trying to evict adult stepchild

[DionneEz]

This is my dilemma. The property is a marital home with my husband from whom I am now separated.

Before the separation, his adult son (21) was living with us. My husband has now left the property but insists that his adult son remain with me. This has been nearly 2 years.

At first I was accommodating, as my husband still pays half the mortgage, I pay all of the bills.

The stepson living here was not an issue at first, but now I can no longer cope as he basically stays indoors on his phone all day. The only time he comes out of his room is to collect his Ubereats.

I asked him about getting a job and contributing something financially towards the bills and I was given a story about how he was freelancing from home...and that his pay was intermittent.
However, I see the receipts for his Ubereats orders and they amount to about £20 daily, which is about £500 a month. When he does leave the house, he takes a £7 cab to the station when he can get the bus, which costs £2 or even walk as it is only 10 mins away...so clearly he has funds to splurge but he doesn't feel he has to contribute to the running of the house since his father owns half.

So the scenario is that I have a nearly 22-year-old man 24/7 in my house who refuses to lift a finger to do anything in terms of chores and doesn't contribute financially. I recently had to stop him using my toothpaste and bath soap because I was like you can buy your own surely.
I do go into the office 3 times a week and have errands and stuff to run on weekends but will come back to clean my house as this guy does absolutely nothing. When I was on hols for 3 weeks, he didn't even take the bins out. Yet his father insists that as he owns the house as well., he has every right to dictate who lives there. Is this true?

Anyway, I have given stepson notice even though he is not a tenant. The notice has now passed but he is still here and has no intention of leaving. I know the next step is to change the locks when he leaves which is rare but can his father come and let him in again and will I be breaking any laws if I lock the father out as well? Father doesn't live there and does not pay any bills..just half the mortgage but as the resident homeowner shouldn't my rights surpass his?

No. The police will simply say its a civil matter and not get involved.

The Dad is thinking why paid rent for son live independently while I pay this mortgage …

he’s there until Dad stops paying mortgage.

Hes making your life shit. Make him uncomfortable. Your things keep locked up, literally put a lock on your room and your supplies. Put video security in common areas. Remove WiFi or put on password. Make him buy his own. Throw out his food if he leaves it in fridge. Change hot water to miser setting. Pack up your nice things. I don’t trust him.

He sounds like he has MH or substance problems. He needs medical care … but not your problem.

This.

At the moment, your ex pays for half the house, providing a home for his son.

You can do one of two things, either bill your ex for dss' share of council tax, electricity, gas, buildings insurance, TV license, water and broadband.

Or you can force a sale of the house and move on with your life.

I'd choose the latter.

So tell him the son moves out next week. He either continues paying half the mortgage, or he doesn’t. But the son isn’t living there any more.

OP - you can do whatever you want provided you can cope with the consequences. Is your step son likely to take legal action if you change the locks? Based on your description of his behaviour that seems unlikely.

Is it likely to lead to more acrimonious behaviour from your ex? Again based on your description that seems likely. Possibly violence, but if not then the divorce process might get nasty and I suspect he would stop paying immediately (which shouldn’t be an issue if you can afford the mortgage as you mentioned).

It’s up to you if you think getting your stepson out is worth the (monetary and practical) consequences. Violence is of course very worrying and if you think that is possible you need to protect yourself.

Dont be so daft 😂

It may be easier to buy him out which is what I want to do.

Change the locks and buy out the rest of the property

Or put the latch up and use a different door to enter and leave the house

So go to the police to have him removed then.

I feel for you but I think you have some blurred lines because you are so pissed off.

Firstly, have you actually gone to a mortgage broker to see what you could get a mortgage for? We are just in the process of remortgaging, we were on 2.2% and we can get one for 3.9% - on a £140k mortgage this adds £180 per month. Why do you think it is going to go up to £5k a month? If this is the case then it will likely only go up to that in 2027 anyway, in which case, you would be in exactly the same position but 2 years down the line.

Secondly, if you persist in getting rid of your stepson then you may piss you ex off to the extent that he forces a sale or buy out, but this would be coming from him, if you act first, you have more control of the narritive.

