EBSA support thread 2

[Luddite26]

Hopefully this links to Brambley Hedges EBSA support thread.
A community to discuss the processes and support each other when children are experiencing Emotionally Based School Avoidance.

College was interesting. A couple difficulties which DD would have rejected outright a year ago but yesterday she said she didn't know. You will all understand that this is huge.

DD2's school is bending over backwards and doing contortionist knots to try and help her. I appreciate it immensely but DD2 has to take advantage of the opportunities given and accept the offered help and she won't. It's actually very frustrating.

DS continues to do well. He has discovered the opportunities his school offers and has grabbed at them. He's home late 4/5 days now because he is at a club or hanging with a friend.

@2x4greenbrick good suggestion but she wouldn’t even want to leave class because the general rule is no toilet breaks during class time. So it would still highlight something ‘different’ about her. I asked if her friends use the toilets at break/lunch and she said yes. And she said she will do it eventually but doesn’t feel comfortable yet, so we will see. She’s adamant that she doesn’t want me to email school to ask for toilet adjustments!

A ‘don’t know’ rather than a flat out no is definitely huge!

Totally get your frustration re dd2 school situation. We’ve had this conversation repeatedly with dd - the help is there but she has to accept it to get any benefit from it. Sorry I have no advice but understand.

Poor dd has come down with an awful cold. Such bad timing since she’s only just started but I’ve kept her off today. She did power through yesterday despite not feeling great in the morning but was so sniffly and unwell last night and she had a high temperature this morning too. I guess it’s inevitable since she’s not mixed with so many people for almost a year! She’s in good spirits, but was gutted she missed her first drama class today.

It genuinely is still going very well so far. She’s very tired and worn out but enjoying school. Her new friends have been lovely and she’s getting on ok in classes despite missing so much last year. We had a big chat last night about everything and at the moment I genuinely believe she’s ok at the moment. She’s very articulate and understands her own feelings very well, so is good at expressing how she’s feeling. I said to her I was worried as when she started Y7 last year she appeared extremely happy at the start and threw herself into friendships and after school clubs etc, but she explained to me that she was so happy because she felt very grown up and independent all of a sudden. She said she likes her new school but isn’t super excited like she was last year, she just feels quite neutral about it all. There’s a couple of classes she’s not that keen on but she said it’s fine as everyone has classes they do and don’t like.

But generally compared to this time last year she has matured a lot and also learnt a lot about herself and what she can/cant cope with. So I am feeling a bit less worried and slightly more hopeful at the end of this first week. I am glad there’s just another 2 weeks then half term, as we are going away for a few days and it will give us all an opportunity to relax. God knows we need it!

DS has done well this week, but did come out of school yesterday with blood all over his nose and mouth and nobody bothered mentioning at hand off if it was just a spontaneous nosebleed or if he had any bumps.

I did ask him if he had a good day and he said play school is bad, and when I asked why he just said got bumped.

I have told them he does get nosebleeds and not to make a fuss over it, just stick him somewhere quiet with an unholy amount of tissue so maybe they just didn't make a fuss as that's what I asked but I'd still like to know the cause of the nosebleed, especially given his poor blood clotting.

So this morning because of the bleed he had a bit of a wobble and then that escalated when we had to ask to be let in to the car park rather than just driving straight in but as soon as the engine was off it was just like a switch was flicked and he was in school mode.

Didn't manage to get the flu jab though because apparently the system shouldn't have let me book the jab as it's only available for high school up and the nurse told the teacher to relay if I feel that DS needs the jab for medical reasons I need to go back to pur GP 🫠 despite the form asking does my child require the jab for medical reasons. From my playground earwigging though it doesn't sound like many of the kids accepted the nasal vaccine either so it's going to be a very snotty winter at school.

Good morning to everyone and good luck!

Fingers crossed about DDs this morning but DS' attendance is up to 92%! And we just came up with a plan for him to do his homework regularly. All right it involves a bit of bribery but still...

