DH wants me to 'get over it' re MIL

[stillunderit]

Changed username but I've posted about my decade (and counting) of MIL problems before. She stepped everything up a gear once DC arrived, with grand delusions about the main character role she'd be playing in bringing up our children - tried to send me away to a hotel 3 days after birth of first DC so she could stay at home with my baby (not joking), opened all my new baby gifts while I was asleep, hosted guests in my house while I was sobbing into a breastpump hidden away upstairs. I naively assumed it would pass and we would somehow be okay but it's only gotten worse over the years. Nothing is ever enough for her and although they live 5 hours away from us she thinks we should all be up there so she can 'show off her grandchidlren' to her friends etc. She complains endlessly about us, compares us negatively to friends' children etc, and she's been awful to our DC over the years too - calling my daughter 'special needs looking' in her glasses, insiting they were taken off for wedding photos etc, gaslighting the children and guilt tripping them awfully - 'poor granny never sees you, won't you put flowers in your hair and dance for granny to make her happy.' She once turned around and shouted at my then 3&4 year old DC who were uspet in the back of the car with her, whinging for 'mummy', 'shall I start crying for MY MUMMY and see how you like it!?'. They asked for years not to be left alone with her as she was horrible to them if they missed us at all.

I can't do it all justice at all, and I'm not perfect, obviously, but when I had my third DC something in me flipped and I couldn't face them anymore. She came and complained he slept too much (she woke my first two up and I wouldn't have it the third time around), and finally, when we booked a trip up to see them and booked our own accommodation not the nearby cottage she had apparently booked without asking us she had the hissy fit of the century and sent tens of messages at all hours saying she had no reason to live if we didn't do as she pleased etc. It was unhinged.

I am friendly when they come to visit, but beyond that I have stepped away as I genuinely can't cope with her anymore. More to the point, my marriage can't survive it, my DH has fallen out with her along the way but it all eventually gets swept back under the carpet. If he ever really pulls her up on something specific she literally screams and wails at him denying solid facts. It's not something I can cope with, but it's obviously more normal to him and he has again now asked me to 'get over it' and go and see them at easter as she has been messaging him demanding we all go rather than just my DH and two older DCs. I was looking forward to a bit of a break! She has accused me of 'cancelling' her (Daily Mail reader) and seems to think I should just fall into line and do what she wants as she is entitled to us all up there.

I have dug my heels in and won't go, my DH and I are back into the same old cycles of it and he is asking why I can't just 'get over it' and go and see everyone. When I try and explain (for the hundreth time) he gets shirty and says 'that was years ago' etc as if I'm being stubborn rather than standing up for myself after years of this nonsense. I don't want any drama, I really just want peace and I have totally hit my limit with what I can tolerate. I'm upset that he seems to be thinking of it almost like he is caught between two difficult women and I really don't think I have been (I put up with so much for so long).

This is now so long, and I don't even know what I'm asking. Does anyone have any experience of this sort of stuff? Do I sound like I'm being obstinate now to stick to my guns?

TLDR: DH wants me to forget MILs decade of awful behaviour and go back to spending holiday time with them for an easy life.

YANBU at all. I could not go back to seeing her.

I wouldn't want any of my Dc to see her either. Can you trust your h to keep them safe with his mad mother and to advocate for them?

No children but my MIL (and FIL for enabling/spitefully actively encouraging) tantrummed when she didn't get her way. DH always refusing to address it. After one particularly horrible incident involving my ill father and being told my career wasn't important, it just kept me busy whilst my DH worked because I didn't have children, I point blank refused to see then again and he was forced to explain why the first time he went there without me. They wailed and cried to him but that's his problem.

You don't have to get over it when they've shown not an ounce of recognition that their behaviour is wrong. Just ignore them and enjoy not having that pit of dread in your stomach when a visit is on the horizon.

@BellissimoGecko it was a big part of why I kept going for so long, while they were really little I didn't trust her with them at all and I didn't trust my DH to protect them either. She refused to use carseats, wanted them on her lap, tried to feed them all sorts of choking hazards etc, put my newborn in the bath with her dog, the list goes on.

They are old enough now that I know they wouldn't put up with much and my DH would definitely be on guard with it all. He objectively knows she has been/ is awful, and I think part of why he wants me to go is to back him up - I feel bad not doing that in some ways, but the only way I can describe it is like I have hit a limit with it and I physically don't think I could get in the car and drive up there. I am so so done, and retrospectively furious with myself for so much of what I let go for all those years until recently.

@Liverpool52 the wailing and crying seems to be a theme! I wish I could just relax a bit and know I have taken myself out of it a bit but when it all kicks off each time I get this horrendous knot of panic and then so upset when my DH would clearly just prefer me to keep her happy, like he has always had to do since being a child I suppose.

Does he want you to get over it or to be his human shield because he doesn't like going either?

Let's face it, it can't be that long before the kids are old enough to vote with their feet too.

His mum his problem . And you can actually point out to him that he doesn’t HAVE to go!

You've done well to come this far.

You never have to see her or speak to her ever again if your children are old enough to go and see her independently or with their father.