Thirdly, no matter what, get that divorce and a financial order (this isnt the right term but where you cut all financial ties going forward) sorted before something major happens in your life that he could have claim to (inheritance, lottery win), if you dont do this and something major happens then he could be entitled to half, which I am sure will piss you off even further (again, rightly, so, it would piss me off)

You need to cut out the noise of your anger (rightly, he sounds like a dick), forget about this human rights nonsense you are spouting, take control, get the divorce, sort out your home (re mortgage, buying him out, selling and moving or whatever) but do it on your terms rather than his.

for clarification, he has filed for a divorce. I have responded. The ball is in his court to get the decree nisi.
I looked it up and I can’t file for a divorce since he has already done so as only one petition can proceed at a time.

the WiFi suggestion was mentioned last night and I plan to do this in the morning. I will also check the mains to see if I can switch the electricity off in his room.

Caveat here, although I am a retired solicitor my family law is a bit rusty. You really need to get advice from a solicitor asap. A lot of the things that have been said on here are utter rubbish. Your SS has no right to occupy the house and if he does not leave you can either remove his stuff and in my view change the locks. If your husband wanted to move back in he technically could,and you would have to offer him a key but really, he has another property and you have another property so would he do that?
You are clearly high worth individuals and the equity in your buy to lets and other assets will be relevant here too - and any pensions you have, please get some formal advice and get this legally sorted.

This is an unusual situation. You need a lawyer, not MN.

I am in London…. I wish I had a small mortgage but don’t. Already pay nearly £2k a month with 2% Interest rates are around 4% so that will double.

Thank you!

This!!!

But of course, he's a stepchild so he must be deeply traumatised and wronged by the evil stepmother. Of course, that must be the reason for his behaviour. 🙄 Even though he's a workshy layabout who is volatile and sounds like he could turn dangerous. Stepparents really can't do anything right according to some people on MN.

You nailed it when you said it was about control. Your XH was, and is still abusive. This is an example. You are allowing the dynamic to continue ( very common even after a physical split )by engaging in this dispute. Only you can break the dynamic, that means not co owning the house any more. You need to face that.

It’s not fair, it’s not right ( although the vast majority on here seem to think it’s not illegal so you would be wise to listen ). You can go round the legal route , potentially costing all the money and more you’ll save on your current mortgage deal. Your XH will love it, he’ll know that he is still occupying most of your thoughts, and you’re not moving on with your life.

Or you take the hit, either buy him out or sell, and start getting him properly out of your head and your life. Do the Freedom Programme regardless, it’s life changing.

really??? do you know where the meter is and the fuse box is??? if you cannot lock it after turning it off, remove all the fuses and take them with you. take a pic first to make sure you put them back in the correct place though!

I don't think many people are suggesting the SS is a lovely chap. All most of us are saying is that this isn't a breach of human rights etc. People are giving advice on how to make his life uncomfortable eg remove WiFi but just saying that changing locks will definitely escalate the situation. In a scenario where there is DV then escalating a situation may not be wise. Most people are suggesting that the house is sold ASAP so that OP doesn't have to have any more contact with SS and stbx

Speak to your lawyer but I think it is possible for you to legally reject his divorce petition and start your own if you think he is stalling. It’s not a divorce that’s going to move your life on it is sorting out your finances. Inheritance lottery win etc can be exempted from a divorce settlement if they haven’t formed part of the “ marital assets “ - well this is what my lawyer said about money my now ex inherited just before I left him.

That's simply not true.

The Family Procedure Rules state he cannot file a 2nd petition but you as the respondent are perfectly able to.

Petition and get on with it.

You can by a circuit breaker lock from your local electrical wholesaler or eBay.

We all recognise that she’s pissed off about this situation, and we would be too.

The point is that she is being given advice based on our layperson’s understanding of the law and she, also a layperson, is arguing about it.

She thinks that morally SS shouldn’t be allowed to live there, which most of us agree with. But it’s actually what the law says that’s relevant.

The police wouldn't turn up. She would phone the police, they would ask why SS is there, she would explain because she owns the house with her ex. The wouldn't get involved. IF they did turn up, SS would explain his Dad owns the property and gave him permission to live there. The wouldn't get involved.

Time to make the divorce happen. Full financial disclosure by both of you. Clean break. Your independence.
Full legal advice. @DionneEz

You seem less than motivated to do that having had this go on so long already.

But then, it would be legal for OP to remove the Wi-Fi and TV access, lock up the electric, kitchen, her bathroom and bedroom, and turn off the water when she isn't there or asleep, correct?