Dh doesn't cook. Am I being unreasonable?

[1newname]

Me and dh have been together for over 20 years. I've always done almost all the cooking. I was a stay at home mum for 8 years so during this time I was happy to do it and seemed fair as dh was working. However, when I started working nothing changed. Over the years, we've had many conversations about me not wanting to be the only one that cooks. He'll make an effort for a few weeks then it goes back to normal.

I'm fed up. I do all the meal planning, online shop and cooking. He does a sport twice a week and I resent the fact that he can just swan off without thinking about it. I have to try and think of what to cook that will fit in to the time I have. He's a good husband in many ways but it feels so sad that I have to worry about everyone else eating but no one gives a shit about me.

I really hope the future is brighter for you @Redrosesposies.

Honestly, get a stock of ready meals in for yourself and tell the rest of the family that after X many years of cooking for everybody else you're hanging up your oven gloves and it's their collective turn to step up. Eat cereal before yoga if you have to, and cook for yourself if nobody else looks likely to on any given night. Be willing to teach the young adults if they ask for help.

Yet another thread of pathetic men.

@Redrosesposies your post really made me sad. Leave him now, don’t bother waiting.

Stop being a martyr.
If you want to do two activities or more even a week in the evenings why on earth are you flurrying about worrying about cooking for three other adults.
At that age my kids could be left to fend for themselves.
If you really cannot handle leaving the poor things without dinner cooked ..but frozen pizzas and tell them they are in the freezer for them
Buck up and grow a backbone. If you like a proper dinner after yoga come home and cook yourself something.

DH can cook well, but works long hours so it falls to me most days.

When I started getting fucked off with it, he/we did two things:

Paid the extra for Hello Fresh - removing shopping, planning etc. from my plate.

Agreed to either cook, take me out, or get takeaway 2 nights a week. Can't be takeaway both nights.

I've had a few too many gins, just ate what I wanted, cooked just for me, so I just want to shout out to women 'BEING SINGLE IS BLOOMING MARVELLOUS' . Just. Stop living with these absolute dickheads who don't seem to bring you pleasure unless you absolutely have to live with them for whatever reason.

Just stop doing it. Nobody is forcing you. I've never cooked for my husband. I don't eat in the evening and I hate cooking.

1newname, things need to change, but you need to ease into a new routine.

For now, carry on meal planning, but on days you are going out, let the 3 others in the house know what's on the menu and how to cook it. Then leave and let them muddle through.

If you don't come home to a plate saved and the dishes done, then give them all heck and do it again a few days later.

It's time for change in your household, and you will all benefit from it.

I'm the default cook OP too, have been for over 30 years. And frankly I'm pig sick of it. I do shove a Charlie Bigham ready meal into him a few evenings to give me a break as I'm veggie and he acts like I'm trying to kill him with a veg stir fry. If you find the answer, I'm all ears too.

Surely before you had kids, you would take in turns to cook.

And before meeting you, he cooked for himself.

So he can do it, he just chooses not to.

Come up with a rota where he cooks 3 nights a week and you cook 4. Keep to the same days every week.

Tell him he can cook the same things every week but he doesn’t get to just not do it.

I hate cooking but I do it because I’m an adult.

I was the main cook in the family but my DH has to do it at times because I'm too ill on occasions. He's doing pretty basic stuff, but we get fed. My children both still primary are learning to cook and really proud of themselves.
I'm still the chief on line shopper/list writer for my DH to shop but it's not something he can totally opt out of.
Think you have to ensure that your DH and children each plan and cook minimum 1 meal a week each. (Have a backup for yourself!) You are doing them a disservice not to insist on this.

It's v similar in our house. To be honest it's the planning and shopping I hate, don't mind cooking! But a few suggestions we do which makes things easier:

• Give him a specific day to cook every week (eg. Your yoga day). My DH cooks for me every Sat and the kids take it in turns to cook for themselves on Sat (usually Grizedale pizza!).

• Buy one oven/ microwave meal per week which anyone can cook (Fish and chips with baked beans, chicken and chips, pie and frozen peas, sausage and mash). I do this when I take DD to a club and I'm back late. Withe dh or DS2 (16) cooks it.

• Use 'Simply cook'. Even the kids/ dh can do these sometimes (eg. I'm unwell). So easy and takes some pressure off thinking of new ideas for meals/ planning meals even when I'm using it. I get 4 recipes delivered per month, totally random and they're 19/20 really nice

Much cheaper than gousto and you can use it when you want as you buy all the fresh produce (they provide recipe and all seasonings). Curries and pasta dishes are great.

• Meal plan for a week and then just buy what you need for the week.

Does he do something else instead? My DP and I usually do a chore each (I cook, he cleans up after dinner. Or I do laundry, he cleans baby bottles etc etc at the end of the day.

I get that you are fed up of cooking, I am too (and I enjoy cooking typically but doing it every day and inventing dishes is tiring), but it's quite typical in a household for one person to gravitate towards the cooking (not always the woman). As long as he "repays" by doing a different chore to balance it out then I suppose it is what it is.

Why is there a mad panic? Why don’t you just make yourself something after the class?

Can you give him another task? "Well, Dave, since I'm doing all the cooking in the house, you're now responsible for all things laundry. Bye.". (I'd love to do that, I like cooking and hate laundry. It didn't work with XH and that's one of the many reasons he's X)

How are your finances? Can you throw money at the problem? Cook ready meals are nice and whilst they are not specifically ‘healthy’ they are no less healthy than if you’d made the meal yourself (if that makes sense…)

Honestly look into batching. You can do it both on a weekend. Serve it up into single portions. On the days you have yoga or he goes out then you are each responsible for heating up your own meal. Kids get easy meals on those days such as beans on toast, jacket potato etc.

DH is sometimes working later at the moment or is taking the kids to things. Last night whilst waiting for dinner to cook I batched 12 portions of food. I'll do the same next week. I'll only now have to think about 3 or so meals that the four of us will eat together each week for the foreseeable.

Wow, so many replies! Yes, we've failed in the getting the kids cooking area. I'm not going to start beating myself up about it.

I think I'm just going to stop cooking twice a week and see what happens....

Yoga night, treat yourself and get yourself some food on your way, or a quick meal for yourself

Draw up a rota, for cooking, even beans in toast is fine now and again. You each cook at least once a week.

My DC are younger; they can sort out their own dinner and often do. Just stop cooking!

Something tells me he hates laundry, ironing, washing up, and cleaning the kitchen too, and sincerely believes that's a good enough reason not to do any of that.

Thank you for the solidarity! He's not a twat, I'm not going to LTB. He has good qualities, this isn't one of them

Each of the kids can cook once a week and your DH surely? Then it's only 3 times for you and 1 day where you have leftovers or oven pizza. I can't believe the 18 yr old doesn't cook. Please don't say it's because he's a boy? 🙈

Yikes my eldest can do porridge sachets in the microwave. Sausages and chips in their air fryer. Plus those frozen bacon wraps you get. And he's not nearly double digits. He also helped to do a chilli the other day and my youngest rinsed the rice off. Just step back. Get yourself a nice meal takeaway or ready meal for after your yoga class. If they start to protest just show them this thread!

@1newname can't you combine the two things and call a family meeting? Say you would like everyone to pick a day and let them cook? Then you aren't singling anyone out and just ushering in a change of regime that will suit everyone :)