It will be trickier if she comes to visit you because if you go out you run the risk of her meddling in your home.

Personally I would withdraw to my bedroom and instruct the children to tell tales if she does anything untoward. Let your husband entertain her and cook for her.

@AnnaMagnani yes he definitely feels better if I'm there to support him, which I really understand, but on the other hand he hasn't done much to protect me over the years, something that has really damaged our relationship actually.

It's funny you say that about the children's ages, she is definitely losing interest in the older DC who she can't control now, and is suddenly all about our youngest (who she grimaced at as a newborn and announced with a disgusted face that he must have my genes as there was no family resemblance their side).

YANBU. And your dh needs to stop asking you to get over it. You should sit him down and have a long chat about why you won’t be going. Give him examples and explain how even now you can’t forget and see but prepared to put yourself in the firing line again. Likewise I would also explain the kids are aware if his she is and actually you would prefer he goes on his own so the kids are not subjected to her either

she made her bed etc

Maybe he should find his spine, tell his mother that you've both had enough of her selfish behaviour and will not be going to visit. And she can just get over it.

@Porkyporkchop he has the strongest sense of 'how things must be done' that is directly linked to seeing his family (who he is not close to at all), just out of duty / fear/ guilt.

@stillunderit he'll get there eventually. My DH was very much like this and I get it from his petspective, it's so difficult to reverse a lifetime of this crap. When he realised I wasn't going to just give in again, that seemed to end the cycle and make him see how awful they are. Turns out his friends had been seeing for years but didn't want to drive him away by saying anything.

@CoffeeBeansGalore that's my biggest fantasy (laughing or I'd cry).

Given he has this strong sense of obligation, has he ever looked up FOG- Fear Obligation Guilt?

Both of you would get a lot from Susan Forward's books, Toxic Parents, and Toxic In-laws.

@vaxtable I feel like I've explained to him so many times, and he seems to understand but then when it all heats up again (the millions of messages start pouring in, the health crises start again 'I can't be stressed because of my heart, you need to not stress me at all') he forgets it all and reverts to the notion that I could just 'get over it'. I couldnt at this stage if I wanted to, Which I don't.

@Chuchoter I think there might be something not completely right with her, she genuinely seems to think she can demand I do / don't do things. She was sending messages about christmas saying it wasn't important that I saw my family as I have siblings so my parents can see them instead.

@AnnaMagnani I've read the toxic inlaws book, it was very useful, my DH would never entertain anything like that, he'd definitely see it as me making a fuss and causing issues. I think he does need counselling as I can see how his upbringing has caused him so deep unhappiness, but it needs to be his decision doesn't it. I actually think there is a tiny part of him that thinks all women are 'a bit mental' because that's easier for him to face than the fact his mother is deeply unpleasant and selfish.

Would you be willing to “try again” on the firm understanding that you’ll turn round and come the 5 hours back home if she starts with any nonsense?

Tell your DH you’re genuinely worried (haha) that you’ll start World War III if you do go because you won’t be able to stand by while she does whatever she’ll inevitably do. Then he can decide for himself whether he’s brave enough to go without you as backup or whether he’d rather not play nice with his mum.

Yes I had this.

Eventually I had a panic attack while up with pils and DH had to realise how bad it was.

I refused to see them again.

DH did try many times to make me but I simply said that he was welcome to go and he was welcome to take the kids but I was not going,

We had multiple three hour plus rows over it but the more I refused the more he accepted it.

His siblings who were far more sensible were already low contact.

Stick to your guns.

@Serriadh the thought of going makes me feel sick and anxious, I really don't think I could!

@Octavia64 I'm sorry you've had this too, it's exhausting and so disappointing, I always assumed I'd just have a nice relationship with ILs, I was so naive.

This is a woman who after her SIL (who she had relentlessly bullied by all accounts) died after a horrible secondary cancer diagnosis, announced smugly 'well, I feel I have my brother back'. That's how she sees it all, just wicked women stealing her boys away from her.

I'd point point out that I have no reason to believe she'll behave any differently than she has the last one hundred times, so have no reason to put myself back into that environment. I'd also point out that whilst I'd set my own healthy boundaries and protection for my kids, he was free to do what he wanted and therefore isn't stuck between anyone - it's his choice to continue to be treated badly.

That being said, that he would happily use you and his own children to shield himself from his mum would really disgust me at quite a core level.

@Pickledpeanuts it has really made me lose respect for him. I feel sorry for him, but I see him as less of a proper husband and father for how he has failed to handle it all.

Op, I think your DH is pressuring you because you are reasonable, so you can be reasoned with and (so he thinks) convinced. He knows his mum is NOT reasonable and so won't even try. Stand your ground and don't go. I'd suggest to him that he really doesn't have to go either if he doesn't want to... (actually I wouldn't want my daughters to go if I could help it !)

@Maxorias I definitely think there is an element of it being much less awful for him to upset me than to upset her. He's not scared of me!

I wish I could say no to any DC going, it's genuinely at a point where I think about how much more they'd see her if we divorced over all of this. That's how done I am.