One of a group of friends spent weekend away being awful to me

[Askingabouttreesy67]

Went on a group weekend away with a group I'd known for years.
I've recently suffered a really traumatic bereavement so just needed to have a nice time.

One person in the group just made some awful comments to me throughout the weekend. We were hiking and saw a large toddler being carried and I commented it must be tough on that parent and hard to enjoy the activity. She said well your answer to everything is to leave the kids at home isn't it, you'll do anything to be apart from them.

I have no idea where she got this idea. I did say that our older teenager may not come on our next holiday with us but that's his choice. I said he mostly does his own thing but he's always included in our family life if he wants to be. Surely that's normal as kids get older?

I said my perfect day out is a walk around a National Trust property and she said well you won't want to do that anymore when your kids grow up. Even tiny little harmless things I said like that she turned against me.

She just wants to come across as so perfect saying she still does everything with her teenagers which just isn't realistic. No one else in the group seems irritated by her but I couldn't even look at her by the second day as she was so vile to me. Everything I said she would twist my words and paint me in a negative light.

I said we were taking the kids to Florida and she rolled her eyes and said she looked down upon people who enjoy those sort of holidays.

We drove past the place where my family have a holiday home and I said to another woman who I have a lovely mutual friend with that we should go sometime, the three of us. She was straight on this and said how could I be talking about going away with just one member of the group and how rude I was. I had previously offered the holiday home for our weekend away and she'd said she'd never stay somewhere like that as it wasn't nice enough for her.

My mum messaged me on the way back offering for me to come for dinner with all the family and she knew how happy and eager I was to get back so she deliberately went out of her way to make sure I was last to be dropped off and even then dropped me half a mile from the house with heavy bags to carry. Everyone else got dropped off at their houses.

There were loads of other comments and digs at me which I just tried to ignore. I have other friends who also can't stand this woman as she acts so superior to everyone and like her life and kids are so perfect.

I have loads of lovely friends who I can spend time with and not come away feeling like they've been negging me the whole time.

I really wish I'd spoken up for myself to be honest. I'm not sure if anyone else noticed how awful she was being as she always put it in a jokey way but it was really hurtful.

Is it worth saying something to her or just withdraw from the group? There's one member (who I was on about the holiday home with) who I have a separate friendship with anyway but the rest I'd probably lose touch with.

To me it sounds like she's really unhappy about something.
Maybe the picture perfect family she's painting to all of you is not as perfect in real life so she feels jealous.
Maybe she has relationship problems.
If she was my friend I would just call her and ask her openly what's her problem and does she want to talk to you about anything. I would want to find out why is she upset or why is she aiming her upset at you. Talk it out. See what's going on.
Friends should be able to challenge eachother when stuff like this happen.

I'd rather know and then either lose her if she's just "that kind of person with nothing nice to say" , or whatever is the problem vent it out and move on for both of you.
She sounds bitter. Maybe it's not even you she upset with.

Honestly, if it is still playing on your mind and you wish you'd said something then say something now.
Message her that you didn't appreciate her comments or being dropped so far from home when everyone else was dropped at their homes. Clearly, there is an issue and you want it nipped in the bud now.
Then I'd either message the ones you want to stay in touch with and leave the group chat or stay in the group chat and see if there is any future drama from her.
Life is too short to put up with the passive aggressive shit. You are an adult with a full life and friends who care about you. You are going through a rough time and could definitely do without her attitude now more than ever. Don't be afraid to say so. You sound lovely. Those who know you and care about you will understand.

If it was out of character I'd have said even to the first comment "Wow. That's not a nice thing to say to a friend, are you quite well?"

Did you not challenge her at least when she dropped you off last? As soon as the other friend got out of the car I'd have said "OK, so would you like to tell me why you were being so horrible this weekend?"

Don't message her, call her and have it out.

She sounds fucking vile. I’d let her know that and then block her and tell her exactly why. Start another group chat without her in it. She clearly doesn’t like you so not worth any more effort with her.

Leaving the group may be exactly what she wants you to do, so she will have bullied you out. If you want to stay and like the other people, stand up for yourself, perhaps talk to the others about how she has been rude and undermining and see what they think. Did she say those things within earshot of other people?

Don't leave the group, but you can start to distance yourself from it. Don't go to anything if she is going. You can also start to arrange things separately with the one/s that you do like and get on with.

If anyone asks why, then tell them the truth in a factual way, no bitchiness, don't lower yourself to her level.

If the nasty one says anything at any point about you doing stuff without her, then just point out that she made it very clear that she doesn't like you so why on earth would you now include her in any of your own plans.

Go to the holiday home. If she says anything, remind her that she said she couldn't possibly stay anywhere like that.

Start to stand up for yourself, call her out on her comments.

there is a weird subset of people who are especially cruel to those who have been through something like a traumatic bereavement. It’s like they can’t stand you being treated with kid gloves or they fear somehow it’s catching.

I think it's because they can't stand you getting any attention they're not, apart from the fact they don't know how to empathise. My ex and his family were like this, especially when members of my family died, they had to stick the knife in. But as PPs have said, it's about them and their insecurities.

