DH wants me to 'get over it' re MIL

[stillunderit]

Changed username but I've posted about my decade (and counting) of MIL problems before. She stepped everything up a gear once DC arrived, with grand delusions about the main character role she'd be playing in bringing up our children - tried to send me away to a hotel 3 days after birth of first DC so she could stay at home with my baby (not joking), opened all my new baby gifts while I was asleep, hosted guests in my house while I was sobbing into a breastpump hidden away upstairs. I naively assumed it would pass and we would somehow be okay but it's only gotten worse over the years. Nothing is ever enough for her and although they live 5 hours away from us she thinks we should all be up there so she can 'show off her grandchidlren' to her friends etc. She complains endlessly about us, compares us negatively to friends' children etc, and she's been awful to our DC over the years too - calling my daughter 'special needs looking' in her glasses, insiting they were taken off for wedding photos etc, gaslighting the children and guilt tripping them awfully - 'poor granny never sees you, won't you put flowers in your hair and dance for granny to make her happy.' She once turned around and shouted at my then 3&4 year old DC who were uspet in the back of the car with her, whinging for 'mummy', 'shall I start crying for MY MUMMY and see how you like it!?'. They asked for years not to be left alone with her as she was horrible to them if they missed us at all.

I can't do it all justice at all, and I'm not perfect, obviously, but when I had my third DC something in me flipped and I couldn't face them anymore. She came and complained he slept too much (she woke my first two up and I wouldn't have it the third time around), and finally, when we booked a trip up to see them and booked our own accommodation not the nearby cottage she had apparently booked without asking us she had the hissy fit of the century and sent tens of messages at all hours saying she had no reason to live if we didn't do as she pleased etc. It was unhinged.

I am friendly when they come to visit, but beyond that I have stepped away as I genuinely can't cope with her anymore. More to the point, my marriage can't survive it, my DH has fallen out with her along the way but it all eventually gets swept back under the carpet. If he ever really pulls her up on something specific she literally screams and wails at him denying solid facts. It's not something I can cope with, but it's obviously more normal to him and he has again now asked me to 'get over it' and go and see them at easter as she has been messaging him demanding we all go rather than just my DH and two older DCs. I was looking forward to a bit of a break! She has accused me of 'cancelling' her (Daily Mail reader) and seems to think I should just fall into line and do what she wants as she is entitled to us all up there.

I have dug my heels in and won't go, my DH and I are back into the same old cycles of it and he is asking why I can't just 'get over it' and go and see everyone. When I try and explain (for the hundreth time) he gets shirty and says 'that was years ago' etc as if I'm being stubborn rather than standing up for myself after years of this nonsense. I don't want any drama, I really just want peace and I have totally hit my limit with what I can tolerate. I'm upset that he seems to be thinking of it almost like he is caught between two difficult women and I really don't think I have been (I put up with so much for so long).

This is now so long, and I don't even know what I'm asking. Does anyone have any experience of this sort of stuff? Do I sound like I'm being obstinate now to stick to my guns?

TLDR: DH wants me to forget MILs decade of awful behaviour and go back to spending holiday time with them for an easy life.

She sounds unbearable. My MIL was similarly awful although she would rant rather than wail and cry. She would make (completely unreasonable) demands and if they were refused the ranting would start - in person, on the phone, she'd then rant at her husband and other grown up kids until they also ranted on her behalf. None of them dared refuse to do her bidding because she just didn't take no for an answer and she then also aimed her wrath at them.

There was no reasoning with her because she was such an unreasonable person. I used to just quietly drop the rope and avoid seeing her. She'd then rant about that but at least I didn't have to hear it. I would stay away until she forgot what she was ranting about and stopped.

My husband infuriated me because he'd say things like "you know what she's like, just bite your tongue and go along with it" but I just thought why should I? Why does the reasonable person have to submit to the unreasonable one? It's like rewarding a toddler for having a tantrum.

She ruined part of our wedding on purpose by insulting my parents and then turning up nearly 2 hours late to the reception. (She was annoyed that we said no to her inviting multiple friends of hers even though it was a small wedding. ) After that I stayed away near enough permanently. I only saw her a handful of times after that at family funerals etc. My husband moaned that I'd made his relationship with his family "difficult". I would respond that no, she had done that. But it caused a lot of friction between us and to be honest it only resolved once she was dead.

