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Original poster

trying to evict adult stepchild

806 replies

DionneEz · 01/03/2025 22:33

This is my dilemma. The property is a marital home with my husband from whom I am now separated.

Before the separation, his adult son (21) was living with us. My husband has now left the property but insists that his adult son remain with me. This has been nearly 2 years.

At first I was accommodating, as my husband still pays half the mortgage, I pay all of the bills.

The stepson living here was not an issue at first, but now I can no longer cope as he basically stays indoors on his phone all day. The only time he comes out of his room is to collect his Ubereats.

I asked him about getting a job and contributing something financially towards the bills and I was given a story about how he was freelancing from home...and that his pay was intermittent.
However, I see the receipts for his Ubereats orders and they amount to about £20 daily, which is about £500 a month. When he does leave the house, he takes a £7 cab to the station when he can get the bus, which costs £2 or even walk as it is only 10 mins away...so clearly he has funds to splurge but he doesn't feel he has to contribute to the running of the house since his father owns half.

So the scenario is that I have a nearly 22-year-old man 24/7 in my house who refuses to lift a finger to do anything in terms of chores and doesn't contribute financially. I recently had to stop him using my toothpaste and bath soap because I was like you can buy your own surely.
I do go into the office 3 times a week and have errands and stuff to run on weekends but will come back to clean my house as this guy does absolutely nothing. When I was on hols for 3 weeks, he didn't even take the bins out. Yet his father insists that as he owns the house as well., he has every right to dictate who lives there. Is this true?

Anyway, I have given stepson notice even though he is not a tenant. The notice has now passed but he is still here and has no intention of leaving. I know the next step is to change the locks when he leaves which is rare but can his father come and let him in again and will I be breaking any laws if I lock the father out as well? Father doesn't live there and does not pay any bills..just half the mortgage but as the resident homeowner shouldn't my rights surpass his?

OP posts:
KvotheTheBloodless · 02/03/2025 07:48

You need a solicitor OP, MN is not going to be helpful here. There are many posters who hate step parents and will argue the sky is green and the grass is blue if it means putting you in the wrong.

It's a bit tricky legally, please get proper legal advice.

Bestfootforward11 · 02/03/2025 07:49

Completely understand why you want the son out but this cannot be separated from the fact your ex has ownership rights and is paying half the mortgage. To stop this you need to buy him out or sell up. I understand why you might not want to do this but that is the best way to sort things legally. The only other thing is for you to talk to your ex about his son to explain you are worried about him and that he needs some direction etc. your ex may not be interested but that’s how I see the options. Good luck.

Ritzybitzy · 02/03/2025 07:52

DionneEz · 01/03/2025 23:23

Thanks.

There are no minor children involved. Ex is legally obligated to pay the mortgage because he signed on the dotted line that he would responsible as I did. I can afford to pay by myself if he stopped paying. but I was advised that if he did I could bring that up in the financial agreement.

I will be seeking the advice of a solicitor in that regard, but the issue is the son. I can no longer live with him and wanted to know if I could just change the locks when he is out and if my ex could let him back in?

Show quote history

Basically yes. If you change the locks your ex can change them back. He can also move back in.

Realistically the only way you can address this is by severing the relationship with ex completely.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Family law Relationship problems
napody · 02/03/2025 07:53

Bunny44 · 02/03/2025 05:56

They don't have to but often they do and I'm saying I ported my mortgage in a similar situation.

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Yes you did, I'm glad you were able to. Was it at a time when the gulf between historic fixed rates and current rates was so large though? Banks must be kicking themselves over the ten year fixes they're lumbered with for another 8 years.

Tumbleweed101 · 02/03/2025 07:56

How old was step son when you and your husband got together? Where is his mum?

If you have known him most of his childhood and parented him along side your ex then you need to parent him now. Make it clear he needs to contribute towards the bills. They are reluctant to part with their earnings because they have no idea of the real cost of living at that age. Are you able to have a proper conversation with him?

thepariscrimefiles · 02/03/2025 07:59

I assume that as you are married, you would have a claim for half of the property where he is living now? Speak to a solicitor to find out exactly what steps you can take to get your step-son to leave. Could you afford the whole mortgage on your own if you can get your ex off the mortgage/deeds?

smilingeleanor · 02/03/2025 08:00

Jeez - not sure why arguing with MN about human rights is gonna sort this out.