Fantastic re DS @ISaySteadyOn 🙏🏻

We’ve had a really bad morning. Dd spent all weekend getting over her cold and is still a bit sniffly this morning but nothing major. She’s been extremely anxious again and I feel like history is repeating itself. I’ve had to go to work so left DH dealing with it and he was going to drive her in, but she got ready and could not stop crying. She’s insisting she still doesn’t feel well so she’s off again today but DH has made it clear she is going tomorrow no matter what. I think the early morning transition is difficult for her but I have no idea what has gone so wrong after having such a good week last week.

I am frustrated as I feel like anxiety is ruling her life and subsequently ruining it. I told her this morning that I’ll email school so they can speak to her and see if they can help but she said they will just take her to the SEN corridor and she doesn’t want anyone to see her to there. What am I meant to do if she won’t allow anyone to know she needs extra support and will just mask 24/7? I said to DH I think she needs some therapy to help her manage her anxiety but she will just mask there too. She’s just finished a 12 week block of talking therapy with a charity and it was pretty much pointless as she just went and did some crafts every week and didn’t actually talk about anything. I honestly don’t know what to do.

Also this is exactly why she needs a place in the RP and the support she’s entitled to from the start. As all that is going to happen is she won’t be able to access school again because the local authority don’t seem to give a shit and the same pattern will repeat itself forever and ever.

I hear you. Both my DDs are the same. They are, as I imagine your DD is, such capable bright people but it gets clouded by anxiety. I hear you about the masking too. Does yours refuse all offers of any help from you whatsoever?

Forgive my ignorance but what does RP stand for?

Also, mine never wants me to email school about anything.

I've left planning for DSs EHCP review right up to the last second and on Friday they sent home all the starter pack information I had already emailed them as they want it in paper form rather than just digital and my printer is playing up, and his DLA form is just sitting right in front of me as well begging to be finished.

DS did not want to go in today at all but I can't get anything done while he's around so he went in kicking and screaming today. They said we'll call you if he doesn't settle and I just said yeah, sure ok, but internally I thought oh please don't, not today.

I'm actually glad they got to see him like this though because usually all his behaviour is at home or in the car and then he's fine once we've passed the threshhold so because they haven't seen him at his worst then I fear they won't take me seriously when I talk about EBSA.

I still feel like they haven't seen enough.

Sometimes I think that if I were a better mother or a more organised or brusque and efficient one, maybe I wouldn't have had this problem. Maybe their struggles are all my fault somehow. And if I could fix me to be better, they would be better.

@Jimmyneutronsforehead 💐.

You need a bonk on the head, you're the best mother they could have and I really truly mean that.

If you start thinking of yourself in this hierarchy of motherhood you're always doomed to fail because there's no such thing as perfection. There will always be something you think you could be doing better, when the reality is we're human beings with children who are also human beings which are basically meat sacks with electrical currents running through them, and there are limits to what our meat sack bodies and brains can do and put up with and achieve in a 24 hour day.

Personally I think if I was a tall, dark haired, olive skinned beauty then I could have married a beautiful, rich Brazilian man who would have paid for outside help for all of my human shortcomings but alas I was doomed to always be a disorganised, short, fat council estate lass who only has the executive function to brush my teeth or my hair in the same 24 hour period. The teeth win, btw. Hairbrushes hate to see me coming.

if I think they are going to say no to me doing something like contacting the school, sometimes it's better to just do it than to ask them. "No" is always the default when they are super anxious and they feel they need to control everything to feel safe, but at the same time they actually can't control everything. When you do safeguarding training they tell you you can't promise to keep secrets for children. There are some things that are just too big and the adult has no choice but to report. I see this as similar - you have a duty of care to them and if you do it without asking then you are not technically overruling them. What's the phrase, sometimes it is better to ask for forgiveness than permission. But it is a difficult balancing act when they are in crisis and you need to maintain that trust with them. The more overwhelmed they are the less they can process what you say so when the child is very distressed I think you just go over their head and do not engage them in a debate about what you're going to do. But in practice everything is shades of grey and seen through the lens of their distressed state and it is very difficult indeed.

@Leafywool stress bucket model, she has a lot in her bucket already with the cold and new start so hopefully the day at home will buy her back a bit of capacity. I do hope tomorrow goes well. I wonder if a shorter day tomorrow would be more manageable and also swerve the toilet pressure for now.

