Daughter in hospital, what am I meant to do about work.

[123dontcomeatme]

Dd is 19 and has been in hospital since thur evening. She was originally in resus where i stayed with her till 4am, went home for a few hours and was back at 10am. She's on a ward now but still very unwell and not likely to be home for a few days..

There is only me visiting/ taking in clothes/ snacks etc. I have chronic fatigue and am exhausted.

I'm meant to be working tomorrow, what do I do? I can't think straight at all. Ive got it in my head that since she's 19 I'm meant to just work and visit after work but she's so unwell and I'm struggling myself.

I didn't work fri, I was with her in hospital until 4am, came home and slept for a few hours, packed a bag and went back in. I was planning on catching up with work over the weekend but I just can't. I ll need to be at the hospital at 10 again this morning.

What do people do in this situation?

Could you try to consider yourself a bit more? Most of what I've read you're concerned about day to day jobs, your employer and understandably your daughter's near death experience.
You have a health condition. You are at risk of total burn out.
You have been through a terrifying ordeal where your daughter was seriously unwell.
When she is discharged, she will still need care.
You are allowed to look after yourself.
Work will still work without you.
Go to bed, focus on you and check in with your DD.

I agree. Visiting hours are lengthy to allow for flexibility, not with the intention of having one person sitting with the patient all day.

You'll need to make some compromises and prioritise your own needs to keep everything ticking over.

Does your daughter live with you? Do you work from home or at work base? I think your next steps depend on what level of care (if any) your daughter will require once discharged. If she’ll be safe to be on her own once home, perhaps you can request unpaid leave for a day or two. If longer, then other plans may need to be made.

If you need to keep your job, I'd go in. If you've already had a warning, I would explain to your manager what's happening and see if you can reduce your hours or something for a few days. But this isn't your employers issue to solve, it's yours. And I don't mean that horribly. I hope your DD is soon on the mend.

@ByQuaintAzureWasp
Welcome to the NHS
We don’t make the rules we just have to follow them

What you didn’t see in my post is that no one will be insisting this mum turns up to work in the morning
Its just the process of ensuring a fair and consistent approach is taken to absence

At the same time her team would be texting her , giving her a lift , making food if it would help etc
Its not all heartless

One thing to consider is that she may actually need to rest instead of having you there all day. A couple hours, yes. But I think you may need to take some time for yourself too. I was in hospital for 4 days recently and honestly I needed to sleep a lot. Visitors were work.

There was a poor guy next to me who was there due to self harm (it was a ward with a very random mix of neurology, head/neck injuries, he had a head injury so that’s how we ended up neighbours). He had his mum, uncle, 2 aunties, uncle’s gf, 2 elderly great aunts, some neighbour, a friend, like it was a constant parade and they’d all spend all visiting hours there, which was like 8-8. Constant food orders, trips to the shop, putting whatever football game on so he could watch on his phone. He seemed completely exhausted and frazzled by it all.

I know that isn’t the same as with your dd because it’s just you, but I would make sure to give her time to rest. And also take care of yourself . Take the time off work. You just have to tell them you’ve had a family emergency and your chronic fa has been flaring and you are unwell. If you truly can’t, rest today and go in tomorrow. You have to think long term because your dd will also need you when she is discharged.

I think you just call your manager, explain the situation, and it's up to work how they are going to manage your absence.

If I was you I would suggest taking another full day to be with her at the hospital while things are critical. And the next morning call your manager with an update, and if things are calming down you offer to work from home in the afternoons while she is in hospital which gives you a chance to rest a little in the morning, get to hospital for 10am, stay until 12, go home and work 2-6pm.

I know how hard it feels when you've had time off already, it does definitely sound like they need to make some reasonable adjustments for you at work going forward.

If she needs help when she gets home then you may need to re-work things again.

Hope your daughter gets better soon

It would be very unusual for the policy not to allow a manager’s discretion, but I would say for public sector this would be the usual approximate approach.

When my DH was in ICU/HDU (post-major-surgery and post-complications-of-surgery) I worked flexibly and took a day’s annual leave over a week so I could be with him for the whole of visiting. When he came home I WFH and took some more half days annual leave. I was beyond tired, because I only slept for brief periods, but I kept on working while he was in hospital because being there was even more important when he came home.

