7 first dates in a row, none have led to a second date...

[sad34]

I have named-changed for this post.

Since the start of the year I have been on 7 first dates, mostly from Hinge but a few from Bumble. And the conversion rate into a second date has been 0%. Admittedly there were a couple of guys who I wasn't that keen on seeing again (although still had a fairly pleasant date) - although they still didn't ask me out which is never good for the confidence boost. However I had at least 4 dates where I had a really good time with the guy, and I thought they did too, and that they were keen, wanted to see me again etc. Yet the next day they either start majorly pulling away / don't make any effort so I just don't reply and they never follow up, or they just ghost me.

I mean seriously what am I doing wrong? Everyone says it's not you, it's them. But I am starting to think it is me, it must be. It's so hard not to take it personally and go down the rabbit hole of thinking that I am never going to meet someone etc. Despite trying hard not to over-invest too quickly and to just move on to the next one, when there's a repeat pattern of it happening over and over again, it's incredibly demoralising.

Any fellow single people out there who feel my pain, or anyone else who has been through the same thing but is now in a happy relationship then I'd love to hear some words of wisdom / re-assurance!!

Don’t go for a drink, go for a coffee . Try and keep the date to an hour and a half tops. Don’t be needy, tell them you have a very busy week meeting friends and , doing hobbies etc. they are picking up your desperation and it’s never been a good idea to get drunk on a first date.

How old are you out of interest?

I would swerve the bars and go for a coffee date instead , it’s a relationship you are aiming at so keep it fairly short 1 to 2 hrs max , if you’ve never met before this is more than plenty , keep it fun but not to over the top , keep something of yourself back , be busy with friends , let them do the running , don’t over text

Could you go for a walk or coffee date? I used to prefer those. And it means alcohol and a lengthy date are avoided.

You're not carrying it on but your are quite possibly more drunk then they are which is v possibly something they're not attracted to. Stop going for drinks - go for a walk or a coffee, or keep it short and go for A drink.

Sorry didn't read all the posts! See the cumulative wisdom of previous two posters (and me).

I would be so put off by someone getting drunk in general and especially on a first date. Stop doing it if you want a second date.

Yes, stop the drinking dates.

Either they think you're a lush or you get bleary after a few, hard to tell without being there but it's not helping.

Stick to a coffee date, max an hour. No booze.

And what people say is true: if it's meant to be it won't be effortful and there'll be no game playing.

If he wants to see you again he'll be clear about it and you'll be in no doubt. If there's doubt, or you find yourself staring at your phone for a message to appear, delete and move on, don't torture yourself.

So let them have a drink but don’t have one or more than one yourself. I’m not surprised you’re finding it hard to get second dates if you’re drinking too much when you go on them. Maybe try coffee dates rather than bars?

Oops see I cross posted with like five people - but we’re all only saying the same thing because it’s true.

Are you sleeping with them on the first date op? Why are you drinking - is it to give you confidence? Could you go for a walk and or coffee?
Im just going to join the dating scene. They do recommend 1.5 hours tops initially. Good luck.

Keep your first dates a light coffee date.. no more than an hour or so… you want them to assume you are busy and have a buzzing social life! Then go home and have a glass of wine.

Perhaps prior to the date, during the chatting stage, establish what they’re looking for- if it’s just a quick one night fling, then that’ll be why you aren’t hearing from them again!

x

What's wrong with just going for coffee?

How much are you drinking on an average date?

The last time I went on first dates (few years ago now) the very first thing the guys said to me was “oh you actually look better in person/you look just like your photos” and they’d say they’d met a few women who looked nothing like their photos.

If you look exactly like your photos (aren’t using ridiculous filters or hiding weight etc.) then I’d say the next thing might be the fact you’re getting drunk on a first date. If you’re drinking at the same rate as a man, I’d say you’re noticeably more drunk than they are maybe?

Do you have young children that you’re mentioning on the date but haven’t mentioned prior to the date?

Are you outrageously loud on the dates the more you’re drinking? Or are you really shy and they feel like they’re dragging the conversation?

Does your online personality match with who you are in real life? Are you very flirty/sexual online and then standoffish in person or vice versa?

I can’t think of anything else, have you asked a friend or a colleague? “Be brutally honest with me, am I doing/not doing something or is it them…”

The thing is, I am drinking because my date is drinking as well. It’s not like I am sitting there getting drunk by myself. And they were saying let’s get another one etc.

Err, I had about 9/10 drinks in the space of 6 hours.

I am early 30s.

For goodness sake @sad34 as has been said, go on lunchtime coffee dates. That is a mad amount (of alcohol) to drink in such a short time!

Six hours is far too long for a first date. Nine to ten drinks in one evening is far too many drinks in one day.

9/10 drinks with a stranger isn’t especially safe or sensible regardless of what happens re further dates OP.

Too long and way too much booze...

First impressions count! I wouldn't have a second date with someone who got pissed on a first date. I can imagine they are thinking if this is what you are like on a 1st date (when you would usually be making an effort/ best behaviour) what is you like the rest of the time!?!

Have one drink and leave them wanting to know more about you!

OP, I had sympathy when reading through but you sound very immature and unable or unwilling to acknowledge and take the very helpful feedback and suggestions other posters have taken the time to give you.

You need to stop going out boozing on first dates. I won't lie, date with now DH from PlentyOfFish ended up in the pub but mainly cos he's so bloody shy. But it started in a coffee shop, we moved to the pub, had a drink then a meal and another drink. If you only meet in pubs, then you need to drink slower and alternate with soft drinks.

Apart from anything else, getting drunk on first dates with strangers is putting you in a very vulnerable position.

9/10 drinks is absolutely mad, even if they're all singles/ half pints/small glasses of wine. I love a big night now and then but that is an absolute session for me and no way I would drink that much with a stranger! I wouldn't drink that much watching the FA Cup final because I wouldn't be in a fit state to follow what was happening, never mind try to pull 😂

Sorry but they're probably not texting back because they fear a relationship with you would cost them their liver.

Erm it is possible to NOT do what your date is doing?

I don't really drink, haven't really drunk since mid 30s, have no trouble going on a date not drinking, it's caused me no issues, never put a guy off. Don't come across boring, unfunny, unwitty.

Its also cheaper, no hangover or bleariness, clarity on my feelings.

I've said it before- the good guys in their 30s who haven't settled down are usually quite career driven and looking for someone who can support them and their ambitions. But us women in their 30s who haven't settled down are usually very independent.

I am wondering do you go to any groups eg a pub quiz team, abstain from drinking though and give yourself a chance to meet men without actually drinking. It sounds like meeting any future men and going for a coffee could be helpful. I hate to say it but I was alerted when you mentioned drinking a lot. That is probably putting any dates off just as you probably wouldn't want to continue meeting a man who drank a lot. I think the answer is pack in the heavy drinking.

9-10 alcoholic drinks?