@ISaySteadyOn so pleased to hear how well DS is getting on. Love a bit of cooperative, self aware bribery. Long term it can only be positive for his sisters to see him enjoying life a bit more.

On Ed Psych suggestion we ended up getting a private psychiatrist for DS, who prescribed meds. I still find it unbelievable that he was clearly so unwell, not functioning and hurting himself yet he didn't meet the threshold for CAMHS to even assess him. But it may be a completely different situation to your YP, mine was utterly unable to engage in talking therapy.

@Jimmyneutronsforehead you have a brilliant way with words. @ISaySteadyOn she's completely right. EBSA takes most of us outside the realm of what we even knew existed.

@Jimmyneutronsforehead mighg it be a good sign that he is letting them see him more dysregulated? I know after DS moved to RP (resourced provision @ISaySteadyOn - specialised unit within mainstream school) he was more reactive than he had been at MS because he felt more understood.

I do email the school even when she says not to for exactly the reasons you state.

It's funny you say that about DS enjoying life more because I hadn't thought about it that much being preoccupied with other things. But now I think about it, he is. He is happier overall, more tolerant, more sympathetic, more generous and I think he gets lots of merits in school because he's a good lad and works hard. Setbacks occur, of course.

I guess how do I help the girls discover what DS has found? I worry that my own anxiety about them not going and the constant sort of supplicating I feel I have to do means they think I have no confidence in their abilities. I do! Otherwise I wouldn't be trying so hard.

I desperately want the new college for DD 1 to work but I don't think it will. I have left the house for the moment because I am so upset and sad and angry with them too. I have actually worked hard and contorted my dyspraxic self to help them and it is still not enough. I can't do it for them and they won't do it themselves.

You're putting yourself under so much pressure to solve it all now. I guess these things take a long time to develop - for DS it was years in hindsight - and it can take months or years to resolve. It's so frustrating, it feels like time is ticking by and being wasted but sometimes there is nothing you can do to progress the healing. If it takes time that is not your failure. I remember being signed off work with "stress" which I think was burnout and it was incomprehensible to me that 6 weeks off would not deliver a complete recovery, but as my GP had predicted it took a lot longer.

I'm not sure what support you have in place for yourself. Personally I have not managed to access much because when things were worst I felt I didn't have the bandwidth, but I have friends who have really benefitted from parent support groups and individual counselling when supporting their children with this. You are carrying a lot and creating a bit of space for you as an individual would be really healthy if you don't have that at the moment. Also I try to do one thing every day that is purely for my own enjoyment even if it's tiny. Stay in touch with the actual me, not just the functions I am performing IYSWIM.

I go to the library. I feel calm there. Plus I can find more books.

I do feel pressure to solve it all now because DD1 should be doing GCSEs this year.

Thanks everyone for letting me go on and on.

This term of Y11 is extremely fraught. You can see the weeks ticking by and at the same time the pressure of sorting college.

I figure she is just going to have to repeat y11 anyway. So maybe I ought not to worry so hard.

Thanks all for the support. Sorry I’m just replying quickly on my lunch break so had a quick skim through!

I have emailed the Sendco to let them know what’s going on. I’ve asked dd to do her maths homework at least whilst she’s at home. I really am hoping it’s just a combination of still having a bit of a cold, not enough sleep (she wasn’t asleep until around midnight as she was anxiously faffing with her teddies, then I woke her up at 6), and waking up to a dark and very cold house. I feel frustrated as I was letting myself slightly believe that things might go well and I feel like we are back to square 1 again. Obviously she might get up and go no problems tomorrow but it’s just taken me right back to those awful feelings from her old school. @ISaySteadyOn I always resonate with what you say - I said this morning to DH that I have bent over backwards to keep dd happy and try and make this work and it’s still not good enough. I don’t think I have anything left.

i want to say stop your nonsense woman! but so often I think the same about myself so you won't listen. 💐

@ISaySteadyOn you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. There’s no rule saying DD has to do GCSEs in Y11, or even at all. MH has to be the priority. Academics can always come later. GCSEs and academics in general are of little use if you can’t functioning in everyday life.