EBSA support thread 2

[Luddite26]

Hopefully this links to Brambley Hedges EBSA support thread.
A community to discuss the processes and support each other when children are experiencing Emotionally Based School Avoidance.

That is wonderful to read @Leafywool. DD’s 7/10 is brilliant too, @ISaySteadyOn.

because for them to say they can't meet need and no specialist provision be suitable DS is going to have to show them he isn't coping in school, but he's absolutely fine apparently once he's in there.

@Jimmyneutronsforehead, I agree with @Piony.

‘Fine apparently’ doesn’t necessarily mean DS is fine. Although it is early days in terms of transition into the school.

The threshold for EOTAS/EOTIS is that it is inappropriate for provision to be made in a school (or college or early years provider but they don’t apply to you). But that doesn’t meet a CYP has to try and ‘fail’ to cope in a school or schools first. You need evidence but it is possible to prove it is inappropriate for provision to be made in a school &/or that a specific school is not suitable without that or without them even ever attending a school or school full stop.

I don't really want EOTAS for him, he is so bright and academically able and he is desperate for connection with peers just like him and I don't want to deprive him of that.

I’m not commenting on whether the threshold for EOTAS/EOTIS is met in DS’s case, but this is a misunderstanding of EOTAS/EOTIS. DC don’t have to be deprived of connection with peers or academics.

Thank you @Piony and @2x4greenbrick you're both so knowledgeable and I'm really grateful to both of you

Don't say you failed. 🩷 Things are just not going your way right now but it's not because of your failings.
The only exercise I have been any good at as an adult is walking. Try a quick walk round the block minimal fath. and you can go further when you have time. or walk faster. I like looking in people's gardens and giving them marks in my head for effort. I have had to start walking with a stick as I'm getting a lot of pain ( long COVID apparently after everything else has been eliminated) but it's nice to get out and I don't like mixing in gyms etc. plus you can go alone or with others. a nice time to think or chat.🍁

Thanks for your post @Piony it really made a lot of sense!
To me much of it covered why Home Ed was the best option for us.
But for so many people it is not the best option because of the support you lose.
But it does seem to be a constant battle to get a child's needs met.
No wonder councils accuse parents of being aggressive because we are failed over and over again even the simplist of needs fail to be met that's why it becomes a battle.

Nothing wrong with using your emotional brain. It's allowed. One thing I know from your articulate and insightful posts is that you are far from stupid. I have seen high academic capability used as a positive reason for both EOTAS and home ed, but that is not to say it is best for every child or any particular child. Personally I am quite relieved DS has always been keen to go to school for the peer group.

How did we get to a point where tears on the way in counts as normal, or even good? Huge respect to you all still going through the worst of it every day. I remember feeling like I'd been put through a shredder by 9.30 every morning, I feel shaky again just thinking about it.

@ISaySteadyOn no not a failure. I'm not sure if it was you or @Leafywool who said it, but not going in is a neutral day not a failure. Re exercise yes I struggle with this too. How about you and I both do a 10 min walk today? I can head out early to pick up DS and do mine from the college car park.

It was me saying the neutral thing. We made it to the gates today but she couldn't do it. Half a win?

I feel sad for mine sometimes because I think they look at school as a punishment and not an opportunity.

Will definitely try to walk today. It's what I mainly do but I would quite like to do weights more.

DD in today. It's art and she loves art. I might ask them if there is any way she can get more art in her week because that would definitely get her in.

How has everyone's morning gone?

@ISaySteadyOn My dd has art for the first time today. Double art then music! I would have died and gone to heaven if that was my Friday afternoon at school. She’s gone in again happily this morning 🙏🏻

How are you feeling?

Exhausted, worried but less incompetent than yesterday.

DS uttered the words 'I like school' this morning. It was in a sarcastic tone but he still said it. And DH is always good for a hug and reminders of how a critical sod (he is actually a total softie) like him loves me to bits so I must be pretty good really.

Ideal for me would have been English Lit and then nothing but foreign languages as many as could fit.

@ISaySteadyOn it is exhausting and often feels absolutely relentless but I am glad you have had a slightly better day today.

We have had a very rough day but not even down to EBSA. It’s a very long story but random girl at new school has decided to target dd and it’s escalated into her spreading a rumour that dd has brought a knife in to school. Dd was pulled out of class and searched by safeguarding and is obviously extremely upset and devastated by the whole thing. School didn’t handle it well at all and we had no idea until dd managed to message us in the afternoon. She said all the staff who spoke to her were very accusatory and one of them said she was acting suspicious because she wasn’t making eye contact 😡 I picked her up and she sobbed all the way home. We’ve made an official complaint and DH spoke to the head who said they will do a full investigation. My poor poor dd I feel wretched for her. She’s genuinely so lovely and caring and wouldn’t dream of saying a bad word about anyone. And she’s trying so hard with school for some random girl (who she doesn’t know and has never even spoke to btw!) to ruin it all.

