Dh doesn't cook. Am I being unreasonable?

[1newname]

Me and dh have been together for over 20 years. I've always done almost all the cooking. I was a stay at home mum for 8 years so during this time I was happy to do it and seemed fair as dh was working. However, when I started working nothing changed. Over the years, we've had many conversations about me not wanting to be the only one that cooks. He'll make an effort for a few weeks then it goes back to normal.

I'm fed up. I do all the meal planning, online shop and cooking. He does a sport twice a week and I resent the fact that he can just swan off without thinking about it. I have to try and think of what to cook that will fit in to the time I have. He's a good husband in many ways but it feels so sad that I have to worry about everyone else eating but no one gives a shit about me.

What do you eat if you don't cook? Do you mean you only eat salads, or do you eat ready meals?

My kids could fend for themselves from about 11...it might not be all fresh and nutritious but OK for the busy nights. And they know enough not to give themselves food poisoning. An airfryer is great. Cucumber and pickled beetroot count as a vegetables.

The older one is 15 now and can make pretty much anything.

Dh can cook too.

When you cook, make a bit extra for yourself for the next day, and let the rest learn how to cook for themselves while you are at yoga.

I don't cook..my husband enjoys it. But I still try and give him night off occasionally. I tend to do homemade pizza though as I'm a baker.

Although he can (and occasionally does) produce basics, dh has never really cooked. It dates back to when he was (always) working very long hours, and I was only ever part-time, so I didn’t expect him to.

However, for some years now he’s taken to clearing up the kitchen (properly!) instead, loading the dishwasher and unloading it in the morning.
TBH that suits me fine. I much prefer cooking to clearing up the mess.

On nights like that do something quick like scrambled egg on toast with something like peas or spinach for vegetables, or a Spanish omelette ?

Tell him you've left the recipe on the side for him so he can cook on the nights you are going out. If he doesn't like that meal he can plan something else.

My DH doesn’t cook either.

However, he can operate the microwave, toaster and the George grill. He’s clueless how to use the oven and hob. He has zero interest in food so would happily swallow a pill instead of eating a meal if that were an option.

We have been together over 20yrs too and divvied up the jobs so that DH does school breakfasts (cereals or toast based) and any lunches involving sandwiches, plain or toasted.

I cook all the hot meals for me and the kids. I do feel resentful so I’ll occasionally buy a takeaway (about once every 2 months or so).

However, I DO NOT cook any meals for DH so he mostly lives off salad stuff for his main meal made with packet ingredients such as cheese, coleslaw, hummus, etc. He’s not interested in any takeaway foods either and he eats the bare minimum to live. He eats with us as a family about twice a year as I insist on all sitting together for Christmas dinner.

As he’s no interest in food and doesn’t make any demands of me, I don’t feel it’s fair to force him to learn to cook proper dinners. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Start off by saying he has to cook one day a week whilst he gets in the groove, then increase it to twice a week (you choose the days) x

I was cooking family dinners from 12! It’s a great life skill – get them trained up now so they don’t end up like your DH.

There’s four of you: one meal each and make sure all those meals work well as leftovers or can be repurposed. That’s then eight meals, dinner every night and one weekend lunch. One weekend lunch can be fridge forage. Done.

Have a sandwich or salad, heat up some pasta etc.

Leave them to it.

You do not have to cook for three able bodied adults who can presumably function in all other areas of their lives.

Does he do his fair share of other jobs around the house, does it balance out?

My boyfriend does ALL the meal planning, shopping, cooking and washing up. He just wholly takes care of our eating.

But then I do everything else. Laundry, tidying, cleaning, changing bedding etc. So we generally feel it’s a pretty even split and are happy.

I think if your husband does loads of other jobs it’s not so bad, but maybe he could take responsibility of one or two nights a week. But if he does absolutely nothing else around the house, then he’s taking you for a mug and you need to put a stop to it asap.

So don't.
Get a takeaway for one on the way home

eat Some leftovers and leave him to fend for himself.

If your DH really hates cooking, how about if he does all the laundry and ironing? Or he does all the washing up and cleaning the kitchen? Find a compromise.

Your DC have learnt that you are the only one who should cook and your DH is to blame (and partly you for putting up with it). I'd tell him straight - you are going to split the cooking, meal planning and online shopping admin and the DC should be doing some cooking too. If they don't, honestly go on strike.