Just buy your ex out! No one's property rights trump another's - you could give permission to anyone else u want to come and live in your house but that would be silly. Buy him out

YourHappyJadeEagle · 02/03/2025 08:06

I’d change the locks , bag up all SS stuff and text him it’ll be on the doorstep at x time. Let ex husband then take you to court to sell the property or buy him out. It’ll not be quick.
Insisting SS stays with you is a form of control imo. You’re not likely to bring a man back if he’s there are you?

Diningtableornot · 02/03/2025 08:06

DionneEz · 01/03/2025 23:23

Thanks.

There are no minor children involved. Ex is legally obligated to pay the mortgage because he signed on the dotted line that he would responsible as I did. I can afford to pay by myself if he stopped paying. but I was advised that if he did I could bring that up in the financial agreement.

I will be seeking the advice of a solicitor in that regard, but the issue is the son. I can no longer live with him and wanted to know if I could just change the locks when he is out and if my ex could let him back in?

Show quote history

This arrangement is unfair to you but you presumably have no tenancy agreement with the son and your ex has a verbal contract with you to let him live there in exchange for his half of the mortgage being paid. You need legal advice but your best bet might be to have a meeting with the two of them saying that the arrangement is not working for you and the son needs to move out. You could offer to take a lodger who would pay your ex rent. But since your ex and his son are both appear to be unreasonable irresponsible people your chances are low.
Or you could simply offer to buy out your ex, offering him a good deal if he will go ahead immediately. That sounds much the best thing for you.

AuntAgathaGregson · 02/03/2025 08:06

I have to say, there are worse lodgers to have than someone who just stays quietly in their room all day. When you talk about having to do the housework, he's actually using very little of the house - his room, the bathroom, and maybe occasionally the kitchen.

Is it worth talking to your ex about either making his son contribute more financially (including the cost of a cleaner once a week) or doing so himself?

Biscuitsnotcookies · 02/03/2025 08:09

AuntAgathaGregson · 02/03/2025 08:06

I have to say, there are worse lodgers to have than someone who just stays quietly in their room all day. When you talk about having to do the housework, he's actually using very little of the house - his room, the bathroom, and maybe occasionally the kitchen.

Is it worth talking to your ex about either making his son contribute more financially (including the cost of a cleaner once a week) or doing so himself?

Umm I would hate someone in my house all of the time paying absolutely nothing, doing nothing. That is the worst case scenario.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 02/03/2025 08:11

forcliffssake · 02/03/2025 07:27

Everyone here is saying the same thing over and over. So I will too. LOL
OP, I note you say that after a DV incident your DH (as he actually is not an EX) 'chose not to come back'.
So, did you want him to come back? Is this what it's about?
You have said he hasn't persued getting a divorce. Why would he do this? What reason would you not be the one divorcing him, if he is the one committing the DV?
Why have you not answered the question about switching off the WiFi ? He's a young bloke obsessed with online stuff so it's a surefire way of getting him out. You can put it on periodically when you need it. So - WHY?

That is the one thing totally confusing me. OP doesn't sound unintelligent, yet, she has done nothing to encourage him to leave? Change the WiFi and TV passwords, turn off the hot water when you leave for work, don't let him use the washing machine or anything else. Lock on her bedroom door and bathroom door (if she has her own). There is always something that can be done.

But really, two years and not gotten a solicitor involved. Mind-blowing.

thepariscrimefiles · 02/03/2025 08:12

DionneEz · 02/03/2025 00:20

Without going into too much detail he was put on bail for domestic violence. He then decided not to come back to the marital home...He was not excluded permanently from the home so he does not have the right to charge me rent.

I do appreciate the advice you guys have given me on here but since when does a husband who assaulted his wife have the right to charge the wife rent because he was put on bail and then subsequently chose to leave the home?