@Leafywool and @ISaySteadyOn Sounds like a really positive end to the week.

DS luckily came out on a high today but was very difficult again this morning in front of the deputy head at drop off.

He started thrashing about and hitting me, but then took himself in.

She pulled me to the side to ask if he was OK and I said yeah he just doesn't like the coming to school part and he can be like this on a morning it just normally precedes getting into the car. She said yesterday he was hitting staff and other children and refusing to participate in any structured activities and wouldn't entertain lunch or his snacks.

At pick up today though she said he has had a much better day.

I've got the forms for the transport application, and still not sure whether to apply for transport or just request the mileage. There's pros and cons for both. I don't want to make his behaviour someone else's problem and I also want to be aware of what he says as he does a lot of opening up in the car when he's struggling that he most likely will not relay at a later time once the moment has passed, I like having that face to face contact on a morning and on an afternoon directly with the teachers if he's been finding things difficult, and we're happy to take him ourselves but it's a school bus, he does like buses, it might cut off the home/school transition at our front door mentally for him and who knows, maybe he will behave better for someone else.

my goodness @Leafywool I am so sorry to read your post. you just couldn't make it up. DD must have had the stuffing knocked out of her. So bloody random. How awful. That's DD's trust gone .💐

How dreadful @Leafywool. If your complaint was before DH spoke to the HT, follow up the conversation with an email.

@Jimmyneutronsforehead whatever you decide, you can change your mind. If you opt for transport, it doesn’t have to be a bus if that isn’t suitable. Transport has to be non-stressful.

On the whole @Jimmyneutronsforehead you have had a pretty positive week I hope you all have a nice weekend together I'm glad the HT took an interest when she saw you both.
I would say you have nothing to lose giving the transport a go. But it's such a tightrope that's not completely true. I would give it a try nothing ventured nothing gained!🤞

I also think transport is worth a try. If it doesn’t work out then go back to your original set up (if the change back won’t stress him out too much!) @Jimmyneutronsforehead

Thank you @Luddite26@2x4greenbrick - the phone call was after the email complaint so I’ll get him to follow up. She is actually doing ok tonight considering. She went to her autism group and is happily sat under a blanket watching TV with me, but we’ll see how she is on Monday morning. I am absolutely shattered 😑

you must be drained @Leafywool. I'm glad DD has been out and hopefully doesn't dwell on it this weekend..

How's everyone doing? I am having a break because DD's half term has started and DS will only go to school with DH.

I hope you can feel rested from your break @ISaySteadyOn.
it's more like a fire breaker than a five star spa break I'm thinking.
have you any plans or are they on half terms at different times?

@ISaySteadyOn enjoy your much deserved break.

So far so good this week, bar a minor issue involving an umbrella.

Have been invited to parents evening though in November and it's giving me a bit of anxiety. Had an abdominal scan as well this week and now my GP wants to talk to me urgently so that's definitely contributing and it isn't all school related.

Hope you have a restful week @ISaySteadyOn!

@Jimmyneutronsforehead Sorry you have health stuff going on, on top of everything else. Hope all is well 💐

Dd understandably didn’t make it in yesterday. In the afternoon she said she was going to school today, but again she struggled this morning. I kept the pressure off and said the option to take her in late is there if she changes her mind, and she did! I dropped her off in time for her English class. She was anxious in the car but said to me she just needs to do it, and after today she knows she will be ok again. I honestly can’t tell you how proud I am of her, she’s trying so hard and manage to overcome so much that’s been thrown at her in such a short space of time. Her maturity and the way she’s handled everything has been incredible.

@Leafywool I don't think my health stuff is terribly extreme, I've looked at my NHS app since having a panic attack this morning and I reckon my GP just wants to tell me to stop being fat as I couldn't see anything particularly life limiting. They sent a text for me to book an appointment as though my life was hanging by a thread when really it just seems to be fatty liver with no other complications based on what I can see.

@Leafywool amazing and well done to your daughter. She is a very courageous person.

Dd struggling again this morning. She did say yesterday she thought going in would make it easier for the rest of the week but it hasn’t. She said she’s so tired and feels burnt out as she masks heavily at school. I’ve given her the option of going in late again but I’m not sure she will take it up today. She said she knows it’s half term break next week but we are going away Sunday to Friday (just to the lakes and we have nothing planned, just very low demand not doing much for the week) but she does find going away hard, so it won’t be much of a break for her - which obviously I feel bad about. Don’t get me wrong, she will mostly enjoy it but I know she needs a big stretch of doing nothing at home.

DH & I have a meeting with the lead Sendco and the DSL tomorrow and I need to work out exactly what I need to mention to try and make things work for her. But I honestly don’t know what will work for her except starting late. I assume that would be a short term thing with a view to being in full time again so it’s not exactly going to fix all our problems. I don’t know what else we can do - happy to take any suggestions of things we can explore if anyone has any?

We can see she’s trying so so hard and I really hope the school recognise that too.

How did it go today @Leafywool?