefully you or her can line up some friends to visit her for entertainment and you pop in start and end of the visiting times and in between get home and rest properly.