My DH can’t cook either. But when I’m fed up with cooking he will do eggs or tuna on toast for himself and the kids and cheese on toast or fruit and a protein shake for me. If we have frozen pizza or something he’ll do it if asked. And if I suggest takeout he is either enthusiastic or offers to do eggs. If we know a busy time is coming up he gets frozen tandoori chicken and heats it with naan.

So yabu if you want your husband to cook cook. He is being a piece of lazypoo for not putting food on the table. He could do sandwiches on yoga night and teach the kids everyone chips in.

My DH is similar in that he doesn't know how to cook and doesn't try (he would if I said I'd had enough) I do the shopping, meal planning and cooking, what's worked for us is ensuring he is picking up the slack elsewhere. He does the laundry (and ironing), all the clearing up after eating, packed lunches, he also does anything to do with garden, bins, cars, tbh, he probably does more than me, physically (I say physically as I do the mental load).

Honestly I am happy with this arrangement as I'd much rather cook than clear up, I'd rather meal plan than do laundry. So it works for us. When I'm getting bored I might do hello fresh for a week.

I am making sure my sons can cook though, our 14 year old cooks us dinner once a week.

Ha sounds like my DH. His answer when it's his turn to cook is to get a takeaway.

He's actually cooking tonight first time in about 3 months and is moaning about the fact he has finished work and is straight into cooking dinner. He hasn't had a chance to relax.

Poor him!!

My husband is like this and it is certainly very annoying. Planning what to cook , shopping etc takes up a lot of time. Does he do the cleanup after at least?
I put some gratefulness into my lazy husband when I went away for 2 weeks and in his own words he ate “crap” for 2 weeks

You have to implement change. The first change being, you won’t be cooking on your yoga night. They can sort themselves out.

Ridiculous that the 16 and 18 year old aren’t cooking either. Teach them 3 or 4 meals, and go from there. It ain’t rocket science but a basic life skill. I am the only cook and after years of meal planning, shopping, cooking I decided I couldn’t continue, so now I still cook most nights, but quite often tell DH that I won’t be cooking. He will then do a basic jacket spud or get fish & chips for us both.

Go out, buy "better quality" ready meals, sandwiches, yes, basically.
Husband doesn't eat that much, he's 75 and
I have some issues with food (ND), so we just suit ourselves.

Can he pick up other different tasks you do, so that you have time to deal with the cooking?

Sometimes, it is better for people to have tasks that are suited to their skills. There must be a lot of other stuff he could do, to make up for the lack of cooking.

I genuinely don't get how your life works op.

Are you saying that if your work finishes at say 5pm and you have a yoga class at 6pm you cook a meal for 4 adults first?!?

Why? Get in, have some tea and toast for yourself, go to yoga.

Come home to whichever one of the 3 of them has cooked for the 4 of you.

Gousto was great at teaching my DH how to cook. Usually turns out better than when he cooks the same recipe without Gousto as he tends to mess up the proportions. Reduces the time spent meal planning and shopping too and we tried some things we wouldn’t otherwise have tried.

Mine doesn’t cook either…will occasionally make big promises about taking over responsibility for a share of the meals (that will always start after XYZ has happened at some point in the future - currently, when we have the new kitchen in). Never actually come to fruition. He did make a batch of soup last year. Once. In 14 years.

He’s also really clear that if he cooked it would mostly be beige food and ready meals. He would genuinely be happy with that. I’m not a massive fan of ultra-processed shizz so I wouldn’t.

It gets my goat that if they hate cooking, they just nope out of it - but anything they refuse to do still needs to be done. I don’t exactly relish building a meal plan (balanced, wide range of nutrients, reasonably healthy, not too similar to what we’ve been eating in the last week, matches everyone’s preferences and fitting the time I have to prep it), checking stock levels of pantry ingredients, sorting the shopping list, doing the shop, putting it away, prepping the ingredients, cooking it all off, then washing everything up and cleaning down after…but if not me then who?

At the end of the day, you have to pick your battles. This is one I know I’m not going to win so I’ve used it to negotiate other aspects of the relationship. It pisses me off but not enough for me to refuse to cook for him or make it a red line. And who knows…maybe the new kitchen really will give him a new lease on cooking life (Haaaaaaa!)