DH wants me to 'get over it' re MIL

[stillunderit]

Changed username but I've posted about my decade (and counting) of MIL problems before. She stepped everything up a gear once DC arrived, with grand delusions about the main character role she'd be playing in bringing up our children - tried to send me away to a hotel 3 days after birth of first DC so she could stay at home with my baby (not joking), opened all my new baby gifts while I was asleep, hosted guests in my house while I was sobbing into a breastpump hidden away upstairs. I naively assumed it would pass and we would somehow be okay but it's only gotten worse over the years. Nothing is ever enough for her and although they live 5 hours away from us she thinks we should all be up there so she can 'show off her grandchidlren' to her friends etc. She complains endlessly about us, compares us negatively to friends' children etc, and she's been awful to our DC over the years too - calling my daughter 'special needs looking' in her glasses, insiting they were taken off for wedding photos etc, gaslighting the children and guilt tripping them awfully - 'poor granny never sees you, won't you put flowers in your hair and dance for granny to make her happy.' She once turned around and shouted at my then 3&4 year old DC who were uspet in the back of the car with her, whinging for 'mummy', 'shall I start crying for MY MUMMY and see how you like it!?'. They asked for years not to be left alone with her as she was horrible to them if they missed us at all.

I can't do it all justice at all, and I'm not perfect, obviously, but when I had my third DC something in me flipped and I couldn't face them anymore. She came and complained he slept too much (she woke my first two up and I wouldn't have it the third time around), and finally, when we booked a trip up to see them and booked our own accommodation not the nearby cottage she had apparently booked without asking us she had the hissy fit of the century and sent tens of messages at all hours saying she had no reason to live if we didn't do as she pleased etc. It was unhinged.

I am friendly when they come to visit, but beyond that I have stepped away as I genuinely can't cope with her anymore. More to the point, my marriage can't survive it, my DH has fallen out with her along the way but it all eventually gets swept back under the carpet. If he ever really pulls her up on something specific she literally screams and wails at him denying solid facts. It's not something I can cope with, but it's obviously more normal to him and he has again now asked me to 'get over it' and go and see them at easter as she has been messaging him demanding we all go rather than just my DH and two older DCs. I was looking forward to a bit of a break! She has accused me of 'cancelling' her (Daily Mail reader) and seems to think I should just fall into line and do what she wants as she is entitled to us all up there.

I have dug my heels in and won't go, my DH and I are back into the same old cycles of it and he is asking why I can't just 'get over it' and go and see everyone. When I try and explain (for the hundreth time) he gets shirty and says 'that was years ago' etc as if I'm being stubborn rather than standing up for myself after years of this nonsense. I don't want any drama, I really just want peace and I have totally hit my limit with what I can tolerate. I'm upset that he seems to be thinking of it almost like he is caught between two difficult women and I really don't think I have been (I put up with so much for so long).

This is now so long, and I don't even know what I'm asking. Does anyone have any experience of this sort of stuff? Do I sound like I'm being obstinate now to stick to my guns?

TLDR: DH wants me to forget MILs decade of awful behaviour and go back to spending holiday time with them for an easy life.

Or perhaps "I've said no...you'll need to get over it" 😉

Op, I read on here, a couple of weeks ago, that asking your DH to confront his mum after all these years, is like asking a child to confront his abuser (paraphrased)

It really struck a chord with me.

I totally agree that you should not have to deal with her, and you should not have to expose your children to her. But he is unlikely to be able to deal with her effectively, because he has been conditioned to accede to her demands.

I think you have to tell your DH that nothing has changed so no, you won’t be going to visit,. And, if she decides to talk to you about it, just be frank and tell her she is insufferable and you have no time to waste on her histrionics.

And try not to be too angry at your DH about it.

Nah. That's a " she's your mum, you deal with her" job. Us wives can put up with a lot but sometimes the MIL just goes way too far. That's when it's time to step away from the situation. You wouldn't accept it if it was your own mother I expect and your DH wouldn't be going with you to visit her If she was like that. Honestly...if she wants to see the kids, he takes them there. If she visits, you be civil but don't bend over backwards for her. Take a stand!

Stop explaining to him. Tell him she's toxic and he's welcome to go and spend time with her but the kids won't be going with him and to stop going on about it or he can go home to her permanently.

I've only read page 1 so apologies if I miss something by here, wnd of page 3. I'm not going into the details but I had 15 years of utter shite from my MIL. (With dp 25 years). Dp is her scapegoat, bil is the golden child.

Moat of his family didn't see how she treated me behind everyone's backs, she put dp in awkward situations so often.

At the 15 year mark she pushed it too far.

Dp was very worried, expecting me to hit the roof.

Instead I told him 'she is your mother and their grandchildren. I will never interfere with that. But from now on she is nothing to do with me. If they come to the house I will be polite and civil, but that's all. I cannot be expected to be constantly belittled, criticised and pushed aside by your mother. You need to have a think about how you supporting her behaviour towards me, means that you are condoning it'
And I went for a walk while he thought about it.

He now sees his mum occasionally, he used to take the kids but they soon cottoned on to the fact that they are treated very badly compared to their cousins.
A few weeks after that speech, she sent me a present in the post! Dp said she was trying to make amends. I said no, she is trying to reel me back in so she can Diss me some more'
My life is much less stressful since I took this stance. Just wish I'd done it years earlier instead of bending over backwards trying to get her to like me.

This sounds awful! I think with your DH I’d just say “we are now at the point where our marriage could well be over if I’m submitted to that situation again. I won’t let that happen so I’m not visiting again. You’re very welcome to go with dc1 and 2”. Then just repeat, repeat, repeat.