That doesn't mean the behaviour should be allowed. They know they're in the wrong but calling it out doesn't always end well as they then feel even more entitled to claim victimhood. Grey rock works well if you do need to interact with them.

Yes - sounds as though she's jealous of you.

The problem with "saying something at the time" is, this is likely to have been exactly what she wanted. The satisfaction of knowing she had got to you. IME, saying something back would just have escalated the situation.

The only thing you can do with this sort of person is to cut them out of your life completely, they're never, ever sorry for their actions and they're brilliant at playing the victim. It seems unfair that you should have to leave the group because of this one evil woman but I'm sure there are other, better ways to keep contact with the decent friends than a group which includes her. I'd message them explaining why you're having nothing more to do with this person then walk away with your head held high.

I like the suggestion of phoning / meeting with her and asking if she is ok and why she was snippy with you.

Definitely don’t draw anyone else into it as it will look like you are causing drama.

In future, try to use stock phrases such as ’I don’t understand what you mean’ ‘can you repeat that’ ‘is everything ok with you?’

Replying with the single word ‘rude’ or using a Paddington stare, or laughing can also be effective.

Sorry for your loss. People can be horrible.

She sounds absolutely awful. I'd not fuck about really, and would've told her on the day she's outrageously rude and snobby and you won't be speaking to her again.
That time has passed now. So just ignore her from now on. Meet the others from that group separately. If they could hear her speaking that way to you surely they must also think she's a dick?

I just see that sort of thing as game playing. Why ask stupid questions back?

If someone has said something shit, tell them they are being an arsehole. Yeah, they will probably cry and play victim, but so what? Call them out on that too.

People take so much needless shit in life and bullies thrive on it.

Stay in the group, the next time she starts be ready for her - 'What is your effing problem' is a good opener...

Fuck the game playing - I have started to learn the benefits of being direct. I'd honestly send something to the group chat along the lines of:

Hi All

Hope everyone is well rested after our weekend away. I didn't want to cause un-necessary speculation, so i'm letting you all know that I'm leaving this group chat for now and my reason for doing so. It became obvious over the weekend that I am rather disliked by one of you, and to be honest, with all that I've been going through lately, I don't have the energy or stamina to second-guess myself or feel shit about myself at the moment, so this seems to be the best solution.

If anyone wants to contact me directly about getting together in smaller groups or pairs - I'd love that - I don't want to lose you all! It's just that the current dynamic and the weekend just gone has left me feeing a bit emotionally bruised and I'd just rather not put myself in that position again.

Why would you walk away from the whole group due to one arsehole who pretty much everyone knows is an arsehole?

All you need is 'Fuck off Karen. Find yourself someone else to bully. I'm bored of your shit' and move on.

Just drop a message to the few you like and say 'I see it's my turn to get shit from Karen. She was on me over every little thing all weekend. WTF is her problem?' and enjoy a good bitch about her.

It sounds like it's time the group start dealing with her, to be honest.

Don't walk away from the group, but ask her to repeat what she said to you each time it happens. When she gives parenting instructions to your friend, say somethinf like 'Sarah is Maisie's mother, she doesn't need your input'.

I am sorry for your loss and sadly I think that this woman made you a target because you have recently been though such a distressing experience. Sadly bullies tend to pick on people if they sense a vulnerability and that is seems to be what she has done. It is utterly shameful behaviour and she deserves to ostracised from your friendship group, she is not a friend to anyone

Jealousy is frequently the root cause of bullying

Most of all this says lots about her and nothing about you. You do not however have to take all this from her or anyone. How you and your family operate is your business no one elses. I would question the point of staying in this group.

I agree.

I appreciate that you're grieving OP and it's difficult to think straight at times but really you do need to start standing up for yourself a bit more. There will always be these kind of people and not everyone is everyone's 'cup of tea' but when she was so blatantly rude to you, you really should have pulled her up on it and said something like 'Wow, that's a bit rude.' or 'please don't talk to me/about me like that otherwise I will retaliate in kind'.

"She's a bit socially inept isn't she?"

No she's not socially inept. She's a sniper.

Is she the ringleader of the group? I went through something similar recently with a very old friendship group. The 'ringleader' would always make snide remarks aimed at me, usually about my house/holidays etc as she was jealous.

Anyway when it came to a head, the rest of the group kept quiet and I don't speak to any of them anymore (after a 20+ year friendship!) They were more concerned by keeping the their place in the group, total pack mentality.

Life is so much more peaceful now and I realise they were never true friends.

Her perception is different for an unknown reason. Possibillities are..Somebody has been talking behind your back about you to her or something has happened in her life which has disrupted her firm belief of how things should be or she has developed a jealousy of you due to her own circumstances. She may be portraying contentment but something not as it should be. Speak to others in the group to gage any issues then calmly confront.

I would private message anyone you are closer to and don’t want to lose. Explain you are stepping away from the group due to her comments but you would like to stay in touch. Then I would leave the group and block her.