OP hasn’t said whether she can WFH or whether taking some unpaid leave is a possibility.

It’s really tough as you want to be there for your daughter whilst considering work. Having just spent a week in hospital very unwell, I’d echo what others say re long visiting hours - they are for flexibility rather than encouraging visitors for the full period. As a patient it’s exhausting & hard work & I found myself longing for them to bugger off. Now I’m home I need more input & keeping an eye on… so worth considering if you may need more flexibility from work when she’s actually home. Wishing you both well.

This.
Contact your manager and explain. Ask for compassionate leave and if not forthcoming take annual leave. You're not sick, you're worried and exhausted.

Most people wouldn't be in a fit state to work, it's understandable. I hope things improve and your manager is understanding.

I hope your husband has recovered well , that sounds really stressful and as we all recognise here - work is the last thing anyone should have to be worrying about
You are right about the managers discretion but unfortunately due to a number of staff taking advantage there is always a process to follow
I was given a days compassionate release then asked what I wanted to do when I had a child in hospital , I chose a weeks AL but was then signed off by my GP and had another week.

I would phone in sick tomorrow morning and then depending on how your DD is tomorrow, depends on your next steps.

Stress is an illness and you struggling.

I probably would ring and explain that my DD is in hospital and can’t come in (regardless of age) but I know my manager has had time off for that himself and would be very understanding.

If you don’t want to ask for compassionate leave then I would just phone in sick but not mention what sicknesses it is.

You don’t need to tell them on the phone what sickness it is.
I believe you can self certify for 5 days.
Or see a doctor and get a doctors note if you need more time than just a couple of days.

Posters are missing that the OP has used all her annual leave and the new one does not start until April. And the OP has had a warning earlier this year due to extended sick leave.

Could you afford two days unpaid leave, tomorrow and Tuesday? if so, I'd take those and use them to organise myself both at home and the hospital, take you DD the things she needs and then from Wed just visit after work for an hour or so.

You won't regret the time you spent with her in the hospital, but you will regret going to work if she needs you.

That's not to say you need to be by her bedside 24/7. You're no use to her if you're broken, take breaks and rest, make sure you have enough energy to be alert and helpful when you visit.

Wishing you and her all the best.

If I was your boss I would tell
you to take what time you needed and we’d sort it out. You can have unpaid or owe it back or be off sick. Your priority is your daughter. I would also expect the same of my boss.

Can you “unofficially” borrow next year ‘s leave by agreement with your manager eg book 1 and 2 April off but work those days and take Mon and Tue off next week?

I let my staff do this sort of thing to juggle the end of the leave year.

I would just put in a sick note. Some of the managers on here are the worst examples of managers - where is the compassion!!

I got signed off sick by my GP in a similar situation. He put down Stress at Home as the reason.

Hope you're DD gets well soon 🙏

It is often easier to call your GP and ask for a phone consultation. Explain the situation and how stressed you are, not sleeping etc and how this is affecting your health too. Ask the GP if they can sign you off which I know they will not have a problem doing.

As a manager, this is so much easier as you have been officially signed off, no discretion required, no additional paperwork. You do not need to worry about work and can just concentrate on your daughter.
To look after others you need to take care of yourself and need a break to focus on your family. I hope she has a smooth recovery and is feeling better soon.

I’m glad to see this post. DS aged 16 had major surgery and was in hospital for two weeks. I was a teacher and couldn’t take time off work. I visited him every evening and then at weekends.

so caring

The OP said earlier that she was off sick most of January and then again the following month, and she had a warning. This is why she doesn't know what to do.

Otherwise she wouldn't need to ask Mumsnet, I guess. She'd just get sick leave.

Your daughter’s health is far more important than what your boss may think of you.

You’re absolutely not taking the piss.

I don’t have a particularly ‘fair’ manager, but when my DS was hospitalised she was very understanding about me going to and from the hospital with things he was needing, and that I had essentially not slept in 36 hours being by his side, sick with worry.

I hope your DD gets better soon as possible ❤️ xx