I completely understand the damage it is doing to your relationship, OP. It’s at times like these when you need to be a solid unit and he’s let you down.

Could you book a hotel nearby, drive up with him and decide on the day whether you feel up to a visit? If you can’t do it, he can leave you at the hotel with or without children and visit them briefly. It won’t be great for him but he won’t be stuck between the two of you.

If you find you can face it, you need first to agree an exit strategy, a safe word or gesture that says “Get me out of here now” which is non negotiable.

It’s possible that the feeling of being trapped with her is making things worse in your head. If you have your departure planned and a safe place nearby that might help.

Would he read/could you show him this thread, @stillunderit?

Yes I get this but it's always weirdly spiteful. And then they lie. I got a temporary promotion in work and got a huge fanfare and present. When I politely declined and said it wasn't anything to celebrate because in my field (which they know because FIL worked in it for his entire working life) it's actually quite mortifying to promote and know you'll demoemte again they played the victim, DH had never told them apparently. He absolutely did. I've heard too many sides of his conversation which they denied later on to know they were lying.

What I find strange is they demand a relationship with me whilst refusing to recognise that nobody would want to spend time with people like that. "But we love you". Well that's the kind of love I don't need

community.babycenter.com/post/a73920524/dont-rock-the-boat

Tell your husband to read this.
It's a really great analogy about narcissistic behaviour in families and the dynamics surrounding it. It explains how enabling it, is the worst response. Its helped me and my husband understand our family a lot clearer.

@stillunderit WTF! put my newborn in the bath with her dog, the list goes on. I cannot believe I have just read that! and your dh just accepts that crappy behaviour from her? nah. I would be sending him alone to his mother's house, permanently, without your kids!! what would be better in his eyes, a furious wife whom he lives with 24/7 or a furious mother at a couple of hours driving distance?? I would be telling to just to fuck off because you are no longer tolerating this shit from either her or her wuss of a son!!!

Let your DH go and you and the kid(s) stay where you are. Use that time effectively to contact a solicitor and start the process in separating and then divorcing.

He is never going to be 100% on your side.

He's using you as a human shield by the sounds of it and is most likely jealous he can't say no but you can.

I think you’re going to have to be overly reasonable here. When he talks about it, be serene and say “you know why I’m not going, I’ve put up with her behaviour for years, I’ve been beyond reasonable and understanding, but as I have told you, I am not doing it anymore. I have done enough.” And walk away whistling to yourself.

I haven't gone into details of the 15 years of spiteful, gaslighted, lying behaviour from.my mil. I think she enjoyed upsetting me and winding me up whilst acting the innocent and lying to everyone else.
What she couldn't cope with was my not reacting to her any more.

If it was anyone else in your life abusing you like this- siblings, husband - even your own mother, you'd have gone low or no contact long ago.

It doesn't have to cause ructions. At any family functions people don't notice, I am civil and polite if she comes near me, but thankfully she tends to keep her distance.

Best advice so far was the one saying

"No, DC3 & are not going, get over it".

Only he can make the decision of whether to support you or not. You've drawn your line in the sand so it's time for him to make his decision.

The only one stopping him saying no to his mum is him.

He more than likely has had years of it & is conditioned to it.

That's for him to deal with surely, not his wife & kids?

Would he let a friend treat him like this?

If not, why does he let his mother?

She should love him more & treat him better.

Why is less expected of her?

Also by wanting you to "get over it" he is treating you as disgustingly as his mum treats him.

Getting angry & trying to grind you down.

It's surely abuse in it's way as is what his mum does?

Your DH needs therapy to help him ‘see’ her and set strategies to detach.

I'm wondering why he would have his phone, upstairs in the night, to even see her messages.

He needs to take control. A small step would be a separate phone that is only for her, then he can choose when to look at it and when not. Take some control.

What she does is not your problem.

Anyone so self obsessed won't carry it through, but even if she did, it is not your problem.

Make it clear to your DH that this is a deal breaker, it's all gone too far and you won't put up with her deranged selfish shit any more. Ever.

Don't do this!

Tell him it won't be "years ago" when you go and she starts again, so what will his excuse be next time for allowing his wife to be emotionally abused in front of her children? I'm not sure I'd even be letting the older two go to be honest.

My MIL was like this but one thing we always did was put on a united front, as much as I wanted to stay behind and not visit, my DH wanted me to and didn’t want her to ever think there were cracks, there wasn’t, my DH could see what a pain in the ass she was. I dealt with it myself and shot her looks and made comments and eventually I put her back in her fucking box and she knew when it came to the children I was boss. Next time she says something you don’t like say ‘Ha ha, as if Sue. That will certainly not be happening’. Or ‘Refer to my child as special needs again, and we won’t be here next Easter, that’s for sure.’

You need to readdress the balance. Don’t be the meak DIL who she gets to boss around. Be the bitch who won’t take any shit and who rules the roost. Just don’t accept the rudeness! Be polite and kind and say how nice it is to see her and oh isn’t that new rug lovely, but if she is rude or upsets you, shut her down. Say ‘Wow, can’t believe you just said that Sue! Really not acceptable’.

I also would never see her again, I'd block he on everything and I absolutely would not send my children with him because in the absence of you, she will start on them. I wouldn't trust her not to damage them physically or emotionally. She's clearly mentally very ill. However, not your circus. I'd also lose respect for a man who stands there and allows this to happen to his family. Stand your ground. Life will be so much happier without her in it I'd also want a divorce

That's sounds overly exhausting and such a waste of time.

When OP can just act as though she's dead and never have to see her again.

Well, he didn't really back you up, did he?

You should all go NC - she really is batshit!