Sorry that probably isn't helpful at all but I just wanted to offer some solidarity as I know what is like and also how exasperating it is when your husband thinks you should be a doormat so he can have a quiet life.

Could you access his phone on the quiet and block her out side of 9am-6pm? 😀

I trust you are not receiving this barrage of contact personally. If you are I'd establish what is needed to approach the police about harassment. I would then be very firm on this point with her but I'd start by blocking her if you haven't already.

Who isn't bothered about upsetting you

Why is she more important than his wife and children?

If he won't go to counselling, maybe you should? You would get lots of useful advice how to handle all of this for your own benefit and by default, his

I would say to answer your original post. You are completely within your rights to withdraw from this entirely and have nothing to do with the woman.

You can then remain at home with children who are "busy" and leave it at that. That obviously means your youngest may travel solo with your DH and be exposed to this behaviour.

The alternative is divorce really but then she will get unfettered access to your children so unless your marriage is otherwise in trouble this is something that can be worked through

He cannot see it because it is his 'mummy' . If it was the other way around and your mum behaving like that to him it would be very different!!!

My MIL hasn’t been allowed in our house and I haven’t visited her for over 10 years. DH was deeply ingrained in his thinking for a while (you’ve probably heard it ‘it’s just how she is” ‘it’s no big deal’ …) he’s much happier now and only sees her about twice a year himself by choice. He’s free. So yes you’ll probably have to be the one to stand up for the whole family unfortunately. He won’t do it by choice.
do it, life is too short to put up with these people, I only wish I’d done it sooner! The peace is wonderful. Tell him if he chooses to go and be emotionally blackmailed that’s up to him but you’ll not be joining in going forward. Good luck OP

Only reason I would go would be to protect my DC and to be honest if they needed protecting I would be inclined not to let them go.
No need for you to see her at all and not fair of your DH to ask, he certainly isn't doing it for anyones benefit other than himself

My reply to this would be that I think it’s only right she have the correct and immediate mental health intervention she clearly needs.

Not okay to leave your children around someone threatening to harm themselves and clearly unstable. Husband can feel how he likes about it.

As your DC are older now, let DH take them and let him deal with them being upset at what Granny does. Only for a weekend or so though.
That's what I did with my DH. My MiL isn't even a fraction as bad, but routinely totally ignored me and the kids (once they weren't cute little ones any more). He really gets the issues now after our dealing with our DC in MiLs house. Not being able to offload child management can be very enlightening.

I haven't read beyond late yesterday evenings comments so apologies if this has been suggested.

Would your husband consider therapy? It sounds like he would massively benefit from going no contact with his mother/parents.

You mention she messages at all sorts of times day & night - could he mute or block her overnight at least as a start to take back some of the control and not disturb his sleep? I imagine asking him to just block her will not work at this stage.

Or ask him if he wants to see her, or if he's going because she makes him feel guilty. If the latter, kindly explain to him that he is not obligated to go and see anyone, especially not someone who abuses and bullies him and his family. Tell him you will help him if needs be, by being the one to tell her (via any means you like) that NONE of you will be visiting and she is not welcome to your home anymore. Then block her on all devices, social media accounts, email addresses etc. Change settings on anything you can to only allow messages from current friends/contacts so she can't try creating new fb profiles for example to contact him. Talk to his siblings and ask them to help support him in going NC.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable in holding your ground and refusing to go. She sounds like an awful human being, and that comment after her SIL died was disgusting. I think you are amazing for putting up with it as long as you did. Although that inadvertently may make it harder for your DH to cut contact, as he's had an extra decade of normalising this behaviour.

People like her end up very lonely, miserable old people, moaning to anyone that will listen about how awful their children are for dropping them and never, ever acknowledging that their behaviour drove away all of their family and friends over the years.

She refused to use carseats, wanted them on her lap, tried to feed them all sorts of choking hazards etc, put my newborn in the bath with her dog, the list goes on.

She sounds deranged (and dangerous)

why in god’s name are you only prepared to protect your youngest kid from her? Why should the older 2 have to endure a woman that you yourself won’t deal with?

that is poor parenting OP.

I think you should ask her “Are you seriously threatening to kill yourself?” and when she inevitably answers “Yes” call the police and request a welfare check. That should nip that shit in the bud.

