Dh doesn't cook. Am I being unreasonable?

[1newname]

Me and dh have been together for over 20 years. I've always done almost all the cooking. I was a stay at home mum for 8 years so during this time I was happy to do it and seemed fair as dh was working. However, when I started working nothing changed. Over the years, we've had many conversations about me not wanting to be the only one that cooks. He'll make an effort for a few weeks then it goes back to normal.

I'm fed up. I do all the meal planning, online shop and cooking. He does a sport twice a week and I resent the fact that he can just swan off without thinking about it. I have to try and think of what to cook that will fit in to the time I have. He's a good husband in many ways but it feels so sad that I have to worry about everyone else eating but no one gives a shit about me.

Stop cooking for him?

He can’t cook or won’t cook? When he makes an effort for a few weeks, I assume he cooks rather than get Deliveroo?

Divide the days up, say you can cook on Tue, Thur and Sat and for now I will do the other 4 while you get used to it. I will do the food shopping order to arrive on Monday and you will need to order any ingrediants you need or get themsleve or maybe you can try Gusto.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves but then I don't get dinner either

I don't cook, but I would if my husband stopped doing it for me.

Gousto is your friend

@Snorlaxo he hates cooking and obviously doesn't have much experience. He doesn't like doing it but surely that's no excuse

Just cook for you, not both of you.

I cook 7 out of 7 days a week but I enjoy it. It‘s relaxing for me and especially on my in-office days it‘s great for decompressing without other people around.

Saying that, DH can cook if necessary (I am away or ill or late at work for an event).

But - I cook, we eat and I then leave DH to clean the kitchen. It‘s very rare that I actually do any form of washing up.

So it works for us.

@reluctantbrit I like cooking too but if I've got a yoga class at 6 it would be nice not to have the mad panic of having to cook before the class

I don’t cook because I don’t enjoy it and my husband completely loves it. But if he wanted a night off, or to share it, of course I’d step up.

Just tell your husband that you’ve had enough and it’s a shared task from now on.

Cook for you and the kids and not him.

You do if you only cook for yourself!

Look, I know it seems petty and childish, but you've tried repeatedly to communicate how you feel in a sensible, grown-up way, and he is choosing not to take it on board. So you need to try a different strategy.

So I would stop cooking for him but carry on cooking for yourself and any kids that may happen to be around. You could give him the heads up that this is what you're going to do, and make it clear that you will resume your share of the cooking when he has produced a rota/meal plan for which he will be taking 50% of the responsibility.

It's been 20 years, he isn't going to change. All you can do is change your own behaviour and stop cooking for him.

What would he do if you also stopped cooking for the kids? Would he step up or just feed them crap?

Not the point but your brave eating before yoga

Embarrassingly the kids are 16 and 18

Then the kids should be cooking too!

Out of interest, do they cook?

They're old enough to do their fair share.

Yes that is embarrassing.

So on Yoga night just announce “I’m going to yoga tonight so you guys can sort your own dinner out yourselves”.

Do you have to cook to put a meal on the table nowadays? I mean it definitely helps but anyone can plan and shop for a meal. Not cooking is the least of it really and a terrible excuse.

Is he saying he can’t buy a rotisserie chicken and a bag of salad and some frozen chips?

It’s more about being responsible for what the family eats on certain days isn’t it?

Is he any good at cleaning? Can you do a total exchange? If he refuses to engage with feeding the family then you can refuse to engage with cleaning.

Who does the laundry?

Create a food rota. Everyone has to cook one supper a week. Buy your dh a book of basic recipes - suggest he starts with omelette, oven chips and salad.

Make sure there is plenty of pasta, tinned tomatoes, bacon, frozen veg, rice, chicken breasts, eggs in the house.

Don't blink first. Don't negotiate.

I enjoy cooking and don’t mind buying the ingredients but I hate choosing what to cook. Your kids should be cooking too- is the 18 year old going to uni in the autumn and is the 16 year old likely to go too.

As soon as my DC finished their A levels (they were still 17 as August born) it was time for them to shop, cook and clean. You need to make a plan. They were grateful when they went off to Uni at 18!

Good grief. Time for a family meeting where you explain you're sick of doing all the planning, shopping, and cooking and from now on you'll be doing two days a week. The rest of the time they (all three) are responsible for cooking for the whole family, including you.

If you were suddenly not there, they would cope rather than starve.

Time to put them on the spot. God knows there are enough sources of help & instruction.