DH wants me to 'get over it' re MIL

[stillunderit]

Changed username but I've posted about my decade (and counting) of MIL problems before. She stepped everything up a gear once DC arrived, with grand delusions about the main character role she'd be playing in bringing up our children - tried to send me away to a hotel 3 days after birth of first DC so she could stay at home with my baby (not joking), opened all my new baby gifts while I was asleep, hosted guests in my house while I was sobbing into a breastpump hidden away upstairs. I naively assumed it would pass and we would somehow be okay but it's only gotten worse over the years. Nothing is ever enough for her and although they live 5 hours away from us she thinks we should all be up there so she can 'show off her grandchidlren' to her friends etc. She complains endlessly about us, compares us negatively to friends' children etc, and she's been awful to our DC over the years too - calling my daughter 'special needs looking' in her glasses, insiting they were taken off for wedding photos etc, gaslighting the children and guilt tripping them awfully - 'poor granny never sees you, won't you put flowers in your hair and dance for granny to make her happy.' She once turned around and shouted at my then 3&4 year old DC who were uspet in the back of the car with her, whinging for 'mummy', 'shall I start crying for MY MUMMY and see how you like it!?'. They asked for years not to be left alone with her as she was horrible to them if they missed us at all.

I can't do it all justice at all, and I'm not perfect, obviously, but when I had my third DC something in me flipped and I couldn't face them anymore. She came and complained he slept too much (she woke my first two up and I wouldn't have it the third time around), and finally, when we booked a trip up to see them and booked our own accommodation not the nearby cottage she had apparently booked without asking us she had the hissy fit of the century and sent tens of messages at all hours saying she had no reason to live if we didn't do as she pleased etc. It was unhinged.

I am friendly when they come to visit, but beyond that I have stepped away as I genuinely can't cope with her anymore. More to the point, my marriage can't survive it, my DH has fallen out with her along the way but it all eventually gets swept back under the carpet. If he ever really pulls her up on something specific she literally screams and wails at him denying solid facts. It's not something I can cope with, but it's obviously more normal to him and he has again now asked me to 'get over it' and go and see them at easter as she has been messaging him demanding we all go rather than just my DH and two older DCs. I was looking forward to a bit of a break! She has accused me of 'cancelling' her (Daily Mail reader) and seems to think I should just fall into line and do what she wants as she is entitled to us all up there.

I have dug my heels in and won't go, my DH and I are back into the same old cycles of it and he is asking why I can't just 'get over it' and go and see everyone. When I try and explain (for the hundreth time) he gets shirty and says 'that was years ago' etc as if I'm being stubborn rather than standing up for myself after years of this nonsense. I don't want any drama, I really just want peace and I have totally hit my limit with what I can tolerate. I'm upset that he seems to be thinking of it almost like he is caught between two difficult women and I really don't think I have been (I put up with so much for so long).

This is now so long, and I don't even know what I'm asking. Does anyone have any experience of this sort of stuff? Do I sound like I'm being obstinate now to stick to my guns?

TLDR: DH wants me to forget MILs decade of awful behaviour and go back to spending holiday time with them for an easy life.

Wait until the next time he says blah blah visiting mother.
You tell him straight. Listen to me darling because I'm not going to repeat myself.
I am NOT dancing to your mother's demands. She treats me & the kids like shit. I am not subjecting them to her batshit, and at times dangerous, behaviour any more. It is quite frankly unforgiveable.
She throws a tantrum and expects you to go running and drag us with you. You can go and visit on your own if you want to.
And no, I won't just let it go. For the sake of our children I will never let it go. I am their mother and I will protect them because you haven't so far.
Stop asking. I will not change my mind. She's your mother. You deal with her.

It’s not acceptable for him to expect you and the kids to go so that he can use you as a human shield.
If you don’t go then there will be 1001 comments about it but at least you won’t have wasted your precious time and offered yourself up to be bullied. You tolerated things too long and shouldn’t do it again - fool me once etc
I would tell your h that you don’t want to hear about MIL any more as well tbh. You know that she’s trying to manipulate you and you’re not going to fall for it.

@CoffeeBeansGalore that is so helpful for me to read, thank you. I think he would walk off rolling his eyes muttering about me being ridiculous, but I think that is spot on.

Straight up, say to your husband “I don’t want your mother damaging my children the way she damaged you, which she clearly has if you think this is normal”

”If you won’t protect the children, I will”
”You can go but I won’t have her hurting our babies”

and express how upset she makes them. If he can’t have your back, he has to have theirs.

@Snorlaxo I am genuinely fearful of what she will do next once she realises I really won't go anymore. Last time it was a series of veiled threats of heart attack / suicide, she causes my DH so much stress, he gets messages from her in the middle of the night ranting etc. It's inexplicable to me that someone who treat anyone like that, let alone someone they are obsessed with having a relationship with.

@stillunderit And if he is stupid enough to try again you simply say "We've had this conversation". Then you walk away/continue on your phone/etc.
Stand firm. You are in the right.

Stop explaining to him.

Just answer
"I've said no. Drop it"

And just repeat and repeat.

@lastminutetrip I think that's what needs to get through to him but Im not sure he has the capacity to compute it.