Actually why not write a detailed letter as dh suggests she knows why you won't go? .. Let him read it first. I guarantee he won't deliver it.. But you have done your job... Told her via letter... Is she doesn't receive it that's on dh. And he can stfu. Or stand stamping your own feet shrieking you don't want to go. . But stop offering up any of your dc to appease such a fruitcake.. Unelss they actually want to go.

Oh Dear Christ!!

If I were you, I wouldn’t see her again as long as I had breath in my body!

She sounds totally mad! I’ve heard some MIL stories in my time, but this is another level

Id be staying well clear, OP.

💐 for you!

haha - no. He can go if he wants. Your older DCs can go if they want.

You can do exactly as you please and if your DH won't guarantee that he will be on high alert with any younger DCs who go - they do what you do.

Frankly? he needs to get over his mother and break the chain.

You are absolutely in the right. Hold your ground. Your DP is what they call”in the fog”.

Yep.
When DD finished with her BF he tried this nonsense. I phoned his Mum and his Dad drove straight to where he was at Uni.
He was fine and it shocked him out of every doing anything similar again.
I felt for his parents but calling anyone to try and use emotional blackmail like that needs to be dealt with

My husband infuriated me because he'd say things like "you know what she's like, just bite your tongue and go along with it" but I just thought why should I? Why does the reasonable person have to submit to the unreasonable one? It's like rewarding a toddler for having a tantrum.

oh god the "you know what she's like" (luckily my DH really did have my back, but i had this from all the SIL and my BIL). I used to say. "but yes, and you all know what I'm like. And if she riles me again the sentences i use will have the word 'cunt' in them. Is that what you want?". I was never put to the test, luckily because i stayed away and she couldn't visit us because witches can't cross water.

This: he wants you to be his meat shield.

Just refuse. State your position firmly and kindly.

Thank you for expressing your desire that we all go to see your parents. That must have been hard for you. I will not be going because your mother behaves outrageously and screams/cries/tantrums to force us into compliance. I don’t enjoy that and I won’t put up with it. Have a good trip.

This woman is insane and interactions are just enabling her.

I think I would be total NC.

Dig in and have the Easter you want. As you say, the DC are going to be able to decide for themselves any minute so run down the clock as best you can.

She will get batshitter as she gets older too. Mad as tartan toast!

Similar story here. The only reason it all stopped was because she died. I was seriously losing my mind because the thought of this woman in my life forever was so unbearable. My biggest wish was to somehow get my own place so then I would never have to see her again.

ETA: What is so hard is being the one that comes into the family and clearly sees the insanity but you look like the arsehole because it’s all just normal to them. It makes you feel insane!

Your DH has been conditioned since birth to tow the line. That's incredibly difficult to break (not making excuses for her behaviour).
Explain your boundary is not moving but that you don't want it to effect your marriage so it's a agree to disagree but your line is your line.

My MIL is incredibly difficult always the victim, tells so many lies to different family members that if all together she goes silent.
I stopped getting involved and would just make sure when DH got back from visits that I would make him a cuppa and have his favourite chocolate etc. My MIL spent 2 years painting me as the big bad DIL but she's stopped now as nobody listens.

When he says “that was years ago” ask him why he wants you to suffer fresh bullshit from her, why isn’t what she has already done enough. can he guarantee she won’t pull the same shit again and if she does will he take you home immediately.

He won’t be able to answer those questions because he wants to throw you under the bus for the sake of his quiet life with his mummy. He can have that without you being there.

Your MIL sounds like she has severe problems and needs professional help. Her behaviour sounds abusive.What's the advice people give for dealing with an abuser? Stop allowing them access to your life.

Personally, I'd find DH a counsellor ASAP ( he won't organise this himself) make an appointment and go with him. Say you will only discuss the problem with him if he agrees to see someone.

Look at it this way. She already treats you so badly when you comply. How would complying again make any difference?

Yes, she will make a fuss. But she's already making a fuss.
In practical terms, how much more can she step that up?
Say mean things about you to all and sundry. She already does that.
Use DH as a flying monkey. She already does that too.

Dont let her visit her anger on your DCs. Have your DC's backs and stay firm. Her behaviour is a ruinous example to them.

Your DH can do what he wants. But so can you.
He's had a chance to deal with her while you complied. Continuing the same pattern of behaviour doesn't work, so what would make a difference?
He is terrified of her and having you there has shielded him from the worst, but treating his life partner like this is still abusing him. Don't let the DCs become his new shield. Perhaps he needs to see what it's like to be in the direct firing line again to harden his resolve.