One of a group of friends spent weekend away being awful to me

[Askingabouttreesy67]

Went on a group weekend away with a group I'd known for years.
I've recently suffered a really traumatic bereavement so just needed to have a nice time.

One person in the group just made some awful comments to me throughout the weekend. We were hiking and saw a large toddler being carried and I commented it must be tough on that parent and hard to enjoy the activity. She said well your answer to everything is to leave the kids at home isn't it, you'll do anything to be apart from them.

I have no idea where she got this idea. I did say that our older teenager may not come on our next holiday with us but that's his choice. I said he mostly does his own thing but he's always included in our family life if he wants to be. Surely that's normal as kids get older?

I said my perfect day out is a walk around a National Trust property and she said well you won't want to do that anymore when your kids grow up. Even tiny little harmless things I said like that she turned against me.

She just wants to come across as so perfect saying she still does everything with her teenagers which just isn't realistic. No one else in the group seems irritated by her but I couldn't even look at her by the second day as she was so vile to me. Everything I said she would twist my words and paint me in a negative light.

I said we were taking the kids to Florida and she rolled her eyes and said she looked down upon people who enjoy those sort of holidays.

We drove past the place where my family have a holiday home and I said to another woman who I have a lovely mutual friend with that we should go sometime, the three of us. She was straight on this and said how could I be talking about going away with just one member of the group and how rude I was. I had previously offered the holiday home for our weekend away and she'd said she'd never stay somewhere like that as it wasn't nice enough for her.

My mum messaged me on the way back offering for me to come for dinner with all the family and she knew how happy and eager I was to get back so she deliberately went out of her way to make sure I was last to be dropped off and even then dropped me half a mile from the house with heavy bags to carry. Everyone else got dropped off at their houses.

There were loads of other comments and digs at me which I just tried to ignore. I have other friends who also can't stand this woman as she acts so superior to everyone and like her life and kids are so perfect.

I have loads of lovely friends who I can spend time with and not come away feeling like they've been negging me the whole time.

I really wish I'd spoken up for myself to be honest. I'm not sure if anyone else noticed how awful she was being as she always put it in a jokey way but it was really hurtful.

Is it worth saying something to her or just withdraw from the group? There's one member (who I was on about the holiday home with) who I have a separate friendship with anyway but the rest I'd probably lose touch with.

I’ve had this also on a weekend away. I quietly removed myself from the group over the course of a couple of months and nobody even bothered to reach out, it was always me making the first call which I’d only realised when I stopped instigating the meet ups. I feel much better without those so called “friends” in my life!

I wouldn’t mind but I’m not rude or nasty to anybody!

I think this is the way forward.
There's no reason for you to leave the group if you enjoy the company / friendship of the others.
This happened to me many many years ago, I refused to leave the group and basically just ignored that one person.

I'd stay with it and see how it goes when you challenge her comments, because that's the only way for you if you've done nothing wrong.

My strategy on the few occasions I've encountered snide or passive aggressive remarks is to ask "Sorry what was that again?" And with various follow up phrases get them to repeat it again. I've found they flounder then and retreat. Try it and see if it works for you.

As a very wise psychotherapist told me once (in a social context), “Once you learn that people relate to others the way they relate to themselves, you stop worrying too much about what they say about you”. I’ve found that very useful advice ever since.

That is so true and profound. I think you should do what is right for you for now. Perhaps contact the mum with the child with SEN first and the two of you can chat about how you both feel. Please do be careful not to expose yourself too much in case she repeats what you say.

Why on earth didn't you say anything at the time. Work on your self esteem and assertiveness. Tell your other friends on the group by message his you felt and that you wished your said something. Tell her this too.

I had a friendship group where I could tell one girl didn’t like me. We were friends for years and years and sometimes I would feel excluded because of this person planned anything I wasn’t invited. The two other friends just went along with that. I used to tell myself well people can do what they want and can have separate friendships, but it was only me excluded out of the 4 of us. She was mainly nice to my face but when the other two were planning their weddings (we were all bridesmaids) there were lots of wedding events and things started to feel weird, she eventually was just rude to my face, making digs etc. At some point I decided that the only way she would have the guts to be this mean to me in front of them is if she felt she had permission. I will never not believe that at some point in those wedding planning I had managed to upset someone and they must have been spending time slagging me off. After a few events like this including one of their weddings I removed myself from that friendship group. If they were real friends they wouldn’t have tolerated it.

I’m sure she’s just a rude person but I would be questioning how much other people witnessed and why no one either pulled you aside to see if you were ok or stood up for you. Sounds like you have lots of other friends so maybe time to drop these

OP is grieving. For many this males you are extra hyper sensitive and sticking up for yourself is impossible.
This woman should not have behaved like that and the others in the group should not have let her.

People behave like this because they get away with it. She's bullying you. It will only stop when you stand up for yourself.

I am sorry, OP for the loss that you experienced.