He has spent his life pleasing and appeasing her, and I think he kind of hates her for it but would rather pretend it is all okay/ that I'm being difficult than face up to the reality of who she is and how she has behaved.

He's also started telling me I need to contact her and explain my issues - that is definitely not happening!!

Can you go 'reverse psychology' on him @stillunderit ?

Say you would love to see his mum, say it with gritted teeth and a promise in your voice. Mention every single offensive and hurtful thing she has ever done. Tell him you will be clearing the air, having your say and spelling it out. Say, she's had it coming for years. 'And another thing...'
Maybe he would back off with the pressure then.<hopeful>

@2catsandhappy I know I'm making him sound utterly thick here, but he'd just hear me saying 'yes' to her demands and be delighted he can tell her we will go. And he knows I'm a conflict-averse wimp who would never want to argue with her (she'd love that, she could tell everyone how utterly horrible I was to her).

"No I dont"

YANBU to not contact her. She clearly doesn’t care and won’t change her future behaviour.

Your h wants an easy life where you and the kids are the source of the attacks. If you and the kids don’t go then he knows that he risks being the focus of her nastiness and that’s not your problem or responsibility. He can go and see her if he’s concerned and needs to buy some time before he’s summoned again, you are not some dog that she can summon for shits and giggles. I’d rather clean out the hairs from the shower drain or pick up random dog shit in my local park than endure being bullied.

@Snoopdoggydog123 it seems to obvious written down, but this is the stuff I need to hear - thank you. When the person you thought you were partnering with for the hard stuff doesn't seem capable of having your back it really makes you doubt yourself.

@Snorlaxo ir sit there hearing about all the 'girls' (we are in our 40s) that he could've married who are now incredibly rich and succesful and go and see their inlaws every other weekend.

I have similar issues and went no contact
The relief. He can go if he wishes. The DC can go IF THEY WANT TO
At this point I think you have not a lot to lose. Her treatment is damaging your mental health. After all these years and all this mal treatment if she's going to die because you won't dance to her tune anymore this is all very sad but not your problem! Foot down, chin up , refuse to discuss it anymore
If necessary take your self out and go shopping. Enough already

Your mistake was not going no contact with her after she started on this nonsense . My suggestion is that you have a chat with your husband and tell him that much as you love him ( if you do ) that you will not be visiting now or at any time in the future and whilst you are happy for him to do as he pleases you will not be having this conversation again because if you do you will be cutting contact completely . I was NC with my in-laws ( they hated me) from about 7 yrs into our marriage , it was bliss . My kids chose not to accompany their dad on visits from about 8 / 9 , I do think you need to let your children decide . I do actually have very low contact with my MIL now she’s in her 90s and it just helps my husband out if I run her to the doctors occasionally but our children who are now adults have no contact .

I'm going to be a bit blunt here OP, this wouldn't happen to me because I've got more of a back bone. Literally say to her or your DH to "Fuck off".

I've been married three times, and the first 2 times I had lovely PIL (would go on holidays with them, write to them etc, and I still think fondly of them), but this time while my FIL is great the MIL (divorced from FIL thankfully) did something unspeakably evil to us a few months back.

When she returned home I sent one curt message, "You will never see your son or grandchildren again." And my DH backed it.

There would never be a situation where I'm crying upstairs while someone else hosts a party in my home - that level of meekish behavior irritates me.

Here's my advice:

1. Decide what you do/don't want to do or experience - this is setting your healthy boundaries.

1. Inform your DH - not ask and don't get into a debate because it's not a question - you've already decided.

1. If he is in anyway argumentative etc, don't get riled up or involved. Say "I've made my decision." Nothing more to say than that and go off doing some housework or something while he processes the information (sorry I always clean to keep calm 😂)

1. Leave your DH to deal with the MIL.

1. Whether your marriage survives that I've no idea - but for me anyway, that's step 5 not 1.

Your husband compares you to women he "could have married"?

He sounds awful

@RobinHeartella not my husband, his mother

@Addictedtowotsits thank you, appreciate the blunt advice. And I look back with despair at how I used to 'handle' it all, I wouldn't let her do any of it now. I just had so little confidence when I was younger, I was terrified of upsetting my husband

Mine has always done this.

Two years ago she stormed off and somehow DH finally saw the light. Me and DS have been NC ever since. DH exchanges texts with them at Christmas or birthdays, but doesn’t send presents, and has visited them twice in two years.

He lives in hope of me feeling that I can try again with them, as they’re getting older and frailer, and they have suggested apologising to me, but he’s told them to leave me alone and give me the space I need. I don’t know if it’ll last, especially as I’m due soon and he feels they should know, but for now, I can’t fault him. It took him some time but he has been great.

Your DH needs to step up. How on earth is he justifying making everyone else miserable so that he doesn’t upset her?

Oh I see!!

But anyway yes definitely don't go. I'd try and keep the kids from having to go, too. Break the filial obligation cycle.

It's interesting what you say about your dh telling himself all women are mental. I'd protect your daughters as much as you can from picking up on this.

"That's because they haven't got YOU as their MIL, Janet."😂

Tell her that it’s probably the same drive and intelligence that made them so successful that clued them up to avoid your loser husband and his horrible in-laws, and then walk out and let him deal with the fallout.

obviously in real life things don’t work like that - but let yourself dream!