EBSA support thread 2

[Luddite26]

Hopefully this links to Brambley Hedges EBSA support thread.
A community to discuss the processes and support each other when children are experiencing Emotionally Based School Avoidance.

So sorry @ISaySteadyOn.x💐

It was a good suggestion and might work for a lot of kids just not DD.

@ISaySteadyOn I feel exactly the same. It sounds like such a basic thing but I just want her to be the same as her friends, go to school and be happy. I find myself becoming so jealous of everyone whose kids go to school every day with minimal fuss and wonder what life would be like if we had the same. I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time

Well in an extreme turn of events, dd text me when she got on the train saying ‘I am so popular’ and it turns out she’s made some friends straight away. I did tell her she would be a novelty to everyone so they will all want to speak to her. She’s very sociable so having friends at school is such a big thing for her (one of the many reasons why she struggled so much at MNHES at the start). She’s exchanged numbers and been added to WhatsApp groups, and one of her new friends also gets the train so they went home together. She’s very happy, but was being very sassy and I asked her whose personality she has absorbed as she has a habit of doing that 🤣 I

am VERY suspicious about how happy she is as she absolutely loved secondary school when she first started in Y7 but then burnt herself out, but I am relieved as I was expecting the worst of the worst.

Take today as a win and enjoy it for now!

Thank you, I am trying to! I am sure you all understand the feeling of trying not to get your hopes up. I’m going to see if she wants her fave Maccies for tea as a well done 😃

Awwwww I am so glad today was a win @Leafywool
DD did so well to turn it around and persevere.

I know you won't be expecting an overnight miracle but that place does sound like they are more in tune. One can only hope. At least you may have an easier run in the morning. Maybe you can allow yourself to sleep without as much worry for tonight.💐

@Leafywool ride the high while it lasts and let's cross our fingers toes boobs and earlobes that it lasts a long time. What wonderful news 👏

I think we all do the social mirroring thing to some degree too. I'm certainly guilty of it. It can be a very normal way of gauging the social temperature until you're sure of your place but it sounds like she's in a good spot today. I'll raise a digital glass 🥂 and wish that her excitement about her new friends outweighs her anxiety. There's a really special feeling when you've found your tribe.

Thank you so much @Luddite26@Jimmyneutronsforehead I will definitely take it for now. She had a very slight wobble last night but it lasted 2 minutes and I think it’s because she was shattered. In bed for 10 and she’s up now getting ready so fingers crossed 🤞We’re just taking it one day at a time. Thank you all on this thread, I think I would have lost my mind without you all since the start of the year!

Yes, agree with you there. We're looking at a college for DD1 today. I always go in with rose tinted glasses hoping this will be the one, but today I don't think I will do that. I think I am going to feel very pessimistic. Maybe that will help me not get my hopes up.

@ISaySteadyOn I really hope it goes better than expected. Sometimes we can be surprised! I hope you have a better day today.

Dd dropped off at station no drama. She exchanged numbers with some girls yesterday and one of them is meeting her at the station to walk together. They finish early on a Weds and she’s been invited to go to Costa with them all after school 🥹🥹🥹

Actually, this is a private college so that helps because I am reminding myself that they have to sell the college to me.

@Luddite26 also, just out of curiosity I mentioned the possibility of online to DD2 and I was wrong about how she'd feel. She would consider it. I am glad I was wrong.

They do have to sell the college to you, but if they oversell and then don't deliver, the people who lose are you and DD, so pros and cons. Private might mean they can be more flexible in "allowing" part time studies than some state sixth forms. But maybe not an issue for her anyway in the right environment.

@Leafywool how lovely for DD. I hope you can afford to relax just a little today.

@Luddite26 how is your week going? Have you got your mojo back from that lovely conversation at the castle or are you still treading uphill?

@ISaySteadyOn I really hope it goes well today.

Absolutely no issues this morning for DS. Having a too good to be true feeling, like I need someone to pinch me and make sure I'm not still dreaming. Wednesdays are usually quite a hard day because it's the middle of the week, he just wishes it was Friday and it's low energy no reward but he practically skipped to the car.

We couldn't get out of the doors of the car though because the parking spots are very narrow so we had to go out of the boot, which DS found so fun that I fear we've established perhaps his preferred method of exiting the vehicle which could be detrimental if it becomes the only way he will exit the vehicle.

well done DS @Jimmyneutronsforehead . Whatever works hey! Maybe he'd settle for you using the door and opening the boot for him, unless you are keen on early morning contortionism!

@Piony I felt like a really fat cat trying to get through a tiny cat flap squeezing between the middle seat to get to the boot. I will not be making it a regular habit 😂

@Leafywool and @Jimmyneutronsforehead, I’m glad things are going well.

@ISaySteadyOn I hope the college visit went well. If online provision would work for DD2 but not an online school, you could look at separate, smaller, online providers for different subjects. Some find this slightly easier than the formal structure of an online school.

Knew today was too good to be true, he didn't even get out of the door before he had restraint collapse. The lady that brought him out was baffled, she said he was fine a minute ago and then suddenly he just burst into tears.

I know he's still settling in, but I really hoped specialist would be a place where he didn't feel like he had to hold it all in all day.

We're home now and he's just shut down.

How did the college visit go @ISaySteadyOn?

@Jimmyneutronsforehead oh bless him, he is still settling in so it’s understandable. I know I’m preaching to the choir here but it’s never going to be a linear journey. I hope you’re both ok this evening? I do have to admit the car boot thing did make me laugh. The last thing you need is the car boot being his new exit of choice 😭🤣

Dd had another good day. She hung out with two new friends in the town after school so was home later than yesterday. She was absolutely desperate for the toilet though - she refuses to go at school as the toilets are unisex (which did shock me when we went to look round on Monday - not sure if this is normal in secondaries now?!) so no idea what to do about that. I’ve told her she needs to go as she will make herself unwell if she keeps holding it in. She was being so rude to me in the car when I collected her which is VERY unlike her but I know she’s overwhelmed and shattered. I did tell her it’s not acceptable though, because it’s not no matter how she’s feeling. She fell asleep within an hour of being home and has been zonked since then so hopefully she will sleep it off…

@Leafywool we're both ok this evening.

He has eaten today which I think has helped because he isn't waiting for a shutdown to end before he's even getting the first calories of the day in. Huzzah for Greggs pepperoni pizza slices with all the cheese removed and the pepperonis religiously replaced before cutting the pizza into soldiers.

I do the same with coop mini pizzas for dd. Remove the pepperoni, scrape off all the cheese then add the pepperoni back on. He’s a man of good taste 😄

Also there's a fantastic user I think called keepingtoiletssafe who has posted a lot on other threads about unisex toilets in secondary school and how this impacts our children, and especially in the way your daughter is impacted.

If you've got time I'd definitely search for comments on other threads from this user if you've not already seen them.

Sometimes there can be quiet adjustments on loos for students who need them. A secret loo, access to RP even if they are not an official RP student, that kind of thing. Tricky one though when combined with her not wanting to look different.

I hope college went well @ISaySteadyOn

Thank you @Jimmyneutronsforehead I’ll definitely take a look at that.

@Piony Yes I was considering asking but she doesn’t want me to. Apparently her new friends do use the toilets so hopefully that will encourage her to but I’m not sure what else I can do for now.

@Leafywool would DD use the disabled toilet during lesson time (so others aren’t around to see if she is self-conscious)?