I wouldn't leave the group if your enjoy the company of the rest of them.

This person sounds very insensitive with no awareness and a lot of insecurities. I would probably confide in one of the other group members. It might just be good to get how you are feeling off your chest. I wouldn't leave the group, not just yet.

Did you miss the fact that the OP is recently bereaved....

I wouldn't do this. One will invariably send the message on to bitchy queen bee wannabe. By all mean speak to the ones you would prefer to keep contact with but I wouldn't put anything in written form.

The issues are all hers. Walk away.

You shouldn't need to back away from an entire friendship group because one member has treated you badly. Talk with someone you do consider a friend but do it face to face, not in writing, as this type of bully would likely not be averse to using a DARVO approach. Writing is too lacking in nuance and could be turned around on you: bullies will often employ tactics like these when confronted. They will typically make out you are the aggressor/too sensitive/delete as appropriate.

Unfortunately this type of situation is not uncommon. Bereavement tends to sort the wheat from the chaff and show you exactly who is there for you and who isn't. It sometimes brings out truly horrible behaviour in others: humans have an unfortunate tendency to kick one other when we're down.

I'm sorry about your loss, and that the healing time you'd anticipated has been spoiled for you. Some people are the pits.

I just wanted to say that other people in the group might share the same opinion as you. I’m in a group with some other women and there is one woman who I feel is always trying to leave me out and would prefer that I wasn’t there, but I actually feel that this group of women are smart enough to see who she really is and can see how she treats me, and make an effort with so I’m not pushed out.

I think nothing works better than a reply of "What a rude thing to say" or "I'm sure you don't mean that as rudely as it sounded." Don't accept her remarks. But don't walk away from your other friends, OP, and don't message them about her - it makes you look bitchy. Just stonewall her and find other ways to keep in touch with friends without making it all about her.

I'd personally just be calling out her bullshit. She shouldn't keep getting away with it.

'That's a really rude and unkind thing to say. Is there a reason you're picking on me?'. Let her flounder.

I'd just say next time she's not coping with the menopause very well. 😁

Seriously enjoy the group, stand up to her rudeness. Bullies thrive otherwise.

If you have a good social life otherwise I would do anything to scrape this horrible woman off. I would step back and offer a clear but brief reason why. Good friends will surely want to stay in touch, but if they prefer her to you then good luck to them.

I suspect that if you leave the group she will pick on someone else. Some people enjoy being vile for some reason.

Honestly, about 3 years ago, I went through something pretty traumatic and I actually shouldn’t be here anymore. I now don’t give a single fuck in life.

I would have ripped into that nasty bitch and had her crying in the corner.

I understand that not everyone is like me though.

So if you can’t tell her what a nasty cunt she is, cut her out.

I'd want her to know. But I think I'm a different personality type to the OP.

I’d just tell the other women that you enjoyed their company on the weekend, but you are not going put yourself in a bully’s firing line. You will be more than happy to meet up with them again if she’s not involved.

You can leave the group OP but you'll always come across people like this in life, so maybe take this as a life lesson. Start standing up for yourself a bit more, I would've called her out every single time. Stop letting people walk all over you, they'll just carry on doing it.
With the whole dropping off situation, was she driving and so the one who chose to drop you further away? Or was it like a minibus situation with a driver? If so, why didnt you just say 'no this isnt where I live, drive on and il let you know when to stop'. Why did she get to dictate where to drop the group! Its a bit late now, but if you choose to carry on seeing this group, put her in her place next time. You're a grown woman not a child.

Just as an aside, I have a friend group where one is “abrasive”. We’ve been friends 25+ years since we all lived together at university.

I’ve always been her primary target but over the years a couple of others have been drawn into her sights.

In my 20s it bothered me, I was less secure, but now I just laugh at it, I don’t need her approval and I’m so glad I’ve stayed friends with the others.

In my 40s I can see it for what it is: jealousy. I’m more successful, have more friends, my life is great. There’s something missing in hers.

It sounds like she is projecting all of herbown deep insecurities on to you. You sound like a lovely, kind, respected person with a lovely family and plenty of friends, this probably makes her feel very insecure so will try to pull you down in any way possible. I dont think you should pull away from the group, but certainly make every effort to act as though she does not exist in any future group outings, if she asks why, tell her that you don't really want to associate with un-kind people. She sounds like my SIL, the passive aggressive comments used to really affect me, and as a people pleaser I just used yo put up with it. I eventually had enough and very literally just stopped talking to her, whenever she made a comment I would just look at her, and carry on with people worth ny time 🥰

She sounds jealous. Block and ignore her. Of anyone asks why TELL them. If they choose to not hold your feelings valid then they too are not true friends. Stick up for yourself!!! Your feelings are valid! She HAS made u feel this way. Take control and dump her will ass. U will feel so much more empowered by it. Don’t engage in any tittle tattle with her or anyone else. You sound like a lovely friend to have!