He pays the mortgage because he is obligated to because it is his loan as well. If he doesn't pay I will pay however, the issue here is him lumbering his son with me because he doesn't want to deal with him.

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As well as speaking to a solicitor, please speak to Women's Aid about the situation. Lumbering you with his layabout adult son seems like an extension of his domestic abuse towards you.

In the meantime, change the Wifi password so he can't use all the devices that you have mentioned.

Smeegall · 02/03/2025 08:13

DionneEz · 01/03/2025 23:17

I wouldn't want to sell now as I have a really good mortgage rate at 2% which ends in 2027. If I sell and buy again, I wouldn't get the same deal.

It may be easier to buy him out which is what I want to do. However, the issue now is his son.

Show quote history

You can port your mortgage to a new property - we did this to avoid paying an early repayment fee whilst moving within the contract.

jay55 · 02/03/2025 08:18

Step son is essentially a lodger. You've given him reasonable notice to leave so yes go ahead and change the locks when he's out, pack up his stuff and tell him to arrange a date to collect it.

At this point his father could move back in or change the locks again. But I doubt he will. As above the worst is he could try and charge you rent for the 40% of the house he owns that he now cannot use or stop paying the mortgage.

Lickityspit · 02/03/2025 08:20

DionneEz · 02/03/2025 04:03

I am finding it difficult because, while I appreciate that he is a legal owner what about my legal ownership? Is that just disregarded?

And how is it legal for a separated partner to move their new gf in with their separated wife into the marital home they both own? I know you are being helpful but I feel you are trying to wind me up. under Family Law Act 1996 such a situation would be seen as intolerable.

The settlement is being sorted but taking time.

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You are mixing up what is morally right and what is legally right here. Your ex still owns half of the house and could legally move anyone in including himself if he wanted to.
Morally I feel for you but life isn’t fair. As everyone has said you need to do this to the letter of the law and by the book.

Cutecatty · 02/03/2025 08:21

This isn’t a thing. If it was, all abusive men would be moving people into the ex marital home wouldn't they.

Ss has absolutely no right to be there. Kick him out and change the locks. I’m astonished this has gone on for two years. You can’t be forced to live with someone op.

bigvig · 02/03/2025 08:23

Sorry OP. You're in a really shit position. However as others have said your only option really is to sell up and move. Your ex sounds obviously abusive and controlling and so would likely make an absolute meal of it if you tried to buy him out. Have you looked into porting your mortgage?

ThePartingOfTheWays · 02/03/2025 08:23

TheAmusedQuail · 02/03/2025 04:33

I get that. But you can't discuss your way out of legal obligations.

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Yep! Don't be that client. It can get very expensive for people who can't see past what they think the law should be. You need to be hard headed about this.

PussInBin20 · 02/03/2025 08:27

Just chuck him out then and see what happens 🤷‍♀️

maddening · 02/03/2025 08:28

napody · 02/03/2025 03:14

I don't think they have to let you as you aren't just porting- you're taking out a new mortgage as a single person with all the affordability checks etc that entails. If your bank let you keep your rate when divorcing, I don't think they had to?

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I know someone who ported their mortgage and then has another mortgage to make up the rest,.so they have 2 mortgages on their new property.

Zita60 · 02/03/2025 08:29

@DionneEz Why do you keep arguing with people here who are trying to give you advice, based on their understanding of the law?

I don't think any of us are lawyers, so your questions can only be answered by a lawyer, although Citizen's Advice should also be able to help.

I don't see any further point to your thread.

BettyButtersBatter · 02/03/2025 08:30

Cherchez la mum

Cutecatty · 02/03/2025 08:31

This thread is absolutely bonkers.

What do you think the legal implications are of kicking him out? There aren’t any.

MellowCritic · 02/03/2025 08:32

DionneEz · 01/03/2025 23:08

Why can't I change the locks? Ex doesn't live here. Besides, it is the adult son that I am changing the locks for. Adult son's name is not on the property deeds.

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Op you're asking mumsnet a question that you should be asking a solicitor. Even if someone gives you advice here you can't verify it or you'd be checking yourself online. Pay for the correct legal advice.