Dh doesn't cook. Am I being unreasonable?

[1newname]

Me and dh have been together for over 20 years. I've always done almost all the cooking. I was a stay at home mum for 8 years so during this time I was happy to do it and seemed fair as dh was working. However, when I started working nothing changed. Over the years, we've had many conversations about me not wanting to be the only one that cooks. He'll make an effort for a few weeks then it goes back to normal.

I'm fed up. I do all the meal planning, online shop and cooking. He does a sport twice a week and I resent the fact that he can just swan off without thinking about it. I have to try and think of what to cook that will fit in to the time I have. He's a good husband in many ways but it feels so sad that I have to worry about everyone else eating but no one gives a shit about me.

Does he do other household tasks? If you're doing the cooking by yourself, could he take on sole responsibility for another job, like laundry?

My dh will cook if I’m working late but he doesn’t like it/feel confident doing it. Instead he does all the clothes washing. I’m happy with the balance. You need to reset and work out roles.

Why should the OP be the one that has to make the rota?

I think her H and her DC should step up and do it. They're all taking the piss right now.

If I were the OP, I would be giving them a week's notice and letting them know that I would be cooking for myself only until the rest of them had agreed on a fair rota.

You are brave to cook before yoga.

I don‘t even start cooking before 6.30-7pm. No way I would start cooking that early. DH is normally not finished with work that early either.

You don’t say how old your kids are now? Are they of an age where they can sort themselves out or cook some basics?
My DH hates cooking (more can’t cook, won’t cook though, but has worked his way through Jamie books over the years) We split the shopping/cooking week to week, but I’m the one who will try new recipes and he has reliable favourites that he’ll rotate.

In short though, he wouldn’t ’be fed’ if he didn’t pitch in and shop or cook for meals, if he’s not a small child there’s really no excuse for not joining in 🤷‍♀️

Adults who won’t cook are pathetic.

My friends girlfriend can’t even cook a frozen pizza so It makes me wonder what she fed her kid before he came along.

and do they pitch in and cook either their own meals or for everyone?

Could you eat your main meal at lunchtime for a while? And let them sort themselves out while you have a sandwich?

Nobody likes cooking and all that goes with it day in, day out.

Does he think you do?

Does he honestly believe you're not swanning off two evenings a week because you prefer staying home and cooking?

The chutzpah...

Does your DH do anything else? My DP hates cooking and I love cooking so I happily do it, he does all the laundry because I hate that. Obv if one of us is unable to cook/wash the other one picks up the slack, because we're a team.

You've made a rod for your own back OP. Tell him and your basically adult children to cook their own bloody meals.

(Another one who is amazed you're cooking so early and before yoga!)

Do they cook at all?

So you're the only functional person out of 4?

Time to correct that. Your husband doesn't get to dump the boring tasks on to you, that's misogynistic and not a loving act.

Your adult and almost adult kids should be performing all household tasks.

Not necessarily true. My stepdad had to start cooking in his 80’s when my mums dementia made her unsafe in the kitchen. He had never cooked a meal in his life before.
He started with simple stuff and expanded his repertoire so now he can cook a good range of dishes. He even got an air fryer before me and persuaded me to get one as he was so taken with it.

We've got a couple of Google keep lists that as a family we can all add to - family dinners and a groceries list. We all (teen/early 20s dc, dh & me) add to these when we think of stuff we want. Dh does the shopping (and most of the cooking tbf) but he says those lists help because it's not all on him. Dc cook sometimes. Plus we often have leftovers to freeze so have regular 'freezer lotto' especially on nights when there's other stuff going on.

your kids are 16 and 18! Of course you don't have to cook. Swan out when you want to and tell them to sort their own dinner.

I don't cook, my husband doesn't either and it never posed a problem in our 20 years long marriage.
In fact, I don't know bigger waste of time than planning, shopping, digging hands in food, preparing it so it could disappear in half an hour in someone's gut, especially nowadays.
🙄

The OP's husband is supposed to be her friend.

Dh is like this. Retired but won't cook. I work 3 days and don't cook on those days. Ready meals or takeaway. I think he quite likes it actually!

@OrdinaryO888 Do you have to cook to put a meal on the table nowadays? I mean it definitely helps but anyone can plan and shop for a meal. Not cooking is the least of it really and a terrible excuse.
This is my view. I don't cook and I do not enjoy it, I never have. However, I can provide food that is perfectly acceptable a few nights a week. DH loved cooking so, if there was cooking to be done and he was available, he did it, otherwise we planned accordingly. I toyed with learning to cook but soon realised that meant I would be doing EVERYTHING. DD now does the cooking for the two of us but, again, that doesn't mean that she cooks every night. We plan leftovers and easier dishes as well as "proper" cooking. People often assume that women learn to cook at school and/or from their mother, I did neither

DH was like this - so I went on cooking strike....

I now do nearly all the cooking but he has responsibility for the laundry and the cleaning if my cleaner is away.

I don't like cooking and if someone liked doing it, I'd be happy to hand it over. However, he can shop, meal plan or clean up afterwards.

He's never going to change, is he? After 20 years of marriage he's still a selfish twat.

Go to yoga at 6 and then a nice meal in your local pub/bistro. Tell the family to fend for themselves.

Present him with two options. He either cooks 50% of the time for both of you, or he cooks 100% of the time for himself. And mean it.

Girl dinner before yoga, he can fend for himself.

Could you start cooking together so he gets experience and eased into it? I know we shouldn't have to pander to men who can't and won't cook but in reality if he can't then you miss our as well.

Also uae takeaways and ready meals, everyone gets something for themselves from the fridge/freezer a few nights a week.

My DH has taken over the cooking now he's retired. He does nothing else ( and I mean nothing, he just sits at his computer all day scrolling through Twitter and pronouncing on how bad the Labour govt. is and now how fantastic Trump is)
He is shit at cooking mostly. I have just had to endure the most disgusting chicken stir fry. I mean how can you mess that up. He sort of boils everything up in the pan all at once🤮. I managed to eat it with the addition of lots of sweet chili sauce. I have told him again and again how to do it but he thinks he's an amazing cook.
If he makes it through his next operation I'm going to leave him.